Blindsided by breakup after 15 years

[rosemary]

My partner and I were together happily for 15 years. We have loved each very much, owned homes together, and even lived in an RV together for the last 3 years and travelled the country. A month ago he completely blindsided me and said he wanted to be alone. At the time, he said he was just unhappy with himself (not us or me) and that he was going to get therapy to try and figure it out. I know that sounds very cliché, but you really do know a person after 15 years and I do believe him. He has since been getting therapy and says he feels like he was avoiding all conflict while we were together and gave up part of his identity to do this. This is so hard to understand because he has a big personality and was always the leader of our adventures while I took the back seat. He is continuing to get therapy (as am I) but I don't feel like we have hope to save this. He is still being very nice to me. We always got along so well and we really do want the best for each other. I have not been doing well. I have lost 25 pounds because I can't eat, I am just so sad, and I don't know how to restart my life. I am almost 40 and I thought I had everything I wanted. I did have everything I wanted until it suddenly disappeared. It is hard to understand how you can invest so much of your life with someone and it can just be wiped away. 

I guess what I am struggling with the most is how do you move on from a happy relationship that ended suddenly? I have had time to reflect and I know I should be mad at him and so angry at this point, but through my own pain I do want him to be happy, even if that is without me and the hardest thing I have ever done. 

I know this is a unique situation, but does anyone have any suggestions to help this transition easier? I don't want to let him go, but I know one way or another I have to focus on myself right now. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I feel you pain.  I ended a 15 year relationship about 2.5 years ago.  Same thing.  Had a good life so I thought. Got along and both had freedom to do what we wanted. Both worked good jobs everything was comfortable.  Then he just pulled the rug right under me.  Made me fall on my face oh it hurt.

‘The pain is unbearable at first due to the shock and yes it will take you a long time to heal.  But heal you will!  Time is the only medicine.

The hard truth is they don’t leave you unless they want to be with someone else.  Whether that someone else exists yet or not it does not matter.  If he wanted to be with you, he would have worked on his issues while staying together.  He says these thing so he won’t hurt you as he still cares for you and feels guilty for breaking up.  But he wants to be with someone else that is why he broke up.  You have to keep that in the front of your mind in order to get over the heartbreak.  Mine only admitted after I showed anger and pushed him on it.  
 

The other thing that got me angry was the rug pulling situation.  Instead of communicating with me his unhappiness or issues, he pretended to be happy, that everything was perfect until he pulled the rug.  He even sent me flowers professing his love for me 2 days before bu day.  So yes eventually I was able to be angry at him for misleading me and straight out lying to me.  
 

You are doing great by focusing on yourself. And working on yourself.  The truth is it is his loss!  He is a fool.  I know you are a treasure like me and the next guy will treasure you and be even better for you.  It does get better.

[glows]

Are you living together now? Who owns the current home or is it an RV? Figure out the practical matters first and sort out separating. Once you're separated things will be clearer and become easier with time. Don't worry about happy right now. It is unrealistic to want anyone to be happy and it sounds like he has been struggling for awhile. What he needs to do for himself is his business from now on so try not to overextend yourself. All you can do is focus on yourself and start making some changes. 

[kendahke]

I've been down this road, too. 13 year relationship ended right after I'd turned 50. Was completely blindsided by it.

This is a day by day thing... you can't live in the future your imagination is constructing.

10 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

The hard truth is they don’t leave you unless they want to be with someone else.

yup... this is exactly what happened to me. She made more money than me and he wanted that kind of woman on his arm (mind you, I make good money, so it's not like I was destitute and leaning on him.. quite frankly, it was the other way around a lot of times). He felt she could help him with his business ventures far more than I could... meaning: I wouldn't empty out my retirement account to invest in his business.

I would strongly suggest that you find a therapist to help you work your way out of this emotional minefield. This isn't a quick, dusted and done kind of situation. You've got layers of this you have to peel off. Peace does come and it comes quicker if you're working with a good therapist. The kind of therapy I'm talking about isn't couple's therapy--you need clarity about you and your feelings first and foremost. It's time for you to be selfish.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

5 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Peace does come and it comes quicker if you're working with a good therapist. The kind of therapy I'm talking about isn't couple's therapy--you need clarity about you and your feelings first and foremost. It's time for you to be selfish.

Absolutely!  Therapy was a major part of my recovery/personal growth journey.

 

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

 So yes eventually I was able to be angry at him for misleading me and straight out lying to me.  

When you reach the "anger stage" you are able to see things clearly and move on has been my experience.  I agree that pretty much sudden breakups reek of someone waiting in the wings.  It never fails.

[Nothanks]

Does he really want to be alone or just act single while he has you on a string hoping for more?  Did you get the “can we still be friends” line?

Friends aren’t that cruel.  He blindsided you. Don’t let him continue to use you to feel better about what he has done by keeping in touch and having friendly conversations. Best way to get over it is to go “no contact” so you can have some space to detach. When you start to miss him, think about those flowers and how he changed on a dime. And then recognize that you deserve better. 
 

His revelations through therapy are designed to make him feel better about what he has done (he gave up his identity….please). That kind of word salad will drive you crazy trying to unravel and figure out what went wrong.  Don’t do that. It isn’t about anything you did or didn’t do.  This is all on him. Don’t try to make him feel better about himself because what he did to you was pretty messed up.

 

FWIW, I also think it sounds like there is someone else or he wants there to be someone else.  His behaviour smacks of a typical cheater’s discard. 

[elaine567]

Older men rarely leave without there being someone else in their life they would rather be with.
Forget about "understanding" him and wanting him to be happy.
Don't worry, he will be.
If he isn't and it doesn't work out, he will be  back at your door again...
He has just dumped on you from a great height. 
He doesn't deserve your concern.

I guess his other woman (or man) will make an appearance as soon as he thinks it is safe to bring them out into the open...

[rosemary]

14 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I feel you pain.  I ended a 15 year relationship about 2.5 years ago.  Same thing.  Had a good life so I thought. Got along and both had freedom to do what we wanted. Both worked good jobs everything was comfortable.  Then he just pulled the rug right under me.  Made me fall on my face oh it hurt.

‘The pain is unbearable at first due to the shock and yes it will take you a long time to heal.  But heal you will!  Time is the only medicine.

The hard truth is they don’t leave you unless they want to be with someone else.  Whether that someone else exists yet or not it does not matter.  If he wanted to be with you, he would have worked on his issues while staying together.  He says these thing so he won’t hurt you as he still cares for you and feels guilty for breaking up.  But he wants to be with someone else that is why he broke up.  You have to keep that in the front of your mind in order to get over the heartbreak.  Mine only admitted after I showed anger and pushed him on it.  
 

The other thing that got me angry was the rug pulling situation.  Instead of communicating with me his unhappiness or issues, he pretended to be happy, that everything was perfect until he pulled the rug.  He even sent me flowers professing his love for me 2 days before bu day.  So yes eventually I was able to be angry at him for misleading me and straight out lying to me.  
 

You are doing great by focusing on yourself. And working on yourself.  The truth is it is his loss!  He is a fool.  I know you are a treasure like me and the next guy will treasure you and be even better for you.  It does get better.

He has explicitly said there is noone else and I do believe him. Now maybe a someone else in the future could be very real. I am angry at the rug pulling. The days leading up to this were so normal it makes me sick. I don't know how he looked at me and treated me 100% normal knowing he was going to break my heart like this.  

[rosemary]

14 hours ago, glows said:

Are you living together now? Who owns the current home or is it an RV? Figure out the practical matters first and sort out separating. Once you're separated things will be clearer and become easier with time. Don't worry about happy right now. It is unrealistic to want anyone to be happy and it sounds like he has been struggling for awhile. What he needs to do for himself is his business from now on so try not to overextend yourself. All you can do is focus on yourself and start making some changes. 

We are not living together. He left me at my sister's house. He has the RV and vehicle, but we both own them and he is working on selling them and we will split proceeds. I actually sent him an email last week saying we had to start moving on splitting this stuff and gave him a date when the RV needs to be listed.  I am definitely trying to work on myself (when I have the energy for it). I have a felt a big shift in the last week of hoping he will come back to believing he is really gone, which has created a whole new level of grief. 

[rosemary]

14 hours ago, kendahke said:

I would strongly suggest that you find a therapist to help you work your way out of this emotional minefield. This isn't a quick, dusted and done kind of situation. You've got layers of this you have to peel off. Peace does come and it comes quicker if you're working with a good therapist. The kind of therapy I'm talking about isn't couple's therapy--you need clarity about you and your feelings first and foremost. It's time for you to be selfish.

I have been seeing my therapist and she is good. I know it is helping, but everything seems like a drop in the bucket right now. I will continue to see her. Last night, she actually really got on me about being angry and gave me the assignment of all the bad things he is doing right now - to stop putting a positive spin on them like I have been doing. 

[rosemary]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

Why not let him see what life is like when you completely exit the relationship?

take your power back. You’ve handed him too much of your power.

re balance, regroup and re direct that energy and focus on what serves you best.

This is my goal! I have focused so much of my energy on him and his transition, but I am really trying to focus on myself and my own self care. 

It has been hard, because I do still love him. It is hard to just turn of love after this amount of time, but again, maybe that is where the anger is going to help me. 

[elaine567]

How old is he?

[rosemary]

7 hours ago, Nothanks said:

Does he really want to be alone or just act single while he has you on a string hoping for more?  Did you get the “can we still be friends” line?

Friends aren’t that cruel.  He blindsided you. Don’t let him continue to use you to feel better about what he has done by keeping in touch and having friendly conversations. Best way to get over it is to go “no contact” so you can have some space to detach. When you start to miss him, think about those flowers and how he changed on a dime. And then recognize that you deserve better. 
 

His revelations through therapy are designed to make him feel better about what he has done (he gave up his identity….please). That kind of word salad will drive you crazy trying to unravel and figure out what went wrong.  Don’t do that. It isn’t about anything you did or didn’t do.  This is all on him. Don’t try to make him feel better about himself because what he did to you was pretty messed up.

 

FWIW, I also think it sounds like there is someone else or he wants there to be someone else.  His behaviour smacks of a typical cheater’s discard. 

He isn't trying to push being friends, but he is saying he will always love me and he has my best interest in mind. 

I am really working on No Contact and I am worse than him. That is part of the reason I found this group. When I really want to send him a message it can distract me until the urge passes. 

I agree on the identity thing and I don't necessarily agree with what he is finding in his therapy. If he wanted to be with me, he would have worked with me to figure this out. 

I don't think there is another woman right now. I could be being extremely naïve. That isn't to say that I don't think he wants to have wild nights out without me to do what he wants. We have been together since our mid twenties so I think he probably does want to live it up single, but who knows. It doesn't really help my situation to imagine those scenarios at this point. 

[rosemary]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

How old is he?

He just turned 41. 

[glows]

You both don't live together so you have the space and peace at least not to be in each others' way while you process this. Lean on the support of friends and family. You're in shock and I think it's too soon for anger. Keep focusing on yourself, not on his wellbeing any longer. It's best to tie up loose ends sooner rather than later.

[Nothanks]

11 hours ago, rosemary said:

He isn't trying to push being friends, but he is saying he will always love me and he has my best interest in mind. 

His words do not match his actions.  

11 hours ago, rosemary said:

I am really working on No Contact and I am worse than him. That is part of the reason I found this group. When I really want to send him a message it can distract me until the urge passes. 

You are on the right track.  Please do anything BUT contact him. When the urge hits, remember that any contact him will just result in more pain.  Refocus on anything else. Work out, read a book, focus on whatever makes you happy. Easy concept but so hard to do. The person you are looking to for comfort is the one causing you pain.  
 

11 hours ago, rosemary said:

I agree on the identity thing and I don't necessarily agree with what he is finding in his therapy. If he wanted to be with me, he would have worked with me to figure this out. 

He should have been upfront and honest and communicated his feelings when he was unhappy and not let it build and blindsided you. I think his revelations in therapy are a cover to excuse his inexcusable behaviour.  
 

11 hours ago, rosemary said:

It doesn't really help my situation to imagine those scenarios at this point. 

Ok don’t dwell on it then.  I felt it was worth mentioning it so you can avoid getting blindsided again.  
 

Hard NC is your best bet.  Get some distance and your feet under you again. Take it easy on yourself and remember you deserve better. 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, rosemary said:

We are not living together. He left me at my sister's house. He has the RV and vehicle, but we both own them .

Get him to pay you for it asap. Don't let him use the 'waiting for a buyer' excuse.

He owes you money. You're not a bank. He'll need to take out a loan to pay you. If he totals the thing and can't sell it you're on your own.

Otherwise report him for stolen property. He can't just drive off with something you co-own and say "seeya later pay you when I feel like it."

Focus soley on your stolen property and being reimbursed for your investment. The onus is on him to find the funds to buy you out. The onus is not on you to wait around for a buyer at his leisure.

Was he always kind of shady? What type of professional/funds did he have that allowed him to be homeless and roam around for three years?

That in itself is kind of weird, no? If he can afford to be a vagabond for years at a time, he can afford to pay you for the vehicles.

Focus on the facts. Get something to him in writing by certified mail insisting on reimbursement immediately and not on the contingency of if and when he feels like selling it. Suggest he take out a loan.

Also if you are on the title, talk to your bank.

Edited October 20, 2021 by Wiseman2

[rosemary]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get him to pay you for it asap. Don't let him use the 'waiting for a buyer' excuse.

He owes you money. You're not a bank. He'll need to take out a loan to pay you. If he totals the thing and can't sell it you're on your own.

Otherwise report him for stolen property. He can't just drive off with something you co-own and say "seeya later pay you when I feel like it."

Focus soley on your stolen property and being reimbursed for your investment. The onus is on him to find the funds to buy you out. The onus is not on you to wait around for a buyer at his leisure.

Was he always kind of shady? What type of professional/funds did he have that allowed him to be homeless and roam around for three years?

That in itself is kind of weird, no? If he can afford to be a vagabond for years at a time, he can afford to pay you for the vehicles.

Focus on the facts. Get something to him in writing by certified mail insisting on reimbursement immediately and not on the contingency of if and when he feels like selling it. Suggest he take out a loan.

Also if you are on the title, talk to your bank.

We are working together on the sale and I am on the title and I have initiated splitting all of our assets. So far that is going well without drama, so I will continue to work on that with him.  

He really isn't shady. I worked full time on the road and he did solar installs. There are tons of working age rvers who live this lifestyle. I may go back to it when I get my feet under me. 

[rosemary]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

What was his transition you refer to?

Transition was probably the wrong word. Transition away from our life together. 

[rosemary]

8 minutes ago, S2B said:

So stop looking back… that relationship didn’t work. It’s time to look forward and build a new life for yourself.

Thank you. I am trying to do this, but it is easier said than done. ☹️ I am hoping therapy, a good support system, and advice from people who have been through it will help.