Anonymous92 Posted October 20, 2021 Share Posted October 20, 2021 My boyfriend and I have been dating a few months after meeting on Tinder. He’s 37 and divorced in his 20s because his ex got pregnant with another guy. He has been amazing to me and always tells me he just wants to make me happy. He has done A LOT for me and is very supportive. We both never deleted our Tinder, but we never checked them, and I can confirm he didn’t check his. I got charged and went on to delete my profile. My boyfriend had left to go out of town. However, this time our messages were gone, so I assumed he unmatched me. I later found out he added to his bio “out of town visiting family”. I called him and accused him of looking to hook up with someone since our messages were on there the other day. He told me he wasn’t sure how our messages got deleted and that he doesn’t keep messages anyway and that he was only on there because he was showing his cousin the app who was curious about online dating. He only changed the bio to let people know that’s all it was. I said if you don’t want anything to do with me, you could have just told me that. He said if that was true, do you think I would spend all the time I do with you (which he does). He said when would I even have time to hook up with someone else. He got mad at me for accusing him and said I could have gone about it differently. I said can we at least agree to get rid of Tinder. He told me his profile is irrelevant at this point. He is literally one of the best boyfriends I’ve had, so I sent him a message apologizing the next day. He said he appreciated my message and we will talk when he gets home. Since he’s been gone, I put a plant and a card outside on his porch to come home to. We’ve barely spoken since yesterday and he doesn’t come home until late tomorrow. Do you think it was wrong of me to assume that he was planning to cheat? If so, what can I do to repair our relationship? This is our first fight, and I’m nervous he’s going to break up with me. Or do you think he did have intent to cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 20, 2021 Share Posted October 20, 2021 Yes, I think you jumped to a conclusion that isn't really supported. If he wants this relationship to continue, he'll forgive you. If you remain suspicious, watch his behavior - just be sure to not let every little thing have too much influence on your thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 20, 2021 Share Posted October 20, 2021 I can understand why you didn't like it, but yes, I think your assumption he was looking to cheat and confronting him in the way you did was too much. If you've agreed to only see each other I don't know why your profiles are still active though. Two months is early on. Give it some time and see what unfolds without being so confrontational. Over-reacting may make him decide to move on even if he's not being sketchy. If he can't be trusted that will be revealed. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 20, 2021 Share Posted October 20, 2021 That his cousin doesn't know how to set up a Tinder account itself sounds strange. And why not use his cousin's phone and profile to assist rather than update his own profile. He was also overly defensive and got upset with you. A plant and card is over the top for this. Since you've already apologized let it be. Stop apologizing and feeling bad about this. I think it smells fishy. Date and be observant of him and take your time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2021 Share Posted October 20, 2021 5 hours ago, Anonymous92 said: . He only changed the bio to let people know that’s all it was. Sorry this happened. However what "people" on tinder need to know where he is? Why wouldn't he post on social media or message specific people that he'll be “out of town visiting family”? You weren't wring noticing this as a red flag. See what happens but keep your eyes wide open. Do not take the bait and keep apologizing for legitimate concerns. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) On 10/20/2021 at 10:41 AM, Anonymous92 said: Do you think it was wrong of me to assume that he was planning to cheat? Yes. That means you haven't processed out your past relationship issues and have brought that luggage into this one for him to own and sort. That's your heavy lift to deal with, not him. Accusing him of cheating is way beyond the pale. Quote If so, what can I do to repair our relationship? Apologize for starters. Then make an appointment with a therapist to deal with your issues. Quote This is our first fight, and I’m nervous he’s going to break up with me. This would be my go-to move. Being accused, without any basis, of cheating this early on is damaging to any forward progress. You've given him good reason to stop and reconsider. Quote Or do you think he did have intent to cheat? You really do want to believe that is true--and you need to examine with a therapist why you're clinging onto that like a life raft in the middle of the ocean. Have you two agreed on exclusivity or are you just talking and hooking up, sexually? Edited October 21, 2021 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 His story sounds like BS. There should be zero reason for him to update his tinder profile. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) You are way overly invested in a guy you have only dated for 2 months. You can't possibly know someone in that amount of time. You seem vulnerable/weakened just by a guy telling you sweet nothings. That is a big red flag. You have a loss of control. That should tell you, you are not ready to date yet. If things are suspect, you don't go psychotic on them and try and smooth things over with a card and a plant. Sounds crazy? It is. This is not a healthy situation for you and you need to take yourself out of it. Dump this guy. Something is not right about any of this. Take a good read on your post as if you were reading about someone else.....desperation is what you would see right? Edited October 27, 2021 by smackie9 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 What a liar! You can hide your profile and still show how Tinder works...everything works but the profile itself. He deleted the messages to cover his tracks. Yes he is looking to cheat. Can't believe posters are saying otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 On 10/20/2021 at 11:41 AM, Anonymous92 said: He got mad at me for accusing him and said I could have gone about it differently. I said can we at least agree to get rid of Tinder. He told me his profile is irrelevant at this point. His excuse doesn't add up but I agree with him. I wouldn't take kindly to a date telling me to delete Tinder or anything else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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