LD affair looks like turning into a real relationship and I'm having a lot of anxiety

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I am spending a week there next month. I know it's only a week but it's not just a weekend of sex and fun. We actually want to spend time together without it feeling rushed. 

How is his wife going to feel about that? 

[elaine567]

Just now, BaileyB said:

How is his wife going to feel about that? 

He is probably not going to tell her.
He will make up some excuse.. for his absence.

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I think it's just because it is him and he means so much to me. If it was someone else I would have peaced out a long time ago.

Ignore that red flag at your own risk. 

You are emotionally involved, and that clouds your judgment. I suggest that you try and look at this from a different  perspective. It’s part of the reason why a counsellor would be helpful. 

Edited December 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I have rejected many married men in my life.

Do you get any offers from available single men?

[ScientificThoughts]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He is probably not going to tell her.
He will make up some excuse.. for his absence.

 He won't be living with her then. He doesn't have to tell her anything... He told me he will still go see his son while I am there, which is perfectly fine. 

 

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

"We" as in you and him or you and others?

Him and I. 

[ScientificThoughts]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Do you get any offers from available single men?

I probably would if I was "out there". 

[stillafool]

Just now, ScientificThoughts said:

I probably would if I was "out there". 

But if you're approached by MM who you've rejected surely some single guys have hit on you too, no?  Where were you when the MM hit on you?

[ScientificThoughts]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But if you're approached by MM who you've rejected surely some single guys have hit on you too, no?  Where were you when the MM hit on you?

I meant in the past. I also have two acquaintances that are both married that have said things to me before. I truly have no interest in it... If I were to actually try to go date, I would be able to find single men for sure. I am already committed to this though.. And if this doesn't work out I am still not going to date for a while. 

[pepperbird2]

On 10/20/2021 at 12:35 PM, ScientificThoughts said:

Could he actually go file his separation papers, even if they are still living together? Or does he need to be moved out? This is in Canada. 

Yes, he works. The housing is crazy where he lives. He wants to sell the house they own so he can buy something else as the rent is insane there. 

um, yeah.
Unless he lives in up in TO, the Vancouver area or Ottawa that's just an excuse. The housing markets are cooling off drastically.

Second, you mentioned something about his wife threatening to kill him in his sleep? That's just asinine. "she's going to kill me, but I am going to make excuses so I can stay". ????????????

It;s time for you to shut off the part of your brain that;s using emotions and turn to logic. If you had your husband say that to you,  what would you do? Make excuses to stay as he has done? IF it ere me, I'd be betting out as fast as my little feet could carry me. My first stop would be the nearest detachment of the RCMP and my second would be a lawyer's office. I hope he's not trying to use having kids an an excuse (if he has any)-that's just despicable. To keep them in that sort of environment where their mother threatens his life?

Come on, you're smarter than this.

[pepperbird2]

On 10/20/2021 at 3:36 PM, stillafool said:

Well it doesn't sound like he is done or he would have told her so.  If she wants to fix it he is going to do just that and the way he's making up excuses to not tell her about you is just that, excuses.  Plus given they have a child together he'll never go unless she leaves him.

oh god, this is even worse than I thought. His wife threatens to kill him, shes a narcissist ( according to you) and they have a child? he is making excuses to stay with her and subject his child to a toxic environment? Sounds like father of the year to me.

Again, you are smarter than this.

[ScientificThoughts]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

um, yeah.
Unless he lives in up in TO, the Vancouver area or Ottawa that's just an excuse. The housing markets are cooling off drastically.

Second, you mentioned something about his wife threatening to kill him in his sleep? That's just asinine. "she's going to kill me, but I am going to make excuses so I can stay". ????????????

It;s time for you to shut off the part of your brain that;s using emotions and turn to logic. If you had your husband say that to you,  what would you do? Make excuses to stay as he has done? IF it ere me, I'd be betting out as fast as my little feet could carry me. My first stop would be the nearest detachment of the RCMP and my second would be a lawyer's office. I hope he's not trying to use having kids an an excuse (if he has any)-that's just despicable. To keep them in that sort of environment where their mother threatens his life?

Come on, you're smarter than this.

He does live in one of those areas. 

And I agree with you. I would have left long ago too if someone was threatening me like that. However - abusive relationships often don't work like that. People don't always "just leave". It's harder than you think. 

[pepperbird2]

Just now, ScientificThoughts said:

He does live in one of those areas. 

And I agree with you. I would have left long ago too if someone was threatening me like that. However - abusive relationships often don't work like that. People don't always "just leave". It's harder than you think. 

Been there done that don't want the tee shirt, lol.

I know this sounds cold, but if he is being threaten by his "narcissist" wife, then why why WHY is he making excuses to stay and even worse,  keep his child there in that environment?

 

[pepperbird2]

On 10/22/2021 at 2:42 PM, ScientificThoughts said:

I want a relationship with him... but I'd like him to not be living with his wife. Because it is still early I haven't put much pressure about him moving out but the ore we meet I know the more it will bother me and I'm not going to put up with it much more. 

Originally I was looking for advice on how to manage my anxiety but my anxiety exists for many reasons in this relationship clearly... and now after posting here I am having a hard time even trusting him. 

That's your gut talking to you. It knows something is off, and it's trying to warn you. Listen to that. Take note of the MMs actions, not his words. Those are want matters.

If you do want to be with this guy,  you have every right to set parameters of what you will and will not accept, and take care. If you see yourself moving the goal posts to accommodate him and his issues, you have a problem.  If "I'll move out next week" keeps getting pushed back, or he finds excuses to stay, that's something to really take note of.

[ScientificThoughts]

8 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Been there done that don't want the tee shirt, lol.

I know this sounds cold, but if he is being threaten by his "narcissist" wife, then why why WHY is he making excuses to stay and even worse,  keep his child there in that environment?

 

He is moving. He gets possession of his apartment on the 15th and should be all moved by the 1st. I think he is hoping to sell in the spring. 

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Thanks for the replies. You all make such good points and I am going to bring up a couple of them with him... Like why is he afraid if he is divorcing her anyway? I think he just doesn't want to fight with her. For example -  His wife tried to punch him in the face yesterday when he ate something of hers. When he said he would call the police on her, she said "Who do you think they will believe" as in she would lie to the police. So I kind of get why he wants to keep the peace.... The part that annoyed me was afterwards he took their son out for ice cream and while he was out he got gas in her car for her and gave her ice cream. He said "I don't know why I am like this" after he told me. As in being nice to her after she's so awful to him. It reminds me of an abusive relationship and needing to gain back the persons approval. When I said this he said he doesn't need her approval he just doesn't want to fight with her. 

He has so many toxic women in his life. His family is all narcissists and I honestly think he is used to being treated badly. Maybe that is why he has clung to me... Because I make him feel like an actual person whose feelings and opinions matter. I have also thought about the "not needing me anymore" as well. Like I am the crutch to get him over this. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. The long distance will be the true test in this. 

Also he said he will still be seeing his son everyday after work and taking him every other weekend. So he isn't abandoning his son. The apartment isn't an AirBNB. I will be staying there for a week when I go next month and I am sure all his stuff will be there because the place is empty right now. 

I will be pushing for him to file separation papers once he is settled in his new place. There won't be any excuses not to then. 

So let me get this straight...his wife punches him in the face and he isn't grabbing his kid(s) and running out the door?

I'm sorry but I just can't get past the cowardice. It's one thing to stay if he was the only one suffering. He's choosing to stay and expose his kids to this. Why doesn't he call the police, children's aid, something?????

I hope I am wrong, but he may come back with the ever popular "I have to stay to protect my kids, but we can still see each other on the side". IF he does, don;t walk, run!

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, ScientificThoughts said:

We've talked about him being a narcissist a few times. I don't think he is, but I've been fooled before. 

Have you thought about attending some relationship counseling sessions with him a a non negotiable" before you get too serious with him? It could really give you some insight into his actions, and if he is a narcissist, it's likely the only way you're going to get him to get any sort of help.

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He is moving. He gets possession of his apartment on the 15th and should be all moved by the 1st. I think he is hoping to sell in the spring. 

So today is the 15th, has he gotten possession?

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

So let me get this straight...his wife punches him in the face and he isn't grabbing his kid(s) and running out the door?

This guy sounds like a whimp.  Who let's their wife punch them in the face without calling the cops?  She should be in jail.

[ScientificThoughts]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So today is the 15th, has he gotten possession?

He is supposed to get the keys today if he pays January rent early.

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This guy sounds like a whimp.  Who let's their wife punch them in the face without calling the cops?  She should be in jail.

She didn't punch him in the face, she "tried to". He said he was going to call the cops and she said "Who do you think they will believe". 

Do you think the police are reasonable when it comes to domestic violence? If she actually punched him and he had the marks to prove it could be easier to prove, but even then it's way harder for a man in those situations. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Do you think the police are reasonable when it comes to domestic violence? If she actually punched him and he had the marks to prove it could be easier to prove, but even then it's way harder for a man in those situations. 

Why are you involved with someone involved in domestic violence (your assumptions about it are wrong and based on his lies) and who is still married?

Keep in mind many abusers lie, cheat and claim they are the victim. He's got all the red flags and then some.

You need to run, not hope and wish renting a place means anything.

 Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Invest in yourself and in dating decent honest single men who claim to be abused (but are the abusers)

Talk to trusted friends and family. Get a reality check from people who know you well. 

Edited December 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He did say he doesn't care if she finds out but more that he doesn't want anyone to think badly about me.

This makes no sense to me.  If he didn't want people to think badly of you he wouldn't be having sex with you while he's still married.  He would wait for his divorce so you wouldn't be accused of sexing married men.  He doesn't care about your reputation, he's getting what he wants married or not.  No this guy is a coward and certainly nobody's prize.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He won't be living with her then.

Good luck with that. 

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

He is supposed to get the keys today if he pays January rent early.

She didn't punch him in the face, she "tried to". He said he was going to call the cops and she said "Who do you think they will believe". 

Do you think the police are reasonable when it comes to domestic violence? If she actually punched him and he had the marks to prove it could be easier to prove, but even then it's way harder for a man in those situations. 

Sure they are.  Women get arrested for domestic violence all the time.  He sounds like a whimp. Women have to have marks on them as well for someone to get arrested.

Edited December 15, 2021 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

And maybe he should care if she finds out. 

first, because she is his wife and I would assume the mother of his child. Does she not deserve some kind of respect from her husband?

And second, if she has threatened to kill him in his sleep - sneaking around with another woman such that she learns about it coincidentally is probably not a good plan.

He is scared of her - that’s why he refuses to tell her the truth and sneaks around with you behind her back. It’s the only reason, because a man with strength and integrity doesn’t do this.

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Do you think the police are reasonable when it comes to domestic violence? If she actually punched him and he had the marks to prove it could be easier to prove, but even then it's way harder for a man in those situations.

What makes you think that the police would not be reasonable - women can be charged with domestic violence. How is it harder for the man when he is the victim?

You continue to make assumptions…

You want the facts - whether there is enough evidence to lay criminal charges is for the police to decide. But, you know what they will do - call child protective services. There would be an investigation and if abuse is found, the child will be removed from the home. 

Edited December 15, 2021 by BaileyB