I'm worried about my younger brother

[poppyfields]

59 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

See the update regarding his diagnosis. 
"Anxiety, depression, mild-moderate schizophrenia, and irritable mood swings."

This is serious mental illness. I doubt he could cope in the working world without massive support.
Pushing him off the edge will just I would guess just push him off the edge...

Agree and I'm wondering why this information wasn't presented in the original post. 

It paints a completely different picture from what was originally posted. 

Your brother is severely mentally ill.  At only 19-20 years of age,  the schizophrenia is likely to progress as he gets older - mid-to late 20s.

The mood swings may suggest bipolar which will also progress.

I know this because a family member also suffers and symptoms began surfacing in late teens, early 20s which is typical. 

Of course you have a right to be worried, that's a given. 

But what he needs is medication and ongoing treatment from a psychiatrist. 

Please know you are not a bully.  You are a caring loving sister and he's fortunate to have you. 

I wish him all the best. 

And you as well.  💛

 

Edited October 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Anything you do is helpful. Because it sounds like your mother, unfortunately, is the problem.

People with developmental delays benefit from exposure to all kinds of life and activities. My nephew is intellectually disabled, but my brother took him everywhere, absolutely everywhere, and his school got him started with jobs, some paid, some volunteer.

The good news is yes my nephew loves sitting around, but he has amazing people skills. And communication skills actually. He lives in a group housing situation now.  He's not dying to go to work, but at work he does a great job. His group house really has him looking good. And if he's out in public, you'd have to look really closely to notice that he's intellectually disabled--because his body language is aligned with everyone else's body language. 

Anything you can do is helpful. Anything. Your struggle will be with how my responsibility to take on. Unfortunately, there might not be much you can do if your mother is blocking things. Might be one of these cases where you don't try to change the world, change his entire life. Maybe don't even think about judo, but rather, take him out occasionally--anywhere. Take him to watch judo occasionally or other activities. Just start small. That's what's reasonable and in your control, and be aware that your mother is likely to try to block you from even taking small steps. 

I don't mean to diss LS, but there should be forums out there specifically for families of developmentally delayed people. You might check them out. 

[samsungxoxo]

Before explaining more, I would like to point out that my mother isn't innocent in the whole ''your bf hates her for no good reason'' thing. To be honest, she was partly the reason why we're in this eternal long-distance relationship instead of being married with kids already. Secondly, long ago she did told me once in her exact words ''I hate him to death, I hate him. If he ever comes to marry you I'll fake it. I'll be a hypocrite''. My bf never once said ''I hate your mother''; instead he said ''I dislike her''. She started the animosity/hatred towards him, not the other way around. She did things that any other men would've disliked her too. He was once wondering what he ever did to her to deserve such horrible treatment. However, I'll elaborate that later as my post progresses.

In regards to how my mother raised me, she used to spoil me too but yes than my brother for these main differences:

- I was excited to bath on my own when I was 6-7 years old and would've been furious if my parents continued bathing me. I was independent in those basic things. Like others stated, others would've rebelled and be happy to do it on their own. I've always like my privacy when going to the bathoom. I could at least served my own breakfast as a kid.

- Both of my parents were working in the morning so I was left on my own. Obviously I had to serve my breakfast, get dress up and ready to go to school. 

- Sometimes my father would object to my mother's overprotection. He didn't let it go too far with me. Then again, he was younger at the time.

- I was working and going to college when I was his age.

In regards to similarities:

- Unfortunately my mother would still speak on my behalf (this lasted all the way to my early-mid 20's) whenever a family relative, friend or anyone asked me a question or wanted to speak with me. Sometimes she interrupted me when I was about to speak. My father let it happen and did nothing. It my bf that motivated me to actually speak up for myself. I've always been somewhat quiet and reserved, not outspoken till now. I actually learned how to cook at the age of 29/30 and baking at the age of 32; my bf was the one that motivated me into that or else I would've been somewhat lost now. In a way I'm somewhat similar to my brother but to a lesser extend. 

- She meddled so much in my relationship and ruined it. My bf felt as if he was dating a 13-15 year-old child and not a grown 19-20 year-old woman. He found it worthless to continue fighting for my relationship or even marrying me if I didn't have the guts to stand up for myself and defend him, to speak up. 

- Like my brother, my mother really believed I had mild autism long ago. She claimed a doctor told her that when I was a 2 year-old toddler. Both my grandma and father never believed her and called it BS; both thought I was a normal kid. Like my brother, my mother kept me on medication at that age and my father threw them in the toilet. He pointed to his belt and said ''this is my medication''. I wasn't spanked too much though, few times but I don't agree with that method either. I don't see myself as autism to be honest. 

- I'm kind of a late bloomer in other things and I still have yet to learn how to drive. I know what it feels to be like him...with the difference that I already knew how to cross streets as a kid but yes that must really be depressing.

- I can't afford to move out yet. I'm still living with my parents. I don't have enough money so yeah I'm behind this for my age. 

 

Extra information: A couple times my brother has gotten depressed with my parents because he wants a gf and wants to have sex. He isn't happy about being a 19 year-old virgin. In that sense, he does talk like an adult. He has fantasize about sex since he was 16 and is depressed he never gone out on a date ever.

[samsungxoxo]

I gotta get ready for my Judo class but in my next post I'll mention about the situation between my bf and mother...and why he dislikes her. My bf actually believes my brother has potential to be anything he wants, that he is a normal guy and can do more in life. He really believes in him.

Edited October 15, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[Lotsgoingon]

36 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

I gotta get ready for my Judo class but in my next post I'll mention about the situation between my bf and mother...and why he dislikes her. My bf actually believes my brother has potential to be anything he wants, that he is a normal guy and can do more in life. He really believes in him.

Don't mean to be sarcastic here, but your bf's conclusion is obvious. Are you still debating that? I assumed this was your conclusion as well based on your original post.

Yes, your brother can do more. You said your mother is holding him back. This happens with some parents of developmentally delayed people. It's actually the parents who have the anxiety in situations like this and parents that have their own emotional problems, immaturity problems. But in these situations the parents fall back on allegedly protecting the child (in this case adult). They're not. They're just hiding and not facing reality.

The reality is the community for developmentally disabled people pushes getting folks out into the world as much as possible, as much as anyone else. Literally you don't know the person's potential until they are out in the world. Also, getting out in the world is good for the person's mood and wellbeing and social skills and health and everything else. 

I'm confused that you're presenting bf's view as if it were cutting edge and contrarian.  I assumed that was your view as well.  

 

Edited October 16, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Noproblem]

I am sorry but you want your brother who had severe mental illness to be independent, but you still live with your mom and dad?

You can rent a room somewhere and live independently; you mentioned going to college as I recall? why didn't you study something that can grant you a good job opportunity? why don't you study more now to improve your qualifications! 

and you have time to go to Judo classes, I am sure you can study extra skills, or work extra hours and be independent and live on your own. Stop blaming your mom for your co-dependency

She did that while you are young, you've been an adult since 14 years ago. If you don't want her to affect your life, you could have just simply left!

You can easily say, thank you mom and dad for all your support all these years, but I think I'll live on my own now. and start searching for a place outside with roommates or anything!

 

Honestly, I think you are easily manipulated and you need to read books and empower yourself and learn to let go of the past and become more independent and have your own opinions and gain more confidence.

 

 

 

Edited October 16, 2021 by Noproblem

[basil67]

As a mother to both a special needs child and a neuro typical child, I think that you're being too harsh on your own mother. 

I found that parenting a neuro typical child comes relatively instinctively, but parenting a special needs child does not. As parents, we do the best we can with what we've got and it mostly works out well.  But parenting a of a special needs child is a whole different story.  It needs all the therapists on board AND the willing participation of the person with disability (PWD).  If the PWD isn't willing, there are limits as to what can be achieved.  My son's default answer to everything is "NO". I can't begin to tell you how exhausting it is raising him.  Yes, it's likely true that my son could do more if I did less, but I don't have the mental capabilities to live every day fighting with him. I'm already on antidepressants as it is just dealing with the situation.  

Thing is, you can imagine all the things that your brother could do, but unless he *wants* to do it, it's not going to happen.  I wonder how you propose getting him motivated to find the right job for him AND finding an employer who is flexible enough to cope with the complexities his mental illness brings with him?   Even those who have mental illness and want to work have a great deal of trouble. 

If you want to get him active, don't make him do your hobby of judo.  Instead, help him to find his own hobbies and path.  If you're with him and food needs to be prepared, get him with you in the kitchen.  

FWIW, I know the concerns you have, because when your parents die you will be likely his primary carer.  And I'm not telling you to give up on him, but please have a bit of compassion for your mother.  You have not walked in her shoes and have no right to judge.   And out of curiosity, how many therapy sessions have you sat in on?  Do you know first hand what's going on between him/your parents/the therapists? 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, your brother can do more. You said your mother is holding him back. This happens with some parents of developmentally delayed people. It's actually the parents who have the anxiety in situations like this and parents that have their own emotional problems, immaturity problems. But in these situations the parents fall back on allegedly protecting the child (in this case adult). They're not. They're just hiding and not facing reality.

This sounds very judgmental and I feel that you have not walked in the shoes of a parent in this situation.   What is your lived experience/qualification in disability or mental health?  

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

 My bf actually believes my brother has potential to be anything he wants, that he is a normal guy and can do more in life. He really believes in him.

And what does he base that on?
There is nothing "normal" surely about a guy who acts the way he does and has multiple mental health diagnoses by professionals.
  

[Lotsgoingon]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

This sounds very judgmental and I feel that you have not walked in the shoes of a parent in this situation.   What is your lived experience/qualification in disability or mental health?  

I grew up with a nephew who is intellectually disabled, my oldest brother's son. And my brother lived two blocks away. So my nephew was around all the time as my mother co-raised him--really my nephew was a like a little brother to me (I was only 8 years older). I mentioned in my original post that I saw what my brother did well:  he took my nephew out everywhere, even to movies that my nephew couldn't follow. Also mentioned that my nephew, if given the choice, would prefer to just lie around all day. But once prompted, he is a really good worker. So he doesn't resist. That's the funny thing. My nephew won't volunteer to do things, but if you push him, he will get very active. I think of the times when we would play music at our house and some of would dance and my nephew would sit. But if I just asked him to get up and dance, he would get up and dance. 

I didn't mean to say that parents are in full control. And I get how devastating and difficult it is to have an intellectually disabled child. My brother talked about the shame he felt when my nephew was first diagnosed. My brother also talked about the utter exhaustion of being a parent of a special needs child. 

What I got from the OP's post that the mom blocked the nephew from doing things, from even trying to do things, not that the nephew was resisting. That's just how I read it.

I also had a good friend in my neighborhood who was intellectually disabled. I spent a lot of time with him growing up. (He might have bonded with me because he would see me and my nephew together, and I also because I was comfortable talking with him and never teased him at all.) This guy was a genius at fixing things, fixing bikes, including his own, but also working on his father's car. Some of us in the neighborhood thought my friend should be working at a car garage somewhere--he was that good. But (and yes, this was probably an unfair judgement), we thought his parents just didn't trust him to do this work, didn't think it was worth pursuing. 

 

[elaine567]

@Lotsgoingon Did your nephew suffer from serious mental illness too like the OP's brother does?

On 10/14/2021 at 7:12 PM, samsungxoxo said:

Anxiety, depression, mild-moderate schizophrenia, and irritable mood swings.

Edited October 16, 2021 by elaine567

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

@Lotsgoingon Did your nephew suffer from serious mental illness too like the OP's brother does?

Yes, he has serious OCD, maybe a touch of schizophrenia ... Oddly, the mental illness part was only diagnosed later. My nephew acted out quite a bit during different times, and after his mother got sick (more below). 

I didn't want to get into this, but my other nephew (sibling to the one above) suffered severe schizophrenia as did his mother, my sister in law, who had a late-emerging schizophrenia.  So yeah, I got experience with that as well. My nephew with schizophrenia was highly highly motivated. Didn't take any push to get him into action. His struggle was that he would hear voices, suffer paranoia and get severe anxiety (from the voices and maybe just from anxiety) whenever he tried to get a job or interact with people. Those voices were tormenting, and he'd get demoralized and depressed and end up quitting a job or activity. Which I got and my brother and mother understood. 

But he would get back out there with the next opportunity. He also participated in lots of groups at the psychiatric hospital where he spent many years. He'd go to baseball games, participate in support groups, multiple support groups, ask us to bring him reading material and on and on. He WANTED to get out there into the world. He didn't say "no" to any activity. His brain would just undermine him, though he was able to continue with the support groups. 

[samsungxoxo]

Actually screw this bf. My mother and I have been arguing about that guy for no reason. There is no future with him. Now getting back to my brother:

It seems he was improving when I took him out yesterday. He can cross the streets and is good with directions and addresses. He got out of the bus even before I was about to say ''lets get out now''. I believe he can progress if he steps out more. If he's stuck at home doing nothing, then nope he won't progress.

 

[Noproblem]

5 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

Actually screw this bf. My mother and I have been arguing about that guy for no reason. There is no future with him. Now getting back to my brother:

It seems he was improving when I took him out yesterday. He can cross the streets and is good with directions and addresses. He got out of the bus even before I was about to say ''lets get out now''. I believe he can progress if he steps out more. If he's stuck at home doing nothing, then nope he won't progress.

 

I believe your brother can improve too, it just requires baby steps toward some sort of  independence! Thank you for being a loving sister, just make it be natural not forced change. 

Edited October 18, 2021 by Noproblem

[basil67]

It's great to hear that he can do these things. Working towards some new goals would be great, but they have to be HIS goals.  If he isn't interested in Judo, this should be respected, but perhaps there will be something else which may appeal.   And you will have to consider the reason why he doesn't do much.   Are his meds making him drowsy?  Does he have low self esteem and believe he will fail?  Has he had much success in different areas of his life previously?   Is he functionally literate?  Has his IQ been tested?   Of course, if there are more issues than mental health, he can still learn new things, but it may take longer if he's struggling.  

I am wondering why you're only blaming your mother for your brother's lack of progress when, from what you write, his father is also present in his life.  Parenting a special needs child takes two parents, with each one backing up the other.   You say that your father cancelled the upcoming psychology appt because it "wasn't working".  What wasn't working?  And what did your brother have to say about it all?  

If you are going to be involved in helping your brother, it's really important to understand the issues, the treatments and the diagnoses. 

 

Edited October 18, 2021 by basil67

[Agentra]

7 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

It seems he was improving when I took him out yesterday. He can cross the streets and is good with directions and addresses. He got out of the bus even before I was about to say ''lets get out now''. I believe he can progress if he steps out more. If he's stuck at home doing nothing, then nope he won't progress.

 

Hi, sorry if I have missed it but is your brother in therapy or on any medication for his schizophrenia? When was he diagnosed? 

Personally I have somebody very close to me that's diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type). It is common for people with schizophrenia to be disoriented and to not step out of their comfort zone. With respect, it does not sound like you grasp the severity of this disorder. Forget the cooking lessons and martial arts classes, and credit cards, he needs professionals around him, to help him. At his age, his condition is likely to progress. He needs to learn the tools to cope, he can't just start "being normal" at your word. 

[samsungxoxo]

On 10/18/2021 at 1:25 AM, Agentra said:

Hi, sorry if I have missed it but is your brother in therapy or on any medication for his schizophrenia? When was he diagnosed? 

Personally I have somebody very close to me that's diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type). It is common for people with schizophrenia to be disoriented and to not step out of their comfort zone. With respect, it does not sound like you grasp the severity of this disorder. Forget the cooking lessons and martial arts classes, and credit cards, he needs professionals around him, to help him. At his age, his condition is likely to progress. He needs to learn the tools to cope, he can't just start "being normal" at your word. 

He was under those two medications I've said; Risperidone and Sertraline. He was diagnosed somewhere around 2018. I've accepted that he doesn't want Judo and we're just focusing on him doing what he likes. I must admit his medications do make him tired and sometimes he sleeps during the daytime. He used to be depressed during his school years because he used to sometimes get bullied. I don't know what his IQ is though.

Edited November 5, 2021 by samsungxoxo