Plenty of space given. plenty of time given for move out. and yet bread crumbs, or carelessness?

[justinje]

Four weeks ago ex brought up maybe wanted to move out / break up.

I left for a week and gave her space to return to her saying she wanted to move out.

We then lived in the same apartment for 5 days, on the 6th days I left again for 10 days - I figured that was plenty of time for her to move out. I went to see family, friends, etc. I knew she was planning on moving out that weekend.

While I was gone we talked once on the phone, I told her some of the things I realized that I screwed up, apologized with no exepctations, call went well overall. But she still said that she thought this was what she wanted. We texted a couple other times, just logistics.

I fly home this morning.....as I'm waiting on the plane she asks when I land saying she was grabbing the last of her stuff and was going to leave the key. I tell her when I land and she tells me she's leaving the extra key at a friends place

I come home.......which was tough......apartment missing any hint of her......except for the 12 items she left behind 0_o. Not like little things either, like an antique from her grandma, a photo album of her nephews, cooking dishes, tool kits, decorations, etc.

So......I text her then call her, she says oh I forgot that.....then I ask how she wants to handle it, she states she no longer has a key. So I offer, "well I can be here and get it to you." We decide on later this week. Then I second guess this....I text her after saying I can get it to her without us having to meet if she preferred that. She says that she isn't trying to avoid me or anything, but that if I felt that way she'd understand.

So now I'm left with a dilemma.........she left me......she texts me this morning asking when I'm gonna be home so I assume she's trying to get out not to see me......I gave her 10 full days to move out......but now there's a ton of stuff left over. Blatant stuff.

So either she really did just forget all this, or this was a subconscious or conscious move. If this was a mistake and she has no interest then I want to drop it at a mutual friends, let her pick it up there and then just call it a day. If this is a sign she wants to meet and talk some, then I'm open to it.

Man I hate this break-up stuff...........advice appreciated.

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Pack it up and either give it to a friend or put it on the doorstep and leave when she is supposed to get it. Sorry for the pain of the breakup but you’d be crazy to give it another go, in the unlikely event she had second d thoughts.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, justinje said:

While I was gone we talked once on the phone, I told her some of the things I realized that I screwed up, apologized with no exepctations, call went well overall. But she still said that she thought this was what she wanted. We texted a couple other times, just logistics.

She could have been trying to get as many of her belongings as she could without having to see you in order to avoid discussing the end of the relationship.

Leaving anything meaningful, on the other hand, could be because she wants a reason to contact you again.

That is not to say that is what is going through her mind, but it may help to provide some context.

Can you inform her she has a certain amount of time to get her items into private storage or out of your home? If not, leave her items in a neutral spot for her to collect at her leisure and without having to interact with each other.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, justinje said:

 I hate this break-up stuff....

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

How long have you lived together?  Was there a lease? 

The breakup sounds quite disorganised rather than "breadcrumbs". It seems sudden and explosive, why is that?

Way too many lose ends. Make sure you sever all accounts financial ties and her mail is forwarded.

It seems you didn't want the breakup and are hoping it's just a bad fight? 

Best thing to do is get in robot mode. Stick with untangling the messy living together thing. Keep communication strictly about getting her stuff out and severing ties.

Skip pondering emotional meanings behind the chaotic move out. It will make the breakup suck more. The time to have fixed this was long ago, not now.

 

[justinje]

On 10/18/2021 at 3:58 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

How long have you lived together?  Was there a lease? 

The breakup sounds quite disorganised rather than "breadcrumbs". It seems sudden and explosive, why is that?

Way too many lose ends. Make sure you sever all accounts financial ties and her mail is forwarded.

It seems you didn't want the breakup and are hoping it's just a bad fight? 

Best thing to do is get in robot mode. Stick with untangling the messy living together thing. Keep communication strictly about getting her stuff out and severing ties.

Skip pondering emotional meanings behind the chaotic move out. It will make the breakup suck more. The time to have fixed this was long ago, not now.

 

So we were together for 2.5 years, living together the last 1.5 years. There is a lease with only me on it by design, so I have the lease until Feb.

The reason was unclear.....pretty much we had a bad fight two weeks before the breakup. It was dumb and handled poorly on my part which I've stated to her along with a lot of apologies. We made up, everything seemed like normal then two weeks later she said that that fight was on her mind still and she just thought maybe we should go out separate ways.

She asked for space and time so I left town for a week to give her that. Came back and she said she decided to sign a lease a move out. There was crying hugging, apologies, statements of caring for each other but in the end it's what she said she thought was best.

We co-habitated for 5 or 6 days until I left again for 10 days. Those 5 or 6 days were hard, hard to see her and not feel extreme sadness. 

There was some attempts by me to push back and say we can work this out that it's still a good thing. But after three days I started to get the picture and just tried to avoid akward situations. 

I don't want the break-up. We've had a few very open conversations where we were finally expressing things we should have long ago. I feel this is fixable. But I also understand the situation I'm in. I want to do the thing that leaves the door open for her to come back........I don't want to shut that. 

[flitzanu]

overthinking.  she doesn't need to leave breadcrumbs to be able to see you.  she knows how to call you, and she literally knows where you live.  if she wanted to "see you" to try and reconcile she has plenty of ways to do so.  

box up her things and mail them, give them to a mutual friend, etc.

boxing them up and leaving them outside is too easy to try to see or talk to her.  this is a business transaction now.  she chose to leave, let her know what it is like that you're not available.