shaselai Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 So I have a friend who is trying to set me up with her best friends daughter from another country. I am 39 and she is 29. She is eager to get married due to her age and I am eager due to mine. I have just met someone locally and dated twice. The girl my friend introduced to me I have been talking for couple of months wants to come visit when US opens up mid November and I feel if I say yes we are basically going into serious mode and the friend told me she does want to get married and don't mind my age. She said I have a sure thing and another that might drag a while and while we don't want to make rash decisions but I am getting up there too. She did say her friend daughter might just forget this if we don't meet soon because she doesn't want to wait too. I am in a weird spot because neither women are considered girlfriends so I am not being an ahole talking to both but I also feel if the local girl doesn't work out I think I will go all in with the friends girl. Should I just be decisive now or go with both until the point where one just decides to end it or I feel local girl is not interested? I can ask the local girl how she feels on our 3rd date but that might be pressuring her. But she is from same country so she probably has similar mentality as well so it might not be as awkward question as people think...I actually got asked similar question by someone else on 2nd date.. And no, its kind of standard for women from that country to get married before 30 and she is not trying to swindle anything... Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 I don’t understand why your friend’s friend’s daughter would even consider this, and why you yourself would consider this. Do y’all have no other options to meet someone? You’re 39, and currently dating someone, so that means you’ve got options locally. What makes you think that getting fixed up by a third party with somebody you don’t even know is a good idea? If she comes visit the U.S. (why does she want to move here anyways?), are you expected to be fully responsible for entertaining her during her stay? That would make most people super uncomfortable, and it sounds like a lot of pressure. Please explain why this is an attractive option for you, because I don’t quite understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 I suspect you're overthinking things after two dates with one woman and one with someone you've never met before. I understand your want to marry as soon as possible, but don't rush the process. How will you know if you've found the ideal person or if you're just preoccupied with marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Nothanks Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 Cool your jets. You are already planning marriage with two women you barely know? How about you get to know them first before slotting one in to the “wife” box on your org chart? Geez we are talking about marriage, a lifetime commitment, not hiring someone to fill a position. Take the time to get to know them and just be honest with both women. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DividedTrail Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 (edited) I get the vibe from the OP there is a cultural or religious component here that is different from the western or ‘American’ way of doing things. It sounds like it is expected to have a short courting period. I don’t know how you decide what to do in that scenario… The OP doesn’t mention one word about feelings for either of these women. It seems all intellectual. Again, a tough spot if my assumptions are correct. Edited October 17, 2021 by DividedTrail 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaselai Posted October 17, 2021 Author Share Posted October 17, 2021 (edited) 31 minutes ago, DividedTrail said: I get the vibe from the OP there is a cultural or religious component here that is different from the western or ‘American’ way of doing things. It sounds like it is expected to have a short courting period. I don’t know how you decide what to do in that scenario… The OP doesn’t mention one word about feelings for either of these women. It seems all intellectual. Again, a tough spot if my assumptions are correct. Yes it is a cultural vibe. People from my country thinks marriage age is under 30.for women and they are considered not desirable after 30. Yes partially it is biological clock and partially culture. So it is not abnormal from our culture to have people try to push to see how serious the other party is. Its not like US where you can have flings or long periods of courting because they don't know how serious you are. I think because it is long distance with her she wants to see if I am serious about continuing the next step or not which triggered my friend asking me because she's getting pressured from her best friend about it. Part of me because I have been in US most of my life (since 9) do want to get to know each other more and I would've met her already if she were here. But I also know that my age is not doing any favors and single men past 40 is considered "weird" like why are you not married yet. I do want to get married and have a family but I don't want to rush things while opportunities are dwindling. Under 34 year old women don't date men around my age normally and the longer I am indecisive the worse it is for me too. I am not saying settle for anyone because I do enjoy talking to both and would like to continue doing so. It's just one has a goal in mind the other I haven't asked but when we did meet on second date she did mention how the job market for her would be like if she moved closer to where I am. I have a friend who is in his 50s and still single because he kept trying to find the one and taking it slow... I don't really want to be like him... And frankly even in US where people take it slow, the divorce rate is pretty high at 50%, 6thbhighest in the world... not saying it all attributes to not knowing the person but its it still 50 50 at best when people "really know eachother". Edited October 17, 2021 by shaselai Link to post Share on other sites
Nothanks Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 I get the cultural aspect but I think you still need to take some time here. I’m assuming divorce doesn’t go over very well in your culture either. Making the wrong decision is worse than no decision. Can’t you manage expectations with both women? Tell them you are interested in marriage but need some time to get to know each other. It is to their benefit too. Even if you give yourself three months, it is better than nothing. Two dates with one and no in-person meeting with the other is not much to base a life altering decision on. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 3 hours ago, shaselai said: She said I have a sure thing So what happens if you meet and don't like her or aren't attracted to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaselai Posted October 17, 2021 Author Share Posted October 17, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: So what happens if you meet and don't like her or aren't attracted to her? Then we end it. I guess sure thing as if we both like each other then next step would be engagement maybe. I guess I just feel more pressure meeting especially she's flying all the way here vs we just meet in the area... Link to post Share on other sites
Nothanks Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, shaselai said: I guess I just feel more pressure meeting especially she's flying all the way here vs we just meet in the area... This is why you need to manage her expectations. She can come to visit the US and get to know you. That is what is on offer. She should not come if she is expecting an engagement. Surely there are ways to communicate with the non-local right? Video call or something? And the local woman, why can’t you date her in the meantime? I still think pumping the brakes is your best option. Slow things down. If you absolutely have to choose right now for some reason, don’t make someone fly from overseas with expectations of marriage. Date the local woman and see where it goes. Edited October 17, 2021 by Nothanks Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 I'm American and so I can only answer this question through the lens of my culture. But it doesn't seem like a good idea at all to rush into an engagement with a stranger from another country who you have never met, simply because you are 39. That's kind of ridiculous. The local dating is what you should be doing. That's how people get to know each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaselai Posted October 17, 2021 Author Share Posted October 17, 2021 3 hours ago, Nothanks said: This is why you need to manage her expectations. She can come to visit the US and get to know you. That is what is on offer. She should not come if she is expecting an engagement. Surely there are ways to communicate with the non-local right? Video call or something? And the local woman, why can’t you date her in the meantime? I still think pumping the brakes is your best option. Slow things down. If you absolutely have to choose right now for some reason, don’t make someone fly from overseas with expectations of marriage. Date the local woman and see where it goes. yeah thats my plan but I don't know what their expectations are. We done video couple times and audio. I try to shy away because she always asks me that question. Link to post Share on other sites
Nothanks Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 Ok then stick to dating the local woman. The potential for misunderstanding appears to be too great with the non-local. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaselai Posted October 18, 2021 Author Share Posted October 18, 2021 22 minutes ago, Nothanks said: Ok then stick to dating the local woman. The potential for misunderstanding appears to be too great with the non-local. Should I let the long distance to come? Maybe pay for her to come here so if things go south ? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 6 hours ago, shaselai said: yeah thats my plan but I don't know what their expectations are. We done video couple times and audio. I try to shy away because she always asks me that question. Which question? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 17 hours ago, shaselai said: its kind of standard for women from that country to get married before 30 and she is not trying to swindle anything... Is this an arranged marriage situation where introductions to people are important? Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 (edited) When I met my husband I made it very clear from our 1st chat I wasn't messing around or wasting time. I was also 29 at the time and although I wanted things to grow organically and not to rush into kids and marriage, I made it abundantly clear it was my goal/direction, eventually. I didnt want a new friend, FB, FWB, or a casual relationship where we dated others. We have been together for 8 years, suffered a few miscarriages now and I am newly pregnant again but we got married over 5 years after we met and did not live together for a long time. It was important for us both to have that end goal though. Our intentions were always clear. I think you should be straight up. The connections you make in person could totally fizzle out any feelings of marriage for her so I say meet her and see how things go. It cant hurt. It could hurt them both if you dilly dally around though With the local girl, let her know youre not getting younger and ask what she is looking for in this. Let her know what youre looking for, too. It doesn't mean she will be the one but her response will give you some insight into whether or not you're looking for the same things (if she is looking for a casual thing you can end it now vs months from now is what I mean.) If she says she isnt sure about kids or marriage, it will give you some direction. Heck, you could meet the other one and it could be awful in person. So I say meet her earlier than later, see if there is a spark or connection and go from there. Edited October 18, 2021 by Daisydooks 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: So what happens if you meet and don't like her or aren't attracted to her? She goes home. Lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nothanks Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 17 hours ago, shaselai said: Should I let the long distance to come? Maybe pay for her to come here so if things go south ? It sounds like the non-local will expect marriage if she travels all the way to the US (regardless of who pays). So I’m suggesting you see where it goes with the local girl first. If the minute the non-local hits US soil she thinks she is getting engaged, you may feel obligated and then find yourself in a mess if you want to back out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaselai Posted October 19, 2021 Author Share Posted October 19, 2021 3 hours ago, Nothanks said: It sounds like the non-local will expect marriage if she travels all the way to the US (regardless of who pays). So I’m suggesting you see where it goes with the local girl first. If the minute the non-local hits US soil she thinks she is getting engaged, you may feel obligated and then find yourself in a mess if you want to back out. It happened to me before where another girl came here. I actually was really into her and we hit it off. But my sister talked me down saying she has to learn English, adjust to culture here and I would be supporting her and her mom(her mom divorced) and my sister thinks it will be heavy burden on me. My parents were fine with it but they are thinking about grandkids lol. I still kind of regret listening to my sister - the girl ended up getting engaged half year later and is doing great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaselai Posted October 19, 2021 Author Share Posted October 19, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, Daisydooks said: When I met my husband I made it very clear from our 1st chat I wasn't messing around or wasting time. I was also 29 at the time and although I wanted things to grow organically and not to rush into kids and marriage, I made it abundantly clear it was my goal/direction, eventually. I didnt want a new friend, FB, FWB, or a casual relationship where we dated others. We have been together for 8 years, suffered a few miscarriages now and I am newly pregnant again but we got married over 5 years after we met and did not live together for a long time. It was important for us both to have that end goal though. Our intentions were always clear. I think you should be straight up. The connections you make in person could totally fizzle out any feelings of marriage for her so I say meet her and see how things go. It cant hurt. It could hurt them both if you dilly dally around though With the local girl, let her know youre not getting younger and ask what she is looking for in this. Let her know what youre looking for, too. It doesn't mean she will be the one but her response will give you some insight into whether or not you're looking for the same things (if she is looking for a casual thing you can end it now vs months from now is what I mean.) If she says she isnt sure about kids or marriage, it will give you some direction. Heck, you could meet the other one and it could be awful in person. So I say meet her earlier than later, see if there is a spark or connection and go from there. Thanks for sharing the insight. Is there a good way to ask the local girl this question? I feel.most people would say they are not into flings..not sure if I can dig deeper? From what I known talking to her i dou t she's in it for short term but how quickly she wants to settle down is something I would like to know...any way to ask her that? She did mention on our 2nd date if she were to find a job closer if there will be companies around here that leverages her skillset. She also mentioned wanting to buy a place 1.5 hours away (we are now 40ish) since its cheaper there and many her friends living there too. I could ask her her thoughts? Edited October 19, 2021 by shaselai Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaselai Posted October 19, 2021 Author Share Posted October 19, 2021 (edited) Well she messaged me last night and told me she heard back from my friend. She did relay her thoughts which is she does want to meet and it will be marriage as the topic but of course things can go wrong. She days she be taking big risk with her country covid rules and probably dock pay with the quarantine etc. She says a lot of her friends are married with kids so she feels its her time too... I did say maybe end of the year if things right...I think if local girl no good maybe I just go for it.. Edited October 19, 2021 by shaselai Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 20, 2021 Share Posted October 20, 2021 (edited) Just to ask the obviously most important thing first of all , what do you think of either of these women individually ? Surely to scratch just the very tip of the most obvious , which one do you even feel could grow into love, be most compatible , feel most comfortable with, feel the most and l hate the damn word so norm these days but connection with , which one if any is even stirring up your insides so much that you just can't wait to see or talk to or be with, which one are you most attracted to? l can't believe you haven't even mentioned any of this. Edited October 20, 2021 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Johnjohnson2017 Posted October 20, 2021 Share Posted October 20, 2021 On 10/17/2021 at 10:01 AM, shaselai said: So I have a friend who is trying to set me up with her best friends daughter from another country. I am 39 and she is 29. She is eager to get married due to her age and I am eager due to mine. I have just met someone locally and dated twice. The girl my friend introduced to me I have been talking for couple of months wants to come visit when US opens up mid November and I feel if I say yes we are basically going into serious mode and the friend told me she does want to get married and don't mind my age. She said I have a sure thing and another that might drag a while and while we don't want to make rash decisions but I am getting up there too. She did say her friend daughter might just forget this if we don't meet soon because she doesn't want to wait too. I am in a weird spot because neither women are considered girlfriends so I am not being an ahole talking to both but I also feel if the local girl doesn't work out I think I will go all in with the friends girl. Should I just be decisive now or go with both until the point where one just decides to end it or I feel local girl is not interested? I can ask the local girl how she feels on our 3rd date but that might be pressuring her. But she is from same country so she probably has similar mentality as well so it might not be as awkward question as people think...I actually got asked similar question by someone else on 2nd date.. And no, its kind of standard for women from that country to get married before 30 and she is not trying to swindle anything... Can you travel to the 29 yo country to meet her face to face. You will also get a chance to meet her family. Does she have family in the USA? Your sister might also object . By bringing her in the US, you will have more of a financial burden. She will need time to learn english and won't probably have a job for a while. You will also be supporting her family back in her country, unless her family is well off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaselai Posted October 20, 2021 Author Share Posted October 20, 2021 15 hours ago, chillii said: Just to ask the obviously most important thing first of all , what do you think of either of these women individually ? Surely to scratch just the very tip of the most obvious , which one do you even feel could grow into love, be most compatible , feel most comfortable with, feel the most and l hate the damn word so norm these days but connection with , which one if any is even stirring up your insides so much that you just can't wait to see or talk to or be with, which one are you most attracted to? l can't believe you haven't even mentioned any of this. I prefer the local girl given everything equal. When we went on the two dates we talked for hours. The long distance girl I think we had good communication but she texts everyday so sometimes I don't have much to talk about and she stays home a lot I guess no ones fault besides covid. I mean if I don't feel a chemistry I wouldn't keep talking for sake of marriage...if it were that I would've done it last year. Link to post Share on other sites
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