LD affair looks like turning into a real relationship and I'm having a lot of anxiety

[ScientificThoughts]

Hey

This might be a bit long. I met the guy I am talking to online when we were teenagers. We are both in our 30s now. We have talked off and on through phone, text and email throughout our whole lives and really love and respect each other although we'd never met in person. We usually end up losing touch because of the distance and fading out. The last time we talked was about 10 years ago up until the beginning of last month when I sent him a yearly HBD message. He reached out to me a few days later through an old email and we started to chat. We were both unhappy in our relationships, and confided in each other as we always have. It is like no time passed. We share a lot of common goals and understand each other like no one else. We love each other. 

I am in the process of leaving my ex boyfriend and I move out in 2 weeks. He, on the other hand is married. They are separating but living together still and they live in an area where the housing market is very difficult so he is having a hard time being able to afford to just leave or move out. They sleep in separate beds. I know this because we talk every night until we go to sleep. 

We talked everyday for about a month and then we decided we needed to meet in order to figure out if this was real and if we really want to be together. We had never actually met in person before so it was a bit nerve wracking. We live about 12 hours away from each other so we met half way for a weekend. He lied to his wife about where he was, as she is unstable and a bit crazy and didn't want to rock the boat. 

Anyway - we met and had the most amazing weekend. Made love a bunch of times and held each other each night. When we said goodbye I was pretty sad but I felt okay about how everything went. 

But now I have this overwhelming sense of anxiety since he's left. I get worried when he takes hours to respond to my texts. I am trying not to over think but its really, really hard. He does not want to be with his wife. He wants to get the house ready to sell. He wants me to wait for him. I just don't know how I can calm my nerves while I wait for him to deal with his crap. I told myself I will only meet him in "secret" a couple more times, and if he hasn't moved or put his house up for sale by then that I will just end it and tell him to contact me when he has. I just love him so much. I feel like I am going to get hurt. I don't know how to handle any of this. With it being long distance it's extra hard because you can't see the person regularly. I feel like crying everyday and I don't know why. He hasn't said or done anything to make me feel like I should worry other than taking longer to respond to me. What's up with this? 

I know most of you will probably tell me to wait until he's left his wife but I want to give him a chance first. How does everyone in a LDR deal with anxiety? What can I do to calm my nerves? 

Edited October 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[Foxhall]

Ah thats a romantic one, I love the idea of you re-connecting after ten years in the wilderness,

I imagine he sees how much you want this relationship, and maybe that scares him too,

lot of logistics and mind conundrums to sort out, not to mention his wife, but thats not to say that he's not on the same page.

I hope it works out for you ,

maybe work on calming yourself in the meantime, you are going to have to remain patient for another while,

keep talking to friends and doing yoga and things to relax you,

have other interests-never good to get too dependent on anyone or anything

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

. We live about 12 hours away from each other so we met half way for a weekend. He lied to his wife about where he was, 

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup with your BF about?

While a tryst may have been an exciting relief from your ongoing breakup, you're in for a lot of headaches, heartaches, lies and frustration if you continue.

Even though you want a comfy warm body and shoulder to cry on now, he's not leaving his wife and you know that.

Affairs are escapes. It's the same old "we'll leave our awful crazy partners and ride off into the sunset together" thing.

If you can frame this a a one time interlude you'll be fine.

 

[glows]

11 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

But now I have this overwhelming sense of anxiety since he's left. I get worried when he takes hours to respond to my texts. I am trying not to over think but its really, really hard. He does not want to be with his wife. He wants to get the house ready to sell. He wants me to wait for him.

Slow down and backtrack. Think carefully about all the details that were mentioned in his relationship with his wife and what he's told you or what he's asking of you. Is he in any position to be starting a new relationship with someone (you) if he still lives with and is married to his crazy wife? If he was so confident in your romance, why would he ask you to wait? Would someone who cares about you cause you anxiety or grief like this or put you in this situation in the first place? 

I think you should get back on your feet, focus on a smooth transition and move to your new place. Be cognizant of your break up that has just happened and give yourself some breathing room. If I were in your position I couldn't care less if he/someone told me to wait. I'd regard it loosely as he's in no position to tell me what to do and I would be too busy putting things right in my world. You should too. Take care of yourself and don't get sidetracked by this. 

[Nothanks]

12 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He lied to his wife about where he was, as she is unstable and a bit crazy and didn't want to rock the boat. 

Or it is possible he only said these things to convince you into an affair and has no intentions of ending his marriage which is why he lied to his wife.  Your anxiety stems from the fact you only have his word to go on. You know he is lying to her so it is possible he is also lying to you.  
 

You know the right answer because you mentioned it in your post. Wait until he has taken concrete steps to end the marriage (he has moved out and papers are filed). You have had an online relationship for 10 years so wait a bit longer until his marriage is sorted. It will save you heartache of being an OW and always questioning his words, intentions and feelings. You may also be rebounding from your break up and feeling vulnerable.  If he respects you, he will not want to put you in the position of being an OW. Slow it down and wait for him to be in an honest and open relationship with you. 

[ScientificThoughts]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup with your BF about?

While a tryst may have been an exciting relief from your ongoing breakup, you're in for a lot of headaches, heartaches, lies and frustration if you continue.

Even though you want a comfy warm body and shoulder to cry on now, he's not leaving his wife and you know that.

Affairs are escapes. It's the same old "we'll leave our awful crazy partners and ride off into the sunset together" thing.

If you can frame this a a one time interlude you'll be fine.

 

My bf and i were engaged but I haven't been happy for quite some time. I told him I didn't want to marry him and it went downhill from there. He isn't the one for me.  

While I agree about the whole "we'll leave our awful crazy partners and ride off into the sunset together" thing, I've known him almost my whole life and I trust him. I just don't feel like he is lying to me about his marriage. He said it's been bad for about 3 years but he decided he was done trying just before he contacted me. 

[ScientificThoughts]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Slow down and backtrack. Think carefully about all the details that were mentioned in his relationship with his wife and what he's told you or what he's asking of you. Is he in any position to be starting a new relationship with someone (you) if he still lives with and is married to his crazy wife? If he was so confident in your romance, why would he ask you to wait? Would someone who cares about you cause you anxiety or grief like this or put you in this situation in the first place? 

I think you should get back on your feet, focus on a smooth transition and move to your new place. Be cognizant of your break up that has just happened and give yourself some breathing room. If I were in your position I couldn't care less if he/someone told me to wait. I'd regard it loosely as he's in no position to tell me what to do and I would be too busy putting things right in my world. You should too. Take care of yourself and don't get sidetracked by this. 

I think you are right. I joined a gym yesterday so I can concentrate more on myself and stop letting the anxiety control me. I think he wants me to wait because he doesn't want me to find someone else maybe? He knows I love him. And I will wait.... but only for so long. 

[ScientificThoughts]

4 hours ago, Nothanks said:

Or it is possible he only said these things to convince you into an affair and has no intentions of ending his marriage which is why he lied to his wife.  Your anxiety stems from the fact you only have his word to go on. You know he is lying to her so it is possible he is also lying to you.  
 

You know the right answer because you mentioned it in your post. Wait until he has taken concrete steps to end the marriage (he has moved out and papers are filed). You have had an online relationship for 10 years so wait a bit longer until his marriage is sorted. It will save you heartache of being an OW and always questioning his words, intentions and feelings. You may also be rebounding from your break up and feeling vulnerable.  If he respects you, he will not want to put you in the position of being an OW. Slow it down and wait for him to be in an honest and open relationship with you. 

I don't think he is lying to me because of the amount we talk, when we talk, and what we talk about. She is pretty insane. Has threatened to kill him in his sleep. I feel bad for him mostly in this situation. I also know we both put ourselves in this situation with each other. We weren't going to meet at first yet because we didn't want to bring toxicity into the relationship by doing it in secret but he was a little impatient. I have no regrets about it and neither does he but you're right about waiting a bit longer...and I have already told him I feel like a side piece. 

[elaine567]

You are anxious because you know you are on very shaky ground.
He is married and living with his wife.
That is fact, all else he tells you is not really verifiable.
You want to believe him but look how easily he lied to his wife when he took you off for that "dirty weekend"...
Most MM in affairs have unstable and "crazy" wives, it is all part of the narrative they use to persuade their OW to stick around...

[ScientificThoughts]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are anxious because you know you are on very shaky ground.
He is married and living with his wife.
That is fact, all else he tells you is not really verifiable.
You want to believe him but look how easily he lied to his wife when he took you off for that "dirty weekend"...
Most MM in affairs have unstable and "crazy" wives, it is all part of the narrative they use to persuade their OW to stick around...

You're right about MM and what they say.

It wasn't that it was done so easily though, he was scared about it. He cancelled the night before and then changed his mind the day of. I feel like I'm making excuses...lol 

[elaine567]

Too right he was scared he didn't want to be caught and for it to blow up his marriage....

[S2B]

He’s still very much married.

if he was really separated he wouldn’t need to lie to his wife to meet you. There is no reason he can’t file for divorce - but he hasn’t. 

he has choices - he is choosing to stay with her. It’s also why he doesn’t respond for hours. 

does he work?

[ScientificThoughts]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Too right he was scared he didn't want to be caught and for it to blow up his marriage....

He said it was moreso that he doesn't want her to kick him out cause he would be on the street 

[ScientificThoughts]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

He’s still very much married.

if he was really separated he wouldn’t need to lie to his wife to meet you. There is no reason he can’t file for divorce - but he hasn’t. 

he has choices - he is choosing to stay with her. It’s also why he doesn’t respond for hours. 

does he work?

Could he actually go file his separation papers, even if they are still living together? Or does he need to be moved out? This is in Canada. 

Yes, he works. The housing is crazy where he lives. He wants to sell the house they own so he can buy something else as the rent is insane there. 

[mark clemson]

^^ you'd have to ask a Canadian lawyer (probably in the same province) for an accurate answer WRT how divorce goes there.

In the US, many family lawyers will give free half hour consults. Not sure if that's so in Canada, but you could in theory try looking up some law offices in his province, calling them, and seeing if they'll answer a few initial questions you have about divorce there pro bono.

Overall I'd say you're well advised to not take this TOO seriously unless/until he's ACTUALLY left AND come to you with real plans to be together. This may all seem very romantic at some level, but in reality there is just a LOT of water between where he is now and him ending up with you.

IF what he says is true he might be afraid of his wife (I think I would be); if it's baloney then he's very unlikely to actually want to leave when push comes to shove. Also leaving and starting a relationship with you are two separate and major steps.

Edited October 20, 2021 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I am in the process of leaving my ex boyfriend and I move out in 2 weeks. He, on the other hand is married. They are separating but living together still and they live in an area where the housing market is very difficult so he is having a hard time being able to afford to just leave or move out. They sleep in separate beds. I know this because we talk every night until we go to sleep

I'm sorry OP but IF they are separated and both agree to it,  he is free to leave for a weekend without telling her where he's going (unless kids are involved) and even then arrangements can be made.  It should no longer be about her getting upset as obviously this has already been decided and that is why people separate.  The fact that he has to lie to her to get away means he still cares about what she thinks and how that will affect their relationship.  That's not good for you.  Don't get your hopes up.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He said it was moreso that he doesn't want her to kick him out cause he would be on the street 

So if they are co-owners of the house, as most married couples are, does that mean if he moved out she too would no longer be able to afford the house?  Or, is she the main breadwinner?

[ScientificThoughts]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry OP but IF they are separated and both agree to it,  he is free to leave for a weekend without telling her where he's going (unless kids are involved) and even then arrangements can be made.  It should no longer be about her getting upset as obviously this has already been decided and that is why people separate.  The fact that he has to lie to her to get away means he still cares about what she thinks and how that will affect their relationship.  That's not good for you.  Don't get your hopes up.

He told me she said as long as he is still living there it's considered cheating to her. He said he doesn't consider it cheating... but he's still hiding it to not cause extra problems while they get the house and separation sorted out. They've already separated their bank accounts and money. 

[ScientificThoughts]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So if they are co-owners of the house, as most married couples are, does that mean if he moved out she too would no longer be able to afford the house?  Or, is she the main breadwinner?

Right now they split the mortgage. I'm not sure how much she makes, but she works from home. He said either of them can afford it on their own but whoever moves out would be paying double in rent. So neither of them want to leave to rent. They want to get it ready to sell and then each buy something of their own. 

[ScientificThoughts]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

^^ you'd have to ask a Canadian lawyer (probably in the same province) for an accurate answer WRT how divorce goes there.

In the US, many family lawyers will give free half hour consults. Not sure if that's so in Canada, but you could in theory try looking up some law offices in his province, calling them, and seeing if they'll answer a few initial questions you have about divorce there pro bono.

Overall I'd say you're well advised to not take this TOO seriously unless/until he's ACTUALLY left AND come to you with real plans to be together. This may all seem very romantic at some level, but in reality there is just a LOT of water between where he is now and him ending up with you.

IF what he says is true he might be afraid of his wife (I think I would be); if it's baloney then he's very unlikely to actually want to leave when push comes to shove. Also leaving and starting a relationship with you are two separate and major steps.

Very well said.... I think I should probably pull back a bit even though I don't want to  

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Right now they split the mortgage. I'm not sure how much she makes, but she works from home. He said either of them can afford it on their own but whoever moves out would be paying double in rent. So neither of them want to leave to rent. They want to get it ready to sell and then each buy something of their own. 

What is the hold up for putting it up for sale?

[ScientificThoughts]

Just now, stillafool said:

What is the hold up for putting it up for sale?

They have a couple things to do - paint and do some kind of reno to the ensuite bathroom. He has been working on it already. She told him she wants to put the house up for sale in November but I don't know if that's going to happen. He said every time he tries to work on something she tells him he has to watch their son, so he is finding it hard to get the time to do things as quick as he would like?

I don't know how long I am supposed to give him. 

[elaine567]

How old is the son and do they have any other kids?
Whose idea was it to separate his or hers?
Does she know they are separated?
Silly question maybe but not the first MM to claim separation from a wife who hasn't a clue. All lies. 

My guess it will be excuse after excuse as to why he cant leave as leaving a kid/kids is hard to do.
Buckle up it will be a bumpy ride.

[ScientificThoughts]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

How old is the son and do they have any other kids?
Whose idea was it to separate his or hers?
Does she know they are separated?
Silly question maybe but not the first MM to claim separation from a wife who hasn't a clue. All lies. 

My guess it will be excuse after excuse as to why he cant leave as leaving a kid/kids is hard to do.
Buckle up it will be a bumpy ride.

The son is 3. 

She does know. They've told all of their families. She told him she didn't love him anymore 2 or 3 years ago. And he said he'd been trying to win her over since then... up until the summer when he finally got fed up and realized it wasn't going to change a thing. He told her he wanted a divorce last month. They've been discussing separation/house/custody a lot but she is very flip floppy and is a narcissist. Some days she agrees to everything and other days she freaks out. She has tried once or twice to say she wants to do counselling but he says no, saying he doesn't want to stay married to her anymore and that she had the last 3 years to help him fix it and then she agrees with him. They sleep in separate beds and are not intimate in any way. 

If it ends up being a million excuses I won't stick around forever as much as I love him. It's hard to let go of someone you've loved since you were a teenager though. 

[glows]

16 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

They have a couple things to do - paint and do some kind of reno to the ensuite bathroom. He has been working on it already. She told him she wants to put the house up for sale in November but I don't know if that's going to happen. He said every time he tries to work on something she tells him he has to watch their son, so he is finding it hard to get the time to do things as quick as he would like?

I don't know how long I am supposed to give him. 

So let me get this straight. While he's doing house renos with his wife, he's sneaking out for sex with you. His wife believes they're still married for as long as they share a home (dating others is not acceptable and considered cheating while they live together) and they are sharing a home indefinitely. Unfortunately, not much about this situation offers any real proof of separation or divorce on their part. As far as the two of them go, they are still husband and wife doing house renos and going through a bumpy patch in their marriage. You are just the side piece offering a brief distraction. 

Good for you for joining the gym. I'd meet new people and start engaging with different interest groups. Meet others more on your wavelength while you get settled and enjoy your singledom for awhile.