You were never supposed to know

[Bittersweetie]

I've been posting in an infidelity/OW thread and it's been triggering me a little so I thought I'd start my own thread about my experience. 

I was an only child and had a happy, normal childhood. Just over two years ago my mom said she had to talk to me, and she told me I had a half sister. She gave a baby up for adoption when she was young, before she met my father.

My initial reaction was to comfort her because she was so upset. But as time has gone on, I've been through the gamut of emotions. Being an only child was part of my base identity, and I've had to work through that. I've worked through how to handle contact and maintain boundaries (I am currently in contact with my half sister though my mother is not).

I am still really struggling with the fact that this was out there my whole life and they never were going to tell me. Logically I can understand why my mom didn't want to tell...it was traumatic and she was very young and alone at that time. I understand it wouldn't have been an easy conversation to have. But my mom actually said to me, "You were never supposed to know." And THAT I struggle with. I had a chance to have a sister throughout my life. I had a chance to be an Aunt. And that part still makes me angry.

I can't talk about it with my mom...she's already swept it all back under the rug. And my dad refuses to acknowledge this happened at all. So I sit here dealing with the fallout of something I had no control over and I just get so angry about it sometimes. (Yes I'm in therapy.)

Thought I would share and see if anyone had any insight. Please don't ask for more details (like how did this come out) as I don't want to out myself and I'm not interested in sharing more drama. I'm just looking for help. Thanks.

Edited October 15, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[FMW]

I have no siblings so I understand where you're coming from about your identity and what it means for you in general.

I've thought before of what it would be like to discover I had a sibling or half sibling.  Of course it's hard to know until it actually happens.

Anger for not being told was never something I even thought of.  I don't think (of course I don't know) that I would see it as a personal thing.  Parents are human and make mistakes (if their decision on this matter was a mistake).  They have their own motivations and triggers.  They make decisions based on how they see their circumstances at the time.  They do the best with what they have.

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Bittersweetie said:

My initial reaction was to comfort her because she was so upset. But as time has gone on, I've been through the gamut of emotions. Being an only child was part of my base identity, and I've had to work through that. I've worked through how to handle contact and maintain boundaries (I am currently in contact with my half sister though my mother is not).

...

But my mom actually said to me, "You were never supposed to know." And THAT I struggle with. I had a chance to have a sister throughout my life. I had a chance to be an Aunt. And that part still makes me angry.

What would it take for you to feel whole again? It's impossible to change the past. You do have the present and future. Would you continue to dwell in the past if you had a choice to move forwards from this? 

[Distraught1]

I can understand how upset you are.

It has been two years now. Based on you posting here you are still really struggling. You say...I could have had a sister and be an Aunt. Well, what is stopping you now? Your 1/2 sister, I would imagine, is more hurt than you. She is older and could have had a baby sister. This doesn't make it any better, I know, but I guess like @glowssaid above it's impossible to change the past. It seems like you have been introspective on why your mom didn't tell you etc. She clearly had/has immense amounts of guilt/shame about this...so much that it is too painful to communicate with her first child or even acknowledge, even after you know, that this happened. 

You are right. You had NO control over this, therefor you can only control this aspect of your life moving forward. BIG Kudos to you for seeking therapy. It seems like your parents are not very open or communicative in general so therapy will really help you to heal your anger. 

Maybe you and your 1/2 sister can form a special relationship over time. My heart goes out you. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by Distraught1

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks guys for the comments. I'm not angry AT my parents if that makes sense...they did what they thought was best at the time. I guess I'm angry at the situation and yes it has been two years so I should be moving forward. I am moving forward with my half sister, we would probably be farther along if Covid hadn't happened but that aspect is on a good path (she grew up an only too so neither of us really know how to be a sibling!). You know, writing about it here has kind of made me see that it's been a long time and while I will probably always have some anger about what happened, I may be holding on to the ANGER more than I should. There's other stuff going on in my life with my parents too so it may be when they do their typical conflict avoidant stuff, it triggers all the anger and that's what I need to be working on. More stuff to journal about!

[glows]

Most of us have things we would rather change about the past, things out of our control, and some of it nasty, broken, jagged and painful. You are not alone there. I think you are right that holding onto the anger is keeping you from experiencing life now. I can't speak for anyone else but the sweetest part about finding peace somehow is also accepting that the past is the past and it can no longer hurt me. I refuse to let it keep coming back. I hope you are also able to do the same.

What seems most infuriating right now might be the way your parents are behaving. If they acknowledged it openly and expressed their own sadness and remorse or at least acceptance (on your dad's part), you would not have to feel so alone. I'm sorry that they choose to handle things this way. There's no accountability, no transparency or clarity. You can give that to yourself though. You're already very strong. Keep moving forwards.

[Nothanks]

I think you are angry that the facts you based your life on - your very identity- turned out to be missing pertinent facts.   It shakes the foundation of your world and what you thought was the truth of your life. You have been lied to and it will take you time to adjust to your new reality.  You can be angry and empathetic to your mom too. Those feelings can coexist. Your parents have known the truth for years so it does not impact them the same as it does you. You will need time to process and decide how you want to deal with this new information. 

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks glows and nothanks...I think you both offer very good points. Glows, I am frustrated with my parents and the aftermath of all of this. My mom drops a bomb, checks in with me a couple of times, then no one speaks of it again. I can see now how this is how they deal with hard stuff, whereas in the past decade I've learned new coping skills and one of them is facing things headon, not avoiding. But I realize I can't change how they deal, I can only look at how I deal. However it's painful sometimes to think they dropped this on me and left me to deal alone.

And nothanks, yes, exactly. I was the only "only" I knew until I went to college. It was part of my identity. What do I say now? I've said "I grew up an only" to others recently which is true but sounds odd. I married into a family of many siblings so I always felt I got the best of both worlds. And like I said...I have no idea how to BE a sister! My H talks to his brothers daily but I'm not at that level. But if too long goes by without me and my sister connecting I think, "is this bad? is she mad? am I doing this wrong?" I'm like 50 years old and stressed about texts! LOL. Maybe sometimes I latch onto the anger so I don't have to feel all insecure about this new aspect of my life.

[ASG]

4 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

And nothanks, yes, exactly. I was the only "only" I knew until I went to college. It was part of my identity. What do I say now? I've said "I grew up an only" to others recently which is true but sounds odd. I married into a family of many siblings so I always felt I got the best of both worlds. And like I said...I have no idea how to BE a sister! My H talks to his brothers daily but I'm not at that level. But if too long goes by without me and my sister connecting I think, "is this bad? is she mad? am I doing this wrong?" I'm like 50 years old and stressed about texts! LOL. Maybe sometimes I latch onto the anger so I don't have to feel all insecure about this new aspect of my life.

There's no recipe for being a sister. I have a brother and a cousin I grew up with. I don't speak to either of them daily. Not even weekly! When I'm away, months can go by without us speaking. 

And I'd say I have a great relationship with both of them. 

On the other hand, my mom and her sister (my cousin's mom) speak daily or there abouts. 

Both situations are normal. There's no need to second guess yourself in regards to that. 

Also... family relationships are not necessarily any different from "chosen family" relationships (ie friends). You speak to them whenever you feel like it! Whatever feels good. You don't need to go out of your way to have more communication than you feel is organic for you. 

Ilove my family and would say I have a great relationship with them. However, the thought of speaking to any single one of them every single day is my idea of a nightmare. I just don't have it in me. Once a week dinners/lunches, and maybe a few texts during the week, if there's anything of note to talk about, is my ideal! And this includes my aunts and uncles as well! 
 

So don't stress about "how to be a sister". That's not a thing. A good friend is a sister. I'm sure you've had one of those in life!

[glows]

I have siblings. We speak daily/weekly in group chats and have zoom video chats with our families but it is a group effort. We make more of an effort now than in the past. What holds us together is probably a bond different from other friendships because we are the oldest relationships we've had since birth. My siblings know things about me others don't, intrinsic behaviours and quirks, and vice versa. You can still get the same idea from an old friend whom you've known for many years. Old friendships are like that, often holding up a mirror to you, shedding light on all the light and dark spots whether you enjoy it or not. Feels uncomfortable sometimes but so what. That's family. That's also what having siblings is like in my case. I don't think you are missing out if you have good friends around you and people who care about you.

I'd remain positive and hopeful for the future. You do have a sister so whatever you're feeling now, that is part of sisterhood as frustrating and confusing as it may feel because of the circumstances. You are a sister to someone. However long that takes to acknowledge each other or build in trust or relationship, you are still a sister to another person and I think that's quite special in itself. 

 

[RecentChange]

Personally, I just don't care about "blood" relation much at all.

I am not an only child, but in some ways close to one - my half brother and sister are 10+ years older than me, and were out of the house by the time I was 8, we have never been very close. 

In my early 20's I found out that I had a half sister from my dad (so I wasn't his only child after all). It wasn't clear of she knew who her father was (he allowed his ex's new partner to adopt) and honestly I never reached out because I didn't want to blow up her world if she didn't know. 

So I shared some blood with a women who lived on the other coast. But I never shared any experiences with her - and never really felt a need to make a connection. 

For me it's.... Just a fact, but it doesn't cause any emotions for me. Some one out there shared DNA (she passed away a few years ago).

It's not something I did, or anyone did maliciously. I find no value in playing the "what if" game, and assuming I have missed out on something. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Your feelings are completely healthy and normal. You'd have to be a psychopath to not feel betrayed by your parents.

What you're experiencing is similar to the disorientation and betrayal that a lot of adult adopted people feeling when they learn, as adults, that they were adopted. This revelation actually undoes the past. It throws all you thought you knew about yourself (and the world) into doubt. 

And I don't mean to be cruel, but your mother is handling this terribly. She couldn't handle this any worse. She's acting like people did in the 1950s when they thought if we don't talk about something, it doesn't exist. Psychologists have blown that thinking out of the water decades ago. Your reaction--again, which is totally healthy--is exactly what happens when you withhold truth for a long time. That's why for decades now, it's understood that you want to tell the adopted kid from day one that they're adopted. At first, they have no big idea what that means. But over time, they get more and more curious, and they have this word "adopted" to make sense of things, to ask questions and to grow into a full understanding. 

Ideally you would have been told as a kid that you had a sibling out there. That way you could have made room for a sibling, even a distant one living with another family, in your own narrative and understanding about your life and your family's life.

Sounds like it's time for therapy. You need a really smart therapist to coach you through this. Especially since your parents' responses are absolutely useless. Actually that's not true. Your parents' responses are worse than useless--their resposes downright harmful and bizarre. Mom should be setting aside hours and hours, days and days of time to comfort you, reassure you. Instead, she drops this bomb, which explodes in your face and then she goes into silence. 

I'd go to therapy on this. Because frankly you are on your own. This revelation has undermined your trust of your mom (how could it not) and undermined your own story and understanding of who you are. In an ideal world, you'd bet getting help from mom and dad through this period. Instead, you're running into a wall. This situation requires an outside brain specially trained for situations like this. 

It's likely you will need to get angry at mom and dad and also just sad for what you learned. Note this is therapeutic anger. You get angry in yourself--not take anger out at mom. Though there probably will come a time when you need to express anger (in a healthy way) and sadness and confusion with her. Sometimes you have to get furious with parents in order to heal. There is a block on that in regular life. That's where therapy comes in--you can get basically guided anger, channeled in a constructive way, designed to help you feel all your feelings and then to go forward from there.

You cannot short circuit this process. You can't really forgive mom without first getting angry at her. That's just psychology. Well you could do it, but it would take decades for you to really trust her. Seriously, decades. Therapy can speed up that process tremendously.

Good luck. Seriously, you are on your own. Go ahead and face that. And get some really great help. You can come out well on the other side .

[Nothanks]

There is no handbook for being a sister. Your husband grew up with his siblings so of course they are close.  Just because you share DNA with someone doesn’t mean the relationship happens automatically.  It happens over time based on shared experiences.  Think of her as a new friend and give yourself a break from worrying about what it means to be her sister.  You are putting too much pressure on yourself.  Let the relationship happen naturally.  If you both want to be in each other’s lives, it will happen. Deep breath and carry on!

[mark clemson]

FWIW, I have several nieces who I wasn't told about for like 25 years. They didn't tell me because one parent didn't really like or trust their half-brother who's children they were. I even lived like a 2 hour drive from one of them for several years.

I think, perhaps like you, I thought it was really interesting to suddenly have new blood relatives, but also frustrated that I had no idea they existed for so long. The nieces don't seem to like their dad that much either as he essentially ran out on them, although he eventually settled down more.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks again. I am in therapy, and have been for years. My husband has also helped a lot in working with my through all the current issues I have with my parents. I agree that they don't handle things very well, and I'd been pushing back on that in regards to other stuff going on...but after this bombshell I'm more working on accepting who they are rather than trying to make them change. Because at this point it ain't gonna happen.

I also like the perspective of seeing my sister as a new friend. I think I have been putting pressure on myself in regards to that relationship. I do need to look at it as a new friend. We don't seem to have a lot in common right now but she is a lovely person who I do want to get to know more. If it was up to her we would've met immediately upon contact (she has always known she was adopted). But I wasn't ready then, and I am now. 😀

Edited October 16, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 10/15/2021 at 12:17 PM, Bittersweetie said:

I've been posting in an infidelity/OW thread and it's been triggering me a little so I thought I'd start my own thread about my experience. 

I was an only child and had a happy, normal childhood. Just over two years ago my mom said she had to talk to me, and she told me I had a half sister. She gave a baby up for adoption when she was young, before she met my father.

My initial reaction was to comfort her because she was so upset. But as time has gone on, I've been through the gamut of emotions. Being an only child was part of my base identity, and I've had to work through that. I've worked through how to handle contact and maintain boundaries (I am currently in contact with my half sister though my mother is not).

I am still really struggling with the fact that this was out there my whole life and they never were going to tell me. Logically I can understand why my mom didn't want to tell...it was traumatic and she was very young and alone at that time. I understand it wouldn't have been an easy conversation to have. But my mom actually said to me, "You were never supposed to know." And THAT I struggle with. I had a chance to have a sister throughout my life. I had a chance to be an Aunt. And that part still makes me angry.

I can't talk about it with my mom...she's already swept it all back under the rug. And my dad refuses to acknowledge this happened at all. So I sit here dealing with the fallout of something I had no control over and I just get so angry about it sometimes. (Yes I'm in therapy.)

Thought I would share and see if anyone had any insight. Please don't ask for more details (like how did this come out) as I don't want to out myself and I'm not interested in sharing more drama. I'm just looking for help. Thanks.

The fact that you were never supposed to know, and she decided to spring this on you suddenly, tells me that she may have been contacted by the child she gave up. I've read a lot of stories of adopted children locating their birth parents and threatening to "out" them unless certain demands are met.

Please try not to make this about YOU. It really isn't. It's easy to think that you missed out on having a sister all this time, but the reality is that had she kept the child, you may not have been born. 

What your mom experienced is a part of HER life and HER journey. You should encourage her to talk to a therapist that specializes in birthmother issues. 

[Bittersweetie]

Georgia, yes my sister did reach out to them through a web site and they did not respond. There were no threats involved...I think they knew that I could easily see this person too so decided to tell me. I agree with you that my mom could benefit from therapy. My dad refuses to discuss it and with me she holds back a lot of details (understandably so). I've found therapists for her to work with in her area and offered to pay for them to no avail. I even once took her to my therapist where I live and she did one session and talked about how lovely my therapist is (which is true!) and how helpful it was to talk through things. Yet no further action was taken and I can't force her. I think my parents both have a huge fear of all change which results in paralyzation and avoidance. Which is why I'm working toward acceptance. Thanks for your comments.