Tired of being both husband and wife

[Fishnobird]

Hi everyone, I’m new here for my first posting. I sort of know what I should do but I would appreciate other perspectives out there.

I’ll be 48 next month. My husband is 17 years older, and we’ve been married 10 years, together 12 years. Our relationship is very unbalanced where I always feel being both a husband and a wife the whole time. I’ve been almost the sole provider since he never worked. When we met, he was close to bankruptcy from the failure of his business. I was an international grad student at that time paying my tuition with my own savings. Money was very tight as I was supporting an extra person with the budget that I had planned for myself only. After graduation, I got a job the country where the employer was very kind to help me get a permanent residency. My work hours were long, he’s home alone either browsing internet, watching TV or “waiting for me to come home”. I always ask him to at least get a part-time job so he can contribute and get a social life. But he always has an excuse: he was not supposed to work with a dependent visa; companies rejected him because of his age; he doesn’t want to do “that kind of job” etc. He has a collection of coins and stamps which he sells online occasionally. So I told him to treat it like a business, list 3 items everyday then do volunteer work in his spare time. He did for a couple weeks then stopped because “no one buys/wants” and “other volunteers were not sociable”. We were living in a small town at that time. He said he was depressed and wanted to move to the west coast where there were more job opportunities and he could make some friend. We couldn’t because my PR application was employment-based and if I leave, I would have to start the whole process again.

We got our permanent residency 7 years ago, even though I hated to leave my boss who had been very kind to me, I decided to move across the county to make my husband’s dream come true. I gave him one condition though, that he had to get a job once we settled. Can you image two middle-aged people carrying a few suitcases, driving thousands of miles to start a new life without even knowing where their destination was? Thank God who provides. We found a house few months after we arrived, and I found a good-paying but demanding job. But he procrastinated to find a job because he was busy fixing our condo which was a fixer-upper. The renovation took him one whole year to finish. When I pushed him again to get a job, he reluctantly did couple jobs, each lasted for a few days or weeks, never exceeded a month. His reasons for leaving were the job was boring, he didn’t get paid enough (he didn’t graduate high school and had no previous work experience!), other people got in his way etc. One time, he called off a job because I did not show any appreciation about his willingness to work even though he doesn’t like it. Simply put, he expected credits from me for the work he’s done. I was concerned about his mental health so I told him again, to sell his stuff online and volunteer. He agreed but whenever I came home and asked him what he did that day, his answer was, 3 out of 5 times, cleaning out the garage. For years, I have been working hard to buy us 2 homes, pay for all the bills, cook, pay for our vacations and the expensive attorney fee for our PR applications. He did try to keep the house clean. On those few days he worked, I packed his lunch and snacks every time. Before we moved, I gave him money to start a business because he promised he would commit to running the business and be responsible. That business never took off, it has been a deficit and he passed the responsibilities to me while I was working 10 hours a day.

Two years ago, we had an argument about him not contributing, he said to me, “I never asked you to work, you don’t have to work.” I was livid so I kicked him out of the house and we separated for 6 months. During our separation, he worked as an uber driver then Amazon delivery but got laid off because he was too slow. I felt very sorry for him because they demanded every driver to deliver more than 300 packages until 11:00 pm every day. He said he finally realized how much I had put in, and he would make it up to me if I would give him a second chance. I let him move back. Due to the lack of work experience, it has been almost impossible for him to get a job. Since he was handy, he found a construction job but unfortunately got ripped off – worked but didn’t get paid. He felt defeated so I told him not to worry, just focusing on helping out around the house and volunteer whenever possible. I honestly don’t mind to switch our roles as long as he’s doing his part – helping out in the house.

It’s been one and half years since we got back together. Few months ago, he suggested moving to a cheaper state so we can buy a few properties and rely solely on rental incomes. He also said he’s bored with the west coast because it’s too expensive and he could not make any friends. I told him to wait as I still need to work a few years to be eligible for social benefits when I retire. He agreed even though he didn’t like my answer. I quit my job during the pandemic and has been looking for a new job. Lately, I’ve doing some temp jobs while looking for a perm, he’s been slacking off again. I feel drained every day that he’s waiting for me to do this, do that. He wants me to:  1) take pictures of the stamps so he can list, 2) wash fruits so we can eat, 3) plan vacations since I’m not working, 4) to get memberships at the gym so we can do something….to name just a few. I work, whether it’s a job or at home, all day – cook, do dishes, buy grocery, manage bills, send applications, take pictures, pack and ship his goods, clean the yards and water the lawn. My day finishes at about 8 every night then he asks me to watch Netflix together. As you can imagine, my sex drive vanishes but I would do it probably once a month to make him happy. He complains every day saying that it’s not healthy for him and I should see a doctor for not wanting sex. He also thinks I am depressed for being out of work. Last week, he brought up the gym membership again because we are not doing anything. I was cleaning dishes after our lunch. We had a big argument. Then, he went in the bedroom and I found out he was checking on the internet “how to live with a bipolar wife”! I lost it and kicked him out again.

Last time when we were separated, he wanted to get half of our 2 homes – one we lived in and one rental property. I wanted to keep the house because my family helped and I took out all my 401k to pay for it. I offered him the rental (which I paid 30% down) but he refused as he could not pay for the mortgage. So I offered to pay for the mortgage but he needs to pay property tax and HOA. He was only able to pay HOA, so I paid the property tax at the end. He said he would pay me back which never happened. All these years, I’ve been paying for everything. I gave him an auxiliary credit card because he has bad credit. When we got married, he sold his house and gave me half (less than 50k) to buy our first house. I told him to keep the other half since I don’t need it. Then, he wanted to take his daughter and her friends on vacation, and he gave his ex-girlfriend few thousand dollars for “helping him to acquire the house”. He claimed he is entitled to half of everything because he’s been “flipping” our homes for profits. I drew up a financial statement, credited the actual money he put in, and gave a very generous estimate on his reno work, yet it shows he owes me an enormous amount. He has a daughter from his previous marriage. She is in her early 40’s, does some odd jobs, never married but has a few kids. Few years ago, I told my husband to set up a will in case something happens, I would be protected. He refused at first, then said he would do it but never did. Before we were separated, his sister had cancer so he took her on vacation twice – one with her alone, the other one with her and her boyfriend - both of them are on welfare. I paid for all the trips that I didn’t participate. By the way, he never proposed and I bought our wedding bands. I also planned for all our vacations and special occasions including my birthdays.

I know this is a long story and I thank you for your patience and time for reading it through. I admit I’m not a Saint either. As a matter of fact, I become very violent whenever our argument gets intense. I regretted it every single time because I love him. I know he loves me, he’s trying hard but he slipped and let me down too often. I’ve mentioned to him numerous times getting a divorce but he doesn’t want. Even when we were separated, my intention was not to threaten him or to change his behavior. I realize I might have been asking and waiting for a fish to fly, that is, he might never be able to meet my expectations no matter how hard he tries. I want a responsible partner but he wants freedom and enjoys his life which could be explained because he had prostate cancer right before we met. He has left for more than one week. I am hoping when he shows up again, I would have dialed down my emotions to tell him calmly that I love him and I always will. I just can’t be married to him anymore.

What are your thoughts? Am I wrong for kicking him out and not wanting to give him half of everything?

[FMW]

You're not wrong for your feelings. 

However, depending on where you live, if you divorce he may get half of everything anyway.  You've established a long-standing situation of providing for him financially, he'll be seen as dependent on you.  Regardless of how deficient you see his contributions, financial and otherwise, he will probably have certain rights to what you've attained "together".  If you hadn't stopped working you might have been on the hook for paying him maintenance as well.

See an attorney so you know what to expect.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Fishnobird said:

I just can’t be married to him anymore. Am I wrong for kicking him out and not wanting to give him half of everything?

This is a question only an attorney in your jurisdiction can answer.

Can you throw someone out of thier legal residence? You need to ask.

How would division of assets work in your situation? You need to ask.

Stop being a martyr. Just contact an attorney for a consultation for your options in divorce. Ask if what you are doing is legal and what everyone's rights are in your situation.

You also need an accountant and financial planner to figure out how to plan your retirement.

Sadly you are enabling yet complaining about all this at the same time. You're not teen BF/GF that get mad and breakup in a huff, so you'll have to legally divorce to sever residences and other assets.

Hopefully with good legal advice you'll find a way to free yourself from what you describe as a very unhappy marriage.

First stop all the bickering and invest your time in dissolving the marriage.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Fishnobird said:

I’ve mentioned to him numerous times getting a divorce but he doesn’t want. Even when we were separated, my intention was not to threaten him or to change his behavior. I realize I might have been asking and waiting for a fish to fly, that is, he might never be able to meet my expectations no matter how hard he tries. I want a responsible partner but he wants freedom and enjoys his life which could be explained because he had prostate cancer right before we met. He has left for more than one week. I am hoping when he shows up again, I would have dialed down my emotions to tell him calmly that I love him and I always will. I just can’t be married to him anymore.

What are your thoughts? Am I wrong for kicking him out and not wanting to give him half of everything?

He doesn't need to "want" a divorce for a divorce to happen. You alone privately speak to a lawyer and file the papers accordingly should you wish to proceed. He doesn't have to work or provide for anything because he has you. You are his meal ticket. Unfortunately you aptly called it as is by mentioning that you might have been asking and waiting for a fish to fly. What you are looking for in a partner or husband is not him and it likely never was. He's not going to  change. Part of your problem all these years is expecting him to.