Am I wrong for asking my boyfriend to end a new female friendship?

[Mnm1327]

Am I wrong to ask my boyfriend that he give up a new female friendship?

My boyfriend and I have some trust issues as he often stretches the truth, or bails on plans, and has a tendency to keep things from me. It’s something we are trying to work on with him. I recently found out about a new female friendship that he had not really told me about from the start. He’s told a few lies including a time he was with her that he told me he was with his step sister. 1.) First Alarm lying and omissions. When I reached out to her to ask her about things she got offended and felt I was overstepping my bounds and trying to manipulate what she had been though to make us seem like we shared a bond. I had apologized for offending her as that wasn’t my intent. When my boyfriend spoke to her he apologized for my message, and I told him I was uncomfortable with the whole situation. He said she was like a sister, 10 years older, and not his type. I asked him to please leave their messages to help alleviate any anxiety as the lying had really affected me and he said that was fine. The next day they now have a secret conversation with vanishing messages. He told me that she had asked to do it because she had discussed personal matters she didn’t want anyone else knowing. He had prioritized her request for discretion over my request for transparency 2.) Second Alarm prioritizing her requests above mine. Of the messages that were available I saw that she had referred to them as Bonnie and Clyde, and then asked if his “warden” aka me, would let him see her. He said that it was an inside joke, and that he had said that first before she did. 3.) Third Alarm complete disrespect. It was all enough for me to feel justified asking him to end the friendship I didn’t feel was appropriate. He reluctantly blocked her as he told me that he chose me. She reached out to me the next day and proceeded to make assumptions about me as she had been so upset I had done to her. The back and forth was not very congenial and it’s apparent we do not get along. When I told my boyfriend about it, he defended her actions as opposed to when she felt I was making judgments and he apologized to her for my actions. I had at least apologized to her myself when I thought I had offended her, it was clear she didn’t feel the need to do the same. 4.) Fourth Alarm defending her over me. It affirmed that this friendship was not healthy for our relationship. The following day when coming home I asked my boyfriend if he had talked to her and he said no and showed me his calls and texts. I asked if he’d be willing to stake our relationship on it as I wanted to start re-establishing trust. He said he was. I told him I was just going to check out cell phone plan usage to back up his word and he freaked out. Turns out it was because he had deleted at 16 minute phone call with her. 5.) Fifth Alarm covering up lies. The final straw appears to be that my ultimatum of choosing out relationship over his friendship is in his words childish. I don’t think that friendship should continue and he disagrees. We don’t want to break up but neither of us will budge now. Am I in the wrong for feeling that friendship continuing would only make me feel a sense of betrayal and disrespect? Am I justified in ending the relationship if he won’t have my back?

[S2B]

Just end it with him. He’s shady as heck and you deserve someone you can trust = that’s not him.

seriously, you deserve way better!

 

[glows]

When you started to check up on him repeatedly, that was also a breach of trust so I can see why you seem confused or unsure about ending the relationship. In future if someone shows you what they are, believe it. You went down this road and uncovered a lot of things that were hurtful and disappointing. The more you found out the more info you demanded in the name of trust but that's not how trust works. 

It doesn't matter whether he has your back or not anymore. Do you trust or respect him? If the answers are no, move on. There is no looking back for that.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Mnm1327 said:

 

My boyfriend and I have some trust issues as he often stretches the truth, or bails on plans, and has a tendency to keep things from me. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he?

You can't police or control anyone.

The real issue is it's an unhappy toxic relationship.

Trying to shoot down the competition won't turn him into a decent man and it won't make a bad relationship any better.

You're not happy. It's not working. So reflect on just cutting your losses and ending this misery..

[basil67]

Based on your title alone, you are wrong.  I say this because you're taking a controlling stance.

The best way to go about this is to observe a partner's behaviour and decide if it's acceptable to you.  If it's not acceptable, then gently express your concerns. If they don't change their behaviour, you end it.  

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, Mnm1327 said:

Am I justified in ending the relationship if he won’t have my back?

Of course you are.

 

7 hours ago, Mnm1327 said:

My boyfriend and I have some trust issues as he often stretches the truth, or bails on plans, and has a tendency to keep things from me. It’s something we are trying to work on with him. 

You can't work on him... He either wants to stop lying, be transparent and reliable or he doesn't.
It is not your job to  work on him and try to change him, it is your job to say this is not working for me and walk away.

[Blind-Sided]

You can't stop people from being friends... that's controlling on your part.  BUT... a BF shouldn't be seeking out new opposite sex friends. 

If you are just dating... and have problems with trust... then you need to break up !!  He is obviously not a good person if he is lying, canceling plans, and hanging out with other girls. Why would you want to stay? 

[smackie9]

Intimate conversations about very private things with a "new" female is the makings of an emotional affair. None of what he is doing is appropriate for someone in a relationship. Sounds like he's had a few of these emotional connections in the past. In his mind if sex is not involved it's ok....it's not. And keeping things a secret means he shouldn't be doing it. He doesn't care, but you should. Each time he does this, he's stepping out on your relationship. He has been doing this for sometime by the sounds of it...how are you even tolerating this behavior? Get rid of him.

[dramafreezone]

On 10/21/2021 at 5:46 PM, Mnm1327 said:

Am I wrong to ask my boyfriend that he give up a new female friendship?

 

Yes, but the root issue here is that you don't trust him.  That said, you've caught him in lies so you ahve reason not to trust him.

What is so good about this guy that he's worth holding on to?  And projecting into the future do you think he'll stop lying all of a sudden?  Seems like you can do better.

I think when a couple becomes exclusive it's only respectful to distance yourself from friends of the opposite sex.  But this is something that should be done of their own volitiion, not because a GF or BF asked the other to do so.

Edited October 27, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Starswillshine]

Sounds like it is time to move on from this relationship. Thankfully, you aren't married to him, so it should be easy (unless there are kids invovled). 

I don't think it is ever inappropriate to ask someone to respect your boundaries. If they don't, then that should be your sign to leave the relationship. 

Signed,

Someone who didn't take all the signs and gave half my life to someone else who only cheated and broke the hearts of our children. 

[Pumpernickel]

On 10/21/2021 at 8:46 PM, Mnm1327 said:

Am I justified in ending the relationship if he won’t have my back?

Yes, totally. And that's what I would do. It's so disrespectful of them to talk about you behind your back and call you a "warden", just to name one example.

 

[ShyViolet]

This is absolutely ridiculous.  If you already know that he has a habit of lying, keeping things from you, etc. then the correct course of action is not to become his police officer and check his texts, check up on everything he's doing, reach out to the girl he's friends with to ask her questions.  The correct thing to do is to break up with him.  You are fighting a losing battle and sooner or later you will realize that you can't police all of his actions.  You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone if you even need to do any of this.

[Stret]

On 10/22/2021 at 1:46 AM, Mnm1327 said:

It’s something we are trying to work on with him.

It cannot be worked on and it will never change. Him not treating you as a priority and being ready to lie and lie some more just to keep the new female friend is a sign of the things to come. He can temporarily suspend the friendship but there will always be something he'll be hiding from you or whoever he is with in the future. That's just who he is. And calling you warden is telling you how he feels about you. Not sure why are you still with him. 

[Noproblem]

This doesn't seem like a relationship, you do seem like a warden and a control freak rather than a lover or a partner 

If the relationship has made you like this, then you better end it so you don't end up looking everywhere for clues of lies, checking every messages and letters to see if your bf dared to have a friend or any other interactions.

 

Maybe he lies because you won't even accept anything he does, and you are acting like his mom and  he is your teenager son. This is not healthy at all. 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Noproblem

[Noproblem]

On 10/28/2021 at 9:46 AM, Pumpernickel said:

Yes, totally. And that's what I would do. It's so disrespectful of them to talk about you behind your back and call you a "warden", just to name one example.

 

she is a warden!

[Noproblem]

On 10/22/2021 at 6:58 AM, Blind-Sided said:

You can't stop people from being friends... that's controlling on your part.  BUT... a BF shouldn't be seeking out new opposite sex friends. 

 

why shouldn't he? Is he an animal who can't control himself? if she is a female, he'll bounce on her?

[Alpacalia]

No, you cannot tell him to call it quits on a friendship. You can tell him it makes you uncomfortable, but that's the end of the conversation.

None of this would be an issue if you were secure in your relationship.

Clearly, he is downplaying the nature of their interactions and refusing to accept responsibility for the lies he is telling you.

It's another story if you have serious trust difficulties with your boyfriend because you're afraid he'll cheat on you. And you probably shouldn't be dating him in the first place.

[kendahke]

OP: do you like the person you have to become in order to have this liar in your life?  Are you happy being the paranoid, distrustful girlfriend who goes through his phone for more information to tell you that you're right when you already know today that you're right, but are afraid to end this relationship?

Talking to him about this is only going to inform him that he needs to hide his tracks better--he's not going to change who he fundamentally is: a guy who has no problem lying to you.

How much more of your youth are you willing to squander behind someone who lies?