Natalie50208 Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 I started talking to a guy June of 2020; neither of us were in a place to commit (my husband wanted open our marriage and I wanted to not be the focus of his attention so went with it; he and his wife were separated) so we became FWBs. Chatting often and occasionally getting together. November they decided to give it a go again so we cut the physical aspect. March, life happened and I left my husband and he and his wife separated again - mutually exclusive events. We have a lot in common; likes/dislikes, personalities, how we look at life etc. we started seeing each other more often in May of this year and then he moved in with me in July. My problem is that his wife/ex knows about me but assumes I’m a side chick. He doesn’t correct her and dodges any opportunity to speak up. If we’re out; he’ll get her to not blow up his phone by telling her he’s working or something. She assumes he’s living with a battle buddy. I’ve asked to be introduced; not to know her but because I want to meet his kids and be able to invite him/them to do things with me and mine and I feel it’s more respectful for me to meet her first. I took my kids to a park this weekend and was beside myself because I didn’t have the option of inviting him and his - even if they had other plans I’d be ok with that because the option would exist. Every time he says they’ll talk they don’t; they only talk about the path forward if she brings it up. (I can’t help but think of him as a coward because of this). And even then they scratch the surface then abandon ship. I’ve mentioned a short term disappointment is better than a long term let down. I’ve expressed to him many times how I am not comfortable with our situation. He apologies and says he needs time; he doesn’t want to upset her. The control freak, problem solver in me wants to reach out to her myself. But I know that’s not the answer and isn’t addressing the root issue. So I have 2 options: continue to try and take it day by day and try to accept something that doesn’t bring me peace of mind OR ask him yo move out and try to move forward. I know I’ll miss him, but I’m beginning to think that it’s the only way I’m going to begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel and get the peace of mind that I’ve been seeking for many, many years. Has anyone been in a similar boat? Do I need to give it more time? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 (edited) Yes you need to give it more time. He isn't going to rush his exwife to meet you or have their kids involved with you. First she would have to get used to the fact that you are his new gf and then his kids will have to get used to the same. He can't just force his kids to interact with a woman they don't know who is (in their eyes) taking their mom's place. It wouldn't be what is best for them at this point. Ask yourself if this is really about meeting his kids or more that you want his ex to know that he is now with you? If he has left his wife and planning to file for divorce or are in the process, I can't see any reason why he is keeping you a secret. Unless, he is straddling the fence and probably going to return to her and his kids. Edited October 18, 2021 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 2 hours ago, Natalie50208 said: If we’re out; he’ll get her to not blow up his phone by telling her he’s working or something. She assumes he’s living with a battle buddy. It seems imbalanced, no? Stop letting him camp out at your home. She's not "assuming" anything. These are the lies he tells her. Keep in mind he lies to you as well. Free yourself from this frustrating situationship and free yourself to find honest decent single available men. Link to post Share on other sites
endlesspossiblities Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 It seems like HE is has what he wants on BOTH ends....having his cake and eating too. He is sketchy and it seems that you DO NOT have the total scope of his relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 Focus on your own divorce and nevermind about this man. You mentioned you separated from your husband only. And he has only separated from his wife. Both of you are in gray area territory where chapters are not fully closed and you are worrying too much about nitty gritty details when the big ones aren't resolved. Whether he follows suit or divorces or not with his wife is up to him but you need to clarify your situation first. Once you are free of your previous marriage it's unlikely you'll entertain situations like this. Link to post Share on other sites
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