Confused and lost after a break up

[Bz77]

I am sorry this is long. I am 23 and dated my ex-partner who is 27 for a year. Our relationship was not perfect, but we had a strong foundation, shared the same values and had so much in common. Although we had not been dating for long, he talked to me about wanting to getting married, having children etc, which made me very excited about the future. He even talked to me about marriage a week before he broke up with me.

Overall, he tried to be a good partner, but there was always so much pressure on as he is in his final year of completing his PhD and has been dealing with personal issues. I was always understanding of his situation, compromised, was supportive and tried my best to be a good partner until the very end. Plans kept getting cancelled, I had to cancel my plans and make time to see him whenever he had time free as I knew if I did not make time, I wouldn’t know when I would see him next, I know he didn’t want me to cancel my plans for him but I wanted to see him. This was not an issue I was a university student as I had more free time than him. But this became an issue when I moved to a city an hour away 3 months ago and started working full time. We had to do long distance which I really struggled with. The plan was to see each other most weekends and work together, FaceTime/call most nights but this rarely happened as he became more stressed with work. My time became limited as I only had weekends free, so he had to compromise too in order for us to see each other. I know he loved me and wanted to see me as much as he could but his main priority was his work.  Not being satisfied in the relationship and made me less supportive than usual and made me speak up about my needs.  Not knowing when I am going to see him next made me feel anxious, I sometimes had to wait 2/3 days before a weekend to get confirmation that we were seeing each other. He would tell me it’s only going to be like this for the next few weeks and then I am all yours, but something came up all the time. In the last few weeks of our relationship, I felt disappointment as plans kept getting cancelled, I did start some silly argument with him, which I now regret now as the final argument resulted in a breakup.

I was struggling with work a lot and wanted a bit more from the relationship. I called him one night to talk to him about how I was feeling again. I was calm, I did not want a break up, I just wanted reassurance that things will get better. He told me that he does not want to do any more as there is so much pressure on him. He told me he wants to break up twice, then apologised and said he wants to fix things, he seemed mentally unstable. Then he got very angry, called me abusive, toxic and many other names, said he wants to break up and hanged up on me. This had happened twice in the past where he had broken up with me due to feeling overwhelmed and then apologised to me for making an impulsive decision. So I did not take the break up seriously. I tried contacting him later on that night, I apologised for the argument and said I felt bad for putting pressure on him and tried to reconcile. I got ignored, I tried contacting him for a few days but got no response, I sent an email apologising, I did everything I could to reach out to him for a week, I also began to worry about his health as I had never got ignored for this long before. I felt so anxious that I had to leave work, I ended up driving an hour to his house as I wanted to know what was going on. He was initially very angry; told me he had a relaxing week where he had more time to work and focus on his hobbies, he spent quality time with his family etc.  After talking to him, he calmed down and told me he was glad I came down to see him and he feels much better but does not want to get back together today as it is not good for him, he needs to focus on his work and does not want any other responsibilities or distractions, he told me his mum has asked him to  forget about his love life until he finishes his PhD in 4 months and did not want to disrespect his mum.  I said everything I could to get him to take me back as I did not want to lose him, especially as he is so close to finishing his PhD. I asked him if he wants me to wait for him, he said no as he does not want the of pressure of someone waiting for him or having to worry about finding a job in order to progress things with me. He told me saying goodnight to me as he had to plan his evening around it (which I thought was ridicules). He said he wants to remain friends for now and keep in touch, he told me he still sometimes sees a future with me. He asked me to tell him if I meet someone or if im not interested in him anymore. I got a message a few hours later saying he has thought about it and got hit with a panic attack, he wants to break up, he does not want to wake up the next day having to think about me as he wants to focus on his work, then he asked me to still tell him if I go on date then quickly changed his mind and asked me not to tell him.  I asked if he still sees a future with me, he said no and asked me to leave him alone as talking about the relationship is “damaging” him.

It has been a month since we last spoke, I feel so hurt and confused. I feel so devalued. I have spent a month blaming myself for the breakup, If I hadn’t told him I wasn’t happy maybe we would still be together, I blame myself for putting pressure on him, I blame myself for talking about being unhappy. I just wanted to see him more, it came from a place of love as I missed him. I keep wondering if what I did was that bad or if he just didn’t want to be with me. Were my expectations too high?

I don’t know if I should wait for him for 4 months to see if he wants patch things up with me or if it is not worth it

[Bz77]

Thank you for the reply. It is a bit too late for that, he has ended the relationship

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I don’t know if I should wait for him for 4 months

Absolutely not, no. It will be a waste of time. 

After three break-ups, this is toast, Bz77. A good relationship doesn't look like this. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Bz77 said:

   Were my expectations too high?

Your expectations as far as a relationship goes are fine. You simply invested in the wrong man.

All you can do is commit to yourself never to chase uninterested men.

That means  anyone who is "busy", "stressed" ,"confused" ,"has to find themselves", "damaged from past", etc.

Basically these are all time wasters dressed up in different packages.

Strive to choose who you want in your life, not passively be chosen by  time wasters.

The best thing to do is be in control of your life and soul and choose more carefully who you allow in.

It's better to cut your losses early  if someone exhibits the type of flaky icy behaviors this guy did.

Make dating a sound investment, not a slot machine hoping to win big.

Dating is a what you see is what you get situation. Don't date "potential" or wait for someone who claims they need to fix themselves/their lives 

Edited October 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Bz77]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Absolutely not, no. It will be a waste of time. 

After three break-ups, this is toast, Bz77. A good relationship doesn't look like this. 

Thank you. I got deleted on social media yesterday.  I have been in denial for some time but this has given me closure.

[Bz77]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That means  anyone who is "busy", "stressed" ,"confused" ,"has to find themselves", "damaged from past", etc.

Basically these are all time wasters dressed up in different packages.

Thank you for your reply. I will look out for these in the future. I was constantly told I was putting too much pressure on him and had high expectations which made me blame myself a lot for things going wrong.

 

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Dating is a what you see is what you get situation. Don't date "potential" or wait for someone who claims they need to fix themselves/their lives 

I have learnt this now. I did always think even though things are not good now, he is a good potential and we could be happy in the future.