Pain of ex moving on

[Ldog92]

Good morning guys! You may remember a thread I started a few weeks ago. Here’s the contents of it below. I’ll share my new issues at the bottom. I had some amazing replies that helped and I am just looking for some more guidance. 

“I was with my ex for 6/7 years and we have 2 children together. It was a long distance relationship so we only saw each other once a month. It was a very argumentative relationship and we both weren’t truly happy, although we did laugh and joke a lot. We decided to split and go separate ways officially at the beginning of 2020, but we remained in contact because of the kids of course. However, in the past 3/4 months we decided to give it another go, and I moved in with her and our kids. It’s something I always wanted even when we were apart, to give it another go properly and see if we could make it work as I knew I still loved her, but she wasn’t sure she still loved me, and she said she didn’t. 

 

It didn’t take long before old ways started creeping in, and the arguments came back. She can be very very volatile and nasty in arguments, and it made me realise I didn’t think it was going to last and I wasn’t 100% sure I was even happy. She made it clear she wasn’t happy at all, and wanted to split again. When we decided to call it a day again, I didn’t think I was that bothered as the 2/3 months living with her had been so stressful, and there were lots of arguments. I gave it a go, it didn’t work, and it just wasn’t a good relationship. But I knew I still had something there for her.

 

Just over a month from the split, she’s now with someone already, and she insists she isn’t in love with me, and I never made her happy, and she’s now happy with this guy and it feels right. I have now slipped back into how I was before we gave it another go, and I can’t stop thinking about her, and especially her moving on. It eats me up all the time. But what’s so frustrating is when I was in the relationship I simply wasn’t truly happy, and the arguments and how nasty she was, was awful. My family think I’m absolutely insane for still thinking about her and wanting her back, they feel I’ve had a lucky escape, and I totally get why they think that.

 

It worries me though to think though why am I thinking like this again, trapped in my mind? Considering we gave it another go which is what I always wanted, and it just didn’t work. Am I just a jealous person, and I don’t want to have my ex in a relationship but I don’t want anyone else to have her, or her to be happy with someone that’s not me? That’s a really bad trait to have I know, but I can’t explain why I now want her again, or can’t stop thinking about her. When the relationship just really didn’t work for us. I feel so so weak, like it frustrates me why I think this. Since March 2020, I’ve been stuck working from home, with my family, and I don’t have many friends! So a big part of me thinks it’s only because I feel lonely again I feel this way 

 

I did go to therapy before, and when my therapist heard my story she said one thing that stuck with me. She said “it isn’t about your ex specifically it’s about you, if it wasn’t your ex it’d be another girl you make it about.” And that rings true! But I’m just so interested in what you guys think!”

So today I’ve had a convo with my ex about my child’s parents evening. It went well and was civilised. Then we just got into a chat about how each other was, and we went into detail about her and her new relationship. I’ll outline the details of what she told me.

They have now been together for around 6 weeks, and this is what’s happened during this time. He is now practically living with my ex and our children. He has already asked my ex’s parents for their blessing in them two getting married, although they are not engaged yet my ex said they will be relatively soon. They are looking at moving in together next year in a new place. She also said once they’re married, they do plan on having a few kids together. Which knocked me sideways as she said she never wanted more kids with another man, so this has really hurt me. She also explained how he’s her soul mate, and such a calming influence on her which is exactly what she needs, probably as you can tell from me explaining her above and her volatile side. She sounded on the phone so calm and content and she said how happy she was and as she’s so happy she wants to hold onto this and not let it so.

Although in some ways it was good to be able to speak to my ex as a friend, and get on with no arguments. The contents of the convo and what was discussed have completely smashed me mentally. The fact that just over 2 months ago I was living with her, and okay the relationship had failed, all of this just seems to be moving at an absurd pace. But this sums my ex up, and I know it’s really none of my business how fast they move it’s just dented me mentally. I should add here I know that so many people will think this was clearly going on whilst I was with her, but I questioned all of this and she assured me it wasn’t. So I do believe her on that one.
 

I am almost ashamed to admit it, but as I work from home and don’t go out much, I don’t have friends that can take my mind of it, my ex and her new relationship consumes my mind I’d say 80% of the day, if not more. She appears in my dreams practically every night, because of how much she’s in my mind when I’m awake. I’ve tried therapy which I don’t think really worked, and I’m currently writing down on paper reasons me and the ex didn’t work. I’m really at a loss right now in my life, I just do not see a day coming where I feel at peace with the situation. I don’t see a day where I’ll be released from thinking about my ex day in day out. 
 

What truly hurts is the fact that when we were together as I mentioned previously we just did not work out. There was too much history and toxicity for us to work. So why do I feel the way I do knowing we didn’t work. Is it a jealousy thing? It’s the first time in 7 years one of us have truly moved on in another relationship, and she’s saying this guy of 2 months is her soul mate. So am I green with envy that it’s not me, and my ego has been shattered? 
 

Any advice or comments would be truly appreciated. There’s many wise and intelligent people on here, so please hit me with your thoughts.

Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ldog92 said:

So today I’ve had a convo with my ex about my child’s parents evening. It went well and was civilised. Then we just got into a chat about how each other was, and we went into detail about her and her new relationship.

Only discuss co-parenting. There's no need to talk about each other's love lives.

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

  He is now practically living with my ex and our children.

He has already asked my ex’s parents for their blessing in them two getting married, although they are not engaged yet my ex said they will be relatively soon.

They are looking at moving in together next year in a new place.

She also said once they’re married, they do plan on having a few kids together.

She also explained how he’s her soul mate,

Everything is always rainbows and unicorns up to the 6 week mark...

 

[Maldives]

On 10/21/2021 at 8:32 PM, Ldog92 said:

Good morning guys! You may remember a thread I started a few weeks ago. Here’s the contents of it below. I’ll share my new issues at the bottom. I had some amazing replies that helped and I am just looking for some more guidance. 

“I was with my ex for 6/7 years and we have 2 children together. It was a long distance relationship so we only saw each other once a month. It was a very argumentative relationship and we both weren’t truly happy, although we did laugh and joke a lot. We decided to split and go separate ways officially at the beginning of 2020, but we remained in contact because of the kids of course. However, in the past 3/4 months we decided to give it another go, and I moved in with her and our kids. It’s something I always wanted even when we were apart, to give it another go properly and see if we could make it work as I knew I still loved her, but she wasn’t sure she still loved me, and she said she didn’t. 

 

It didn’t take long before old ways started creeping in, and the arguments came back. She can be very very volatile and nasty in arguments, and it made me realise I didn’t think it was going to last and I wasn’t 100% sure I was even happy. She made it clear she wasn’t happy at all, and wanted to split again. When we decided to call it a day again, I didn’t think I was that bothered as the 2/3 months living with her had been so stressful, and there were lots of arguments. I gave it a go, it didn’t work, and it just wasn’t a good relationship. But I knew I still had something there for her.

 

Just over a month from the split, she’s now with someone already, and she insists she isn’t in love with me, and I never made her happy, and she’s now happy with this guy and it feels right. I have now slipped back into how I was before we gave it another go, and I can’t stop thinking about her, and especially her moving on. It eats me up all the time. But what’s so frustrating is when I was in the relationship I simply wasn’t truly happy, and the arguments and how nasty she was, was awful. My family think I’m absolutely insane for still thinking about her and wanting her back, they feel I’ve had a lucky escape, and I totally get why they think that.

 

It worries me though to think though why am I thinking like this again, trapped in my mind? Considering we gave it another go which is what I always wanted, and it just didn’t work. Am I just a jealous person, and I don’t want to have my ex in a relationship but I don’t want anyone else to have her, or her to be happy with someone that’s not me? That’s a really bad trait to have I know, but I can’t explain why I now want her again, or can’t stop thinking about her. When the relationship just really didn’t work for us. I feel so so weak, like it frustrates me why I think this. Since March 2020, I’ve been stuck working from home, with my family, and I don’t have many friends! So a big part of me thinks it’s only because I feel lonely again I feel this way 

 

I did go to therapy before, and when my therapist heard my story she said one thing that stuck with me. She said “it isn’t about your ex specifically it’s about you, if it wasn’t your ex it’d be another girl you make it about.” And that rings true! But I’m just so interested in what you guys think!”

So today I’ve had a convo with my ex about my child’s parents evening. It went well and was civilised. Then we just got into a chat about how each other was, and we went into detail about her and her new relationship. I’ll outline the details of what she told me.

They have now been together for around 6 weeks, and this is what’s happened during this time. He is now practically living with my ex and our children. He has already asked my ex’s parents for their blessing in them two getting married, although they are not engaged yet my ex said they will be relatively soon. They are looking at moving in together next year in a new place. She also said once they’re married, they do plan on having a few kids together. Which knocked me sideways as she said she never wanted more kids with another man, so this has really hurt me. She also explained how he’s her soul mate, and such a calming influence on her which is exactly what she needs, probably as you can tell from me explaining her above and her volatile side. She sounded on the phone so calm and content and she said how happy she was and as she’s so happy she wants to hold onto this and not let it so.

Although in some ways it was good to be able to speak to my ex as a friend, and get on with no arguments. The contents of the convo and what was discussed have completely smashed me mentally. The fact that just over 2 months ago I was living with her, and okay the relationship had failed, all of this just seems to be moving at an absurd pace. But this sums my ex up, and I know it’s really none of my business how fast they move it’s just dented me mentally. I should add here I know that so many people will think this was clearly going on whilst I was with her, but I questioned all of this and she assured me it wasn’t. So I do believe her on that one.
 

I am almost ashamed to admit it, but as I work from home and don’t go out much, I don’t have friends that can take my mind of it, my ex and her new relationship consumes my mind I’d say 80% of the day, if not more. She appears in my dreams practically every night, because of how much she’s in my mind when I’m awake. I’ve tried therapy which I don’t think really worked, and I’m currently writing down on paper reasons me and the ex didn’t work. I’m really at a loss right now in my life, I just do not see a day coming where I feel at peace with the situation. I don’t see a day where I’ll be released from thinking about my ex day in day out. 
 

What truly hurts is the fact that when we were together as I mentioned previously we just did not work out. There was too much history and toxicity for us to work. So why do I feel the way I do knowing we didn’t work. Is it a jealousy thing? It’s the first time in 7 years one of us have truly moved on in another relationship, and she’s saying this guy of 2 months is her soul mate. So am I green with envy that it’s not me, and my ego has been shattered? 
 

Any advice or comments would be truly appreciated. There’s many wise and intelligent people on here, so please hit me with your thoughts.

Thank you.

It's normal bro I went thru the same thing wen my ex wife left she met someone new pretty quick I was so hurt. I would say U were the dumpee so U will feel it more. Just time is the only thing that helped me. Sometimes it lingers for a long time I still see photos of the ex wife here in there on social media asy sis still follows her (ye I know weird) but the more time passes I move on and especially U yourself find your life in a good place and so U won't be as bothered by her anymore it takes time be gentle with yourself you just need a good hug mate and some looking after your self 

[Ldog92]

On 10/21/2021 at 1:29 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Only discuss co-parenting. There's no need to talk about each other's love lives.

You’re right Wiseman. I let my inquisitive side get the better of me, and found all this out. It’s difficult, but you’re 100% right there’s no need to talk about others love lives.

[Ldog92]

On 10/21/2021 at 10:40 PM, kendahke said:

Everything is always rainbows and unicorns up to the 6 week mark...

 

Yeah this is what I thought bud. My gut instinct says they will be together and while and some of these plans of theirs will become reality. It just seems insane in my mind that you’d discuss all of this and plan it within the first 6 weeks of being in a relationship with someone. 

[Ldog92]

1 hour ago, Goodguy05 said:

It's normal bro I went thru the same thing wen my ex wife left she met someone new pretty quick I was so hurt. I would say U were the dumpee so U will feel it more. Just time is the only thing that helped me. Sometimes it lingers for a long time I still see photos of the ex wife here in there on social media asy sis still follows her (ye I know weird) but the more time passes I move on and especially U yourself find your life in a good place and so U won't be as bothered by her anymore it takes time be gentle with yourself you just need a good hug mate and some looking after your self 

Thank you for your words brother. People do say it literally just takes time that’s all. Time heals everything etc! Everyone’s time is different I guess, some can move on in a few months, and some might take a couple of years. It’s hard because she’s the mother of my two young kids, so I need to speak to her weekly and see her on FaceTime etc. That doesn’t help, but it’s still raw all of this has happened within the past 6 weeks. So it’s still really early days and I need to get used to it, I have to keep ploughing through these tough days. It’s just the constant thinking about her that is hard, and knowing and accepting we are over, and she has moved on and is happy with someone else.

[Maldives]

18 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

Thank you for your words brother. People do say it literally just takes time that’s all. Time heals everything etc! Everyone’s time is different I guess, some can move on in a few months, and some might take a couple of years. It’s hard because she’s the mother of my two young kids, so I need to speak to her weekly and see her on FaceTime etc. That doesn’t help, but it’s still raw all of this has happened within the past 6 weeks. So it’s still really early days and I need to get used to it, I have to keep ploughing through these tough days. It’s just the constant thinking about her that is hard, and knowing and accepting we are over, and she has moved on and is happy with someone else.

I get that. My last ex we work together still work together and that prolongs healing seeing her all the time plus she was dating someone in the office which was really hard lol probably the hardest thing I've ever experienced seeing that. 

[Ldog92]

31 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

I get that. My last ex we work together still work together and that prolongs healing seeing her all the time plus she was dating someone in the office which was really hard lol probably the hardest thing I've ever experienced seeing that. 

Jesus bro that must be so hard! Are you at peace with it now or do you still find it tough? 

[Maldives]

At peace but when I do bump into her around the area I still feel something love lingers. Now we work from home so it helps detach I've noticed. So in your case having to co parent it will I think become manageable like it did working with my ex but for two yrs it was really tough I'm surprised I was able to remain no choice really we live in a regional city a holiday destination beautiful but getting the equivalent work-wise is not that easy. I had to get counseling to help with coping strategies.