GF sent flirty/sexual messages to guy at work, am I overreacting?

[PotatoHead]

No that's not exactly it.  She could care less about her coworker now and I don't think had any actual feelings for him.  She dropped him really quick before I even found out about it because she knew they had crossed some boundaries with the messages.  I don't think she would have taken it any further.  All she wants is to be with me and move past her mistake, and I'm not on here to try and defend the connection that we have.

[elaine567]

Do you have evidence that she dropped him? or did he drop her?

[PotatoHead]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Do you have evidence that she dropped him? or did he drop her?

Well their messages had stopped about a month before I found them, which aligns with when she told me she ended things with him and told him they couldn't message like that anymore.  Shortly after that, he got moved to a different shift and department at work so they no longer see each other or talk in person.  I have full access to her phone and social media so I know that she hasn't been exchanging messages or calling anyone that I don't know about.

Based on what I saw and what I was told, he was definitely the one coming on to her and would've slept with her if he could have, but she turned him down repeatedly.  Other than allowing the flirting to continue.

Edited October 25, 2021 by PotatoHead

[PotatoHead]

I'm debating whether there is any point trying to talk to her about this now.  She can tell something is weighing on me.  I don't want to end the relationship yet, I'd like to give it more time and I still really enjoy our time together.  I'm just having doubts about how we can build a healthy and trusting relationship.  Given what I know now, I don't know how she can reassure me that nothing will ever happen again.  Though I know if I bring it up and present these points, she will give me all the same reasoning that she always has.  That isn't going to really get us anywhere.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

I'm just having doubts about how we can build a healthy and trusting relationship.  Given what I know now, I don't know how she can reassure me that nothing will ever happen again.  Though I know if I bring it up and present these points, she will give me all the same reasoning that she always has.  That isn't going to really get us anywhere.

The issue is you though. You don't trust her. Nothing she says or does can change that. Time may help but you are one foot in/one foot out. Is that fair to either of you? She may choose to move on too.

[vla1120]

36 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

I'm debating whether there is any point trying to talk to her about this now.  She can tell something is weighing on me.  I don't want to end the relationship yet, I'd like to give it more time and I still really enjoy our time together.  I'm just having doubts about how we can build a healthy and trusting relationship.  Given what I know now, I don't know how she can reassure me that nothing will ever happen again.  Though I know if I bring it up and present these points, she will give me all the same reasoning that she always has.  That isn't going to really get us anywhere.

So continue to enjoy your time with her, but you don't have to jump in blindly with both feet. You do not have to move forward with the intent to stay together forever and/or get married. You can simply spend time with her and see where it takes you. There's no pressure to make this a forever thing as long as you have one iota of doubt. Just enjoy your time together and remember, look at her actions, not her words. Time will tell. 

[PotatoHead]

Thank you @vla1120

[smackie9]

I suggest couples counseling. If the issues, whatever they may be with the both of you, are not addressed thoroughly, the anxiety will continue ie: the reason why you are here, and problems about it will resurface. Once you both have a good understanding of why things happen, and what can be done about it, and to sustain proper communication on a regular basis about thoughts and feelings, then you will have a good chance this will survive for the long haul.

[elaine567]

On 10/25/2021 at 7:55 PM, PotatoHead said:

Well their messages had stopped about a month before I found them, which aligns with when she told me she ended things with him and told him they couldn't message like that anymore.  Shortly after that, he got moved to a different shift and department at work so they no longer see each other or talk in person.  I have full access to her phone and social media so I know that she hasn't been exchanging messages or calling anyone that I don't know about.

Based on what I saw and what I was told, he was definitely the one coming on to her and would've slept with her if he could have, but she turned him down repeatedly.  Other than allowing the flirting to continue.

Unfortunately with cheating, the truth is often elusive and "proof" difficult to get,
Few want to appear bad so skate over the details, and frankly often make up lies...

Did she break up with him or him with her, you don't actually know.
Did she sleep with him? You don't actually know.
You only have her word for it.
Trusting a person who has betrayed your trust is difficult to do.
 

On 10/21/2021 at 3:23 AM, PotatoHead said:

I forgot to mention the worst part though.  After I discovered the messages, she deleted the rest of the conversation history with her coworkers so I never got to see it, although she claims she told me everything else there was.  She says she was so disgusted with herself that she wanted it gone.

I am sure she did... and that, with the exception of the actual cheating, is indeed the worst part... 
Trust is going to be very difficult to get back.

[PotatoHead]

Thanks @smackie9  It is something we will consider if we continue to struggle with this long term.  We had some long talks about it yesterday, and while it can be painful to talk about, I think that each time we do we gain a deeper understanding.

I know most here will disagree, but after talking it out more, I do not believe she is a cheater by nature.  Having our affair to be together was terrible and hard for us both, she admits that she feels horrible about it and we should have done things differently.  What happened with messaging that guy, she says after I moved she felt even more like the other woman.  I was living with my ex who didn't know about our relationship yet.  We had to hide and couldn't see each other much.  I can see now how hard that must have been.  She worried that my ex would never actually move out, that we would stay together and she would remain the other woman indefinitely.

Not to say that's an excuse for the actions, she admits that too.  I imagine feeling that hurt, depressed and down on one's self, plus alcohol playing a role led to poor judgment.  She responded to the messages either to boost her ego or perhaps it was retaliatory with the worries about my ex and I.  Despite all that, she still didn't let it get very far at all and she did put a stop to it.  She has and always will feel completely awful for doing it and I believe she would never allow herself to do anything like that again.

She understands there are trust issues and will be for a long time, that she will have to earn it with her actions.  She knows that past behaviors such as hiding things will have to stop, and eventually I won't expect that type of behavior anymore.  I will stop looking for lies.  We are going to give it time and I hope she will prove that she is worthy of my trust.

Feeling much better about it for now, and I am glad that I came here.  It has helped me figure out what questions to ask and where to go from here.  Also glad that I discussed everything with her.

@elaine567 Everything you say is true, I can't know for sure.  We can never know anything for sure other than when we are with the person.  But I do believe what she tells me and I think if more had happened, I would have seen evidence of it.  Either in the messages or otherwise.  I don't think she would still be able to hide it and deny without me knowing. Even during those tough times, even when we weren't able to be together we still messaged and talked every night until we fell asleep.  And there were other reasons that I don't see there being any opportunity for it to have turned physical.  I don't think she would have been capable of going through with it, it would have been risky and there would have been signs.

I am going to try to no longer focus on the past and this one act, because that is only making me miserable.  Looking forward and at the positives, but being cautious and watching out for the possibility of being hurt again.

[Uruktopi]

On 10/21/2021 at 12:58 PM, dramafreezone said:

There are just people more prone to putting themselves into compromising situations.

Solved if you rename them as " a group of people who are cheaters"

[usa1ah]

On 10/26/2021 at 8:42 AM, PotatoHead said:

I'm debating whether there is any point trying to talk to her about this now.  She can tell something is weighing on me.  I don't want to end the relationship yet, I'd like to give it more time and I still really enjoy our time together.  I'm just having doubts about how we can build a healthy and trusting relationship.  Given what I know now, I don't know how she can reassure me that nothing will ever happen again.  Though I know if I bring it up and present these points, she will give me all the same reasoning that she always has.  That isn't going to really get us anywhere.

Her actions going forward are the only thing you can use to rebuild trust. Her words are meaningless. 
 

You really need to talk with her about this. Not in a whining how could you do this type away, but how in the world do you expect to fix things. Your words are meaningless

[PotatoHead]

Turns out there was more.  Not a lot, just a few small details about what happened that were left out all this time.  I caught her in another lie (unrelated issue) and at that point, I told her I was done.  That if after all of this time, with her wanting to rebuild my trust, she was still able to lie to my face, then I had nothing left for her.   She begged and pleaded and said she would do anything to prove that she wasn't lying about anything else and never would again.   That's when the rest of the details came out about the events from 6 months ago.  Says that this time it really is all of it.  That there's nothing more to tell.

Of course, how can I believe that when she had already been saying the same thing all this time.  She understands that I have no reason to believe or trust her but she still wants to try.  We are on sort of a break right now, I told her I need time and space to process everything.  We will still talk and see each other once in a while.

I'm not sure whether I want to keep trying with her.  The problem is that, she is the best friend I've ever had, and if we don't stay in a relationship I don't think she will want to stay friends.  She wouldn't be able to handle seeing me move on.  But I've never been as comfortable just being myself, or as happy as I am when we are together.  I don't see myself ever connecting with anyone like that again.  But if I keep trying, there is no telling when this pain will end, or if it ever will.  I don't think I will ever be able to trust her.

[AngryGromit]

On 10/19/2021 at 1:18 PM, vla1120 said:

I'll try to be gentle. I am always astounded when a couple comes together by cheating on their spouses, and then one of them is taken aback when when the other one ends up cheating on them.

I'll have to agree with you on this, you two probably hid your online relationship from your existing spouses for months before you decided to divorce and get together. So it was perfectly OK for you both to be dishonest and lie to you ex-spouses then, but it's not OK now that you are both together?  Face it you both have a pattern of hiding things from the person your with, I think it's unrealistic to expect her to be completely honest with you about everything starting now.  

[larsen]

Generally speaking, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

[usa1ah]

On 10/19/2021 at 1:30 PM, PotatoHead said:

Thank you for the response.  You are right, I changed our lives completely so that I could be with this woman and try to achieve happiness.  I understand that maybe I shouldn't have been as surprised that she would cheat or lie with me too, but I thought our circumstances were just different.  That we had found "the one" and were both miserable in our marriages, thus justifying our actions in that instance but I did not expect to be subjected to the same type of treatment as her ex.

Why not? She cheated on her ex with you. Cheaters cheat. 

[PotatoHead]

On 12/1/2021 at 8:59 PM, usa1ah said:

Why not? She cheated on her ex with you. Cheaters cheat. 

I'm trying to believe that isn't true.  Yes I may have cheated and lied to my ex, but I would never do it again.  I've learned from the past and am a more honest person now.

We are trying to start over.  We've both done things to hurt each other in our rocky beginnings and have learned from that.  We are both being completely open and honest about everything now, taking it slow and trying to help each other grow from it.  Knowing that it may or may not work out in the end but if we can learn to live in the present, we can be pretty dang happy.

I still struggle from time to time when I let my thoughts go back to what happened.  I guess it's the jealousy that gets me, thinking that she was getting attention from another man and gave him some back.  That he felt he had the right to touch her.  That eats at me.  But I am trying not to get stuck in the past.  I know I need to move on from that if I am going to get through it.

[DonaldDuckster]

First, sorry for you situation.

You did well to tell her that any future lies and you are gone.  Stick to that.

And she MUST find a new job that is not 90% male coworkers.  Immediately.

[PotatoHead]

19 hours ago, DonaldDuckster said:

First, sorry for you situation.

You did well to tell her that any future lies and you are gone.  Stick to that.

And she MUST find a new job that is not 90% male coworkers.  Immediately.

Thank you for that input.  Fortunately on her shift in her area she now works with mostly other females.  Of course there are plenty of other males to come around but she keeps to herself.  I do still struggle with that but she has a good thing going there and I couldn't ask her to give that up.

I wish I could just get over it and believe it was no big deal.  Believe her when she tells me that she never actually liked him or wanted anything from him, it was just bad timing.  That it wasn't because he was attractive or that it couldn't happen again the next time a confident dude catches her off guard.  But I am realizing part of my problem is that I have a hard time being happy with myself if I let myself tolerate this type of behavior again.  I have been cheated on in my past relationships and I know that is something I don't want to deal with.  But I also know that being with her makes me happy and I can't imagine trying to start over again with someone else for a very long time.

For now, she is being very honest and not withholding anything from me.  She is trying her best and I am hoping that in time, I will see that I can trust her actions and move forward from this.  Stop being stuck in the past.  I'm just not sure yet.

Edited December 17, 2021 by PotatoHead

[PotatoHead]

It's been a year since I started this topic, I've still been enjoying reading and posting on here since then.  I'm glad I found this forum.  Just thought I would share a little follow up.

We did end up recently getting back together and things are going well.  We had taken several months apart, recognizing we each had issues to work through and other things that needed tending in our lives.  Now with the divorces a thing of the distant past, the kids being settled and well adjusted, and a lot of my pain over what took place fading with the time, we felt we were ready to try again.  We are taking things much slower and just enjoying what time we do have together.  No talk of making any sort of long term commitments, as I no longer see getting married again in my future and I don't think moving in together will ever be a realistic option.  We are spending very limited time if any around each other's kids as I know mine aren't ready to welcome someone new into our lives quite yet.

I still have some trust issues, but she is more than willing to do what it takes to work through them and in time I think she will earn it again.  She no longer talks with any other males, unless out of necessity and we share all of our interactions.  Occasionally I start to worry and wonder about the past, whether I ever got 100% of the truth, but I am trying to move on and not think about it.  But for that I think our relationship will always be somewhat limited, as I will not be ready to completely let my guard down for a long time.  Overall I am happy, she is still my best friend and we have a great relationship.  It started out messy and I would've done things very differently if I could do it all over again, but hey we live and learn.

Thanks again for all the help and feedback I have received here.