Ongoing trust issues with my fiance (merged threads)

[Happy Lemming]

It might be corporate policy to lock your computer when you away from it (and working from home).

You have no business looking at his work chats or any other work product.  You are not an employee of that company, so you have no business "snooping" or looking at anything he does for his employer.  You risk getting him fired (depending on how strict the policies are for his company). 

[Worried32]

11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

It might be corporate policy to lock your computer when you away from it (and working from home).

You have no business looking at his work chats or any other work product.  You are not an employee of that company, so you have no business "snooping" or looking at anything he does for his employer.  You risk getting him fired (depending on how strict the policies are for his company). 

I know it isn’t work policy as we work for the same organisation. It just got my attention that usually he leaves it unlocked but today he did lock it. I know when I have come home and he wasn’t expecting me to be there and he was away it’s unlocked but today when I was around he locked it. I know I can sometimes look for things to worry about so wasn’t sure if it was odd of him, or I’m more odd for even noticing he had locked it. 

[basil67]

Does he know that you sometimes look in his computer?  It's just that I leave my devices unlocked because I trust that my husband won't go hunting around in them.  But if I found this was happening, I'd lock the devices in order to put a stop to it. 

[Worried32]

Just now, basil67 said:

Does he know that you sometimes look in his computer?  It's just that I leave my devices unlocked because I trust that my husband won't go hunting around in them.  But if I found this was happening, I'd lock the devices in order to put a stop to it. 

I never have looked through it. I was just tempted 

[basil67]

Does any of this other behaviour suggest he has something to hide?

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

  It's just that I leave my devices unlocked because I trust that my husband won't go hunting around in them.

Same here... I know my girlfriend would never touch any of my computers and I don't touch her smart phone.

There is a trust!!

 

[Happy Lemming]

21 minutes ago, Worried32 said:

I know it isn’t work policy as we work for the same organisation.

Does he snoop through your work computer or work product??

[Worried32]

2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Does he snoop through your work computer or work product??

Not that I’m aware. Like I said I had a fleeting moment of wanting too and notice he had locked it. Now I’m wondering if locked because has something to hide or doesn’t trust me (has no reason to think I would go through his work laptop). He leaves his phone unattended around me and I don’t snoop. So I’m wondering why he has to lock his work laptop. But am also aware I can look for things too

[Worried32]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Does any of this other behaviour suggest he has something to hide?

No it doesn’t. I just developed a bit of mistrust through previous behaviour. He never cheated But within the first 18mo the of us being together he lacked an awareness around not doing things to make your partner feel insecure and while they weren’t major, when you’re more on the insecure side like I am it has done a bit of damage I guess and now I get confused between if something is odd or if I’m being paranoid. 
 

also I did see a therapist for the paranoia I did develop and lack of trust. The therapist could see both sides that things did happen that made me feel bad but I think I probably went over the top I think with my mistrust. I have got better but can still have moments. 

Edited March 24, 2022 by Worried32
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[basil67]

So in your heart of hearts, do you trust him now?  

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Worried32 said:

No it doesn’t. I just developed a bit of mistrust through previous behaviour.

What type of previous behavior?

 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Worried32 said:

 We had a few issues in 2020 where he didn’t cheat but perhaps wasn’t always aware of how some of his actions could make me feel insecure ie becoming g friends again again with a girl he used to have feelings for. 

Can you elaborate on what exactly he did to make you insecure, besides becoming friends again with a girl he had feelings for?

[Worried32]

23 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

What type of previous behavior?

 

He talked to and had feelings for a girl he works with while he was with his ex. His ex had just cheated on him but they were trying to work it out. He still works with this girl (we all work together). My opinion was they can get along for sake of work but doesn’t need to be hanging in her office for an hour etc. this girl has priors for affairs and I believe still like him. he has stopped now he knows it made me uncomfortable. Also before we made our relationship public the same girl was all over him and hugging him at a work function and he did nothing about it.  Also on one occasion a girl who liked him prior to us getting together (he rejected her)and obviously still did like him would message him and ask him to play on her mixed baseball team which he was going to. I said why are you being friends with a girl who likes you know your with me? Was things like that. It just built up. 
 

I’m not suggesting it was cheating I do believe did things that meant nothing to him but didn’t stop to think, hang on, I’m in a relationship now so that could make my gf feel funny. I see that now but it made me feel terribly insecure at the time and I admit I did go over the top with it too 

Edited March 24, 2022 by Worried32
More info

[Worried32]

14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Can you elaborate on what exactly he did to make you insecure, besides becoming friends again with a girl he had feelings for?

I detailed in another response just then too but being friends with girls who like him etc 

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, Worried32 said:

He talked to and had feelings for a girl he works with while he was with his ex. His ex had just cheated on him but they were trying to work it out. He still works with this girl (we all work together). My opinion was they can get along for sake of work but doesn’t need to be hanging in her office for an hour etc. this girl has priors for affairs and I believe still like him. he has stopped now he knows it made me uncomfortable. Also before we made our relationship public the same girl was all over him and hugging him at a work function and he did nothing about it.  Also on one occasion a girl who liked him prior to us getting together (he rejected her)and obviously still did like him would message him and ask him to play on her mixed baseball team which he was going to. I said why are you being friends with a girl who likes you know your with me? Was things like that. It just built up. 
 

I’m not suggesting it was cheating I do believe did things that meant nothing to him but didn’t stop to think, hang on, I’m in a relationship now so that could make my gf feel funny. I see that now but it made me feel terribly insecure at the time and I admit I did go over the top with it too 

Well, I don't know the ins and outs, but if he's being flirtatious with other women and not setting proper boundaries - DUMP HIM.

[glows]

It all seems a little too close for comfort, too much of a sh-it where you eat situation. He, you, she, all of you are dating each other as coworkers and so at some level you’re going to have to acknowledge that some type of camaraderie or working relationship is required for all of you to work together without making others in the organization feel uncomfortable.

If he seeks his exes or women out flirtatiously or likes the attention then you’ve got to adjust your picker. You picked a rotten one. 

Regarding the locked PC I often lock devices out of habit and without thinking before leaving a desk. You’re hurt and needing answers but I think you already have all the info you need to know.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Worried32 said:

 I was tempted to snoop through his work chats but noticed he had locked his computer.

How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together?

You don't trust him for whatever reason. Passcode protected devices has nothing to do with that.

You still all work together? Do you assume he has feelings for her or they are inappropriate?

What, exactly, are you afraid of? That he's cheating? That he's settling for you?

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about your despair, depression and anxiety.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Whether your suspicions are warranted or not is unclear. What is clear is a lack of comfort, security and trust in the relationship.

 

[Alpacalia]

It seems like your fiance' might enjoy hanging out with other women who are interested in him.

Is there anything wrong with that? Maybe, maybe not.

His female friend is a woman who he acknowledged he had feelings for in the past, as well.

It seems she has reciprocated his feelings, too. Do they have a history of dating?

Have you expressed to your fiance' that this makes you uncomfortable? If so, how did he respond? 

Can you really imagine him cheating on you? Or, do you just need him to let you know that you're the most important woman in his life from time to time? What is the issue -- trust or insecurity within yourself? You must recognize what this jealousy truly means and what it is telling you so that you can put an end to it. There is no right or wrong answer, but you must understand it so that you can deal with it.

[notbroken]

Should you be with someone you don't trust enough that you feel like you should check their computer?   Honestly, if someone snooped through my computer, phone, etc we would be done.   That is a breach of trust I just couldn't get over.    It seems this is either on you for having 'trust issues' or on him for being so untrustworthy that you want to check on him.  Figure out which it is and 'fix it' - either internally or by not being with someone you can't trust (which is a cornerstone of any relationship).  

 

[BaileyB]

If you are not able to trust that this man is going to respect you and maintain appropriate boundaries with other women you need to let him go. 

I don’t look through my partners phone or computer. He has female coworkers with whom he has good relationships. I trust him because he has always maintained an appropriate boundary and there has never even been a hint that he’s done anything inappropriate with other women. As such, he could go for lunch with them, he can talk with them at the office or on the phone, he could play baseball with them - I do not care. I trust him implicitly. 

That said, his first wife was irrationally jealous and insecure. When we started dating, he was shocked that he could mention his female coworkers and I would not be upset. My response - why would I be upset? 

I think part of my security comes from the fact that he has never given me reason to doubt. And part of my security is because both he and I know that this would be done if he did not respect appropriate boundaries. I’m not playing this game - wondering if he is doing something he shouldn’t be doing, monitoring his phone and computer. Neither is he. 

 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, notbroken said:

Honestly, if someone snooped through my computer, phone, etc we would be done.   That is a breach of trust I just couldn't get over. 

Agree. 

I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me, requires constant reassurance, and feels entitled to invade my privacy. 

I would encourage you OP to continue working with your therapist to develop your own confidence and manage your own anxiety. That said, if this guy is triggering your anxiety all the time in this way - maybe you need to think hard about whether this is the guy you want to keep around…

 

Edited March 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Particularly given your history, I think that you should try to calm down and give him the benefit of a doubt unless/until you have some real reason to suspect a problem. IF that occurs, you may have to take some actions; however, I don't think you should be asking to look at his work texts which I'm pretty sure you're legally not entitled to see.

If you think he's actually doing something inappropriate with this woman, I agree it's a bit of a tough spot, as you don't necessarily see what's going on at work. However, it sounds like you nipped whatever potentially might have occurred in the bud.

This co he's working for seems to have lax cyber security (IMO), as a work laptop should auto-lock e.g. after 10 minutes idle.

Edited March 24, 2022 by mark clemson

[Daliah]

Just be honest! Tell him you looked and tell him why! You can’t marry someone on such shakey foundations, and it seems to me that the issue lies in your insecurity.  There is trouble ahead if you don’t do something about your lack of trust.

 

[stillafool]

He more than likely locked his computer because he can't trust that you won't try to snoop.  He was obviously right and I can't blame him for locking it.

[salparadise]

On 3/23/2022 at 10:03 PM, Worried32 said:

When he went out I know this is wrong, but I was tempted to snoop through his work chats but noticed he had locked his computer. Is it odd for him to lock his computer when just me home and I wasn’t even going to be around? Or am I being paranoid?

Well, no. You wouldn't even know it was locked if you hadn't tried to get into it, and apparently he knows you'll snoop if you get the chance... so I'd say he's more than justified. And the funny thing is that it going to drive you nuts and you can't even bring it up without admitting that you were trying to get into it. I think you're going to have a lot of conflict in this marriage, if he goes through with it,