My Sister Has Become a Stranger, Not Sure What to do?

[Alpacalia]

My sister is having a crisis (I think) and hasn't spoken to any of her family members (except for my father) in several months. We've tried calling her, writing, but she won't respond to us and she doesn't live close enough where we can just drive on over.

I'm worried because my mother is getting older and misses talking to her, as do we all, and she (my mother) recently had some health difficulties and didn't call to see how my mother was doing, which is unusual for her.

It’s also upsetting that she keeps asking my father to come watch her children while she is in Mexico with her best friend. She's just recently asked him again and while my father has been vaccinated, my sister refuses, and I'm worried she'll make my father sick, despite the fact that the chances are minimal.

It's as though her personality has completely changed.

My sister has always been a very giving and loving individual so this is highly unusual.

Is this the kind of thing that just goes away on its own?

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

 she keeps asking my father to come watch her children while she is in Mexico with her best friend. 

Does your father know what's up with her?

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does your father know what's up with her?

We all "kind of" do.

I'm not sure whether she's embarrassed or what, but she's stopped talking with us. I know it's not my place, but her flying off to Mexico every month can't be the answer.

I'm not sure if I should leave it alone and stay out of it, or if I should jet over there and say, "Look, you can't shut your family out."

[Wiseman2]

What's in Mexico? Has the estrangement been since this is going on?

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

We all "kind of" do.

So what is up with her?

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What's in Mexico? Has the estrangement been since this is going on?

Yes, the estrangement with us has been since this has been going on.

I can only suspect it's someone she is involved with in a relationship but I am not 100% sure. I know she mentioned months ago to my mom in a text that her life is a mess right now so who knows.

I'm worried about her, and her refusal to communicate with us for months is troubling.

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

So what is up with her?

I think it's what I mentioned above.

 

[elaine567]

Yes it may be a new "friend", but why the estrangement? 
Would none of you approve?
Has there been a big falling out.

If not then my first thought is that she may be  ill and she is getting specialised treatment in Mexico perhaps.
It may be serious and she doesn't want to upset you... only confiding in her best friend and your father. 

[Happy Lemming]

I haven't spoke to my sister in over 25 years.  It has not affected my life in the least and I am much better off (not having her in my life).

Your father is an adult and can make decisions for himself.  He may decide that he no longer wants to watch the kids while she jets off to Mexico.  I'm sure he knows the (Covid-19) health risks and if not he can discuss them with his doctor.

All you can control is your own actions.  If her behavior upsets you, cut her out of your life. 

I don't allow people in to my world that cause me angst (family or not).

As a side note, if you think she is doing something illegal in Mexico (being a mule for drugs or similar) then it would be best to sever ties and distance yourself from her and the situation.  Getting caught up in her "deal" could cost you money and your freedom.

Edited October 21, 2021 by Happy Lemming

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

if you think she is doing something illegal in Mexico (being a mule for drugs or similar) then it would be best to sever ties and distance yourself from her and the situation.  

Unfortunately, that crosses my mind as well. Strange behavior coupled with these trips doesn't sound good.  Focus on being there for both your parents as well as other family. 

Does she have social media or other ways of viewing what her life is about lately? Have you googled her last address, workplace, phone number, names of BFs, child's father, etc?

 

Edited October 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Yes it may be a new "friend", but why the estrangement? 
Would none of you approve?
Has there been a big falling out.

If not then my first thought is that she may be  ill and she is getting specialised treatment in Mexico perhaps.
It may be serious and she doesn't want to upset you... only confiding in her best friend and your father. 

I certainly hope she isn't sick; I know she recently had Covid.

The estrangement is the part I don't get.

I'm perplexed because we've always been a close-knit family.

She hasn't had a falling out with any of us, but she did recently divorce, so perhaps she's just going through a mid-life thing?

I'm hoping she'll reach out when she's ready.

 

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she have social media or other ways of viewing what her life is about lately? Have you googled her last address, workplace, phone number, names of BFs, child's father, etc?

Yes, she has social media but she just posts happy pictures from her trips to Mexico with her best friend and pictures of her kids.

I know all the other stuff - where she lives, workplace, phone number, etc.

She was married for 17 years so that's the only ex that I know of.

[Happy Lemming]

39 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I can only suspect it's someone she is involved with in a relationship but I am not 100% sure.

 

You don't have to travel to Mexico to find a guy to date. 

There is a reason she is going to Mexico (multiple times) and I fear it is something nefarious (which may be the reason why she is leaving her kids behind) when she crosses the border.  

The social media and pictures (posted) are a good cover for multiple trips and looking like a "happy vacationer".

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You don't have to travel to Mexico to find a guy to date. 

There is a reason she is going to Mexico (multiple times) and I fear it is something nefarious (which may be the reason why she is leaving her kids behind) when she crosses the border.  

The social media and pictures (posted) are a good cover for multiple trips and looking like a "happy vacationer".

I don't believe it's because of drugs.

However, at this point, anything is possible.

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

As a side note, if you think she is doing something illegal in Mexico (being a mule for drugs or similar) then it would be best to sever ties and distance yourself from her and the situation.  Getting caught up in her "deal" could cost you money and your freedom.

This was my first thought, too.

I'm estranged from some of my siblings. I don't give it a second thought because contact with them would not add value to my life, but it could certainly add toxicity. 

[mark clemson]

If there is a new partner (or even a friend, possibly??) who is being controlling/cutting her off from family that would be an issue that she might need external help with. However it's not clear whether that's actually what's going on.

Beyond that, people sometimes do turn odd corners in life and change, sometimes even rather suddenly. I've seen it happen with a person I know where his wife suddenly became very "estranged" (and strange behavior-wise) and they ended up divorcing. There's certainly no guarantee that whatever is going on with your sister will be that bad, though.

Sometimes there isn't much one can do except keep an open mind and be ready to "take them back" once they sort through whatever it is that's going on with them.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, she has social media but she just posts happy pictures from her trips to Mexico with her best friend and pictures of her kids.

I take it her best friend is a woman.
Could they be in a relationship and she is scared of coming out?

Edited October 21, 2021 by elaine567

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I take it her best friend is a woman.
Could they be in a relationship and she is scared of coming out?

That did occur to me.

Whatever the case may be with her, I'm confident she'll figure it out someday.

Thank you very much everyone.

[dramafreezone]

I wouldn't make any assumptions.  All you can do as a family member is be available.  Cannot make her communicate.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, she has social media but she just posts happy pictures from her trips to Mexico with her best friend and pictures of her kids.

Ok. Then she's alright and just living her life. Your father seems ok with it as well. Maybe she doesn't get along with some family and that's ok too.

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Then she's alright and just living her life. Your father seems ok with it as well. Maybe she doesn't get along with some family and that's ok too.

Yes, my father is pretty easy going.

Where the rest of us are like, what the hay? 

Any who, thanks!

That is why you are known as the Wiseman.

😊 

[glows]

When you call and write to her what are you asking? 

Something I appreciated during my separation and divorce is that my family/loved ones or friends would invite me or include me in outtings, conversations, group chats during Covid but I had the option of not going if I didn't feel well. This made me feel included and thought of but I had the freedom not to go or not participate. I didn't get told what to do and no one asked too many questions. They expected me to get through it (they did not expect me to crumble in crisis) and that's the confidence I needed from those closest to me. 

I can't speak for your sister but I think it's better to have some faith in her and confidence in her or her choices too. As frustrating as this is, let her come to you. 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

When you call and write to her what are you asking? 

Something I appreciated during my separation and divorce is that my family/loved ones or friends would invite me or include me in outtings, conversations, group chats during Covid but I had the option of not going if I didn't feel well. This made me feel included and thought of but I had the freedom not to go or not participate. I didn't get told what to do and no one asked too many questions. They expected me to get through it (they did not expect me to crumble in crisis) and that's the confidence I needed from those closest to me. 

I can't speak for your sister but I think it's better to have some faith in her and confidence in her or her choices too. As frustrating as this is, let her come to you. 

"Hey, just calling to say hello,"

Things like that. 

I only wrote her once, simply to let her know I was thinking of her and hoped she was doing well, and to invite her to a cousin get-together last month.

She used to chat to my Mother once a week, but she hasn't spoken to her in 4-5 months.

There's a lot I didn't say in order to keep some details of hers private.

But, yes, I'm confident she'll come to us when she's ready.

Thanks glows!

 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

She used to chat to my Mother once a week, but she hasn't spoken to her in 4-5 months.

That's good of you to invite her to the cousin get together. This part not speaking with your mother would be most confusing in addition to the photos on social media. I'd carry on. Invite her to outtings and let her decline if she's not ready or doesn't want to. You seem like a good sister and you both had a relationship before all this so it's doubtful it won't go back to the way it was with time.

[Alpacalia]

Well my sister finally came up for air.

She said she doesn't want to talk to anyone right now because she can't "deal with anyone else's problems."

Then she invited my Dad and myself to her house for Christmas while she travels/will be away in Mexico.

So, I think I'll do that. It will be nice to spend Christmas with my father just him and I.

 

[Angelle]

On 10/21/2021 at 9:45 AM, Happy Lemming said:

I haven't spoke to my sister in over 25 years.  It has not affected my life in the least and I am much better off (not having her in my life).

 

Then you are lucky. My relationship with my sister ended up being horrific, but I miss the years when it wasn't, and when she was my best friend.

I think it's normal to be concerned, and don't understand this "she's an adult, it's normal to separate entirely from people you love" attitude. If her attitude has done a 180, and she isn't acting like herself, it's normal to be concerned.