LD affair looks like turning into a real relationship and I'm having a lot of anxiety

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

 

If he says he is moving why hasn’t he told his wife he wants a divorce?

 

He’a hoping to sneak out the door without her noticing - because he doesn’t want to upset the woman…

[pepperbird2]

20 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

 

 

 

Maybe I am just in complete denial or maybe he isn't actually this horrible person you all make him sound to be

That's because he isn't a horrible person. He;s flawed human being, same as the rest of us. He's likely just an ordinary man making some very rotten decisions.

I think in this respect, OW/OM are in the same boat as BS. This could just be me, but it's a big part of why affairs can really throw a person. It's hard to get one's head around how someone, who is likely a decent enough person, can do something so unkind to their spouse and their "other". I think it would be easier (for lack of a better word) if a WS was a full on jackass. At least then, their actions could make sense in the context of "well, they're just a  jerk so what do you expect"?

Sorry if I worded that so that makes no sense.

Edited December 17, 2021 by pepperbird2

[elaine567]

I do believe some WSs are "full on jack asses" or "jerks".
Maybe they always have been, or maybe life or the affair has made them so.
Some are horrible and cruel, some do not care a damn about their wife/their kids/their OW or anyone else apart from themselves.
Some are so obsessed with getting sex, they care about little else.

Is the OP being played here by a "jerk"?
I don't know.
Some "jerks" can be very plausible and appear to be good guys, to get what they want and many know exactly what strings to pull to get  a woman to fall in love with them.

Time will tell.

[glows]

22 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

 I don't want to keep defending him when I have no reason to not believe what he says at this point. He has done everything he has said he was going to thus far. I didn't know about how bad the abuse was until recently, and he said he didn't either and realized it had been going on for at least the last 5 years. I am definitely not a saviour here... But I know I am that emotional support person. He has told me that himself. I love him, I just want him to be happy. 

You don’t need to (defend him). Ask a moderator to close the thread and be content in your decision. You’re not obligated to keep defending him. Your intention at the start was to understand your anxiety but you quickly surmised that it’s related also to your situation. 

Since you’ve made up your mind to be with him through the separation process the most you can do is place limits in time. Controlling the heart or emotions is futile. Now that you understand those emotions you can better decide how to limit your risks.

I mentioned having a plan B if things go south and you ever move out there. Even if you’re just dating and continue as an LDR ask yourself ultimately what makes you happy. Visiting an ldr boyfriend or a local relationship? How financially prepared are you to move and dig yourself out of a hole so soon after leaving your ex? You do not need to justify your actions to anyone but your first priority is to yourself and your emotional/mental well-being not that of a guy who’s moving.  

Edited December 17, 2021 by glows

[ScientificThoughts]

He has told his wife he wants a divorce already. She is aware of everything (except me).

He told me he is paying his Jan rent today because he gets paid - so he can start moving stuff in. He told me that, I didn't ask. 

I know the anxiety comes from the not knowing. All I can do is trust what he tells me... and yes, I have given my trust in the past and been burned. I will definitely be hurt if he decides a different path than the one we discussed but at the end of the day he can do whatever makes him happy. I am not his keeper. 

I am also well aware the LDR probably won't be sustainable financially either. I was already planning a move next year to a closer location with a work transfer but not to where he is. It will make the cost less to see each other... but one of us will have to make a sacrifice eventually (leaving job, time with kid, etc) in order to be together. It's also not really fair for only one person to make that sacrifice... It should be both, or neither, right? I've thought about this as I am sure he has as well but we've only touched on it a couple times. We have made plans to do a few things together next year so we will see. 

[elaine567]

How will you be able to juggle your exes as they will need to see their children too?

[glows]

53 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I am also well aware the LDR probably won't be sustainable financially either. I was already planning a move next year to a closer location with a work transfer but not to where he is. It will make the cost less to see each other... but one of us will have to make a sacrifice eventually (leaving job, time with kid, etc) in order to be together. It's also not really fair for only one person to make that sacrifice... It should be both, or neither, right? I've thought about this as I am sure he has as well but we've only touched on it a couple times. We have made plans to do a few things together next year so we will see. 

This would be at the forefront and would it make sense logistically. It seems to be a budding romance with many question marks. If you're going to be spending any amount on him or time, I don't think it's in your best interests to leave any questions unanswered. You are already investing and over time it adds up. 

In the meantime... those single local men are being ignored...

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, ScientificThoughts said:

 I will definitely be hurt if he decides a different path than the one we discussed but at the end of the day he can do whatever makes him happy. I am not his keeper. 

I am also well aware the LDR probably won't be sustainable financially either. I was already planning a move next year to a closer location with a work transfer but not to where he is. It will make the cost less to see each other... but one of us will have to make a sacrifice eventually (leaving job, time with kid, etc) in order to be together.

I'm not knee-jerk "against" affairs and/or monkey-branching. Not the most ethical thing to do, but for better or worse it's part of what makes the world go round.

However, I will again note that your chances do not look good here. From what I understand:

- Rates (%s) of MM's actually leaving are low

- Success rates for post-affair relationships are low (note that success rates for all relationships are low in the sense that most end, but still)

- You have the additional hurdles/logistics issues of the LDR + LDRs make for plenty of opportunities to stray for those so inclined, so additional issues on top of the first two

- It sounds like there are real barriers to actually being located physically close

 

Overall I'd say do yourself a BIG favor and don't pin all your hopes on this. If a move makes sense for work or for other "life improvement" reasons by all means, but I'd be very cautious about putting too many eggs into this basket. The odds are not in your favor, and IMO that's simply the reality of the situation.

Edited December 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[ScientificThoughts]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not knee-jerk "against" affairs and/or monkey-branching. Not the most ethical thing to do, but for better or worse it's part of what makes the world go round.

However, I will again note that your chances do not look good here. From what I understand:

- Rates (%s) of MM's actually leaving are low

- Success rates for post-affair relationships are low (note that success rates for all relationships are low in the sense that most end, but still)

- You have the additional hurdles/logistics issues of the LDR + LDRs make for plenty of opportunities to stray for those so inclined, so additional issues on top of the first two

 

Overall I'd say do yourself a BIG favor and don't pin all your hopes on this. If a move makes sense for work or for other "life improvement" reasons by all means, but I'd be very cautious about putting too many eggs into this basket. The odds are not in your favor, and IMO that's simply the reality of the situation.

Thanks, I appreciate your input. Maybe I am wearing rose coloured glasses because I've loved him since I was a teen. Maybe I want to live in the fantasy of we are meant to be together right now, but you're right we have a ton of hurdles to get through. Right now we are choosing to appreciate the distance in the sense that we both have the much needed alone time after a relationship ends before jumping right into something else. Although that is technically exactly what we've done... 

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Right now we are choosing to appreciate the distance in the sense that we both have the much needed alone time after a relationship ends before jumping right into something else.

This is completely different than your attitude when you started this thread.  You were anxious that he wasn't moving out fast enough.

[pepperbird2]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

This is completely different than your attitude when you started this thread.  You were anxious that he wasn't moving out fast enough.

The moving of the goalposts has commenced.

[Girl Fade Away]

@ScientificThoughtsis there an update? 

[ScientificThoughts]

On 12/21/2021 at 8:05 AM, Girl Fade Away said:

@ScientificThoughtsis there an update? 

Yes, I have been busy with work and Christmas etc. Hope everyone is enjoying their holidays.

My goal posts haven't shifted. I mentally gave him a timeline of how long I would give him to move out and I have stuck to it. Luckily for him he is moving within the time I gave him.

He had some issues with the place he found but ended up getting his deposit back and finding something else. So he's been packing and getting all his things ready for the move Jan 1st. His wife won't let him take much of anything but he still is able to bring some stuff with him which is a bonus. 

He has worked out a custody arrangement with her and will get to see his kid often. She's agreed to 50/50 when the kid starts school so I am happy for him but she likes to go back on everything she says and seems to use the kid as a pawn to get what she wants... So we will see how that pans out. 

I've booked tickets to go see him for 5 days at his new place next month. He is taking a couple days off but will have to work for 2 of those 5 days. I don't mind at all - he did say one of the days his wife asked him if he could watch the kid after work for an hour... so he will come home after work to see me, then have to leave again for a a bit to watch the kid, then come back home. So essentially I will be alone that day all day and evening... He told me to tell him if I mind and I said I didn't. And I don't, really... I am more wondering what I am going to do that day in an unfamiliar place. I won't have a vehicle either. So it does bother me a little bit but I don't want to tell him that and come in between him and his kid if he tells her he can't watch him. It's not about him going there - it's about me having nothing to do all day/evening. 

Anyway there's the update... Let me have it  

[ScientificThoughts]

Also should mention I feel we've become even closer over the holidays. We've been talking a lot more in depth about the future and our feelings for each other. He says he is deeply in love with me and that I mean everything to him.

I have no worries about him going back to his wife, he is done with her I am sure. I do have anxiety about the distance though becoming more of an issue once he is completely alone. He said it doesn't matter and he will wait/move/do whatever it takes for us to be together eventually. Right now we've been seeing each other every 6 weeks it seems... Is that enough?

He says he wants to marry me eventually and feels crazy even saying that because of everything going on. I feel all these things too but part of me wonders if he will one day wake up and be like, okay I'm healed and I don't need her anymore. It's probably a stupid insecurity of mine because has said before I am out of his league a few times, and that he can't wait to show me off to everyone. He has also called me trophy wife. I do believe he is in love with me though, more than just how I look. Our connection has always just been an emotional one up until we met obviously. We loved each other before we knew what each other looked like... I am overthinking as usual. 

[JRabbit]

23 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

It's not about him going there - it's about me having nothing to do all day/evening. 

Get used to it. His kids are and should be the priority. He shouldn't be missing his time with them just because you are visiting. Get some books, podcasts, go for walks, do some yoga...etc etc. I can think of a million things to do to stay busy. You aren't even together yet and you're being selfish over his time.

And yes you should be worried he will realize he is free, and now might not want a relationship. It's pretty common.  He has shown you what his character is and you have accepted it this entire time.

[ScientificThoughts]

2 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Get used to it. His kids are and should be the priority. He shouldn't be missing his time with them just because you are visiting. Get some books, podcasts, go for walks, do some yoga...etc etc. I can think of a million things to do to stay busy. You aren't even together yet and you're being selfish over his time.

And yes you should be worried he will realize he is free, and now might not want a relationship. It's pretty common.  He has shown you what his character is and you have accepted it this entire time.

Of course - I wouldn't expect anything different. I told him I didn't mind, and I don't. I will never come between him and his kid. 

What is his character? 

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

he did say one of the days his wife asked him if he could watch the kid after work for an hour... so he will come home after work to see me, then have to leave again for a a bit to watch the kid, then come back home. So essentially I will be alone that day all day and evening... He told me to tell him if I mind and I said I didn't.

Why can't he bring his kid to his new place since:

 

14 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I have no worries about him going back to his wife, he is done with her

So there should be nothing more to hide from her.

[ScientificThoughts]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why can't he bring his kid to his new place since:

 

So there should be nothing more to hide from her.

Don't you think there should be a time period before your kid meets your new SO? I wouldn't introduce him to my kids yet either. 

[stillafool]

Just now, ScientificThoughts said:

Don't you think there should be a time period before your kid meets your new SO? I wouldn't introduce him to my kids yet either. 

Yes I do.  Has his kids seen his new place yet?

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

So it does bother me a little bit but I don't want to tell him that and come in between him and his kid if he tells her he can't watch him. It's not about him going there - it's about me having nothing to do all day/evening. 

Ask to meet with his wife while you are there and have nothing to do. At least you'll know if half the stuff he's telling you is even  true.

If you plan on a life together with someone who has a child, you may as well get that part out of the way. Sooner or later she need to know where her husband is and who her child is with.

That is if he is actually getting divorced. If he objects , that will be useful information as to if anything he says is sincere.

[Amethyst68]

So how's he planning to do 50/50 custody if he's planning to move to be with you and by default your children? 

[HowToQuit]

The sceptic in me wants to poke holes in the deposit back / new place and working while you are there… but I won’t!

[HowToQuit]

Also: I know a lot of friends who went through separation but I do not know anyone who worked out the 50/50 access schedule on such a short timeline, especially for a young age kid. Good for them (although, I am again sceptical this is 100% the case). 

[ScientificThoughts]

36 minutes ago, HowToQuit said:

The sceptic in me wants to poke holes in the deposit back / new place and working while you are there… but I won’t!

Please do, LOL. 

 

 I do 50/50 with my kid and my ex. We did it right away. And I don't  think he would be doing 50/50 if he moves away...I am just saying this is what they discussed. 

[ScientificThoughts]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes I do.  Has his kids seen his new place yet?

Not yet, he moves in Jan 1. He will be taking his kid there though every weekend.