LD affair looks like turning into a real relationship and I'm having a lot of anxiety

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He is scared of her - that’s why he refuses to tell her the truth and sneaks around with you behind her back. It’s the only reason, because a man with strength and integrity doesn’t do this.

OP, take not of this^, if he is afraid of her that should go double for you.  If she would hurt someone she loves you can only imagine what she'll do to you.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I would have left long ago too if someone was threatening me like that. However - abusive relationships often don't work like that. People don't always "just leave". It's harder than you think. 

You know this how exactly? 

Some abusive relationships do work exactly like that. The moment a partner threatens the other - that individual makes a plan, leaves, goes to the police and/or a lawyer. Especially when there are children at risk. 

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OP, take not of this^, if he is afraid of her that should go double for you.  If she would hurt someone she loves you can only imagine what she'll do to you.

Well, and why in the world would you want to involve yourself in this situation when you aren’t know the man. Please - even if he was your best friend, lived down the street, and your kids played together - you want to stay far, far away from this situation… You don’t sneak around in a secret sexual relationship with the man while daydreaming about the day he moves out and you can be together…

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[ScientificThoughts]

I think because I am so far away I don't feel I am in the situation so much as just giving him advice or being the person he vents to... I knew she was abusive but not really to this degree. I do not think she loves him though. The whole thing is so confusing actually. I am going to talk to him about some of these things tonight that you all have brought up...She sounds like she needs to get control of her emotions.

I feel like if I broke it off now I would be leaving him with no one there for him. I know that's not really on me or my problem, but when you love someone it's hard to do that. He told me I make him feel like light in the darkness. It sounds cheesy but I know what it's like to be abused and have your spirit beaten down by your spouse. Maybe that's why I have so much empathy. 

I don't really want to break up with him either. If anything I really should have done it before and told him to contact me when he was moved out... but now I feel like I am in too deep and too in love to do that. 

[Mylifeinanutshell]

I don’t understand. If she’s a violent narcissist why the HECK is he planning to leave his child with her alone? What kind of father is he to leave a child alone with somebody who punches people in the face? 
Please call CPS. This child deserves protecting. 

[ScientificThoughts]

7 minutes ago, Mylifeinanutshell said:

I don’t understand. If she’s a violent narcissist why the HECK is he planning to leave his child with her alone? What kind of father is he to leave a child alone with somebody who punches people in the face? 
Please call CPS. This child deserves protecting. 

She didn't actually hit him. She is a good mother from what I've been told. 

[elaine567]

Other people's abusive relationships are something you need to stay out of.
Plenty people have wasted their life trying to help an abused person to find that that person just can't stay away from their abuser...
Playing the "white knight" or the "saviour" can be a thankless endeavour.
There can be an addiction associated with abuse, they can get a high out of the chaos  and the drama. They like the attention, they like playing the victim.
Once "saved" they can get bored, they miss the  excitement even if it is negative or hurtful.
Too many nice, kind, sensitive decent people on here thought they were a so much better option, to find their partner zooms back  to their abusive SO as soon as they are able to do so, or as soon as their abuser clicks their fingers.

See the glee involved in telling you about how his wife tried to punch him...

3 minutes ago, Mylifeinanutshell said:

I don’t understand. If she’s a violent narcissist why the HECK is he planning to leave his child with her alone? What kind of father is he to leave a child alone with somebody who punches people in the face? 
Please call CPS. This child deserves protecting. 

Exacrly.
We in the UK, have had had in the past week two very upsetting cases of child abuse and murder by crazy and cruel women come to court.
Google Star Hobson and Arthur Labinjo-Hughes. It is shocking.

He is letting his child down badly if he leaving his child with an abusive woman...

BUT frankly I think he is fooling you and playing the victim card.
Just about every man in an affair has an abusive and a crazy harridan of a wife...

[mark clemson]

The wife sounds like real treasure, LOL.

Once the threats/emotional venting stuff came up, the idea that he genuinely IS co-dependent makes sense. The "narrative" that he is trying to get out of there and is leaning on you for emotional support and a "safe landing" as he does so makes some sense and is plausible. Also I'm glad you're not the type to victim-blame him, as leaving an abusive relationship is notoriously difficult (and that can certainly go for men as well as women). Here the abuse sounds mild (in my layman's opinion) but it's apparently still there.

Overall it adds up. The questions of whether your relationship will succeed after he leaves and indeed whether he will actually be able to fully leave are open ones, however. As is the question of what his issues might be. (They say "broken attracts broken" and I think there's some truth to that, so unless she's changed over time to an abuser he may himself gravitate towards women like this for some reason.) 

So you'd be wise to keep all that in mind - he might manage to leave, might not. Once successfully out, he might stay with you, might not. He might make a good partner, might not. She might be able to hold access to his kids over his head and once he's gone she might try to turn a lot sweeter and reel him back in. There's been at least one poster here in the last year or so where exactly that happened.

That said, the majority of relationships fail (starting as affair or no) so in that sense you're not taking that much more risk than you would be with any other partner. Nobody's perfect and most adults are going to have some "warts" and "baggage" - that's the reality of dating when you're an adult.

Edited December 15, 2021 by mark clemson

[ScientificThoughts]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Other people's abusive relationships are something you need to stay out of.
Plenty people have wasted their life trying to help an abused person to find that that person just can't stay away from their abuser...
Playing the "white knight" or the "saviour" can be a thankless endeavour.
There can be an addiction associated with abuse, they can get a high out of the chaos  and the drama. They like the attention, they like playing the victim.
Once "saved" they can get bored, they miss the  excitement even if it is negative or hurtful.
Too many nice, kind, sensitive decent people on here thought they were a so much better option, to find their partner zooms back  to their abusive SO as soon as they are able to do so, or as soon as their abuser clicks their fingers.

See the glee involved in telling you about how his wife tried to punch him...

Exacrly.
We in the UK, have had had in the past week two very upsetting cases of child abuse and murder by crazy and cruel women come to court.
Google Star Hobson and Arthur Labinjo-Hughes. It is shocking.

He is letting his child down badly if he leaving his child with an abusive woman...

BUT frankly I think he is fooling you and playing the victim card.
Just about every man in an affair has an abusive and a crazy harridan of a wife...

I hope you are wrong

I have known him a long time and he has never gone back to an ex. But maybe this time it's different because of the abuse cycle, the kid, the marriage and the house?

Sometimes I do ask myself wtf am I doing.... 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Sometimes I do ask myself wtf am I doing.... 

This is excellent. In fact ask yourself this all the time, not just sometimes.

[ScientificThoughts]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

The wife sounds like real treasure, LOL.

Once the threats/emotional venting stuff came up, the idea that he genuinely IS co-dependent makes sense. The "narrative" that he is trying to get out of there and is leaning on you for emotional support and a "safe landing" as he does so makes some sense and is plausible. Also I'm glad you're not the type to victim-blame him, as leaving an abusive relationship is notoriously difficult and that can certainly go for men as well as women. Here the abuse sounds mild (in my layman's opinion) but it's apparently still there.

Overall it adds up. The questions of whether your relationship will succeed after he leaves and indeed whether he will actually be able to fully leave are open ones, however. As is the question of what his issues might be. (They say "broken attracts broken" and I think there's some truth to that, so unless she's changed over time to an abuser he may himself gravitate towards women like this for some reason.) 

So you'd be wise to keep all that in mind - he might manage to leave, might not. Once successfully out, he might stay with you, might not. He might make a good partner, might not. She might be able to hold access to his kids over his head and once he's gone she might try to turn a lot sweeter and reel him back in. There's been at least one poster here in the last year or so where exactly that happened.

That said, the majority of relationships fail (starting as affair or no) so in that sense you're not taking that much more risk than you would be with any other partner. Nobody's perfect and most adults are going to have some "warts" and "baggage" - that's the reality of dating when you're an adult.

Thank you. I appreciate this post so much. 

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I think because I am so far away I don't feel I am in the situation so much as just giving him advice or being the person he vents to...

If she's as violent as you describe don't think distance will stop her from exacting revenge on you.  It's very easy to do with today's technology.

[Mylifeinanutshell]

30 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

She didn't actually hit him. She is a good mother from what I've been told. 

I don’t think she can be a good mother if she’s abusive to their father. Please encourage him to bring the child with him to protect them. And to call the police if she’s abusive again. Once he leaves she may look for someone new to be abusive to. 
 

As Elaine said, here in the U.K. we’ve had two terrible child death cases this week, both involving children from single parents who’ve moved to new partners. Please don’t risk this child’s safety. They’re innocent and need protecting. 
 

If he can’t do that, you should.,

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Mylifeinanutshell said:

I don’t think she can be a good mother if she’s abusive to their father.

Thank you.  Imagine saying a man is a good father but beats his wife.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

the abuse cycle, the kid, the marriage and the house?

Sometimes I do ask myself wtf am I doing.... 

Were you standing there witnessing this alleged "abuse"? He is playing you. You must know that by now.

Do Not call the police. Do Not have this creep abduct his child from the mother. He's the abuser.

Stay Out of their lives. You have no right to accuse anyone of anything based on a cheaters lies.

Abusers. Lie and lie and lie some more including all sorts or heinous allegations against their partners.

This is not different. "My ex is an abusive psycho" is right up there with "we're like roommates".

 

[ScientificThoughts]

17 minutes ago, Mylifeinanutshell said:

I don’t think she can be a good mother if she’s abusive to their father. Please encourage him to bring the child with him to protect them. And to call the police if she’s abusive again. Once he leaves she may look for someone new to be abusive to. 
 

As Elaine said, here in the U.K. we’ve had two terrible child death cases this week, both involving children from single parents who’ve moved to new partners. Please don’t risk this child’s safety. They’re innocent and need protecting. 
 

If he can’t do that, you should.,

Okay well I am going off of what's been said... I also think he should take the kid if she is so abusive. I told him he should record her outbursts because if they are in a custody war it might help. But what do I know. 

[ScientificThoughts]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you standing there witnessing this alleged "abuse"? He is playing you. You must know that by now.

Do Not call the police. Do Not have this creep abduct his child from the mother. He's the abuser.

Stay Out of their lives. You have no right to accuse anyone of anything based on a cheaters lies.

Abusers. Lie and lie and lie some more including all sorts or heinous allegations against their partners.

This is not different. "My ex is an abusive psycho" is right up there with "we're like roommates".

 

I agree with the whole my ex is abusive, room mates etc. You're right. I probably know nothing. I don't think he is abusive though. 

[ScientificThoughts]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If she's as violent as you describe don't think distance will stop her from exacting revenge on you.  It's very easy to do with today's technology.

She doesn't even know who I am I don't think. He has mentioned me previously like in past tense over the years but not recently. His parents and best friend know who I am from before... Actually his best friend knows everything that is going on now that I think of it. The only person on his side that knows about us. 

If and when she does find out about me, it will hopefully not be an issue then... 

[Mylifeinanutshell]

I don’t understand. Is she abusive or isn’t she? Any advice kind of depends on the answer. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

21 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I'm not sure. He did say he doesn't care if she finds out but more that he doesn't want anyone to think badly about me.

If and when she does find out about me, it will hopefully not be an issue then... 

Well according to him it isn't an issue now because he's said he doesn't care if she finds out.  Don't trust him, if she's at all violent she won't think twice about coming after you.  Then again, he could be lying and she's nothing like he describes.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I think because I am so far away I don't feel I am in the situation so much as just giving him advice or being the person he vents to...

I don't really want to break up with him either. 

These two statements are contradictory. Either you are involved with the man or you are not. 

Technically, you are in an emotional that turned sexual affair with a married man. You want to treat it like a dating relationship, a long distance dating relationship at that, but it’s not. 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Mylifeinanutshell said:

Is she abusive or isn’t she? 

A cheater who lies is telling her this. And no, she needs to stay out of this poor women's and child's life not call the cops or CPS or suggest he abduct her. 

He's a lying snake who's using the "my abusive partner" excuse. Cheaters always play victim.

[Mylifeinanutshell]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A cheater who lies is telling her this. And no, she needs to stay out of this poor women's and child's life not call the cops or CPS or suggest he abduct her. 

He's a lying snake who's using the "my abusive partner" excuse. Cheaters always play victim.

It certainly feels like somebody is lying here doesn’t it? Either he’s falsely claiming abuse which makes him the lowest of the low, or he’s willing to leave his child in an abusive household alone which also makes him the lowest of the low.

 

I truly hope it’s the former, because at least then the child is safe. 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Either you are involved with the man or you are not. 

If I may, given the number of excuses you make for this man and the way you position yourself as his emotional support - it would seem that you are more involved than you may care to admit to yourself. 

Moat people who are involved with a married man - or a man that they met online and have only met once - aren’t usually sharing this information with family and friends. Your fantasy has gone much further than you may want to admit when you say - given the distance, I don’t feel like I’m involved in his marital drama… You involved yourself in his marriage the moment that you travelled to have sex with the man. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Mylifeinanutshell said:

Either he’s falsely claiming abuse which makes him the lowest of the low, or he’s willing to leave his child in an abusive household alone which also makes him the lowest of the low.

Agree. It's a lose-lose situation all the way around. However no one witnessed any child abuse or an abusive wife.  They're all lies cheaters tell.

So far this mother an wife have been doing fine except for this lying cheating snake and unfortunately, his gullible lover.

[glows]

6 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

You make very good points. I think we are both on the "star crossed lovers" train and believe w are meant to be together. I have been pretty patient with him and probably will continue to be. I do not know everything that goes on with them or in their house you're right and I definitely don't assume anything that goes on. We've had many conversations about his situation and his wife. 

I am going to be cautious about everything. It's just hard when you want something to happen so badly. I do believe he is going to divorce her it's just going to take time. I am not going to wait forever for him to do that either. I know he is in love with me, and if he truly wants us to have a life together he will do what he needs to. 

This part here is a little tricky. You're still emotionally involved and the longer you're together, the more difficult it'll be to end it so in essence it's more likely that you will be waiting indefinitely. Tell yourself in six months if you're not happy, leave and don't look back. Don't leave this open-ended like that.