Has anyone gotten married to a partner in spite of their 'gut feeling'

[Biscous]

I ask because I'm in a transitional phase of my relationship.  My girlfriend and I have been together for three years.  We have been going through the pandemic, being by each others' sides, ups and downs.  We want more out of life and to grow.  Part of me could see me being with her and building a great life together.

The other part of me that looms in my mind is will we be complacent in the relationship?  Dating her I do notice some things that are "off" in terms of compatibility and I believe we have made efforts to work through them.  I do sometimes think if it's easier to find someone where I have that more instant strong connection and go from there.  This uncertainty gives me a feeling that this may not be the "right" partner for me.

I think she's a wonderful, loving, and considerate person but I cannot shake the feeling of something may be "off" which will later become a problem in the future.  

At this point she is asking for marriage, kids, a house, etc.  Even the kids thing is concerning since she is older and would be considered at the "high risk" pregnancy stage.  Me wanting to be a father to more than one kid that is something else I think about.  

Should these gut feelings be ignored or should I vocalize them more to my partner? 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Biscous said:

At this point she is asking for marriage, kids, a house, etc.  Even the kids thing is concerning since she is older and would be considered at the "high risk" pregnancy stage. 

I wouldn't string her along anymore or marry someone because they're nice or  just because. You're not all that happy, maybe  just comfortable. But you have to get off that sofa and reflect.

[BaileyB]

Quote

Has anyone gotten married to a partner in spite of their 'gut feeling'?

My partner did - his first marriage ended in divorce and he now says, he should have listened to his gut feeling…

[ExpatInItaly]

This describes my best friend's husband, actually.

She was the one who pushed for marriage after several years together. He had reservations (which he'd epxressed) but decided to get married anyway. He felt she deserved it, whatever that meant exactly. 

The marriage has not been a total disaster but they are now talking about separation. He is unhappy, and they have continued to grow apart. The misgivings he had evidently only got stronger over time. My prediction is that their marriage will not survive another year, unfortunately. 

Choose carefully, OP. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You absolutely want to vocalize these feelings--all of them. If you cannot do that, then you don't have a relationship that can survive a marriage.

Yes, I know plenty of people who ignored their gut feelings when getting married. Some had the feeling of "mistake" even as they were walking down the aisle. Each and every one of them looked back on the marriage as a mistake. 

As for going forward with her (not even marriage--just staying together) you really want the answer to be an screaming overwhelming yes! Having an overwhelming yes feeling doesn't mean you don't have conflicts and disagreements. All relationships have disagreements and conflicts. But the overwhelming part is the feeling that "this is a great person for me" ... "I feel really good in this relationship." At the gut level, in the gut. You don't have to create a checklist of positives and negatives to the relationship.

If you don't have an overwhelming gut "yes," do NOT get married. If you want to see if this relationship can work for you, you've got to ask for what you want. You gotta open up and see what happens, and she needs also to be open. Hiding feelings and doubts NEVER works dude. Hasn't worked since 1950. 

Tip: trust those doubts, assume there is good reason or what you don't like about her or the relationship. Stay with the doubts and then allow yourself to find the words and think about the doubts. Time after time, I have learned that my doubts in a relationship were totally on the money, even when I felt guilty about the doubts. Even when I thought the doubts were petty or stupid. Turns out the body gut is far smarter about doubts than the rational brain. Trust the wisdom of that gut feeling. Every dang issue or doubt that I thought was petty or immature, turned out to be very important. I was the one with an immature view of relationships. There is nothing petty in whatever your doubts are. Nothing. 

[DKT3]

I think everyone has reservations about marriage.  I think if thier are honest there are gut feelings about it being the wrong thing to do. 

I think sometimes its truly a gut feeling,  sometimes its fear manifesting. 

I agree with the others, have a honest conversation with her and try your best to decide what are real red flags and what are fears of commitment,  having children,  or being married in general.

[Biscous]

22 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You absolutely want to vocalize these feelings--all of them. If you cannot do that, then you don't have a relationship that can survive a marriage.

Yes, I know plenty of people who ignored their gut feelings when getting married. Some had the feeling of "mistake" even as they were walking down the aisle. Each and every one of them looked back on the marriage as a mistake. 

As for going forward with her (not even marriage--just staying together) you really want the answer to be an screaming overwhelming yes! Having an overwhelming yes feeling doesn't mean you don't have conflicts and disagreements. All relationships have disagreements and conflicts. But the overwhelming part is the feeling that "this is a great person for me" ... "I feel really good in this relationship." At the gut level, in the gut. You don't have to create a checklist of positives and negatives to the relationship.

If you don't have an overwhelming gut "yes," do NOT get married. If you want to see if this relationship can work for you, you've got to ask for what you want. You gotta open up and see what happens, and she needs also to be open. Hiding feelings and doubts NEVER works dude. Hasn't worked since 1950. 

Tip: trust those doubts, assume there is good reason or what you don't like about her or the relationship. Stay with the doubts and then allow yourself to find the words and think about the doubts. Time after time, I have learned that my doubts in a relationship were totally on the money, even when I felt guilty about the doubts. Even when I thought the doubts were petty or stupid. Turns out the body gut is far smarter about doubts than the rational brain. Trust the wisdom of that gut feeling. Every dang issue or doubt that I thought was petty or immature, turned out to be very important. I was the one with an immature view of relationships. There is nothing petty in whatever your doubts are. Nothing. 

Thanks for the response, also others in the thread.   I really appreciate this.  I guess I have never felt a truly overwhelming feeling of a woman being "the one".  Maybe because I over think things.

When I first met her I think I took some issue with some of the things like our love languages not matching which as a result sometimes me feeing my needs weren't met.  The sexual chemistry was off at times.  I think where she shines is making time for us, being extremely loyal and communicative.  Our interests don't always coincide together but we've always took the time to do things the other person likes for the most part.

Her being older (currently I'm 38, her 41) was something my family mentioned to me when we first started dating but I ignored it because she was the only woman that wasn't playing games and dating with intention with me.  I also always thought she would be a great mother should that happen since I find her loving and warm.

The connection we have built is something we made over time but I will say it was something that we had to learn and build on time.  I still don't think she *always* gets my humor,  but I never felt like she doesn't understand who I am and vice versa.  That has helped with our connection.

Fast forward we have been living together now and I believe it has given us the opportunity to be more vocal about things and spend more time together.  At this point I feel this woman is amazing and fits into my life.

 

The main issue is a conflict of me being the younger partner I believe.  I still feel young and feel like I have more to do.  I've always been a night person, her being a morning person so around 8 - 9 she's already tired.  Meanwhile I'm still wired up.  Our sex drives are different also.  At the moment we average once a week, which is lower than many relationships we've been in.  I will chalk it up to our timing and schedules but there has been times one and a half or two weeks go by and I've been frustrated that we haven't had sex.  Sexual connection has been something we had to communicate and build rather than have an instantaneous connection.  I know it's something couples at times have to work on and it ebbs and flows with things going on in life.

 

This is minor/shallow concerns but I feel that she hasn't always been the one to dress up or even care to do so much as much.  She will if we go out, but on average she is fine dressing down.  I've always admired when a woman dresses up and I like to also.  The fact that she is getting older I suspect she will care less about that sort of stuff, get complacent, and I will get bored or lose attraction to her.  I don't want to have wandering eyes when in a marriage!  Men are visual in nature and IMO sex happens outside the bedroom just as it does inside, so dressing up cute, talking in a suggestive manner, etc can do it for me.   For her it's me spending quality time with her which I've learned to love and appreciate.

 

The final concern, the viability of having children at 41/42/43 that puts a time constraint on things.  She has always been the one that is more willing to adopt.  I would love to have children (not just one) of my own since I want to pass on my legacy and I also believe my mother would want grandchildren.  I have more time to build a nest egg, ensure things are stable, etc. in my life whereas her biological clock isn't on her side.  She would feel bad if she couldn't give me children.

I realize that there's IVF and other advancements in pregnancy treatment for women to make pregnancy possible but I know anecdotally many couples who have an over 35 partner who have pregnancy issues, complications, or their child forms developmental issues.

This makes me ponder the fact that I could marry a younger woman, have more time for all of this, and not feel rushed.  But I know the connection would be different.  Would I find someone who is on the same page or has the qualities my girlfriend has?

 

At this point I know she wants to get married and we have been together for three years now.  It's something I want too but I want to be 100% sure.  Not tepid.  I realize people get cold feet and there's trepidation with any phase of life.  I will say that I believe we could build a great life for us together.  Ultimately though I just want to make the best decision.

Edited October 15, 2021 by Biscous

[Wiseman2]

Ok. You have a quite extensive list of complaints. Stop stringing her along and move out.

[Distraught1]

Whoa. I think you should probably not marry her. It seems having children is a huge priority for you and if she is unable to bear your children, I believe you will be resentful or end the marriage in the future causing all kinds of pain. Pain that would far outweigh walking away from this relationship. You are not yet engaged. She may be a great person but please follow your gut. Find the person that makes you feel all the feels. 

[Biscous]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. You have a quite extensive list of complaints. Stop stringing her along and move out.

I overthink of course but I just wanted to line item and be transparent as possible.

10 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

Whoa. I think you should probably not marry her. It seems having children is a huge priority for you and if she is unable to bear your children, I believe you will be resentful or end the marriage in the future causing all kinds of pain. Pain that would far outweigh walking away from this relationship. You are not yet engaged. She may be a great person but please follow your gut. Find the person that makes you feel all the feels. 

Makes complete sense.  Who knows in a few years I have my own mid life crisis and I want kids immediately and she can't have them.  It can happen.  Just thinking it through and I appreciate everyone listening.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're hiding and ducking. You're hiding in a bunch of details.

Yes or no: do you passionately, clearly, easily, without a lot of effort, feel overwhelmingly sure (and amazingly lucky) that she is who you want to be with? If the answer isn't an immediate and loud "EFF YES!" then the answer is no. 

Test #2. Let's assume she'll be OK if you break up with her. Let's assume she'll suffer some heartbreak but recover and find a guy who is totally excited about her, that she is also excited about. Let's assume all of that.  No, allowing yourself to think ruthlessly, purely selfishly--is this the woman you really want to be with? Is the answer an overwhelming "yes" so in your gut? AND is your answer, if you go analytical with lists of her strengths and weaknesses, is the answer still an overwhelming "yes"?

Marriage needs a solid, rock-solid foundation of mutual selfish desire for the other person and a mutual sense of utter rightness about being with the other person. 

FYI: there is no such thing as "shallow" when it comes to judging a potential marriage partner. Everything matters. If something about the person bothers us, it bothers us. You can't fake your way around that. For you to call how she dresses shallow indicates you are almost politically editing your feelings. Nothing but trouble comes that way. 

 How a person looks and appears (in our eyes) is a huge part of a successful marriage. And the question isn't whether or not our partner is beautiful. The question is, "overall, I am really really happy to be with her?" Like smile breaks out on my face as I think of my answer to this question. 

Your hesitations over her age tell me that you shouldn't marry her. The feeling you want is yes, disappointment that she might not be able to have kids.If you cannot marry her and know strongly that you will still feel fortunate with her even if she can't have kids, then you shouldn't be thinking of marrying her.

And please drop this "overthinking" nonsense. You feel and think how you feel. If you can't stop thinking certain things that bother you, then this isn't the right person for you. The right partner quiets the doubts and shuts down the "overthinking." You can overthink it and you still will strongly conclude that you want to be with her. You can underthink it and still passionately know you want to be with her. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Dis]

I didn't get married to him but during the last year of our relationship I constantly had dreams where I knew he wasn't right for me and I was with the wrong person. I would wake up and shake it off but that little voice just got louder with time until I ended the relationship

 

If you think something is wrong, something probably is 

[Nothanks]

Just be honest with her.  Tell her you are not ready to get married and not sure you want to be married.  She may break up with you but at least she knows the truth.  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Biscous said:

Her being older (currently I'm 38, her 41) was something my family mentioned to me .

 we have been living together now .

Sorry this is happening. Is it her place, your place or do you co-own or co-rent?

You and your family have concerns about her age and you wanting kids.

As such resentment has grown on both sides. You're complacent and coasting along disrespectfully sidestepping her conversations about commitment.

You are sort of attempting to find all sorts of reasons regarding fertility.

You're not committed to her. It's that simple.

Discuss practical issues. Start severing finances. Start looking for places. Debating her fertility is a moot point when you're actually just conveniently coasting along and afraid to stand up and diplomatically end things.

Edited October 16, 2021 by Wiseman2