GF sent flirty/sexual messages to guy at work, am I overreacting?

[PotatoHead]

Hi everyone, just signed up here because I'm struggling dealing with this on my own.  I'll try to keep it short but I feel like some of the back story is important to know.

My girlfriend and I had an unconventional relationship for a long time.  We were both married when we met online, and long distance on top of that.  But after talking nonstop for months we realized we had an incredible connection, and how unhappy we were with our marriages.  We fell in love and ended up leaving our spouses so we could be together.  We both had agreed that we were basically soul mates and still do to this day, it's been almost 2 years now.   We were perfect for each other, or at least I thought we were.

We were committed to doing whatever we had to do to spend our lives together, and since I had the potential to relocate with my career started working on a plan to move my family to where she lives.  It took about six months to pull off and I went through absolute hell, but earlier this year we finally settled into our new location.  Everything had come together so we could be happy and start living our new life at last.  We picked out the house that I bought and basically did everything together, but I had to limit our time together after the move since we both have kids.  We wanted to take things slow for them.

It was hard at first, I didn't want to take my kids away from their mom so she moved with us and lived at my house until she could get her own place.  It took a couple of months.  This put a lot of stress on mine and my gf's relationship, but we pushed through it and were happy when we did get time together.  There was a light at the end of the tunnel, and once my ex had moved into her own place we are able to spend almost every night together and were starting to introduce the kids some.  It was everything we had be working towards for the past year and a half.

The problem started when I noticed that she was hiding small things from me, nothing major but things that she knew might upset me.  I had trusted her completely before then.  For example I found out she had started smoking again when I saw an empty pack in the trash.  When I confronted her it was still hard for me to get the full truth.  This made me suspect her of hiding other things.

Backing up to a few months before I moved.  After she left her ex she started working nights at a factory so she could get her own place.  She works with 90% men, but she was always open with me about the ongoings at work and told me anytime she was hit on etc.  She had always shut it down.  Overall things were going well there and she kept to herself, only talked to a few of the guys on occasion.  Her and I always communicated openly about the people she worked with.

However, after finding that she had hid some things, I developed trust issues which also stemmed from me having unfaithful partners in the past.  I went to my old ways and snooped on her phone, where I found that she had messaged a couple of the guys from work.  They looked pretty harmless, until I scrolled up the conversation with a guy she had said was a friend at work, and saw a couple of flirty and borderline sexting messages.  These had happened a month or so before I found them, when we were going through our difficult times right after I moved.

I could tell based on the context that this wasn't the first time they had flirted.  I confronted her with it and she was extremely remorseful.  She admitted to a couple of times previously that they had messages of this nature.  She claimed she was at a really low point, depressed, worried about my ex living at my house.  That he caught her off guard by pretending to be her friend first and then catching her at a really bad time.  She claims she never had any intention of acting on it and was never attracted to him.  That when he asked to act on things she would come up with an excuse and shut it down.   And finally when he tried flirting in person at work, she told him they couldn't talk like that anymore and it was a mistake, so they stopped after that.  This happened before I ever found out about it.

She still says she doesn't know why she did it, maybe just for esteem or not wanting to lose the friendship.  I always worry that there was more to it and she really did have desires for him, but I don't understand why she would entertain it when she always said we were perfect and after everything we went through to be together.  Am I overreacting and maybe she was just doing it for some harmless fun?

We struggle with it to this day and it happened 6 months ago.  I want to be able to move on and still have a future together, and she does too.  Says she will do anything she can to be with me.  She even offered to quit working there, but he is on a different shift now and they don't talk anymore.  She has offered me full access to her phone, she doesn't get on messenger anymore and says she doesn't talk to guys at work at all anymore, that there will be boundaries in place.  That she will come to me if she ever gets depressed again.

I still worry that there is a pattern of hiding things from me, and of cheating since she did on her ex, and now this with me.  I worry that once I let my defenses down, it is only a matter of time until it happens again.   Any advice at all on how to forgive, move on, rebuild trust would be greatly appreciated.

[vla1120]

I'll try to be gentle. I am always astounded when a couple comes together by cheating on their spouses, and then one of them is taken aback when when the other one ends up cheating on them. I honestly don't know how you forgive, move on and rebuild trust, but you split up your family and moved them far away from the life they knew (and I am surprised your ex-wife came along without too much of a struggle. She's either a saint, or maybe hopes to win you back, I'm not sure.) Therefore, I feel like you do need to suck it up and figure out how to make this work. 

[PotatoHead]

9 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I'll try to be gentle. I am always astounded when a couple comes together by cheating on their spouses, and then one of them is taken aback when when the other one ends up cheating on them. I honestly don't know how you forgive, move on and rebuild trust, but you split up your family and moved them far away from the life they knew (and I am surprised your ex-wife came along without too much of a struggle. She's either a saint, or maybe hopes to win you back, I'm not sure.) Therefore, I feel like you do need to suck it up and figure out how to make this work. 

Thank you for the response.  You are right, I changed our lives completely so that I could be with this woman and try to achieve happiness.  I understand that maybe I shouldn't have been as surprised that she would cheat or lie with me too, but I thought our circumstances were just different.  That we had found "the one" and were both miserable in our marriages, thus justifying our actions in that instance but I did not expect to be subjected to the same type of treatment as her ex.

[FMW]

It seems she didn't trust you having your ex living with you, regardless of the reasons you did it.  She felt insecure about her place in your life because your (ex)wife was still very much part of your every day life.  She was still technically on the outside, with limited time with you.

I think it's probably very difficult to establish security and trust in a relationship when you know the other person was willing to get involved with you when they were still with someone else.  Regardless of how destined you feel your relationship is, you will have to work extra hard at establishing and keeping that trust. 

It will take some time, especially when the path to where you are at the moment has been rough.

It doesn't excuse her having inappropriate communication with another man, but maybe trying to see it from her point of view will help you to be willing to give things some time, if you want to try to move forward with her. 

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by FMW

[glows]

1 hour ago, PotatoHead said:

Any advice at all on how to forgive, move on, rebuild trust would be greatly appreciated.

These are drastic changes for your family especially your children. Try to refocus now and put your energies into making sure they have adjusted well in school and are doing ok. This relationship, any relationship you choose, will come second. 

Is she still living with her ex? Are they divorced? Are you divorced? Work out those practical matters first. Everything else that you share is at the bottom of the list and unimportant. I don't want to sound harsh but you're caught up in the emotions of it so clear your mind and take care of your family.

[PotatoHead]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

It seems she didn't trust you having your ex living with you, regardless of the reasons you did it.  She felt insecure about her place in your life because your (ex)wife was still very much part of your every day life.  She was still technically on the outside, with limited time with you.

I think it's probably very difficult to establish security and trust in a relationship when you know the other person was willing to get involved with you when they were still with someone else.  Regardless of how destined you feel your relationship is, you will have to work extra hard at establishing and keeping that trust. 

It will take some time, especially when the path to where you are at the moment has been rough.

It doesn't excuse her having inappropriate communication with another man, but maybe trying to see it from her point of view will help you to be willing to give things some time, if you want to try to move forward with her. 

 

Thank you for your input.   I agree that it will take time and I am committed to trying to get through this and make it work.  It has been a bumpy ride trying to establish trust on both our ends.  There was a time when she was still living with her ex too and until recently, several nights a week slept at his apartment because the kids slept there and he had to leave early for work.   But things have been steadily getting better.  I am trying to take it slow and give her a chance to show me that nothing like that will ever happen again, but it's hard not to worry when she works nightly with several male coworkers.

[PotatoHead]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

These are drastic changes for your family especially your children. Try to refocus now and put your energies into making sure they have adjusted well in school and are doing ok. This relationship, any relationship you choose, will come second. 

Is she still living with her ex? Are they divorced? Are you divorced? Work out those practical matters first. Everything else that you share is at the bottom of the list and unimportant. I don't want to sound harsh but you're caught up in the emotions of it so clear your mind and take care of your family.

Thank you.  The kids have been the first priority and making sure they're adjusted.  They are currently in counseling learning how to cope with the changes, and I am trying to work with their mother to have a consistent schedule.  My girlfriend is rarely around the kids because I know they need time to adjust before bringing in someone new.  Things are coming along well as far as the family is concerned, I'm just trying to keep the relationship that I went through all of this for.  We are both divorced and living separately for quite some time now.  We maintain separate residences for our children.

[glows]

12 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

Thank you.  The kids have been the first priority and making sure they're adjusted.  They are currently in counseling learning how to cope with the changes, and I am trying to work with their mother to have a consistent schedule.  My girlfriend is rarely around the kids because I know they need time to adjust before bringing in someone new.  Things are coming along well as far as the family is concerned, I'm just trying to keep the relationship that I went through all of this for.  We are both divorced and living separately for quite some time now.  We maintain separate residences for our children.

Glad to hear things they're in counselling and are a priority. Let things work themselves out with your current partner and give it more time. True colours will come through. You only have to wait for it and protect/take care of your kids. Someone worth their salt will add to your life, not take away from it with needless worries. Do you have an idea of what a partner should look like to you? Adhere to that and don't budge. You deserve that and your kids do too. 

[PotatoHead]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Glad to hear things they're in counselling and are a priority. Let things work themselves out with your current partner and give it more time. True colours will come through. You only have to wait for it and protect/take care of your kids. Someone worth their salt will add to your life, not take away from it with needless worries. Do you have an idea of what a partner should look like to you? Adhere to that and don't budge. You deserve that and your kids do too. 

Thank you.  This is extremely helpful.

[vla1120]

The best thing you can do is make your children your priority. It sounds like it has been a difficult transition for both of you (all of you) , still cohabitating with your exes, but it was in the best interest of your chilren, which trumps everything. Just keep taking everything a day at a time. It is still a little worrisome that she was having inappropriate communications with her male coworkers. You should be enough for her. You ARE enough for her, so I hope she stops the behavior and I hope your relationship is everything you believed it will be. 

[PotatoHead]

8 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

The best thing you can do is make your children your priority. It sounds like it has been a difficult transition for both of you (all of you) , still cohabitating with your exes, but it was in the best interest of your chilren, which trumps everything. Just keep taking everything a day at a time. It is still a little worrisome that she was having inappropriate communications with her male coworkers. You should be enough for her. You ARE enough for her, so I hope she stops the behavior and I hope your relationship is everything you believed it will be. 

I agree and the children are always the priority.  It has been almost 8 months since the move now and things are starting to settle. It has been somewhat difficult trying to maintain focus and keep it together for my family's sake when I occasionally struggle with this relationship, but it is slowly getting better and there are fewer low points.

I want to trust her and believe that it was a one-time mistake, and that there are boundaries in place to prevent it from happening again.  Why those boundaries weren't there to begin with, I'm not entirely sure.  She says she will no longer open up to guys at work and won't even talk to them unless it is necessary as part of the job.  But once in a while my worries creep up that eventually it will happen again and she will just cover her tracks better next time.  It's difficult knowing that almost every guy there has made advances towards her at one point or another, even her boss started opening up about his marital problems to her.  They have a high turnover rate so there are always new characters coming into play.  I worry that eventually someone will catch her eye again.  I know I need to learn to trust her, I just don't know how when she's broken it once already and she's still in the same situation with so much opportunity.

[dramafreezone]

On 10/19/2021 at 9:54 AM, PotatoHead said:

We were both married when we met online

Enough said right here.  I will read more later, but come on, consider how you met.

This is her tendency.  Can you really be upset that she may have a wandering eye considering you're only with her because of that same eye?

You're not overreacting, but what can you do about it?  She may stop for a while, then her tendecy will take over again.

I think I would just divorce, maybe come to an understanding, or just look the other way.  Those are the only options I see.  I don't think you need to "learn to trust her."  What evidence is there that she's worthy of trust?  Trust is earned, not given.

Edited October 21, 2021 by dramafreezone

[PotatoHead]

Fair points.  Neither of us had a “wandering eye” before we met each other.  Neither of us intended for it to turn into anything.  It was the first time either of us considered leaving our spouses or being unfaithful.  So I do not consider it a “tendency” so to speak.  But I guess I wouldn’t know if there are things from her past that she hasn’t told me.  
 

I forgot to mention the worst part though.  After I discovered the messages, she deleted the rest of the conversation history with her coworkers so I never got to see it, although she claims she told me everything else there was.  She says she was so disgusted with herself that she wanted it gone.  But that caused me to struggle with wondering what more there was or if she was trying to hide something.  I do believe her for the most part now but I debated ending the relationship for a long time. 

[PotatoHead]

It’s understandable that because of our beginnings, it’s easy to assume that we are both cheaters by nature and therefore, of course she would cheat again.  I guess I should explain a little better and I know for a fact those are not my tendencies.  If they are hers then that’s something I need to find out. 
 

We both got married quite young, in our early 20’s, to the first person that we lasted more than 6 months with.  Things were okay or we just didn’t know any better, and we both ended up having kids with our spouses.  After that, we felt stuck and like we just had to make the best of it for the kids, despite being unhappy.  We hoped things would get better but they only got worse.  Both of our spouses were narcissistic, manipulative and emotionally abusive. 
 

Her and I met by chance while playing a game online with a group of people.  We were all “friends”, online anyway, for quite some time.  We started talking more and more and after a few months realized that we were dealing with similar marital issues.  Seeing them from the outside made us realize how bad things really were and that we were crazy to stay in our marriages.  During that time we also developed feelings for each other and established a deeper connection.  
 

Before all of this, as far as I’m aware, neither one of us cheated or flirted outside of our marriages of 10 years.  We had such a strong connection, before even knowing what each other looked like.  We would message 24/7 and it never got old.  In fact we still talk all day every day as much as possible, 2 years later.  We truly believed we were meant to be together with how alike we are.  I went through a lot to turn it into a real relationship, we both went through with divorces and changed our lives completely.  She says all the time that she’ll do anything to spend the rest of her life with me and make me happy. 
 

If I’m fooling myself by believing she’s something she’s not, I need to figure that out before I go any further and she becomes a part of my kids lives. Which is why I’ve slowed things down and put a hold on moving in together or any other next steps.  I do believe that she wants to be with me, but if she’s the type of person that this is going to be a recurring issue then I don’t know if she’s the one for me. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Ive slowed things down and put a hold on moving in together or any other next steps.  I don’t know if she’s the one for me. 

Good idea. If you are honest with yourself, you'll see that you divorced because of a failing marriage, not because of her.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds simple (albeit disappointing): she  is doing to you what she once did with you. 

This is who she is. She is not satisfied with one man and seeks inappropriate attention outside the relationship. She has showed you who she is, not once but twice. It's best you start believing it. 

[PotatoHead]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds simple (albeit disappointing): she  is doing to you what she once did with you. 

This is who she is. She is not satisfied with one man and seeks inappropriate attention outside the relationship. She has showed you who she is, not once but twice. It's best you start believing it. 

It's possible that she does, however from what I've seen she was never seeking this attention.  We certainly did not intend or seek each other when we met, nor did we intend to develop feelings or have it turn into more.  As far as the guy at work, I believe her only interest was to have a work acquaintance, at least at first.  He caught her at a low point.  I believe she is truly remorseful and wouldn't let it happen again.  After I found out about it, she was physically sick for a week because she thought I was going to end it.

However I have noticed a tendency for her to hide things from me that she doesn't think I would like, and that does bother me.  She might not blatantly lie, but she will fail to mention.  And it does worry me that she will do it again once all of this has blown over.  But I guess all I can do is wait and see.

[elaine567]

I fear you may be projecting your feelings onto her. You did not intend to seek out an affair, you did not intend to develop feelings, you do not intend to ever cheat again, you are busy making plans for the future with her.                   .
You are not her, so cannot speak for her.
Affairs are exciting and addictive and real life may compare unfavourably.

Whilst you are preparing for normality, stability and security, she may be missing the buzz of the secrecy, the naughtiness, the adventure  of an illicit affair.

Now she is finally free she may be in no mood to shackle herself to another long term relationship... hence the "rebellion" with the co worker.

There is an opinion that states "You should never get involved with separated or newly divorced people as they rarely know what they really want, and it is YOU that will get hurt."

[PotatoHead]

True I cannot speak for her, I can only go by what she tells me.  She was always planning our future together, pushing for me to move closer to her, wanting to move in with me and get married to me.  I've had to slow things down considerably.

I can see how she could have been missing that excitement, although we still have a very active love life and find other ways to keep it exciting.  She always claimed that she hated having to be secretive and just wanted to be public about our relationship.

Again, this is just what she's told me and her actions have aligned for the most part with everything she says.  However if she has other hidden desires or just likes that attention and excitement in general, I guess time will tell.

[vla1120]

21 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I know I need to learn to trust her, I just don't know how when she's broken it once already and she's still in the same situation with so much opportunity.

Nope. It's not on you. SHE needs to learn how to earn your trust. She already betrayed it once, which has left you wondering. Put the onus back on her. 

[notbroken]

It didn't 'just happen' (it seems to 'just happen' with a lot of people - like a bolt of lightning came from the sky.  No - she actively participated and built a relationship with you).  It could definitely 'just happen' again - particularly if she is texting/sexting other guys.  That definitely helps thing 'just happen'.   Believe what she does - not just what she says.    I'm not sure you can and will ever trust her and that is a cornerstone of a relationship.   You have a definite problem.   You can go forward like nothing happened (sunk cost fallacy - look it up if you don't know what that means),  be very cautious going forward (which could cost you solid/deep relationship), or get rid of her (painful for all - but maybe necessary).     All of them have their pluses and minuses.   At the very least, you should tell her the truth - she damaged your relationship and anything like that in the future just won't work for you at all.   

[PotatoHead]

Thanks for the responses.  You are right it's up to her to earn that trust.  As for how I'm feeling about it, some days are better than others.  A big problem is that even after this discovery, she continued to hide other little things from me (nothing to do with flirting or other men).  Stuff she thought was harmless but in reality shows me she is still not 100% honest.

I am being cautious and still unsure of what the future holds.  She has sworn up and down nothing like that will ever happen again, that there will be boundaries to prevent it.  She knows it would be the end of us for sure.  But if it did "just happen" again I am pretty sure she would only try harder to ensure I would never find out about it, because she really does not want to lose me.

[PotatoHead]

I just did some reading on the sunk cost fallacy, and it is enlightening.  Describes a lot of what has probably caused me to continue trying to work through this with her.  Not to say I wouldn't still be happy in my new location, new job etc. even without her, but we've gone through a lot to be together.

I had the same problem in my previous relationship.  Years invested, kids, all pushing me to try to make it work when I was unhappy.  For some reason I always feel bad and like I should just do what I am expected to do.  Try to keep everyone else happy.   But in this new relationship, we already did have a break for a while this summer while I figured things out.  I was even less happy during that break, and worried even more about what she might be doing.  I thought I had it figured out and I took her back, things were great for a while, but then my worrying and questioning everything started up again.

All to say I feel like I should give it more time and keep trying with her.  I fear that if I break it off again, next time she isn't going to come running back.  I may regret that decision.

Edited October 21, 2021 by PotatoHead

[dramafreezone]

11 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

It’s understandable that because of our beginnings, it’s easy to assume that we are both cheaters by nature and therefore, of course she would cheat again.  I guess I should explain a little better and I know for a fact those are not my tendencies.  If they are hers then that’s something I need to find out. 
 

We both got married quite young, in our early 20’s, to the first person that we lasted more than 6 months with.  Things were okay or we just didn’t know any better, and we both ended up having kids with our spouses.  After that, we felt stuck and like we just had to make the best of it for the kids, despite being unhappy.  We hoped things would get better but they only got worse.  Both of our spouses were narcissistic, manipulative and emotionally abusive. 
 

Her and I met by chance while playing a game online with a group of people.  We were all “friends”, online anyway, for quite some time.  We started talking more and more and after a few months realized that we were dealing with similar marital issues.  Seeing them from the outside made us realize how bad things really were and that we were crazy to stay in our marriages.  During that time we also developed feelings for each other and established a deeper connection.  
 

Before all of this, as far as I’m aware, neither one of us cheated or flirted outside of our marriages of 10 years.  We had such a strong connection, before even knowing what each other looked like.  We would message 24/7 and it never got old.  In fact we still talk all day every day as much as possible, 2 years later.  We truly believed we were meant to be together with how alike we are.  I went through a lot to turn it into a real relationship, we both went through with divorces and changed our lives completely.  She says all the time that she’ll do anything to spend the rest of her life with me and make me happy. 
 

If I’m fooling myself by believing she’s something she’s not, I need to figure that out before I go any further and she becomes a part of my kids lives. Which is why I’ve slowed things down and put a hold on moving in together or any other next steps.  I do believe that she wants to be with me, but if she’s the type of person that this is going to be a recurring issue then I don’t know if she’s the one for me. 

I don't believe that there's a group of people who are cheaters and ones who are non-cheaters.  I believe everyone will cheat given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

There are just people more prone to putting themselves into compromising situations.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't believe that there's a group of people who are cheaters and ones who are non-cheaters.  I believe everyone will cheat given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

There are just people more prone to putting themselves into compromising situations.

And they tend to be the cheaters...