Married but sleeping in separate rooms

[zig]

My wife and I recently started talking about sleeping in separate rooms.  We have different times when we go to bed and wake up.  When she comes to bed at night she wakes me up and when I get up in the morning I wake her up.  To make things worse I also snore.  There are also times that my wife likes to stay up in bed on her phone which keeps me up.  The point is we are both a little exhausted and are getting irritated with each other.  At first I was hesitant because I don't want anything that will pull us apart.  But I started thinking about it, maybe it makes sense if it helps us be better rested and less irritated with each other.  But I'm also concerned that we will have less sex if we aren't going to bed together each night but again,  I'm not so sure that would be the case.  We have sex 1-2 times a week and it's not always at bedtime or at night anyway.

So I'm here to ask if you, or anyone you know sleeps in separate rooms but still has a loving, caring, sexual relationship.  I just always assumed when a couple doesn't sleep together that is the first red flag that something is wrong.  I'm questioning that logic and thinking maybe conforming to that dogma could be causing us more harm than good.  What do you think?  Slippery Slope or not?

         

[Happy Lemming]

My girlfriend of 10 years recently moved in with me.  We have separate bedrooms because she uses a CPAP machine.  I am a very light sleeper and that machine keeps me awake.  Prior to her moving in (when she would stay at my place for extended periods of time) we slept in separate bedrooms, again because of the CPAP machine.

Having separate bedrooms has not affected our sex life in the least nor caused any issues or problems in our relationship.

She also likes to sleep late, where I am an early riser.  So I can get up and start my day and she can continue to sleep.

For the record, we are older (55+) and we are both retired.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, zig said:

.  To make things worse I also snore.  

A slippery slope is not addressing the real issue of bad sleep.

Why create a situation that breeds resentment and grumpiness?

Separate bedrooms and quality/quantity of sex are unrelated.

Think about how good the sex was before all this forced marital drudgery.

 

[Blind-Sided]

I've known a few couple who had separate bedrooms. They seemed happy.  I guess as long as you keep the relationship healthy, and don't let it turn into "Room mates" it should be fine. 

[mark clemson]

Every couple is a bit different. Sometimes it's a sign of "turbulence," lack of intimacy, and/or emotional disconnect, but by no means always. There are plenty of couples that do this and get along just fine.

Here you have good reasons for it + there's a quite reasonable level of intimacy being maintained, so I'd say it's a positive in that it makes the relationship work better for you both.

Edited October 21, 2021 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, zig said:

 At first I was hesitant because I don't want anything that will pull us apart.

I guess it was her idea?

[jwi71]

Not unheard of.

I, and this of course is anecdote, know of a couple who have been married decades...and spent the vast majority of in separate bedrooms.  3 kids too.

It wouldn't personally work for me but, as above, it certainly can.

[Daisydooks]

On 10/20/2021 at 6:55 PM, zig said:

My wife and I recently started talking about sleeping in separate rooms.  We have different times when we go to bed and wake up.  When she comes to bed at night she wakes me up and when I get up in the morning I wake her up.  To make things worse I also snore.  There are also times that my wife likes to stay up in bed on her phone which keeps me up.  The point is we are both a little exhausted and are getting irritated with each other.  At first I was hesitant because I don't want anything that will pull us apart.  But I started thinking about it, maybe it makes sense if it helps us be better rested and less irritated with each other.  But I'm also concerned that we will have less sex if we aren't going to bed together each night but again,  I'm not so sure that would be the case.  We have sex 1-2 times a week and it's not always at bedtime or at night anyway.

So I'm here to ask if you, or anyone you know sleeps in separate rooms but still has a loving, caring, sexual relationship.  I just always assumed when a couple doesn't sleep together that is the first red flag that something is wrong.  I'm questioning that logic and thinking maybe conforming to that dogma could be causing us more harm than good.  What do you think?  Slippery Slope or not?

         

My husband and I have never slept together well. 

So we dont. Lol!!!!!

We have been engaged, married, conceived a few times, etc., since moving in together a few years ago. It works for us and we both get a good sleep which we both desperately need. Just because we dont sleep together doesnt mean our relationship suffers. 

Sometimes on weekends when its less important to get proper sleep or we can sleep in a bit/be lazy, we do attempt to sleep together but one of us always moves and goes to our own bed around 2 or 3 am. 

[Irock]

Separate bedrooms.. he's upstairs.. I'm downstairs.. been this way for ....since 2012

[S2B]

If it works for you - then do that.

don’t let “social norms” dictate your household. It should work for both of you…when it doesn’t then change it again.

[submart]

My husband and I have never slept in the same bed except a couple times early in the relationship. We mutually decided while dating that we are both very light sleepers, move around a lot, and go to bed/get up at different times. When we got married five years ago we got a house without a master suite so neither of us would have a "better room".  We have separate bedrooms side by side. We have had zero issues. My husband "tucks" me in every night via a kiss and brief snuggle.  Sex life has never been affected. Sleep quality for both of us is excellent. The only time we sleep in the same room is when we stay at hotels. And we also get two beds. We are in our late 30's and early 40's. 

[Els]

Depends on how both of you feel about it. H and I have slept in separate rooms for specific periods of time (e.g. when he was on night shift and it was crunch time at work for me), but never permanently. It's not about less sex or anything like that (FWIW, I think that sleeping in the same bed and sex are generally unrelated, we almost never have sex when both of us are actually sleepy), but about the fact that we just find that sleeping together boosts emotional intimacy. Of course in some circumstances the practical benefits override this disadvantage, but I think we would probably try everything else first before arriving at this conclusion permanently.

If both of you feel OK with it, then by all means do so. But if you don't want to, you have options. Have you sought professional treatment for your snoring, for instance?

[Tinie]

My parents have been (and still are) happily married 30 years, and have had separate bedrooms for the last 10 or 15 years. My dad goes to bed early and gets up early for work, and my mom (who is a housewife) goes to bed a few hours later than him and gets up several hours after he does, so they have this arrangement not to wake each other up. They're very close to each other, and spend a lot of time together especially now that they're empty nesters. I don't think separate bedrooms is an indication of a bad marriage, although an ignorant ex-boyfriend had asked me judgey questions about my parents' sleeping arrangements before, so I guess some people have a blanket negative impression about separate bedrooms.