Ongoing trust issues with my fiance (merged threads)

[Worried32]

It is slightly complicated . Back in 2016 his ex cheated on him. He then cheated on her by talking to a colleague for 2 months after this happened. I always knew they had a history but found out by accident they’re history was while he was still in a relationship. I get life isn’t black and white and his relationship with his ex was obviously over, but he was trying to work it out with her while talking to a colleague at the same time. I’m of the belief two wrongs don’t make a right. He still works with this colleague and from 2020 has started getting along with her again. We got together in 2019. I also work with him and there was one day he was in her office for nearly an hour just chatting. I think he can be friendly, he has to as they work together but things like being in her office for an hour aren’t appropriate. He seems to think it means nothing and I should just know that and be ok with it, but given they’re history I just don’t think he needs to be anything other than a colleague. Am I right or do I just need to get over it?

Edited March 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[ExpatInItaly]

This would tell me that my boundaries and his are not the same. 

So while I would not tell him what to do or who to talk to (or not), I would seriously re-consider whether this guy was right for me.  The very fact that he doesn't see why I would be uncomfortable with their renewed friendship would tell me a lot about where his priorities are.

I am not a big fan of telling adults (including boyfriends) what to do. I prefer to watch what they do of their own volition, because that tells me what their true nature is. He's tellling you, through his actions, what his is. 

[Worried32]

I should also add they don’t have anything to do with each other out of work

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Worried32 said:

I should also add they don’t have anything to do with each other out of work

Does this make their in-office interactions more comfortable for you? 

Because based on your first post, it doesn't. 

[Worried32]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Does this make their in-office interactions more comfortable for you? 

Because based on your first post, it doesn't. 

No, still not comfortable. I’m just not sure if I am overreacting 

[elaine567]

Why would you be overreacting?
He has a history of cheating, he cheated with her and now he is sniffing around her again... 
And telling you nothing is going on.

Edited October 17, 2021 by elaine567

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Worried32 said:

. We got together in 2019. I also work with him and there was one day he was in her office for nearly an hour just chatting. 

You seem unhappy and you have identified some character flaws.

He's a snake, the office wolf and is vengeful and justifies bad behaviors by blaming others.

This isn't about the co-worker or how much they still talk. This is about someone you're on edge with because at some level you know this won't end well for you.

Reflect on whether you want stress or happiness. Unfortunately you work together. So a clean break would be difficult.

However, the sooner you cut your losses,the happier you'll be.

[glows]

7 hours ago, Worried32 said:

I also work with him and there was one day he was in her office for nearly an hour just chatting. I think he can be friendly, he has to as they work together but things like being in her office for an hour aren’t appropriate. He seems to think it means nothing and I should just know that and be ok with it, but given they’re history I just don’t think he needs to be anything other than a colleague. Am I right or do I just need to get over it?

It should be a basic requirement not to associate with hypocrites and cheaters. Some things are black and white. You just need to up your standards a little and ask for more. He likely fed you a lot of excuses and lines about how his cheating and his ex's cheating were due to things that happened in their relationship, offering situations and context to help you feel better and accept that the hurt they caused each other was between them and even accept the third party in his life now. They're having a great time talking about you too, no doubt, in that office, amongst other things. What is it about this person that causes you to be drawn to him? Is it sex? Or his persuasiveness? Does he compliment you all the time and tell you nice things? 

I also think you should ask more out of your work space and eliminate issues like this. You deserve a problem-free and nonsense-free work space to focus on your tasks, not be thinking about your ex's drama in another office. 

[Nothanks]

Doesn’t sound like you BF has appropriate boundaries.  Don’t question your gut feeling. It’s indicating to you that this isn’t right. 

[smackie9]

Why date someone who has a history like that? You don't touch that with a 10 foot pole. And as a rule never date coworkers. This is a prime example of that.....jealousy. It could very well be he's telling you the truth that nothing is going on with them, they just get along and like to talk to each other as work friends.  You are only assuming...I bet if nothing ever happened between them before you would still be posting here about how it makes you jealous that he is in there talking to another woman for an hour. This won't have a happy ending.

Edited October 17, 2021 by smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

Over-reacting? You're under-reacting to a major red flag! Multiple red flags.  Like catatonically under-reacting. 

The cheating should bother you, #1. And this "life is not black and white" sounds like willful blindness. But then being friends with the woman. You better react! If you got some alive cells in your body, you should be bothered and afraid. 

Trust that alarm system, that discomfort in your body. That's not insecurities--that's insecurity because you are on thin ice with this guy. Why wouldn't you be scared and nervous and uncomfortable? You'd have to be a corpse to not be alarmed. 

Sorry to hear you're doubting yourself. 

Edited October 17, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[dramafreezone]

I think it's inconsiderate and selfish for a significant other to have an opposite sex friend that they spend a significant amount of time with.  It wouldn't even matter to me what their personal history was.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, Worried32 said:

No, still not comfortable. I’m just not sure if I am overreacting 

I personally don't think you are over-reacting. 

You know he is capable of shady behaviour, and here he is again with the very same woman. Nope. 

[kendahke]

On 10/17/2021 at 1:22 AM, Worried32 said:

He then cheated on her by talking to a colleague for 2 months

did he have sex with her, or was he just talking to her?

[kendahke]

On 10/17/2021 at 1:22 AM, Worried32 said:

He seems to think it means nothing and I should just know that and be ok with it, but given they’re history I just don’t think he needs to be anything other than a colleague. Am I right or do I just need to get over it?

To be with him, you are going to have to be OK with it. He's pretty much telling you that straight up. This is who he is. He's not who you've built him up to be in your imagination and he's not going through life according to your script. You're going to have to find a way to be at peace with this character flaw of his if you intend upon being with him. If he wanted to think differently about this, it'd be a done deal by now and this thread wouldn't be here.

I think you're right--but do you have the confidence of your convictions to stand sentry to your own boundaries and end things since he doesn't seem to think what he's doing is a problem? This will devolve unnecessarily slowly by trying to hold onto someone who isn't compatible with you out of fear of being by yourself until someone far more compatible comes along.

In the future, don't poop where you eat. Leave coworkers out of your dating pool.

Edited October 18, 2021 by kendahke

[Worried32]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

did he have sex with her, or was he just talking to her?

He says just talking

[Nothanks]

I understand you don’t want to tell him what to do.  So don’t. But you should be able to tell him you are not comfortable with him having personal discussions with her and it makes working with her difficult for you.  If he is not interested in making you feel safe in this relationship, then you can accept he values his relationship with her over his relationship with you or you end the relationship.  He can choose to keep talking to her or not. You have to decide what is acceptable for you to stay in this relationship.

And “no” you are not over reacting. If anything you are under reacting. He had an emotional connection with her and now he has hours long personal discussions with her behind closed doors….where you work!!  Highly insensitive at BEST.  At its worst, he is betraying you. I wouldn’t tolerate this level of insensitivity never mind the other alternative.

[ASG]

18 hours ago, Worried32 said:

He says just talking

Then... he didn't cheat! Talking isn't cheating. Based on this... you are definitely overreacting. 

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, Worried32 said:

He says just talking

But you think he's having sex with her?

I can understand how his inappropriate behavior of letting her into a space of intimacy that should be reserved only for you would be alarming...

However, you knew the first time he did this what he was about, yet you stuck around, even though his emotional affair partner is a co-worker---hence me saying don't poop where you eat. 

If he's holding you at bay and telling you you're overreacting, then both he and you know he is capable of taking things further with her because he doesn't view your relationship with the seriousness that you do. He may not even think you two are actually in a real relationship--I'll bet if you pressed him, he'll tell you that very same thing.  He'll let you think that he's 100% present in it because it keeps you in the house and not out looking for someone else, but he won't be 100% present, even if he's laying right next to you.

You know what you need to do: you just don't want to do it. This is going to get real ugly before it's done and you may end up losing a job because you can't remain professional in the work environment. 

It bears repeating: don't poop where you eat.

Edited October 19, 2021 by kendahke

[Worried32]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

But you think he's having sex with her?

I can understand how his inappropriate behavior of letting her into a space of intimacy that should be reserved only for you would be alarming...

However, you knew the first time he did this what he was about, yet you stuck around, even though his emotional affair partner is a co-worker---hence me saying don't poop where you eat. 

If he's holding you at bay and telling you you're overreacting, then both he and you know he is capable of taking things further with her because he doesn't view your relationship with the seriousness that you do. He may not even think you two are actually in a real relationship--I'll bet if you pressed him, he'll tell you that very same thing.  He'll let you think that he's 100% present in it because it keeps you in the house and not out looking for someone else, but he won't be 100% present, even if he's laying right next to you.

You know what you need to do: you just don't want to do it. This is going to get real ugly before it's done and you may end up losing a job because you can't remain professional in the work environment. 

It bears repeating: don't poop where you eat.

I don’t think he is sleeping with her. My concern is that I feel uncomfortable and insecure about him rekindling a friendship with someone he has previously had feelings for. I found out by putting two and two together, one year into our relationship that he was in fact talking to her while in a relationship with his ex still (who had also cheated on him first). I guess I’m scared that old feelings could come back and I get that given they work together they have had to learn to be amicable and get along for work which they did prior to us getting together. But he always still seemed a bit indifferent to her until recently and having to work very closely together due to covid. I think he can be a good colleague and be polite etc, whilst still being distant. Things like him being in her office for an hour chatting I don’t feel is necessary. I think he should respect and have an awareness for how I feel but my concern is I feel like I am a jealous psycho for even feeling this way

Edited October 19, 2021 by Worried32

[Nothanks]

You are not over reacting. He had personal conversations with her and developed feelings for her while in a previous relationship.  He emotionally cheated on his ex.  Now he is in a relationship with you and again having hours long personal conversations with this same woman. How do you know this time is different?  You don’t.  Not based on his word. You only know it is different by his actions. He should be treating this woman professionally at work in order to make you feel safe in your relationship.  But having lengthy personal conversations with her while you get to watch….and having to work there too…..so insensitive.

That said, it doesn’t matter what posters here think.  The only thing that matters is whether you find his behaviour acceptable or not.   

[Snow_Queen]

On 10/18/2021 at 6:51 PM, Worried32 said:

He says just talking

Perhaps an emotional affair, then? He’s already doing the same thing to you he did to his ex.

Edited October 20, 2021 by Snow_Queen

[kendahke]

On 10/19/2021 at 5:31 PM, Worried32 said:

My concern is that I feel uncomfortable and insecure about him rekindling a friendship with someone he has previously had feelings for.

And he told you:

Quote

He seems to think it means nothing and I should just know that and be ok with it,

He isn't going to end his friendship/involvement with her because he doesn't see any reason why he should have to.  That's why I said:

Quote

he doesn't view your relationship with the seriousness that you do. He may not even think you two are actually in a real relationship-

On 10/19/2021 at 5:31 PM, Worried32 said:

I think he can be a good colleague and be polite etc, whilst still being distant. Things like him being in her office for an hour chatting I don’t feel is necessary. I think he should respect and have an awareness for how I feel

But HE doesn't.  His words and behavior are bearing that out. You have to work with what is falling out in experience at your feet, not who you wished he'd be for you. You can wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which fills up first.

Quote

I feel like I am a jealous psycho for even feeling this way

You're not, however, you're being unrealistic about who you insist on being with, hence all of your pain and confusion. He isn't cut from the same moral cloth as you are.  Like I said above:

Quote

To be with him, you are going to have to be OK with it. He's pretty much telling you that straight up. This is who he is. He's not who you've built him up to be in your imagination and he's not going through life according to your script. You're going to have to find a way to be at peace with this character flaw of his if you intend upon being with him. If he wanted to think differently about this, it'd be a done deal by now and this thread wouldn't be here.

 

[Worried32]

I am a 35yo old female engaged to a 32yo old male. We had a few issues in 2020 where he didn’t cheat but perhaps wasn’t always aware of how some of his actions could make me feel insecure ie becoming g friends again again with a girl he used to have feelings for. I can be insecure and not trusting and it sent me into a real insecure phase to the point I got paranoid. I am aware I can be like this and am trying to work on it. Today he was working from home and had to go to the doctor. I have the day off and when he went to the dr I was going to go for a walk. When he went out I know this is wrong, but I was tempted to snoop through his work chats but noticed he had locked his computer. Is it odd for him to lock his computer when just me home and I wasn’t even going to be around? Or am I being paranoid? Normally if I’m not around he just leaves without locking it 

Edited March 24, 2022 by Worried32

[basil67]

@Worried32 the issue here isn't about him leaving his computer locked or not.  The issue is that you feel the need to snoop on the guy you're about to marry. 

You say that you're trying to work on your trust issues.  Are you using a therapist?  It's just that sometimes we have good reason to not trust a person.  And other times, insecurity is more about us than them.  It's crucial you get this sorted out before you commit to marriage.  

 

 

Edited March 24, 2022 by basil67