LD affair looks like turning into a real relationship and I'm having a lot of anxiety

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He started looking for bachelor apartments because they are the most affordable.

Is he planning for his son to stay with him - if so, where will his son sleep?

[ScientificThoughts]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Is he planning for his son to stay with him - if so, where will his son sleep?

He said it will be just transitional housing for him... So somewhere to live while he does things to the house and they put it up for sale. Somewhere that I can actually come to visit him. 

When he buys something else I am assuming that's when he will take his kid for overnights? 

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Why would he go with someone who is so far away? If all he really wanted was sex, why not go for someone that is closer to him that he can access whenever he wants? 

Who's to say he doesn't also have someone closer? 

[ScientificThoughts]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Who's to say he doesn't also have someone closer? 

Well, by the amount we talk and at what times throughout the days/evenings/nights I just don't see it. Not with the amount of attention I get and that he really at the end of the day I don't think he would add even more to his plate 

[ScientificThoughts]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

less likely his wife will find out if you aren’t in his immediate area.

You can justify and twist it all you want. He still is a married man.

it is interesting you only require him to move out. He can stay married for the next 30 years and see you on the side under your guidelines.

I am definitely not going to wait 30 years or continue to be a side piece forever... I at least put up the boundary of he needs to move out if he wants to be with me. He said he is getting a divorce. For now I believe him. Time will tell and actions speak louder than words. If he doesn't end up moving out in the next month I will re-evaluate. It's already hard being away from him as it is so if he wants to prolong seeing me even more I will be upset and annoyed. 

He also said that his wife told him he can go have sex with other people, just not in their house... So there's that. 

[PotatoHead]

Moving out is a step in the right direction, and it's risky on his part assuming the wife will retain custody of the kid at their home.  I still see no reason he can't go ahead and file for the divorce, especially now if he is showing that his intentions are not to work things out by moving out.  Hopefully he follows through.

[ScientificThoughts]

6 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

Moving out is a step in the right direction, and it's risky on his part assuming the wife will retain custody of the kid at their home.  I still see no reason he can't go ahead and file for the divorce, especially now if he is showing that his intentions are not to work things out by moving out.  Hopefully he follows through.

I hope so too...I will be anticipating it. He has been forthcoming about the places he has inquired about and the conversations he has has with landlords... So we will see if he takes the next step. 

[ScientificThoughts]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

So your timeline to see changes from him is one month?

 

Well... Yes. I am assuming he is looking for places for December 1st. I'm honestly wondering if he will make an excuse but we'll see. I know with Christmas and everything that month it could be expensive. I'm not going to tell him about this timeline though

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Well... Yes. I am assuming he is looking for places for December 1st. I'm honestly wondering if he will make an excuse but we'll see. I know with Christmas and everything that month it could be expensive. I'm not going to tell him about this timeline though

I guess he will not want to move out and leave his kid that close to Christmas...

[ScientificThoughts]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

I guess he will not want to move out and leave his kid that close to Christmas...

It might be the case. He will be spending a lot of time at the house still I am guessing so who knows what he will say or if there will be an excuse.... I am going to mentally prepare myself. I also don't think I will be asking him about any of the apartments or how it's going with his search unless I absolutely need to. I want to see what he does without me asking or putting pressure. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He also said that his wife told him he can go have sex with other people, just not in their house... So there's that. 

Says so many married men…  “we are in an open marriage” or “she simply doesn’t care…”

Those are pretty meaningless words unless they are verified by the source. But he know you are not going to call his wife. You are very much trying to be the “ good OW” - supportive, but not demanding. If for no other reason than the fact that you are testing his commitment to leaving his marriage…

Edited October 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He said it will be just transitional housing for him... So somewhere to live while he does things to the house and they put it up for sale. Somewhere that I can actually come to visit him. 

When he buys something else I am assuming that's when he will take his kid for overnights? 

One more piece of information about this guy… tells you where his son’s needs fall on his list. Most people would place their children’s needs at the top of their list when separating/divorcing - not this guy… His affair is more important than his child. 

Edited October 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[ScientificThoughts]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

One more piece of information about this guy… tells you where his son’s needs fall on his list. Most people would place their children’s needs at the top of their list when separating/divorcing - not this guy… His affair is more important than his child. 

These are just assumptions on my part... I try not to discuss his kid stuff too much right now. 

[PotatoHead]

He is trying to find a balance possibly, a way to move things forward and not lose out on the possibility of this new relationship while he figures things out at home, moving forward with the divorce and finding new living arrangements.  No reason he couldn't keep his son for overnights at the new place, his GF won't be staying there every night I assume.

[ScientificThoughts]

19 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

He is trying to find a balance possibly, a way to move things forward and not lose out on the possibility of this new relationship while he figures things out at home, moving forward with the divorce and finding new living arrangements.  No reason he couldn't keep his son for overnights at the new place, his GF won't be staying there every night I assume.

Exactly. I am sure he will be taking his kid a lot. I just assumed because its a bachelor and a temp living situation that he may do a lot of visits at the house while he is there. Either way it's not my business. 

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Exactly. I am sure he will be taking his kid a lot. I just assumed because its a bachelor and a temp living situation that he may do a lot of visits at the house while he is there. Either way it's not my business. 

You are making a lot of assumptions here - related to his wife and the current state of his marriage, his plan to leave and his plans for the future…

I would caution you, again, to be very cautious and not to get your hopes up. This is not usually how a healthy relationship develops. As it stands now, this is very one sided in that he is making the decisions and you are politely waiting for this man to share information. That’s the problem when a relationship starts as an affair, particularly when there is a child involved. It’s difficult to build trust and grow your relationship when you are the outside - not included in the decision making and not even wanting to ask questions for fear that you may rock the boat. If you are going to be in a relationship, you should be his primary partner and right now, you are not. In fact, his ex wife will always be involved in your relationship because they share a child together. With kindness, as a stepmother myself, I feel like you are being rather naive here -

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He also said that his wife told him he can.....

Unfortunately that's the issue with this, specially with the distance. There's no way to verify anything he tells you. It's all hearsay and filled in by whatever you hope, think, wish and feel.

[ScientificThoughts]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately that's the issue with this, specially with the distance. There's no way to verify anything he tells you. It's all hearsay and filled in by whatever you hope, think, wish and feel.

Well, he's going to see an apartment tonight... I definitely do wish, hope, think and feel a lot of things but he is taking some action. So far, at least. 

[PotatoHead]

17 minutes ago, S2B said:

Have him send photos. That way you at least have some sort of idea he at least close to an apartment to get photos.

honestly - with most MM you can’t believe a word they say.

call and verify with his wife anything he claims about her. If she gave the approval - then he won’t mind you checking to be sure.

He doesn’t want the wife to know about their relationship yet, to prevent hostility and her acting rashly. 
 

I will say from experience though, it’s better to get it out in the open sooner.  Yes it’s hard, but the hostility will come sooner or later, as will the full truth.  And the longer she finds out you all were hiding the relationship, the worse it will be. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

he's going to see an apartment tonight...

"Going to see" is not "I'm divorced".

Don't get hurt. Although normally would never suggest this, contact his wife to verify his stories.

[ScientificThoughts]

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to update.... 

We spent another weekend together since the last post and had an amazing time. He put a deposit on an apartment and moves at the end of the month. I have seen photos, and know he is actually moving. We still talk daily/nightly. 

His wife still does not know about us. He does think she *must* know something, as he texts me right in front of her even though she doesn't see the screen. Although she recently asked him if he was talking to other women and he said no. 

I am going to see him in his new place in a month or so and spend a week with him. We're both excited for this but I am a little nervous about it, almost like I am worried his wife will stop by or something. He doesn't seem worried or even care about that, so I don't know why I am? He won't be living with her anymore so it shouldn't matter right? Why am I worried about this? I have nothing to hide, really. I don't want drama or anything bad to happen I guess? 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

His wife still does not know about us. He does think she *must* know something, as he texts me right in front of her even though she doesn't see the screen. Although she recently asked him if he was talking to other women and he said no. 

Why is he still lying to her at this point?  If he's rented an apartment and spends the weekends with you what is there to hide, why won't he tell her the truth and get it over with?  Plus it doesn't sound like she cares if he's texting you right in front of her, what's the hold up?

Edited December 14, 2021 by stillafool

[ScientificThoughts]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why is he still lying to her at this point?  If he's rented an apartment and spends the weekends with you what is there to hide, why won't he tell her the truth and get it over with?  Plus it doesn't sound like she cares if he's texting you right in front of her, what's the hold up?

I'm not sure. He did say he doesn't care if she finds out but more that he doesn't want anyone to think badly about me. Also to keep the peace as she tends to act irrationally and locks him out of the house which at this point he still needs to be able to access.

I am okay with him revealing whatever he needs to when he thinks the time is right and I told him that. His family is extremely toxic too so I understand why he wants to keep me out of anything right away. He doesn't want anyone to think he left her for me either, because even though we are together it's not why he wants a divorce. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He did say he doesn't care if she finds out

He does care, or he would have given her an honest answer when she asked him a direct question. 

17 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He doesn't want anyone to think badly about me.

He says that he is lying to her and sneaking around because he doesn’t want anyone to think badly about you. If that was really true, he would not put you in a position where he has to lie and sneak around to see you. He would give you a legitimate and honourable position in his life. Except, he can’t do that because it means he would need to be honest with his partner and end his marriage.

17 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He doesn't want anyone to think he left her for me

But, he is leaving her for you - is he not? Don’t think that you will be able to hide this, people are not stupid. They usually figure these kinds of thing  out…

17 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

even though we are together it's not why he wants a divorce. 

Well then, he should file for divorce and deal with the end of his marriage in an honest and respectful way. 

ST, does a man with integrity and good character involve himself with another woman while married, lie to his wife when she asks him a direct question, sneak around and plan to leave/divorce without telling his wife his intentions, and then expect you to lie to others about your relationship - because it’s “for your benefit” (ie. he doesn’t want others to think badly if you). Is this really a man that you should trust? Is he a man who has integrity, is honest, trustworthy, responsible? 

Edited December 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[ScientificThoughts]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

He does care, or he would have given her an honest answer when she asked him a direct question. 

He says that he is lying to her and sneaking around because he doesn’t want anyone to think badly about you. If that was really true, he would not put you in a position where he has to lie and sneak around to see you. He would give you a legitimate and go to able position in his life - but to do that, he has to be honest with his partner and end his relationship.

But, he is leaving her for you - is he not? Don’t think that you will be able to hide this, people are not stupid. They usually figure these kinds of thing  out…

Well then, he should file for divorce and deal with the end of his marriage in an honest and respectful way. 

ST, does a man of character involve himself with another woman while married, lie to his wife about this relationship, sneak around and plan to leave/divorce without telling his wife his intentions, and then expect you to lie to others about your relationship - because it’s “for your benefit” (ie. he doesn’t want others to think badly if you). Is this really a man that you should trust? Is he a man who has integrity, is honest, trustworthy, responsible? 

I understand what you're saying. I have told almost everyone in my life about us (they also all already know him, as I've known him 20+ years). They know the situation and they also know the love we've shared over the years. He loves that everyone knows on my side, he says he wishes he could yell it from the rooftops... But I get why he doesn't. He is obviously afraid of the consequences of doing that. 

And you're right - people will figure it out they aren't stupid. I guess it depends on when he decides to spill the beans about it... If it's a month from now they will definitely know. 6 months from now... Maybe not.