I'm worried about my younger brother

[samsungxoxo]

Many times as his older sister (I'm 34 years old), I find myself thinking about his future. He's going to be 20 years old on May 5 and not so long ago, I had to teach him the difference between cash and credit card/debit card as well as long to use an ATM machine, how to cross the streets correctly, etc. Our mother spoiled him a lot worse than me; ruining is development and stunting his potential.

I'm trying to get him to learn two things: Cooking and self-defense. However, he has refused to enroll in my Judo classes (I'll be staying there for a long while now; I've always liked martial arts) and several times still depends on me to cook his dinner meals. He still has a lot to learn in the kitchen; he can only do basic seasoning, fried an egg and fried french fries. Sometimes he either lays on the bed, doing absolutely NOTHING or talks to his friend and continues being a common spectator watching soccer marches and other celebrities (doing nothing for himself; just watching other people's fame). He's not working yet. Is my concern for him justified??

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

I'm trying to get him to learn two things: Cooking and self-defense.

Probably not that useful for a teen living at home. Let him find his own way in life. That's how someone learns.

Is he in college? There's a lot more important things to learn than cooking and judo. 

[samsungxoxo]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Probably not that useful for a teen living at home. Let him find his own way in life. That's how someone learns.

Is he in college? There's a lot more important things to learn than cooking and judo. 

No he's not in college. He's at nothing right now. That's what worries me. I know there are other things in life than just cooking and judo but it wouldn't hurt if he learn those two things. If he progresses in the kitchen then it'll help him save money, he won't have to order delivery too much, homemade meals are better for one's health and it'll help him manage money. If he learns self-defense he would be more aware of his surroundings and apply discipline towards himself and in every day life. Like mentioned, that's not everything but having certain skills in life helps someone. That's a whole better than doing nothing but laying in bed all day long and watching TV.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

 laying in bed all day long and watching TV.

Actually getting a job is much more important a than cooking lessons. If you want to "help him" forget judo and cooking and help him find a job.

[ASG]

27 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

 That's a whole better than doing nothing but laying in bed all day long and watching TV.

I've done absolutely nothing but laying in bed watching TV for 4 days! It's great and I wish my professional life didn't get in the way of me binging all the things. 

What he should be doing is either studying (in college/uni or for a trade) or working. That's a lot more helpful than Judo... Why doesn't he have a job, if he's not studying? 

Also, knowing how to cook =/ wanting/liking to cook. I know many people who KNOW how to cook and still mostly order takeaways, because they can't be bothered to actually cook. 

 

Edited October 14, 2021 by ASG

[samsungxoxo]

13 minutes ago, ASG said:

What he should be doing is either studying (in college/uni or for a trade) or working. That's a lot more helpful than Judo... Why doesn't he have a job, if he's not studying? 

My mother really believes he's limited and can't function basic skills. She's been holding him back for so long. My grandma (mom's mother) is super worried and wants him to start working, even if it's simple position for starters like him. He also doesn't know how to take a public transportation but can recognize addresses. He's currently very delayed for his age; both my father and grandma really believe it was all my mother's fault...for God's sake she used to cut his meat and feed him till he was 12-13 years old, wiped him till age 11 and did all his HS homeworks till the end.

That's another reason my bf greatly dislikes my mother (apart from how she treated him) as well too. He also believes our mother messed him up so badly and that isn't love. He believes any mother that spoils a kid that badly isn't being a caring, loving mother at all...that by doing that you're doing the opposite of loving your child...that you don't believe in your child nor love them enough for them to be on their own.

Edited October 14, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[ASG]

1 minute ago, samsungxoxo said:

My mother really believes he's limited and can't function basic skills. She's been holding him back for so long. My grandma (mom's mother) is super worried and wants him to start working, even if it's simple position for starters like him. He also doesn't know how to take a public transportation but can recognize addresses. He's currently very delayed for his age; both my father and grandma really believe it was all my mother's fault...for God's sake she used to cut his meat and feed him till he was 12-13 years old, wiped him till age 11 and did all his HS homeworks till the end.

That's definitely not ideal... 

My grandmother put toothpast on my dad's toothbrush until he got married at 35... And I had to teach a friend how to turn the oven on at age 32, because he'd been brought up to not do anything around the house.

But this is different. He should definitely get a job. My local McDonald's has a couple of special needs people working there. That could be a place to start. (or similar). 

I am not an expert, but my mom works with special needs people, mostly in the austism spectrum. And her and her colleagues all believe that those people should be doing as much as possible, considering their level of disability. They need to be stimulated, not held back! And I'm not saying your brother has special needs for sure... I have no idea. But he's definitely been held back. 

Your worries are well placed, but it's not cooking or judo that will help him. A job, even part time, will do him a lot more good. 

[ASG]

On 10/14/2021 at 8:52 AM, Wiseman2 said:

[]

Developmentally delayed people do not need to be "left alone". They need to be stimulated. It doesn't sound like her brother has had any specialist treatment, and we don't even know if he has an actual disability (of whatever kind) or just arrested development, due to his mother holding him back. 
 

Edited October 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted rude quote

[elaine567]

I don't think you can solely blame your mother. She did what she thought was right and in reaction to a child who sounds very abnormal.
Most normal people will grow up and rebel against over mothering, he is not doing that.
I think it may be the family do not want to face the fact and are in denial about just how abnormal your brother is.
For him to be normal, then it must be someone's fault he has turned out the way he has.
That someone being your mother.
Has he had any recent professional assessment?

[samsungxoxo]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Has he had any recent professional assessment?

Yes and he was prescribed both Risperidone 2mg and Sertraline 50 mg tablets for the meantime. He has to continue taking his medicine and two psychologists (from his former school) and another one elsewhere failed. There were two other specialists that failed too. It's not helping his development nor mood swings at all. My father ended cancelling my brother's last therapy session; it did nothing. 

[samsungxoxo]

1 hour ago, ASG said:

Developmentally delayed people do not need to be "left alone". They need to be stimulated. It doesn't sound like her brother has had any specialist treatment, and we don't even know if he has an actual disability (of whatever kind) or just arrested development, due to his mother holding him back. 
 

That's the point, get him motivated to do anything. Anything is better than nothing. I've tried in the past ''leaving him alone'' and all he did was laying in bed, doing nothing...expecting his breakfast and meals to get served. If I leave him alone, he's going to get worse than where he's at now. Neither what my mother did nor my brother's acceptance of her doing everything for him is normal. 

A couple times, my father privately expressed his concerns and his own words were ''your brother can't do anything at all and this is all your mother's fault''. He isn't in denial. He's worried for him.

Edited October 14, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[elaine567]

53 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

Yes and he was prescribed both Risperidone 2mg and Sertraline 50 mg tablets for the meantime. He has to continue taking his medicine and two psychologists (from his former school) and another one elsewhere failed. There were two other specialists that failed too. It's not helping his development nor mood swings at all. My father ended cancelling my brother's last therapy session; it did nothing. 

So what is his actual working diagnosis?

[samsungxoxo]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So what is his actual working diagnosis?

Anxiety, depression, mild-moderate schizophrenia, and irritable mood swings.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

Anxiety, depression, mild-moderate schizophrenia, and irritable mood swings.

Yes and how on earth could all that possibly be your mother's fault.
Your father is way out of line here.

Your brother is suffering from quite severe mental illness.
I guess your father does not want to admit that to himself, so is blaming your mother...

Edited October 14, 2021 by elaine567

[samsungxoxo]

49 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes and how on earth could all that possibly be your mother's fault.
Your father is way out of line here.

Your brother is suffering from quite severe mental illness.
I guess your father does not want to admit that to himself, so is blaming your mother...

I've noticed something. He learns something and acts different with me (when it's just the two of us) vs with my mother. Practically all his mood swings was when my mother is around but when it's just us...suddenly no attitude changes and he's talking normal.

He progresses a bit with me but delays again with my mother. If he has mental illnesses, why doesn't he act out with other people, just with my parents (mainly my mother)?

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

cooking and judo but it wouldn't hurt if he learn those two things. If he progresses in the kitchen then it'll help him save money, he won't have to order delivery too much, homemade meals are better for one's health and it'll help him manage money. If he learns self-defense he would be more aware of his surroundings and apply discipline towards himself and in every day life.

I think they are both really good ideas there,

any man should be able to cook properly , eat healthily and not be relying on takeaways (seriously I was surprised at the post suggesting he eat takeaways!)

and just thinking of an acquaintance who had a challenging youth, he took up boxing and found it very beneficial, taught him self-discipline and was a way of actually controlling and channeling his thoughts in a more positive way.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

I've noticed something. He learns something and acts different with me (when it's just the two of us) vs with my mother. Practically all his mood swings was when my mother is around but when it's just us...suddenly no attitude changes and he's talking normal.

He progresses a bit with me but delays again with my mother. If he has mental illnesses, why doesn't he act out with other people, just with my parents (mainly my mother)?

I guess he gets something out of acting out in front of your mother/father. Maybe he just likes being babied or the centre of attention
Attention can be good attention or bad attention...

Some little kids can be the same.
They know what they can get away with, they know the people they can fool, they know the people they have to be on their best behaviour with, they know the people they can wind up..
Being mentally ill does not mean he is out of touch completely, mentally ill people can be very aware, very intelligent, but they can also be  unaware or very self absorbed, very manipulative, very sneaky...

[spiderowl]

10 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

My mother really believes he's limited and can't function basic skills. She's been holding him back for so long. My grandma (mom's mother) is super worried and wants him to start working, even if it's simple position for starters like him. He also doesn't know how to take a public transportation but can recognize addresses. He's currently very delayed for his age; both my father and grandma really believe it was all my mother's fault...for God's sake she used to cut his meat and feed him till he was 12-13 years old, wiped him till age 11 and did all his HS homeworks till the end.

That's another reason my bf greatly dislikes my mother (apart from how she treated him) as well too. He also believes our mother messed him up so badly and that isn't love. He believes any mother that spoils a kid that badly isn't being a caring, loving mother at all...that by doing that you're doing the opposite of loving your child...that you don't believe in your child nor love them enough for them to be on their own.

I do agree that your brother needs help in learning skills.  You seem to have learned them very well - did your mother treat you differently to your brother?

I guess what concerns me is that your mother may have a more accurate perception of your brother's capabilities.  She is his mother after all.  If your brother is developmentally delayed due to some kind of disability, then your mother is probably trying to protect him.  As a parent of a child with a disability myself, I do this too, though not to the extent that your mother does.  Then again, my child's disability may be different.

Have to talked to your mother about how she could encourage your brother to be more independent, given that she is not going to be around to look after him for ever?  What is her reaction?  She must be aware at some level that he will need skills to cope with life, even if he does need more support than normal.

Rather than blaming your mother, it might be more productive for you to be supportive towards her and your brother by helping him with the skills he needs.  A proper, independent assessment of his abilities might be a good starting point.  Are there local charities there for people with disabilities who could help with finding a suitable assessment for him?  It may be that your mother needs encouragement and support as she switches from her caring role to being supportive.   I do admire that you are willing to teach your brother things.  You cannot expect him to have the same interests as you but, again, you could encourage him without pressuring him.

I don't want you to feel you have the parenting role though, as that is not your responsibility, but nevertheless you still feel that it is at some level.

It is concerning that so many in your family and your boyfriend have such a negative view of your mother.  It sounds like some kind of family therapy might be needed for you all to find a balance.  Certainly, criticising your mother and all of you 'ganging up' on her is not going to help matters.  She probably sees herself as protecting her child who has disabilities.

Edited October 15, 2021 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

I apologise for not having read all the way through.  Having read about your brother's diagnoses, I would now like to add further thoughts:

After reading your further information about your brother's diagnoses, OP, the diagnoses themselves do not explain your brother's behaviours.  I am not a doctor and cannot diagnose anything, but it sounds to me like your brother has some kind of disability that causes him to be developmentally delayed and that the diagnoses given are on top of that not instead of.  Just my thoughts.  If that is the case, then the medications might address mood and help him to focus better.  He could be being distracted by chaotic thoughts or possible hallucinations/misperceptions.  Taking the medications may mean he is more able to learn other skills; however, I have to say that there are often problems with getting doses right and with the side-effects of medications.  It sounds like it is early days for his treatment.  In short, he has a lot to cope with and you will all need to be patient with him.

[Noproblem]

I would push him more toward getting a degree. Either a trade job or a community college degree .. he needs to be educated and maybe have a partial time job on the side. yes you are justified in your worrying, but Judo and cooking are not the keys to his success.

Edited October 15, 2021 by Noproblem

[Noproblem]

10 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

Anxiety, depression, mild-moderate schizophrenia, and irritable mood swings.

yeah he is a person with disabilities. Your mother did the best she can. He had so many issues and he can't be normal like you, don't expect him to be normal like you.

Judo is not his passion, nor cooking. Try to find something he is passionate about so he can learn to earn a living. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by Noproblem

[Noproblem]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop bullying him. If he is developmentally delayed or has other neurological problems leave him alone.

Leave your mother alone too, you're middle aged, you don't need to harp on him or her anymore since you work, live in your own place and have your own life..

It's not good to use him as a tool to grind an ax against your mother.

middle age: 45 to 65

she needs to help her brother but not force him to the point he feels he is less just because he can't be normal like them. That will make him worse!

and yes I agree they are hard on the mom and the kid. The kid has a disability and the medication makes him numb. Still I see she is worried because when mom and dad get older, who is gonna take care of the young man!

Also,  @samsungxoxo why the hell bf's opinion matters. Oh he hates my mom, are you proud that your bf hates your mom! You should dumb him if he speaks ill about her, let me see how he'll survive raising a kid with disability! The nerve of the bf! He has no business interfering how your mom raised your brother. PERIOD

Edited October 15, 2021 by Noproblem

[Blind-Sided]

22 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

1) I'm trying to get him to learn two things: Cooking and self-defense.

2) However, he has refused to enroll in my Judo classes

3) He's not working yet.

4) Is my concern for him justified??

I just broke this up, because a few things caught my eye.....

1) That's great.  Two things that people should know.  BUT... just because we all need to know then, doesn't mean we will be good. (So don't judge too harshly) Not to mention... they both enter the realm of "Hobby"... so if he doesn't like one or the other... then don't push.  For food... there is a lot of restaurants and microwave meals out there. 

2) I'm glad he refused.  LOL  I've watched too many of these "Martial Arts" classes be nothing other than money pit, and build false hope. This come 2 fold.  first... The little kid who lives up the street is now a "Black belt".   The kid trips over his own feet, and the ONLY reason he is that "Level" is because mom listened and the teacher said he was ready.  The reality is... she has to PAY for each belt.  (Not the only time I've seen this)   The other side to this is... a basic self defense class is great... it will make you think of tactics that you may not  have considered. (FYI, these are generally free)  But, I've also seen where they take a 90lb girl.... or worse... a 400lb girl and make her believe that she is a superhero.  Where in reality... when a +6' tall, 240lb man decides to attack.... there is nothing they can do.  The small girl is just that... SAMLL.  and when a VERY out of shape girl try's... she can be put off balance easy. 

I'm a realist... you want him to defend himself... take him to the gun range, or get pepper spray training. 

If this is just for exercise... that's a different thing all together.

As a final FYI on this... I have a buddy who fights mixed martial arts locally.  He's a big guy who is very muscular, and would kick my butt without trying.  But... he still carries a gun because he knows there is always someone faster, and stronger... or just hopped up on coke/meth, and cant feel you punching, and braking their bones... so, they keep attacking.  

3) Well... that's not good. But it seems to be the way it goes these days.  I personally had a job at 14.  The only way to get him to change that is to cut him off, and push him into the working world.... and not baby him. 

4) Sure... it's absolutely justified. You are his sister, and you are concerned. BUT... don't put your fears into him.  Help him along... don't push him into your life set.  Talk with your mother, and get on the same page to help him "Out of the nest" properly. 

My random thoughts... take them for what they are worth. 

[Blind-Sided]

21 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

... He's currently very delayed for his age;......

If he has developmental issues... then it's not your realm to worry.  Sure.. be concerned... but this is on your mother. 

[elaine567]

23 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

The only way to get him to change that is to cut him off, and push him into the working world.... and not baby him. 

See the update regarding his diagnosis. 
"Anxiety, depression, mild-moderate schizophrenia, and irritable mood swings."

This is serious mental illness. I doubt he could cope in the working world without massive support.
Pushing him off the edge will just I would guess just push him off the edge...