Guy messing with my head

[Coffeelover83]

I specifically signed up here to ask for advice on a situation I have been in. It’s been messing with my head ever since. This is probably one of the more silly posts, maybe even immature but I have not dated many guys before so I wouldn’t know. I am here rather to ask for some insight from a man’s perspective. 

 

Here is a little background story. Been married for 11 years to my husband, we have 2 lovely kids and our relationship is pretty steady. We do fight once in a while just like all married couples do. I love my husband but I’m physically not attracted to him anymore. We don’t have much sex as a consequence of my lack of attraction to him. 

 

During the summer I started to feel attracted to Billy who I see 3 times a week through my kid’s activity. Billy started noticing that I made obvious eye contact which I shouldn’t have in retrospect. Anyhow, it started slowly and with each week our eyes would meet more than often, sometimes not breaking for seconds at a time. We were flirting with each other which gave me butterflies. I will mention that I was not seeking a relationship with him.

 

I believed Billy liked the attention I gave him, and so did I. He would get physically close on certain occasions and my heart would beat fast, it made me feel like a teenager again. I took the courage to ask for his phone number which he gladly gave me. The same night I asked him out for coffee and we met the same Friday. The meet was....awkward. He rarely asked questions so I had to ask him to keep the conversation going. He told me he had a girlfriend which I knew he must’ve had one. After the meeting I told him in a text message (because I couldn’t face to face) that I found him very attractive and he implied that he didn’t know what would happen beyond another conversation which needed to be in person. I was okay with.

 

We kept texting occasionally during the past 3-4 weeks and it felt almost like our texts had gotten sexual without saying anything explicit. I asked him out again to have that face to face conversation in which I wanted to know what he wanted because I felt that he wasn’t sure about the whole thing but kept flirting. I asked him to meet for coffee and he offered 2 days to meet instead of the one OR the other I suggested which was weird. The first day we were supposed to meet he stood me up and I was super annoyed telling him to just delete my number and texts resulting in him apologizing and saying he forgot which I actually believed. But the way I acted (I was livid) completely threw him off telling me that he didn’t want to f*** it up with his girlfriend and other things that almost sounded like it was my fault that I flirted with him and wanted to keep it professional as I asked him to delete everything.

 

The next day I told him I hoped we could remain friends and he was okay with it. After some random back and forth conversation that I actually really enjoyed, he asked if we were still on for the second meet which we had set up before the fight. Long story short, he forgot the time and went to the first location we met at although I was at a different one. I am pretty sure he did it on purpose but I cannot understand why he asked me in the first place. Maybe just to avoid another rant? I have since then deleted his texts and number and haven’t talked to him since that incident. I pretty much ignore him now but he still keeps looking at me.

 

I know he is a player and an a**h***, but he keeps messing with my mind. Why is he doing all this? Why flirting with me, meeting me (which was common courtesy to him), texting with me (even going as far as to say we could “find out”) and still trying to keep eye contact after he told me he didn’t want to go further. He is so immature I don’t even know what to think of him anymore. The physical attraction outweighs the emotional connection by far. But how can I get over him?

[S2B]

Why are you doing this - that’s the better question!

if you intend to do that - divorce FIRST! 
looks like you were equally immature in this drama.
 

proper order is key. You are intentionally ruining two relationships with the way you participate! Stop that.

Edited October 22, 2021 by S2B

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Coffeelover83 said:

The physical attraction outweighs the emotional connection by far. But how can I get over him?

You can say you've discovered "something" in him, a physical attraction you don't experience with your husband.

I'm not referring to this other man; rather, I'm referring to what you believe he reflects back to you about yourself.

The underlying reason of your inability to move on is your own thoughts.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Coffeelover83 said:

But how can I get over him?

This may be oversimplified but it doesn't need to be too complicated. Turn your attention elsewhere. Remove his presence in your life or limit interactions with him and focus on your marriage.

Edited October 22, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Coffeelover83 said:

.  I love my husband but I’m physically not attracted to him anymore. .I know he is a player and an a**h***, 

Of course he is. A decent man wouldn't bother with a married women .

Is your husband cheating on you?

You seem quite thirsty for male attention.

Consider taking to a therapist to figure out your marital problems, dependency on your husband, anger and excessive hunger for any male attention .

Edited October 22, 2021 by Wiseman2

[NYAG]

4 hours ago, Coffeelover83 said:

I specifically signed up here to ask for advice on a situation I have been in. It’s been messing with my head ever since. This is probably one of the more silly posts, maybe even immature but I have not dated many guys before so I wouldn’t know. I am here rather to ask for some insight from a man’s perspective. 

 

Here is a little background story. Been married for 11 years to my husband, we have 2 lovely kids and our relationship is pretty steady. We do fight once in a while just like all married couples do. I love my husband but I’m physically not attracted to him anymore. We don’t have much sex as a consequence of my lack of attraction to him. 

 

During the summer I started to feel attracted to Billy who I see 3 times a week through my kid’s activity. Billy started noticing that I made obvious eye contact which I shouldn’t have in retrospect. Anyhow, it started slowly and with each week our eyes would meet more than often, sometimes not breaking for seconds at a time. We were flirting with each other which gave me butterflies. I will mention that I was not seeking a relationship with him.

 

I believed Billy liked the attention I gave him, and so did I. He would get physically close on certain occasions and my heart would beat fast, it made me feel like a teenager again. I took the courage to ask for his phone number which he gladly gave me. The same night I asked him out for coffee and we met the same Friday. The meet was....awkward. He rarely asked questions so I had to ask him to keep the conversation going. He told me he had a girlfriend which I knew he must’ve had one. After the meeting I told him in a text message (because I couldn’t face to face) that I found him very attractive and he implied that he didn’t know what would happen beyond another conversation which needed to be in person. I was okay with.

 

We kept texting occasionally during the past 3-4 weeks and it felt almost like our texts had gotten sexual without saying anything explicit. I asked him out again to have that face to face conversation in which I wanted to know what he wanted because I felt that he wasn’t sure about the whole thing but kept flirting. I asked him to meet for coffee and he offered 2 days to meet instead of the one OR the other I suggested which was weird. The first day we were supposed to meet he stood me up and I was super annoyed telling him to just delete my number and texts resulting in him apologizing and saying he forgot which I actually believed. But the way I acted (I was livid) completely threw him off telling me that he didn’t want to f*** it up with his girlfriend and other things that almost sounded like it was my fault that I flirted with him and wanted to keep it professional as I asked him to delete everything.

 

The next day I told him I hoped we could remain friends and he was okay with it. After some random back and forth conversation that I actually really enjoyed, he asked if we were still on for the second meet which we had set up before the fight. Long story short, he forgot the time and went to the first location we met at although I was at a different one. I am pretty sure he did it on purpose but I cannot understand why he asked me in the first place. Maybe just to avoid another rant? I have since then deleted his texts and number and haven’t talked to him since that incident. I pretty much ignore him now but he still keeps looking at me.

 

I know he is a player and an a**h***, but he keeps messing with my mind. Why is he doing all this? Why flirting with me, meeting me (which was common courtesy to him), texting with me (even going as far as to say we could “find out”) and still trying to keep eye contact after he told me he didn’t want to go further. He is so immature I don’t even know what to think of him anymore. The physical attraction outweighs the emotional connection by far. But how can I get over him?

He's clearly bored and non committal, and he's found himself a nice little distraction with you because you gave him all the right signals. Don't even give him the time of day. You will get nothing but confusion and heartache from this one. There are LOADS of men out there like this. They are just playing a game.

[Blind-Sided]

7 hours ago, Coffeelover83 said:

I know he is a player and an a**h***, but he keeps messing with my mind. Why is he doing all this? Why flirting with me, meeting me (which was common courtesy to him), texting with me (even going as far as to say we could “find out”) and still trying to keep eye contact after he told me he didn’t want to go further. He is so immature I don’t even know what to think of him anymore. The physical attraction outweighs the emotional connection by far. But how can I get over him?

I wouldn't say he was a player.... or any other derogatory comment. From your story... I would say you were the player.  You are married, and are actively seeking out the attention of another man that you are sexually attracted to. 

When I was married, in what I considered a rock solid, and trusting relationship... I had no issues with flirting a little with the girls in the office.  A couple turned into real friends.  BUT... I wasn't attracted to them in that way.  AND... if we were going to get lunch... but someone had to cancel... no one would get angry to the point of a "Rant". 

OK... to be 100% blunt...

1) he is NOT messing with your mind.  You have built something that doesn't exist.  (You already have a meatal relationship) 

2) He is not immature.  He shut it down because he has a GF. 

3) He is only an A-hole to you... because he didn't go through with you cheating on your H. 

4) And to answer the question of "Why is he doing this?".... because flirting is normal human activity.  He thought it was a safe thing to do since you were married, he has a GF and your kids are in an activity together. 

Anyway... do your H a favor, and just divorce him.  You obviously don't car about him any longer.

[Coffeelover83]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course he is. A decent man wouldn't bother with a married women .

Is your husband cheating on you?

You seem quite thirsty for male attention.

Consider taking to a therapist to figure out your marital problems, dependency on your husband, anger and excessive hunger for any male attention .

He has texted with female coworkers in the past. One he told he missed her. I’m pretty sure he did something outside our marriage. 

Edited October 22, 2021 by Coffeelover83

[Coffeelover83]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

I wouldn't say he was a player.... or any other derogatory comment. From your story... I would say you were the player.  You are married, and are actively seeking out the attention of another man that you are sexually attracted to. 

When I was married, in what I considered a rock solid, and trusting relationship... I had no issues with flirting a little with the girls in the office.  A couple turned into real friends.  BUT... I wasn't attracted to them in that way.  AND... if we were going to get lunch... but someone had to cancel... no one would get angry to the point of a "Rant". 

OK... to be 100% blunt...

1) he is NOT messing with your mind.  You have built something that doesn't exist.  (You already have a meatal relationship) 

2) He is not immature.  He shut it down because he has a GF. 

3) He is only an A-hole to you... because he didn't go through with you cheating on your H. 

4) And to answer the question of "Why is he doing this?".... because flirting is normal human activity.  He thought it was a safe thing to do since you were married, he has a GF and your kids are in an activity together. 

Anyway... do your H a favor, and just divorce him.  You obviously don't car about him any longer.

Thank you for your input and for keeping me straight. From a male’s perspective you are right. He was just flirting because it was save, for him to have a girlfriend and for me being married. 
I will say that I am not a player as I have never done anything like this before. As far as I know, it takes two to tango. He could’ve just told me, when I asked him out for coffee, that his GF wouldn’t like it. He did choose to come anyway. 

[Coffeelover83]

7 hours ago, glows said:

This may be oversimplified but it doesn't need to be too complicated. Turn your attention elsewhere. Remove his presence in your life or limit interactions with him and focus on your marriage.

I unfortunately see him 3 times a week. It is easier said than done. My kid just started the activity and we already spend money on gear and apparel. Moving to a different school right now is not an option. 
I do ignore him only saying hello at the most,  but it feels really immature. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Coffeelover83 said:

I unfortunately see him 3 times a week. It is easier said than done. My kid just started the activity and we already spend money on gear and apparel. Moving to a different school right now is not an option. 
I do ignore him only saying hello at the most,  but it feels really immature. 

Then maybe you should let your husband deal with this activity with the kid so you can stay away from this guy since you can't control your emotions when around him.  I think you're just angry becaue this guy  is simply not interested in more than a flirt here and there.

[Coffeelover83]

40 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Then maybe you should let your husband deal with this activity with the kid so you can stay away from this guy since you can't control your emotions when around him.  I think you're just angry becaue this guy  is simply not interested in more than a flirt here and there.

Oh no, I’m not angry about him not interested in more than a flirt but rather the fact that he didn’t make it clear form the beginning once he agreed to meet and text. He didn’t have to stand me up. He just had to tell me no right away. Simple.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Coffeelover83 said:

I unfortunately see him 3 times a week. It is easier said than done. My kid just started the activity and we already spend money on gear and apparel. Moving to a different school right now is not an option. 

 

52 minutes ago, Coffeelover83 said:

Oh no, I’m not angry about him not interested in more than a flirt but rather the fact that he didn’t make it clear form the beginning once he agreed to meet and text. He didn’t have to stand me up. He just had to tell me no right away. Simple.

I  wasn't talking about this^ but the above quote at the top.  The simple solution is for you to now stay away from the games since YOU can't control your emotions around him and let your husband deal with that activity with the kid.  You stay away.

[S2B]

You think this Billy owes you some answers when you are the one who is married?

I think you owe answers to your husband.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Coffeelover83 said:

Oh no, I’m not angry about him not interested in more than a flirt but rather the fact that he didn’t make it clear form the beginning once he agreed to meet and text. He didn’t have to stand me up. He just had to tell me no right away. Simple.

Maybe this is a good time to rethink the people you choose to associate with or be around. He's flirting with a married woman so everything is generally out the window. There is no integrity to start so expecting it anywhere else in your interactions isn't very realistic.

[notbroken]

Why don't you divorce your husband?  Fear?   Few things are worse than thinking you have a partner when you don't.  

[S2B]

Why haven’t you been honest with your husband? 
does he know you’ve spent time with Billy?

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course he is. A decent man wouldn't bother with a married women .

I know but one could also say a decent MW wouldn't bother with him.  So it kind of goes both ways.

[salparadise]

23 hours ago, Coffeelover83 said:

I’m not angry about him not interested in more than a flirt but rather the fact that he didn’t make it clear form the beginning...

Ah c'mon. You're not even being honest with yourself. You've managed to elude any discussion of moral-ethical issues. I'd bet that's what is inhibiting Billy-boy. You're the one who's married, yet for you it's of no concern. How does that worK? Do you not subscribe, or do you simply feel justified based on not getting everything you want?

I know what you're angry about... you offered yourself on a silver platter, and when he didn't hit it like a duck on a june bug it amounted to an ego slam and loss of control in the matter. How embarrassing. Wondering though... is the dearth of ethics limited to getting sexed, or a more general predilection? I'm usually in favor of progressive females willing to take some initiative, but in this situation I don't blame Billy for thinking twice. He probably has a functioning superego and a nice girlfriend that he cares about to boot. He probably took time to think a few moves ahead.

Edited October 23, 2021 by salparadise

[spiderowl]

I don't think this guy is playing with you, OP.  You made a play for him, flirting, asking for his number, asking him out.  He was presumably flattered (or not sure if you just wanted a new friend) and so he went along.  Now he knows you are attracted to him, he has not turned up for a meet and has 'forgotten' others.  While he may be flattered, he has a girlfriend and wants to keep her.  He is putting you off but you are seeing it as him messing you about.  He is not interested in putting his relationship at risk.

Why are you chasing this guy when you are married?  You are clearly looking for an affair.  Do you think it is acceptable to have affairs within marriage?  If so, I presume you would not mind if your husband did likewise.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

He is not interested in putting his relationship at risk.

Nor his reputation by having sex with a man's wife who is a parent of one of the kids who is on his child's team.  He probably has too much respect for your husband and now feels sorry for him.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/22/2021 at 11:48 AM, Coffeelover83 said:

He didn’t have to stand me up. He just had to tell me no right away. Simple.

Kind of the same message either way. Actions speak louder than words so not meeting tells you all you need to know.