Break up guilt after a 9 years relationship

[Cowbird]

Hi everyone, I apologize for this very long story, but I am in the biggest life crisis. I have never experienced that before and I could use some advice.

My relationship with my ex was wonderful. We shared so many experiences together, living together for 8 years, moving apartments 3 times, moving states changing careers. She always followed me in my dreams and followed me whenever I went. She was the most supporting, caring, loving person I met in my life, and she deeply deeply loves me.

One of the reason she said she loved me is because since the beginning I brought her peace, she was living with her family and there was a lot of drama constantly with no possibility to move out. She likes the care I provided to her, the love, the attention. She calls me her "security blanket".

We had 3 big fights in 9 years, and one almost lead to a break up by me saying I did not want this relationship anymore and her crying and begging to stay together. She promised me she will change. The big issues we had was an incompatibility in conversation. I am of a curious and logical nature trying to question everything and she is not. This lead to numerous fights when she tried to unconsciously lie to end the fight but me picking up on the lies made me more furious.

Fast forward to a few days ago, I broke up with her. We are living together far from her family, in our first apartment ( technically mine, the first I bought ). This came as a surprise for her since it has been a year she started seeking therapy and has made very good progress. Indeed she has been abused in her childhood and according to her, was not herself as a consequence for most of the relationship. She is discovering herself and we indeed liked her new self. The reasons to break up I brought on the table were essentially lack of physical attraction and her legal situation in the country we are living in.

• Lack of physical attraction : During the whole relationship, I always felt not fully attracted to her. She has some very nice features but some other that are not to my taste. She was always very self conscious about those and made some attempt throughout the years to remediate them with no success. As a consequence, I always imagined what would it be to be with the very attractive women I see walking down the street. I have never acted on my impulse by respect but the urge is overwhelming.
• Legal situation : The situation is such that since the beginning I was aware that she could not travel internationally without being denied re-entry. Since her family live her that means she is stuck her until the situation resolves. We have investigated throughout the years possible solutions, but they were all very risky and nothing happened. This means that every time I visit my family ( they live abroad ) I travel alone. This also mean I have not travel to visit other countries because I did want to share those experience with my partner and not alone or with friends.

We are still living together as of today as the situation is very complicated. She absolutely loves her job and everyone at her job loves her. From her viewpoint her life was beginning to become very enjoyable. We live in a very luxury apartment, in a very nice area. She started making a good living and her personal issues starting to resolve as the therapy went. She also loves me dearly so for her this was the almost perfect life.

I have to admit I was very comfortable with this life as well. The only problems really were the physical attraction, the legal situation and our incompatibility in reasoning and entertaining intellectual conversations. She understood completely that I did not want to spent the rest of life probably stuck in one country but she is convinced that the other problems can be resolved. She feels I rushed this decision. I indeed took a therapist to talk about those issues and came to the conclusion of breaking up in a month.

The issue now is that we have numerous conversation about the break up ( every nights ), very civil and level headed, but it always end up in both of us crying ( her more so ). Seeing her cries crushes me so much. After having made everything possible to make her pain go away, seeing her reaching this level of sadness and pain is crushing me so much.

I also find myself crying almost every day since the break up. I have never cried in my whole life this is very surprising to me. I also cried yesterday in the street by myself because of the thought of one day not seeing her again. I doubted my decision multiple times, usually in those moments of crying. So far we are living like before but with no physical interaction. Just like good friends. Yesterday was the first day were we actually laugh together like before as opposed to spend the whole night crying.

From her viewpoint the thought of going back to her family and to the drama, sleeping on her brother's couch, quitting this perfect life and her perfect boyfriend is taking a massive toll on her and also me. I worked so hard to provide her the best she deserved and it just feels like I am failing her in an unimaginable way. It seems that my reasons are also very selfish, I know that attraction fades with time but I can't help but imagine being with a better looking partner that makes me desire her.

I am also very scared of being alone, my family live in an other country and I have no friends her. I will be working by myself for at least 4 years here.

I wanted to ask if some of you had similar experiences and if this story makes any sense. If I made the biggest mistake of my life or if I should follow my selfish desires. I am happy to expand on any points mentioned before as well.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Cowbird said:

We are still living together as of today

Can she afford an apt?  Why not give her some time to get on her feet since she has a good job, then set her free to find a deserving loving man.

Edited October 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Cowbird]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can she afford an apt?  Why not give her some time to get on her feet since she has a good job, then set her free to find a deserving loving man.

I proposed that as well. She said she would rather not. Those are the reasons she gave me :

She will not live well the fact that she could see me in the street. 

She has moved here only to follow me.

She will miss her family more now since she will be all alone.

She has no friends here. ( She has one but she is rarely available )

[Nothanks]

I hope you understand that there is no painless and easy solution here. If you don’t want to be with her, you need a plan to have her move out. Do not expect her to continue to be your friend or be in your life afterwards.  It isn’t healthy for either of you.  You can’t chase fantasy women while at the same time stringing her along as a friend when you are lonely. That is not fair.  Best bet is to work on a plan together to get her out of the apartment.  If you let her stay, then you are signalling to her you are still together.  Stick by your decision to break up.  The back and forth changing your mind is totally unfair and emotional torture.  Help her get set up somewhere else, say your goodbyes, grieve the loss of her in your life and move on.  Clean break with no further contact. 

[Pumpernickel]

This is tough but I agree with @Nothanks….. You’re not physically attracted to her and that’s a problem. It is very unlikely that this will change in the (near) future. The problem is that she is apparently illegal in the country where you’re at or something like that unless I am completely misunderstanding your OP. (Or why else would she not be able to travel and re-enter the country?) You may want to elaborate on that some more.
 

Anyways, yes she did obviously sacrifice a lot to be with you by leaving her country and her family, and she may feel like you owe her for that to a certain extent. And she’s not wrong. And I’m sure you feel guilty to a certain extent that she did all that for you and now you want to dump her, because you’re not completely 100% physically attracted to her. I’m assuming you were physically attracted to her at some point in the past? If this is the case, please know that whoever you “exchange” her for, you’ll get bored with a new girlfriend at some point eventually as well. The problem I’m seeing here is that she sacrificed a lot for you and now you feel guilty for dumping her because of what she did for you. But since you’re not attracted to her anymore physically - and I don’t know what your sex life looks like in general - I don’t think that this can be “repaired”. Couples like that usually don’t successfully “recover” their relationship….. If the attraction is gone it’s gone. Some try couples therapy and sex therapy but it usually doesn’t really work

Edited October 16, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Cowbird]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

This is tough but I agree with @Nothanks….. You’re not physically attracted to her and that’s a problem. It is very unlikely that this will change in the (near) future. The problem is that she is apparently illegal in the country where you’re at or something like that unless I am completely misunderstanding your OP. (Or why else would she not be able to travel and re-enter the country?) You may want to elaborate on that some more.
 

Anyways, yes she did obviously sacrifice a lot to be with you by leaving her country and her family, and she may feel like you owe her for that to a certain extent. And she’s not wrong. And I’m sure you feel guilty to a certain extent that she did all that for you and now you want to dump her, because you’re not completely 100% physically attracted to her. I’m assuming you were physically attracted to her at some point in the past? If this is the case, please know that whoever you “exchange” her for, you’ll get bored with a new girlfriend at some point eventually as well. The problem I’m seeing here is that she sacrificed a lot for you and now you feel guilty for dumping her because of what she did for you. But since you’re not attracted to her anymore physically - and I don’t know what your sex life looks like in general - I don’t think that this can be “repaired”. Couples like that usually don’t successfully “recover” their relationship….. If the attraction is gone it’s gone. Some try couples therapy and sex therapy but it usually doesn’t really work

Yes she is illegal in the country that's correct. I have known since the beginning and we always tried to work out a solution to no aval.

She has not left her country for me. She has left the state where her family lives, she will go back to them soon or at least that is the theoretical plan. I know that I will get bored at some point even with a new girlfriend and that feels me with doubt as well. Our sex life was great the first year but went downhill thereafter. we had a lot of fights regarding that when she wanted to have more intercourse and I did not. At this point in time, having no intercourse with her does not bother me at all. But I know deep down that I should be attracted to my partner and have at least some desire to engage to a sexual relation.

Thank you for your comment it is really appreciated.

[Cowbird]

2 hours ago, Nothanks said:

I hope you understand that there is no painless and easy solution here. If you don’t want to be with her, you need a plan to have her move out. Do not expect her to continue to be your friend or be in your life afterwards.  It isn’t healthy for either of you.  You can’t chase fantasy women while at the same time stringing her along as a friend when you are lonely. That is not fair.  Best bet is to work on a plan together to get her out of the apartment.  If you let her stay, then you are signalling to her you are still together.  Stick by your decision to break up.  The back and forth changing your mind is totally unfair and emotional torture.  Help her get set up somewhere else, say your goodbyes, grieve the loss of her in your life and move on.  Clean break with no further contact. 

Thank you for your comment. I know that theoretically we need to do this as well. She is very scared of that. She cried a lot telling me that her world is completely  turned over. That she is very scared to leave. I do not know if what we are doing right now is good, and according to you it is not healthy but it seems that she is a little more at ease. The issue is that I do not exactly know if my decision was the best. I am filled with doubts and I just can't seem to figure the situation out. Sometimes I tell myself that I should just apologize to her, tell her she is the one and go back to the routine we had, and other time I am just thinking of not saying anything and letting her move out when she feels ready.

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, the attraction piece of the puzzle is huge. This confuses some people--and confused me for quite a while--because it's equally true that attraction is not enough and can sometimes be a horribly distraction. 

Attraction is not sufficient for a great relationship. But for the vast majority of people, strong attraction is required. And that's fine. Attraction makes it easier to treat the other person well. And by attraction, I don't mean that you think your partner is amazingly beautiful. Attraction means you can put the matter to rest. I am attracted strongly to the person and I don't have to ask myself that question again and again.

When people don't feel the strong attraction, they can enjoy things for a while. But then they go back to step one, asking themselves, "am I really into them?" 

If you can't shut down this question, that means you need to move on. Period. All else is noise. Doesn't matter how comfortable things are or how wonderful your partner thinks you are. Doesn't matter how much the person "needs" you or any of that. 

 

Edited October 16, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Cowbird]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Look, the attraction piece of the puzzle is huge. This confuses some people--and confused me for quite a while--because it's equally true that attraction is not enough and can sometimes be a horribly distraction. 

Attraction is not sufficient for a great relationship. But for the vast majority of people, strong attraction is required. And that's fine. Attraction makes it easier to treat the other person well. And by attraction, I don't mean that you think your partner is amazingly beautiful. Attraction means you can put the matter to rest. I am attracted strongly to the person and I don't have to ask myself that question again and again.

When people don't feel the strong attraction, they can enjoy things for a while. But then they go back to step one, asking themselves, "am I really into them?" 

If you can't shut down this question, that means you need to move on. Period. All else is noise. Doesn't matter how comfortable things are or how wonderful your partner thinks you are. Doesn't matter how much the person "needs" you or any of that. 

 

Your words resonate strongly in me. I would like to thank you for giving this hard reality. I always tell myself that if I am questioning it there must be something wrong. Either with the relationship or with me. In any case it is best to move on. It is just so hard after 9 years of happiness.

Thank you again

[Nothanks]

3 hours ago, Cowbird said:

Thank you for your comment. I know that theoretically we need to do this as well. She is very scared of that. She cried a lot telling me that her world is completely  turned over. That she is very scared to leave. I do not know if what we are doing right now is good, and according to you it is not healthy but it seems that she is a little more at ease. The issue is that I do not exactly know if my decision was the best. I am filled with doubts and I just can't seem to figure the situation out. Sometimes I tell myself that I should just apologize to her, tell her she is the one and go back to the routine we had, and other time I am just thinking of not saying anything and letting her move out when she feels ready.

Sorry just want to be clear - it is unhealthy to maintain a relationship with her AFTER she moves out.  After such a long term relationship, I do think it will take you both some time to accept it is over and start making plans for her to move out. I’m sure you are both scared and unsure.  It is hard and painful to detach from someone who has been such an important part of your life for so long.  You are going to have to process the concept of seeing her everyday to never seeing her again.  That is why I said initially that this will be painful.  However, you can’t keep going back and forth with breaking up and getting back together.  You know it isn’t working but you want to avoid the pain of breaking up so you doubt yourself.  You have a conscience and you don’t want to hurt someone you care for. Completely understandable.  However you know she is not who you want to be with for the rest of your life. But you also don’t want to lose her.  I’m sorry but you can’t have it both ways. It’s going to hurt.  No way around it.  All I can suggest is to keep moving forward.  Don’t slip back to being her boyfriend.  Establish boundaries, don’t give her mixed messages and be compassionate.  I’m sorry.  I think this is one of those situations where it has to get worse so it can eventually get better.

[Cowbird]

1 hour ago, Nothanks said:

Sorry just want to be clear - it is unhealthy to maintain a relationship with her AFTER she moves out.  After such a long term relationship, I do think it will take you both some time to accept it is over and start making plans for her to move out. I’m sure you are both scared and unsure.  It is hard and painful to detach from someone who has been such an important part of your life for so long.  You are going to have to process the concept of seeing her everyday to never seeing her again.  That is why I said initially that this will be painful.  However, you can’t keep going back and forth with breaking up and getting back together.  You know it isn’t working but you want to avoid the pain of breaking up so you doubt yourself.  You have a conscience and you don’t want to hurt someone you care for. Completely understandable.  However you know she is not who you want to be with for the rest of your life. But you also don’t want to lose her.  I’m sorry but you can’t have it both ways. It’s going to hurt.  No way around it.  All I can suggest is to keep moving forward.  Don’t slip back to being her boyfriend.  Establish boundaries, don’t give her mixed messages and be compassionate.  I’m sorry.  I think this is one of those situations where it has to get worse so it can eventually get better.

I might have misspoke. We are not planning to have contact after she moves out. We are having it right at this moment when she is still living here with me. She does not want to be alone while we figure things out related to the move and I share the same feeling.

We are not breaking up and getting back together either. We as of a few days ago "single". But the doubt is still there with me, mainly because I see every day how much anguish I inflicted to her. This makes me feel miserable. I also cries pretty much every day when she is at work, for what it seems related to my decision.

Right now we have decided to keep talking and run  our lives while figuring out how to ease out of the relationship. We are not convinced this is healthy or the thing to do but we agreed on it. I still picture the moment she will be walking out of the door to never come back and that is such a hard thought. All these feeling make me doubt, but at the same time the prospect of new experiences is enjoyable. Those two facts mixed together in my mind induce a terrible sense of selfishness where I shattered an almost perfect life for my partner just for the prospect of fulfilling my desires.

I concluded and confessed to my ex that I believe to be a horrible human being, I know that this does not make me get any better but that is truly how I feel.

[IrinaM]

to clarify:

you want to be with someone who is prettier and smarter than your current girlfriend is.

so break up with her, stop going back and forth and talking and crying about it. I don't think the problem here is her "history of abuse" that needs therapy, it is YOUR lack of integrity.

Either this woman if perfectly bright and pretty and you are just being entitled, in which case you should act with integrity and cut her loose. She deserves better.

OR...this woman is not pretty, unintelligent too, and you are smart and attractive and can therefore do better. In which case, you should act with integrity and cut her loose. She deserves better.

I think in your heart you know it's the first of those two which is correct. I can't imagine you would shed tears over this decision otherwise. Regardless, it's not right for you to take advantage of this woman's low self-esteem and lack of self-respect by staying in a "relationship" with her. Especially since she's been "abused" in her past, she deserves a good life in her future.

[glows]

Both of you are going to feel the emotions of a break up. Realistically, it will hurt because that familiarity ends. What's worse is carrying on in a relationship that is no longer fulfilling to you and not feeling entirely loyal to your girlfriend if you're having thoughts about being with other women or not being attracted to your girlfriend. Do the upstanding thing and break this off cleanly, cry if you need to but remain strong and do what you have to do to end this. 

She took a risk coming to this country and depending on someone but hopefully she will also be a little wiser and be able to restart her life without repeating the same mistakes in the past. Whether or not this is her ideal life or not with you, I think that's a question for her to answer some time from now, not now. I think she'll see after the dust settles that you two weren't as compatible at all, and not just in conversation. The way your minds think are different and you are not even attracted to her. How could this be ideal to anyone in the least.  You need to engage with someone and feel challenged. She has no need for that at all and prefers a peaceful and harmonious existence without having to engage in debates. Your split is inevitable. It just took time to come apart because for awhile her support felt nice and your stability seemed stable.. until it was not. This was bound to happen and once you both reached a lull or comfortable stretch, things started to fall apart. 

If you hurt, that's part of being human and there is nothing wrong with experiencing that and feeling regret, sadness and guilt. Don't keep going back and forth on your decision because at the moment she's the blind-sided one and it is much better to be clear and decisive than indecisive or drag this out longer than it has to be. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Cowbird said:

During the whole relationship, I always felt not fully attracted to her. She has some very nice features but some other that are not to my taste. She was always very self conscious about those and made some attempt throughout the years to remediate them

This is significant. It doesn't sound like you've ever been that attracted to her, but I am curious, what about her appearance has she tried to change for you? I am guessing you mean she has tried to lose weight, since I can't guess what other physcial features one could really modify without surgical intervention. Is that accurate? 

In any case, you know you are not that into her and never really have been. It's not that you will get bored with your next girlfriend, necessarily. It's just that you never really had those feelings for this one.

It's time to end this respectfully, and next time, don't get involved with a woman you are not into - be that physically, emotionally, or intellectually. This is a mismatch on almost every level, it seems. 

[Nothanks]

9 hours ago, Cowbird said:

Right now we have decided to keep talking and run  our lives while figuring out how to ease out of the relationship. We are not convinced this is healthy or the thing to do but we agreed on it. I still picture the moment she will be walking out of the door to never come back and that is such a hard thought. All these feeling make me doubt, but at the same time the prospect of new experiences is enjoyable. Those two facts mixed together in my mind induce a terrible sense of selfishness where I shattered an almost perfect life for my partner just for the prospect of fulfilling my desires.

I concluded and confessed to my ex that I believe to be a horrible human being, I know that this does not make me get any better but that is truly how I feel.

It is OK to take some time to process the end of your relationship.  However, don’t drag it out. That just prolongs the pain. Breaking up is a selfish thing when one person feels differently than the other. But it is also selfish to lead her on and waste more of her life pretending you want to be with her when you don’t. You are second guessing yourself just so you can avoid the pain of a breakup.  That is selfish. If she broke up with you and you found out she was happy and seeing someone else, how would you feel?  Relieved and happy for her?  If so, that’s your answer. Look breaking up sucks. It hurts. It gets emotionally messy. You will feel like a jerk by ending it and witnessing her pain. But it is time to do the right thing.  Let her go so she can find someone who wants to be with her.  

[Noproblem]

All these years, you didn't help her resolve her legal issues so she can a comfortable and safe life. Really? I mean you can break up with her, but since you are breaking up for vanity and not because of anything she did like cheating and she moved 3 times with you and followed you around like a puppy.

Be a responsible dog owner and let her get a safe and happy home before you let go

No living with her parents at her age is not an option after all these years, she is not thinking straight because you actually broke her world!

 

If attraction was an issue, why the heck did you stay with her for 9 years and took away her youthful years!

Now, oh get the hell out, you ugly! then you cry and she cries!

Lol, imagine being dumped because you are ugly! She was already abused and had a trouble childhood

now at 28 or 32, she is alone, miserable, living with parents and sleeping on brother's couch and thinking she wasn't beautiful enough for her 9 years bf who dumped her like an unwanted dog.

 

I am not saying you can't dump her and your reasons are invalid, I am just saying: YES DO THE HONROABLE THING and make sure she has a good place in this country! Give her the support she needs to thrive on her own!

 

 

 

[Cowbird]

2 hours ago, Noproblem said:

All these years, you didn't help her resolve her legal issues so she can a comfortable and safe life. Really? I mean you can break up with her, but since you are breaking up for vanity and not because of anything she did like cheating and she moved 3 times with you and followed you around like a puppy.

Be a responsible dog owner and let her get a safe and happy home before you let go

No living with her parents at her age is not an option after all these years, she is not thinking straight because you actually broke her world!

 

If attraction was an issue, why the heck did you stay with her for 9 years and took away her youthful years!

Now, oh get the hell out, you ugly! then you cry and she cries!

Lol, imagine being dumped because you are ugly! She was already abused and had a trouble childhood

now at 28 or 32, she is alone, miserable, living with parents and sleeping on brother's couch and thinking she wasn't beautiful enough for her 9 years bf who dumped her like an unwanted dog.

 

I am not saying you can't dump her and your reasons are invalid, I am just saying: YES DO THE HONROABLE THING and make sure she has a good place in this country! Give her the support she needs to thrive on her own!

 

 

 

I have not made the situation very clear and that is my bad. I always wanted to resolve her legal issues since the very first week we met. We have worked on multiple solutions together as well as seeking lawyer advice to o success. So I did indeed help her in this front.

I would not consider myself a dog owner and those words do not resonate with the type of relation we had.

She decided to live with her parents. She has a choice to live by herself and that is an option we discussed. I pushed her to stay her since she has a job she likes but she does not want to be in the same city as me as she is scared of seeing me in the street. She also misses her family and the only reason she left them was for me. So in her head the only workable solution is to go back with them.

I stayed in the relationship while not being fully attracted to her because I think at the beginning she was a rebound relationship. After some time passed we shared some very passionate and intense moment together. The attraction issue resurfaced often but I did not think it through at those moments. I think this was a maturity problem on my end. I regret deeply not having the conscience of thinking what was going on at those times. There have been multiple times where a break up could have happened.

She is far from ugly. I do not really understand how not being fully attracted entails ugliness. So this point does not require any elaborated answer.

I certainly  trie everything in my power for her to have a thriving life. Here are the options I gave her to help :

• Stay here as long as she wants to figure things out ( I have a 2 bedrooms ). Figure out what she wants to do.
• Rent an apartment in the city to keep her job.
• Stay in my apartment while I rent a place somewhere else.
• Pay for all her expenses related to the move out if she decides to go back to her family

She answers negatively to all of those options although she will accept some help for the last option. I deeply care about her and want to make it obvious I am doing the most I can so that she has a good life. It might not have been clear from my OP, I apologize.

Thank you for your message.

[Cowbird]

4 hours ago, Nothanks said:

It is OK to take some time to process the end of your relationship.  However, don’t drag it out. That just prolongs the pain. Breaking up is a selfish thing when one person feels differently than the other. But it is also selfish to lead her on and waste more of her life pretending you want to be with her when you don’t. You are second guessing yourself just so you can avoid the pain of a breakup.  That is selfish. If she broke up with you and you found out she was happy and seeing someone else, how would you feel?  Relieved and happy for her?  If so, that’s your answer. Look breaking up sucks. It hurts. It gets emotionally messy. You will feel like a jerk by ending it and witnessing her pain. But it is time to do the right thing.  Let her go so she can find someone who wants to be with her.  

Thank your for your message. At this point we concluded that it was too difficult for her to move out right away. We decided that she will stay here for some time while she finishes some things she started here. I know everything you said is the right thing to do. It is indeed very hard for me and I can't imagine how hard it must be for her. I secretly hope this could happen with minimal pain but I will have to accept this is an impossibility.

This is all too new for us, 9 years is a very long time.

[Cowbird]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is significant. It doesn't sound like you've ever been that attracted to her, but I am curious, what about her appearance has she tried to change for you? I am guessing you mean she has tried to lose weight, since I can't guess what other physcial features one could really modify without surgical intervention. Is that accurate? 

In any case, you know you are not that into her and never really have been. It's not that you will get bored with your next girlfriend, necessarily. It's just that you never really had those feelings for this one.

It's time to end this respectfully, and next time, don't get involved with a woman you are not into - be that physically, emotionally, or intellectually. This is a mismatch on almost every level, it seems. 

It is less related to weight but more body shape in general. There is also a surgical procedure she has not made because of previous emotional trauma. She is in a very difficult situation but the procedure might be possible for her in the near future since she managed to solve or at least process her past childhood abuse and is open to get the procedure done.

I will try to keep your last advice close to my heart. It is very difficult to imagine a life without her at the moment as 9 years is almost 1/3 of my life. She is part of me.

[Cowbird]

13 hours ago, IrinaM said:

to clarify:

you want to be with someone who is prettier and smarter than your current girlfriend is.

so break up with her, stop going back and forth and talking and crying about it. I don't think the problem here is her "history of abuse" that needs therapy, it is YOUR lack of integrity.

Either this woman if perfectly bright and pretty and you are just being entitled, in which case you should act with integrity and cut her loose. She deserves better.

OR...this woman is not pretty, unintelligent too, and you are smart and attractive and can therefore do better. In which case, you should act with integrity and cut her loose. She deserves better.

I think in your heart you know it's the first of those two which is correct. I can't imagine you would shed tears over this decision otherwise. Regardless, it's not right for you to take advantage of this woman's low self-esteem and lack of self-respect by staying in a "relationship" with her. Especially since she's been "abused" in her past, she deserves a good life in her future.

We are not going back and forth. I apologize for the misunderstanding. We broke up few days ago and are not back together now. 

The two situation you presented are not mutually exclusive or even exhaustive, so your inference is a non sequitur. Going past this problem since your conclusion is the same for both cases I assume it will be the case for all the missing cases as well which does not change your reasoning. She deserves better indeed, I think this is true but those words do not resonate with her at the moment.

My assumption for shedding tears is that I deeply care about her as a human being. It seems almost unintuitive to not react this way in this situation. I understand why you would think otherwise though.

She does deserve a good life in the future and I am trying everything in my power to give her just that.

Thank you for your message.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Cowbird said:

It is less related to weight but more body shape in general. There is also a surgical procedure she has not made because of previous emotional trauma.

Is this an aesthetic procedure?

I am trying to understand how she could change her body shape without something like liposuction, a tummy tuck, a butt-life, a breast lift or agumentation, or something of the sort. Is that what you are describing? 

Because when you feel your partner would need surgery in order to be more physically attractive to you, well, you both should have walked away a long time ago. That's not fair to her and probably made her feel pretty awful about herself. 

[Cowbird]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is this an aesthetic procedure?

I am trying to understand how she could change her body shape without something like liposuction, a tummy tuck, a butt-life, a breast lift or agumentation, or something of the sort. Is that what you are describing? 

Because when you feel your partner would need surgery in order to be more physically attractive to you, well, you both should have walked away a long time ago. That's not fair to her and probably made her feel pretty awful about herself. 

Well it is more like two issues. The first is related to body shape ( tummy area and legs ). We have discussed this throughout the years and it seemed very difficult for her to keep an exercise routine, mainly due to tiredness after work. It does not seem to fit in her lifestyle even though she desperately want to be able to change her body.

The second issue is her teeth. She needs a major surgical procedure to be able to be comfortable opening her mouth and smiling. In a weird sense, this has never bothered me on the attraction level. But it did bother me on a health level.

[Lotsgoingon]

3 hours ago, Cowbird said:

She does deserve a good life in the future and I am trying everything in my power to give her just that.

OK, the first sentence of wanting the best for her--that's fine. The second is not a good way of deciding on romance.

It's not your job to help her at this point. That's the job of a friend or family members. Your job in romance is to be clear that you REALLY want to be with her.  Don't worry about her feelings or else you'll marry someone as a piece of social work--and she doesn't know you're thinking she's a social work project. 

If you really want to be with her, then you can focus on being a great partner. But you gotta answer the "desire to be with" question first--and decisively.

And I'm not sure we can "give" someone a good life anyway. 

[Cowbird]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OK, the first sentence of wanting the best for her--that's fine. The second is not a good way of deciding on romance.

It's not your job to help her at this point. That's the job of a friend or family members. Your job in romance is to be clear that you REALLY want to be with her.  Don't worry about her feelings or else you'll marry someone as a piece of social work--and she doesn't know you're thinking she's a social work project. 

If you really want to be with her, then you can focus on being a great partner. But you gotta answer the "desire to be with" question first--and decisively.

And I'm not sure we can "give" someone a good life anyway. 

I think you are right. I still have a lot of trouble expressing myself. By this sentence I meant that I would like to do everything in my power so that the transition between living together to her moving out and living in wherever she wants is done with ease. I know that afterwards she will have to rely of friends and family but so far she is relying on me. We are not ready to live like two strangers until the situation gets to the points when she can safely move out.

I hope this is clearer. thank you for your message.

[Noproblem]

 

Like I said before. She

4 hours ago, Cowbird said:

I have not made the situation very clear and that is my bad. I always wanted to resolve her legal issues since the very first week we met. We have worked on multiple solutions together as well as seeking lawyer advice to o success. So I did indeed help her in this front.

I would not consider myself a dog owner and those words do not resonate with the type of relation we had.

She decided to live with her parents. She has a choice to live by herself and that is an option we discussed. I pushed her to stay her since she has a job she likes but she does not want to be in the same city as me as she is scared of seeing me in the street. She also misses her family and the only reason she left them was for me. So in her head the only workable solution is to go back with them.

I stayed in the relationship while not being fully attracted to her because I think at the beginning she was a rebound relationship. After some time passed we shared some very passionate and intense moment together. The attraction issue resurfaced often but I did not think it through at those moments. I think this was a maturity problem on my end. I regret deeply not having the conscience of thinking what was going on at those times. There have been multiple times where a break up could have happened.

She is far from ugly. I do not really understand how not being fully attracted entails ugliness. So this point does not require any elaborated answer.

I certainly  trie everything in my power for her to have a thriving life. Here are the options I gave her to help :

• Stay here as long as she wants to figure things out ( I have a 2 bedrooms ). Figure out what she wants to do.
• Rent an apartment in the city to keep her job.
• Stay in my apartment while I rent a place somewhere else.
• Pay for all her expenses related to the move out if she decides to go back to her family

She answers negatively to all of those options although she will accept some help for the last option. I deeply care about her and want to make it obvious I am doing the most I can so that she has a good life. It might not have been clear from my OP, I apologize.

Thank you for your message.

I feel you are very well spoken, but also very pragmatic and cold. I feel like she is more the emotional type, withering away with your coldness and having to accept the decision that you don't want her in your life anymore. Thus she decides to leave quietly and go back to a family that never treated her right just so she doesn't see you again. ( how can someone see someone else if they are broken up? It's a big country, chances are slim you'll see each others after break up).

You never used the term ugly. I said it, because that's how would I feel if my bf who I love so much left me because of how I look after being together for 9 years. 

But listen, you gave her all the options, she is not using logic to accept some of them. I guess her pride is clouding her judgment. 

You'll always feel a pinch of guilt from time to time, maybe 20 years from now, if you ever remember her, you'll feel a bit guilty about how it ended. 

 In time, you'll just learn to accept it and then later on you won't think about her anymore when you find a new love or get busy with life.

Since you don't love her anymore, it's time for her to build her life again. Hopefully she finds happiness too!

There is nothing else you can do!

I am against you stay with her since you don't love her anymore, it's not fair to you or to her.

I was never against you leaving her, I just wanted you to support her, but since you offered and she declined, then it's on her! 

 

Edited October 17, 2021 by Noproblem