FWB is very unresponsive :

[Kelpy]

So I went through a breakup and after taking some time to myself I decided a FWB is what I needed. We have a lot in common and both agree that we aren't ready for a relationship due to past relationships. He said that we are friends first before anything. I never had a problem with developing romantic feelings but I will admit to attachment issues which I feel I have been putting in check.

At first we used to text daily and meet outside regularly as we go to the same uni and were on campus during summer when there weren't too many people around.

But later on he just became really unresponsive. He'd take days responding to messages even up to a week sometimes. I'd make plans which he would cancel with little or no notice. Sometimes he just disappears in the middle of me making plans.

He tells me he's busy with his job and school work which I understand. But would it be the wrong place for me to want some better communication (for him to initiate conversations, respond in more reasonable time, tell me what's up if he plans to cancel) and just more sex. I feel weird contacting him regarding basic friends stuff at this point because he's not really giving the same energy back making me feel clingy. I feel like he's failing on the friendship part a little and also the benefits part.

Any suggestions?

 

[basil67]

Sounds like he's simply losing interest. 

Don't worry about saying anything to him - just stop contacting him.  The friendship will have been ruined by the FWB, so there's really nothing to salvage.  

[Mrin]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like he's simply losing interest. 

Don't worry about saying anything to him - just stop contacting him.  The friendship will have been ruined by the FWB, so there's really nothing to salvage.  

Agree with all of this. That's just how FWB's go sometimes. 

[ExpatInItaly]

He's lost interest in being FWB, essentially. 

I would stop contacting him. It's run its course. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Kelpy said:

  I feel like he's failing on the friendship part a little and also the benefits part.

Cut him off. You seem to want a BF/dating situation and he's pushing it back to random hookups.

FWB is the worst thing you can do after a breakup. It's a nebulous situationship that just leads to headaches and heartaches as well as confusion and misunderstandings like this.

Take some time off. Date when you are ready for definable and mutual interest.

[elaine567]

Take the hint.
He does not want to continue with this benefit arrangement with you.
It doesn't sound like he wants to be close friends with you any longer either...
He is avoiding you.
Stop contacting him, leave him alone.

As Basil said the friendship will have been ruined by the FWB.
It is always the risk you take when you convert friends to partners/ lovers/FWB.
When that  eventually ends like "relationships" tend to do, the friendship often cannot then continue as all is then different. 

[ASG]

While I have successfully maintained friendships with former FWBs, the ones where that happened never blew me off and took weeks to reply!

We just stopped meeting up for sex, and instead would meet up in public, usually with other friends as well.

He seems to have lost interest. I'd even go as far as say that he has, perhaps, met someone. Personally, I'd confront him, in a nice "it seems you're no longer interested in our FWB, but if you want to catch up for a coffee at some point, let me know" way, because I'm a person who needs that kind of closure, but if you're not, just let it go. 

[glows]

What do you mean "attachment issues"? What is this?

He seems uninterested in the current agreement. I don't think you need to talk about it. Just move on. 

 

[Kelpy]

56 minutes ago, glows said:

What do you mean "attachment issues"? What is this?

He seems uninterested in the current agreement. I don't think you need to talk about it. Just move on. 

 

In my last relationship, I tended to be really attached to my boyfriend at the time because of social anxiety. Because of this I tended not to put effort into making my own social connections. But I'm now getting therapy for that and i guess i try to keep myself in check. 

I've already put it in my head that it may be over so I was just wondering if I should ask for clear confirmation or if I should just leave it. I haven't sent him a message in over a week now.

[Kelpy]

3 hours ago, ASG said:

While I have successfully maintained friendships with former FWBs, the ones where that happened never blew me off and took weeks to reply!

We just stopped meeting up for sex, and instead would meet up in public, usually with other friends as well.

He seems to have lost interest. I'd even go as far as say that he has, perhaps, met someone. Personally, I'd confront him, in a nice "it seems you're no longer interested in our FWB, but if you want to catch up for a coffee at some point, let me know" way, because I'm a person who needs that kind of closure, but if you're not, just let it go. 

I would like this because I honestly value the friendship more than the sex. But right now he's not doing good on the friendship level so I want to just leave him and the whole thing behind

[stillafool]

I think over the summer he needed you more because there were less people on campus.  It seems your FWB situation is coming to an end because now that school is back in session more people are on campus to meet.  I'm sorry.  This is why being a FWB is not cut out for people who get attached quickly.  I think you want a boyfriend.

[endlesspossiblities]

I would venture to say that THIS ^ is fairly commonplace with a FWB scenario.  

[endlesspossiblities]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

That’s the beauty of a FWB situation. It ends with no drama.

In my experience - I only contacted my FWB when I wanted to see him for sex. He knew that - I spelled it out in the beginning. He responded accordingly. There were times when he would text me as well… when sex was on the agenda.

I called it a sex buddy… seemed more fitting. I didn’t need friends - I needed sex when I wanted it. That’s all.

I suppose that in many ways the above ^ is very akin to a business transaction 

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, endlesspossiblities said:

I suppose that in many ways the above ^ is very akin to a business transaction 

Actually the term "sex buddy" is more fitting for what the situation is.  Calling it "FWB" can be tricky because benefits entail a lot of things like favors, money, dinner, time, etc., where "sex buddy" makes it clear to all parties.  I think more women might decline on that type of situation instead of getting their hopes up and then know it's only about the sex.

Edited October 18, 2021 by stillafool

[glows]

2 hours ago, Kelpy said:

In my last relationship, I tended to be really attached to my boyfriend at the time because of social anxiety. Because of this I tended not to put effort into making my own social connections. But I'm now getting therapy for that and i guess i try to keep myself in check. 

I've already put it in my head that it may be over so I was just wondering if I should ask for clear confirmation or if I should just leave it. I haven't sent him a message in over a week now.

Let him come to you. You've already made attempts to make plans and he falls off the face of the earth. If he wants to talk to you he knows where you are. You can decide whether you are over him and done with the situation then (you may have tired of his antics or just don't find him attractive anymore, not even for pure sex). 

For the time being, this isn't a friendship. He's hardly behaving as a friend so time out and rethink this. It's not what you thought it was. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Kelpy said:

I want to just leave him and the whole thing behind

I think this is best. 

It's fizzled out for him and he may even be talking to someone else now. It was fun while it lasted but it's come to an end. As someone else mentioned, FWB is not a great idea for anyone who gets attached easily, so I would encourage you to really think twice before getting involved in a FWB scenario in the future. It's not for everyone, and that's perfectly okay.  

[Kelpy]

On 10/18/2021 at 8:37 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Cut him off. You seem to want a BF/dating situation and he's pushing it back to random hookups.

FWB is the worst thing you can do after a breakup. It's a nebulous situationship that just leads to headaches and heartaches as well as confusion and misunderstandings like this.

Take some time off. Date when you are ready for definable and mutual interest.

I've just come to terms with this and I think it's just me missing the intimacy and closeness of having a bf. But I'm also not ready for a relationship.

I just wished he could've told me outright that he wants out (a one line text would've been fine). Because one of our terms was that we'll tell eachother about whatever crops up. I don't think I'm asking for much...

[glows]

In any arrangement, even a relationship, leave room for things not going as you have hoped. I think he's disappointing you as a friend and as a lover so leave him alone. There's no need to contact him again or rely on him. Since you do seem attached or disappointed, it's likely best that you stay single for awhile. Meet people and get out there but try not to overextend yourself. You seem too vulnerable and upset still about your previous relationship.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Kelpy said:

I just wished he could've told me outright that he wants out (a one line text would've been fine). Because one of our terms was that we'll tell eachother about whatever crops up. I don't think I'm asking for much...

This is another hazard of a FWB situation, they don't tell you they are on to someone else for a while because they may want to circle back and have sex with you.  I think a FWB situation works more in the mans favor than the womans.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Kelpy said:

I'm also not ready for a relationship.

FWB is a type of relationship, but one where you are experiencing the unpleasant side effects.

It's ok to want to shield yourself from pain after a breakup but this may not be the best way.

[Kelpy]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

FWB is a type of relationship, but one where you are experiencing the unpleasant side effects.

It's ok to want to shield yourself from pain after a breakup but this may not be the best way.

I'm planning on ending things to focus on myself. At the time the fwb started I felt that I was over my ex and was finally finding myself again. But I've recently had contact with my ex which brought me back to square one unfortunately, so I'm just working to get myself back on track

[Kelpy]

Thanks for all the advice! I'll definitely take some of this on-board.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Kelpy said:

 I've recently had contact with my ex which brought me back to square one unfortunately, so I'm just working to get myself back on track

Ok. Excellent.

This is why you need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Move forward, not backwards to exes or sideways to FWB.

[dramafreezone]

The fact that you're bothered by his lack of responsiveness indicates that you're becoming attached.

The entire point is that the arrangement is supposed to be devoid of attachment.  When he's available and you are, then you can spend time together.  When he's not or you're not, you can't.  That's the implied agreement.

Edited October 27, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Kelpy]

14 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

The fact that you're bothered by his lack of responsiveness indicates that you're becoming attached.

The entire point is that the arrangement is supposed to be devoid of attachment.  When he's available and you are, then you can spend time together.  When he's not or you're not, you can't.  That's the implied agreement.

Maybe. I think we just labelled the relationship wrong. We labelled it as FWB as in we are friends (not just f**k buddies) who also have sex and so I've been thinking about this in a way I would any other friend, but he's acting like we're f**k buddies. I just want clearer communication to be honest because that's what I would expect from any other friend. He doesn't have to give reasons why but we did agree on a set of our own rules, one being we'll let each other what's going on because the default isn't always what you said. 

But anyway he's not acting like a friend and it is what it is and I've just decided to move on from that with what he's given me. I would've liked a clear end but it seems I'm not going to get it.