Moonful Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I come from a relatively well-off family and he does not. We live in an apartment bought by my Dad (the apartment is in my name). Currently my partner works full-time in construction and earns about £300 weekly, I am a student from home (paid for by my Dad) and get an allowance from my Dad of £1000 per month. We get utility bills and internet which are around £150-£250 per month depending, these are bills I pay from my allowance money. Food shopping is paid for by my parents. My partner also has a loan for his car which he pays off around £200 per month. Occasionally I pay for my partner's phone bill which is £20 every 6 weeks or so. I don't know if I have a right to be annoyed but if he needs/wants to buy anything of a substantial amount (say over £100) he will ask me to buy it and he will pay me back, which he does most of the time (he has about £1300 outstanding). So yesterday I paid for some work boots for him which were £120 and he said he would pay me back when he gets his tax rebate paid which is £2000. But today, I have seen in his emails that during this month alone he has spent £90 on an app (some stupid game he plays)... My question is, do I have a right to be annoyed here? Feels like I'm perhaps being taken for a mug? I also do everything around the house, walk our two dogs, feed them etc. I don't know how to bring this all up with him... Help please! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 7 minutes ago, Moonful said: Feels like I'm perhaps being taken for a mug? I also do everything around the house, walk our two dogs, feed them etc. Stop trying to buy love. He's using you and you not only allow it but encourage it. Why play martyr? There's nothing to bring up. He uses you and you encourage it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moonful Posted October 21, 2021 Author Share Posted October 21, 2021 23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Stop trying to buy love. He's using you and you not only allow it but encourage it. Why play martyr? There's nothing to bring up. He uses you and you encourage it. So what do you suggest I do if not bring it up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 33 minutes ago, Moonful said: So what do you suggest I do if not bring it up? Don't throw money at a guy just to keep him around. Make sure you're not "slumming" to have power and control over someone. That's what it sounds like you are doing. This is not his problem, it's yours so why speak to him about it? Develop the self respect and respect for other people so that your relationships are equatable and based on love and good will, not how much of dads money you can throw around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 I don't understand why you are carrying along this useless piece of baggage. He's getting free rent, free utilities and Internet, free food, and is still borrowing money from you. What exactly is he spending his income on? Why doesn't he find a job making more money? This guy sounds like a loser -- you have every right to be annoyed. Please stop giving him money. Also, he should be splitting the utilities and Internet costs with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) Does he have debts he's repaying? He pays no bills except car payment so why can't he clear that outstanding amount with you right now? Sort out what he owes you and come up with a better way to split expenses. Most importantly find out or decide if you're in this together for the long haul. Otherwise, why are you living together? Edited October 21, 2021 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 Easy to tell others how to save their pennies when one has never had to do it themselves. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 Maybe he just doesn't know how to budget his money. Have you tried to sit down and help him prepare a budget?? Once completed, he needs to be adult enough to stick to it (and not spend 90 pounds [$124.15] on a game, I cringe at that sort of waste, especially when priorities need to be purchased - work boots) No... don't lend him money for his work boots, tell him to budget that expenditure into his monthly costs. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 Umm, stop buying things for him. There is absolutely no reason why you should be doing that. He is already getting free rent, utility bills and food shopping paid for by you and your Dad. He does work full time, so anything else that he wants he should be responsible for himself. It's ridiculous that he's asking you to buy things for him. Just tell him you will not be doing that anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 15 hours ago, Moonful said: I am a student from home (paid for by my Dad) and get an allowance from my Dad of £1000 per month. Ah that sounds a decent Dad, I still dream ill have a daughter and be doing that type of thing for her in the future, Yes not sure what to say on your boyfriend, I suppose if he always pays you back and your relationship is good otherwise, you can tolerate it, but he clearly sees you have a bit of money behind you and it is wrong if he is taking advantage of that, How is your relationship in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 (edited) You have a right to ask for your money to be promptly repaid. That's fair and actually quite good for the relationship, even if he objects. What you don't want to be doing (what many people would say is a boundary violation) is to say you saw that he spent money on X & Y. That's his business what he spends his money on. Your business is that you have a right to prompt repayment of any loans to him. You set the expectation and boundary there, and it's up to him to figure out how to meet that requirement. There's a bigger problem here. Mentioning that you saw that he spent money on an app is only a copout, a way of avoiding the direct and important issue, which is that he is slow at paying you back--is he even paying you back? That's the issue. Well actually there's probably a more important issue still out there, which you are avoiding. Maybe you don't want to loan him money at all! If that's your position, say so. That's honest and in integrity. Here's what I imagine you could do: basically you have to put a cap on loaning him money. Like $100. If he goes over that, you don't loan him any more money. He needs to get an extra job or cut expenses somehow. He pays you the $100, and the balance returns to 0. Right now, his debt to you is just going to get bigger and bigger, and along with that your resentment is just going to grow and grow--if you don't set some boundaries and get clear on what feels right to you and stand by that. And btw: the fact that you are bothered by his debt says that you don't trust the way he is living. You guys haven't agreed honestly on who pays for what. One partner often pays for more than the other. But this needs to be upfront, direct, public and in the open. And the one who is paying more of the expenses should not feel used. Edited October 22, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 8 hours ago, ShyViolet said: stop buying things for him. There is absolutely no reason why you should be doing that. Agree. It's not about money. It's about a power differential. Find an equal so you don't feel "used". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 I dunno, this is a very difficult situation IMO. If your boyfriend was just unemployed the entire 8 years, that would be an easy decision, kick him to the curb. But he is apparently working full time and has been for the entirety of your 8 years together. Why is he being paid so little? I understand that he works in construction, but surely the UK has a minimum wage? I think it's an awful shame that a hardworking person who is employed full-time is being paid so little that there's no way they can afford to live on their own. Probably the thing that I would do in your situation is to ask him to pick up more of the household chores in exchange, so that you don't feel put upon. You shouldn't be doing the majority of the chores AND paying the majority of the costs. He should be doing a comparable amount of household chores for the financial help he is getting, so if he's paying for 10% of the costs, he should be doing 90% of the chores. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 (edited) On 10/21/2021 at 3:31 AM, Moonful said: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I come from a relatively well-off family and he does not. We live in an apartment bought by my Dad (the apartment is in my name). Currently my partner works full-time in construction and earns about £300 weekly, I am a student from home (paid for by my Dad) and get an allowance from my Dad of £1000 per month. We get utility bills and internet which are around £150-£250 per month depending, these are bills I pay from my allowance money. Food shopping is paid for by my parents. My partner also has a loan for his car which he pays off around £200 per month. Occasionally I pay for my partner's phone bill which is £20 every 6 weeks or so. I don't know if I have a right to be annoyed but if he needs/wants to buy anything of a substantial amount (say over £100) he will ask me to buy it and he will pay me back, which he does most of the time (he has about £1300 outstanding). So yesterday I paid for some work boots for him which were £120 and he said he would pay me back when he gets his tax rebate paid which is £2000. But today, I have seen in his emails that during this month alone he has spent £90 on an app (some stupid game he plays)... My question is, do I have a right to be annoyed here? Feels like I'm perhaps being taken for a mug? I also do everything around the house, walk our two dogs, feed them etc. I don't know how to bring this all up with him... Help please! Yes, you should be annoyed and fed up taking care of a grown man. I don't think you're trying to buy love at all, but instead are being too accommodating of his immaturity. Funny how a woman using a man's resources gets labeled as a greedy gold-digger, case closed. Edited November 2, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted November 12, 2021 Share Posted November 12, 2021 (edited) On 10/21/2021 at 4:31 AM, Moonful said: We get utility bills and internet which are around £150-£250 per month depending, these are bills I pay from my allowance money. Food shopping is paid for by my parents. Occasionally I pay for my partner's phone bill which is £20 every 6 weeks or so. You sound a lot like a Wendy and him a Peterpan. All Wendy's money going to the rent, food, utilities, phone bills, etc, ya know all the boring grown up stuff and all Peterpan's money go towards his Car, internet games, comics, etc ya know the fun stuff. He needs to pay his fair share or get out. If he's not married to you, he need to pay you some rent, don't matter if you own the apartment, he want to stay, he needs to pay you something, also half of the utilizes, and food costs. Sounds like to me he has a nice set up, you pay for all the adult crap and he gets to play Peterpan. I have a girlfriend I'm engaged to now and she pays me "rent". Actually it's not enough to cover all the additional costs associated with her living with me, but it' helps. I pay $300 additional a month on my health insurance for having her on my plan, $100 on additional gas driving her to work every day, Not to mention the additional 1,000 miles I put on my car every month, higher grocery bills as well. Edited November 12, 2021 by AngryGromit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 (edited) Why stay with him? He’s been using you as his atm machine. he owes you $1300 and still asks for money for a work necessity (boots)! What would he do if you didn’t constantly fund him? Has it been this way all of the 8 years? Has he ever been a responsible adult? he can grow up! He should move out -pay rent like most adults and learn to budget! He should also find a better paying job. he spends money on games! When he owes you $1300! I’d be mad. You should be mad! You know why you aren’t mad yet? Because it’s not money you worked hard to earn! but wait until you work hard to earn that money and he just spends it all - then you’ll be really mad! you’re lucky your Dad funds you - but I bet he doesn’t realize he’s also funding your boyfriends mooching. Have you talked to your Dad about your concerns? You should. Edited November 13, 2021 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
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