3 months since my breakup and I am just so angry? How to get over this?

[gogators_15]

It’s been 3 months since I was dumped. My boyfriend at the time said “everything was perfect, I checked all his boxes” BUT he “needed to make sure someone else couldn’t check boxes” that he “didn’t know existed yet.” He said with only ever having 1 other girlfriend to compare me to, even though he's never been treated or could imagine ever being treated any better, he needed to compare me to others before fully committing. Brutal. 

This was a week after my birthday, 1 week after he gave me a vacation to my favorite place in the world and then took it away. He gave me this present and I immediately assumed everything was perfect as always. We never fought, we understood each other, etc. 

I am so incredibly angry. I’m angry just thinking about him, hearing his name etc. I look back and I realize the entire relationship only seemed so great because of things I did for him. I can’t think of a time he did anything for me - he never included me in his plans, he hid me from his family and friends for 2 years, he never planned dates, he was so immature, he criticized everything I did (literally - I would make breakfast, lunch, and dinner and instead of saying "thank you" he would tell me what was wrong with it, and then not help me clean up the mess), prioritized literally everything and everyone over me and I just let it happen.

I am so angry because I did anything and everything for someone who took me for granted and I loved him so much I didn’t even realize it at the time. He left me to see if he could find something better, but still hangs out with the same 1 person that he hates every weekend to get incredibly drunk because he doesn’t have any other friends that will go out with him (he’s 30). I hate seeing him out to dinner and drinks with people because for years I begged him to plan something like that with me and he never did. I was never a priority and it just makes me upset to think about how I  let myself be treated  that way. I went above and beyond to compensate for the fact that I only received the absolute bare minimum(if even that) in return.

Looking back - there were a lot of red flags. His constant state of insecurity, his inability to make any type of decision, his constant need to replace and upgrade everything around him in hopes it improves him as a person, the fact that he hid me from his friends and family, etc. He had the classic grass is greener mindset and according to one of this close friends, he has had this mindset forever.

I knew all along that if this relationship was ending, this would be the reason why. He was always looking for something better whether it’s friends, clothes, where he lives, what he’s eating, etc. I knew this was going to happen to me.

I am so angry and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I hate seeing him having a good time and I’m sitting her angry, upset, and feeling lost/not good enough. I'm having such a difficult time moving on, I don't know if its an ego thing or what. 

[Pumpernickel]

It probably is an ego thing, and that’s completely normal. Give it some time. This relationship wasn’t something you were happy with, if I understand correctly. He wasn’t a good partner, hiding you & criticizing you and all. It sounds like he kept you around until he could find something “better”, whatever that means. For him, the way you describe him, even something or someone new and better will soon wear off. I know it sounds cliché, but good riddance. You would’ve never been 100% comfortable in this relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Be easy on yourself. You're angry at yourself for wasting time on a loser like this, but at 25 you really dodged a bullet. 

Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

All you can do is close this bad chapter and move forward in peace much more enlightened about red flags.

Talk to trusted friends and family for support. Get very busy with your own life. Your own place your own pursuits. Join some clubs and groups. Take some classes and courses. Get a side hustle. Get involved in sports and fitness.  Volunteer.

Get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start messaging and meeting decent men for a low-key coffee.

 Be very careful about red flags (drinking, being a secret, not exclusive, etc.) also be very careful not be a doormat to try to be loved. Self respect is much more important.

[gogators_15]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Be easy on yourself. You're angry at yourself for wasting time on a loser like this, but at 25 you really dodged a bullet. 

Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

All you can do is close this bad chapter and move forward in peace much more enlightened about red flags.

Talk to trusted friends and family for support. Get very busy with your own life. Your own place your own pursuits. Join some clubs and groups. Take some classes and courses. Get a side hustle. Get involved in sports and fitness.  Volunteer.

Get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start messaging and meeting decent men for a low-key coffee.

 Be very careful about red flags (drinking, being a secret, not exclusive, etc.) also be very careful not be a doormat to try to be loved. Self respect is much more important.

Thank you I do really appreciate this - I have been doing most, if not all of those suggestions and it's been helping. I just look back and get embarrassed I allowed myself to be a "doormat" for someone because I would never typically. 

[Nothanks]

I think your anger stems from a lot of things… you feel duped, you feel rejected, you feel jealous of him and taken advantage of.  You probably feel most angry at yourself for ignoring his faults or accepting less than you feel you deserved. All normal reactions.  His reason for breaking up is the classic “it’s me not you”.  Makes him feel less of a jerk and you are left trying to figure out what the heck it means.  Don’t waste time trying to figure it out because you won’t find a satisfactory answer and it doesn’t matter anyway. All you need to know is it is over.  You are taking that as a reflection on you.  Don’t. People don’t fit for many reasons so don’t internalize his decision. Accept it didn’t work out and have the self confidence to know who you are and your own worth.  As for jealousy over how he is living his life, he is not your concern anymore.  If you cross paths or find yourself thinking about him, just repeat in your mind “he is not my concern anymore” and soon you will believe it enough that the thoughts will stop.  You provided a list of things you didn’t like about him so be glad to be rid of him.  Leave him in the past, learn from it and move on with your life.  

[Alpacalia]

That sounds awful.

This isn't your fault. You have given your all with good intentions, but it has not been returned.

You were saved because you were not a robot for someone.

[kendahke]

On 10/17/2021 at 9:54 AM, gogators_15 said:

I'm having such a difficult time moving on

Right now, you're supposed to be angry. Shock has worn off and anger comes to the fore. It's there to do its job, and then it will dissipate and move on and let the next stage of grief come in and do its job.

The fastest way to get through it is to go through it, not around it. The longer you avoid it or try to distract yourself, the longer it will wait to come land on your head--when you can least afford for it to show up--and finish its job.  Sit with the feelings; write them out; scream and cry--and I mean ugly cry--because you need to water the parched soul that his actions have desiccated.  Let the stages of grief do their job and go.  It takes however long it takes, so go easy on yourself and don't judge yourself for not being where you think you should be.

Reread you post, too---from what you've written, it wasn't really that great of a relationship if he would never take you out, but can find his way out with someone he professed to hate.  Be honest with yourself about where you were covering for his lack of consideration. He's a grown man, not a boy... don't treat his memory with kid gloves. That won't serve you.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

I'm sorry you've experienced this.  

You're just seeing the relationship for what it actually was rather than what you hoped/wanted it to be; coming to acceptance of it.  The good news is your anger is normal and is a part of the grieving process.  Usually we're in shock and quite depressed in the beginning.  We want more than anything to be back with the person who broke up with us, to relieve that pain.  But as time goes on, we realize, they're not coming back.  The hope and the denial starts to chip away and all that's left is reality.  It's painful so it pisses you off because there's nothing you can do about it now.  You feel helpless and irritated that you were put in this position by something you couldn't control.   That's where you're at now.  All you have to do, is let this be.  Grief is a process and it will work itself out and you will notice the days improving.  Continue to monitor how you feel.  Maybe express it all in a journal and remind yourself of 2 things you are grateful in your life.  Remind yourself of your goals, your passions.  Ask yourself..how can you can build your life into something you want? 

A very underrated technique to getting over heartbreak is to returning your focus to yourself.  

If you keep your mind open and allow yourself to feel and experience this without running away from it..you will likely realize, this a**hat actually taught you some valuable lessons about yourself and about life and you're going to come out of this a much more mature person.  Nothing is ever a waste even though it certainly feels like it in the beginning.

Stay strong

Beach

 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry he hurt you.  It's good that you are angry as anger will help you heal faster.  From the way you described your relationship you should have left him a long time ago so he did you a favor by breaking up.  Never make anyone a priority who only sees you as an option.  Don't feel that you wasted all of your time on him because at least he gave you the vacation of your dreams and no one can take that away from you.  That is now checked off your list.