Affair to be Expected?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, CompleteBC said:

@DKT3. I have zero acceptance of her actions. 

You're sending extreme mixed messages. You're making it out as "cheating", but you're the one who enjoyed the whole kink. Stop blaming her for your proclivities.

8 hours ago, CompleteBC said:

 I told her I enjoyed it too. 

 

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I don;t pretend to understand your wife's behaviors, but if you think she may have been sexually or emotionally/physically  abused when she was younger, that could be the root of all this. Without realizing it, she could be trying to fill a void in her wounded psyche- she feels ugly inside, but if these guys/women want to sleep with her, she must have some value, right? It could even be that part of her sees sex as being the only value that she has to anyone.

Of course it's also just as possible she just enjoys being with a lot of people, and this is what makes her happy.

In the first scenario, she could well be very unhappy inside, and benefit from some therapy. If it's the second, that's just who she is and I can't see that she would change. To be frank, if you ask her to do so, she could well end up very unhappy with you. If that's the case, you'll have to ask yourself if you, way deep down, are really okay with her being with a lot of other people besides you. If the answer is "no", that's okay, but you need to hash all this out with her. Before you do that though, you have to sort out how you actually feel about all this. I could be wrong, but you sound conflicted that's okay. Writing/talking about a problem may well bring you some clarity.

[vla1120]

On 10/22/2021 at 5:07 PM, CompleteBC said:

She remained close with a couple of the women, we got engaged, and eventually got married.

That was your first clue. This reminds me of a situation I may have posted about on here. I was dating a guy who told me he and his previous girlfriend were in the lifestyle. He broke up with her because she "cheated on him" while they were AT a lifestyle party. I was confused about how cheating was even possible when a couple engages in the swinging lifestyle. Then,  he explained that, when you live in that lifestyle as a couple, you MUST have very clear boundaries and guidelines. One of their agreements was that they would not engage with any other person without the advance knowledge/approval of their partner. She broke that trust, apparently. You thought the two of you gave up the lifestyle when you got engaged, then married. The fact that she maintained a "close friendship" with a couple of the women indicates to me that she still wanted to participate. 

You need to confront her on all of this and set clear boundaries. If she is not willing to adhere to the boundaries and conditions the two of you have set, then she's not the one for you.

[AngryGromit]

15 hours ago, CompleteBC said:

I’m kicking thoughts and ideas here because I’ve avoided talking to those I know for various reasons. I can see the validity of points that it may have helped along the way if I had. 

Well I'll say this much, she's one in a million. If you two break up, you'll most likely never find another woman half as kinky as she is.  Perhaps if you can curve her worse impulses, or come up with some kind of compromise, you can make it work. Like every time you get together with your close group of friends swingers events, every guy at the event gets a turn with her. Keep her satisfied while controlling the conditions. (safe partners) I'd also keep her on a short leash when your not around, call her random times, have her face time with you and show the room so you can see nothing is going on you don't know about.  

Edited October 26, 2021 by AngryGromit

[CompleteBC]

Well the counseling session was both what I expected and eye opening at times. Above all it opened my thoughts even further to us just not working moving forward. Much like what’s been said here, I received more encouragement not to feel responsible for her infidelity. The therapist asked “how many women were you unfaithful with”? The answer was no of course and she solicited my response to why not. 
 

At the same time she questioned the legitimacy of my reasons for not continuing our sexual desires and habits as a couple. She made it clear she wasn’t encouraging it but instead was curious of why my “just because” or”just not right” was such a deciding force. She said boundaries with alternative life relationships as far as those they surround themselves in life with are no different than a couple in a traditional marriage and their boundaries.

 

The toughest part of this will be moving forward and how we go about it. I’m not worried about the business and assets but instead trying to make the inevitable split as smooth as possible for those around us. Feels really robotic being around each other knowing what’s coming down the pike. The past couple days she’s been overly accommodating, to the point it’s a bit annoying and repeatedly has asked about how things will go with our sex lives. Lots of questions and unknowns.

[pepperbird2]

On 10/26/2021 at 1:54 PM, AngryGromit said:

Well I'll say this much, she's one in a million. If you two break up, you'll most likely never find another woman half as kinky as she is.  Perhaps if you can curve her worse impulses, or come up with some kind of compromise, you can make it work. Like every time you get together with your close group of friends swingers events, every guy at the event gets a turn with her. Keep her satisfied while controlling the conditions. (safe partners) I'd also keep her on a short leash when your not around, call her random times, have her face time with you and show the room so you can see nothing is going on you don't know about.  

Keep her on a short leash?
She's an adult. No one has to "keep" her from doing anything. She will choose what she will choose. The OP has every right to decide what relationship parameters he will accept, as does she. If she chooses to ignore them, that's her decision, and the OP will have to decide how he's going to deal with it.

Some people really aren't cut out for a swinging lifestyle. The idea may be very interesting, but the emotional logistics don't really work for them.

[elaine567]

SHE controls the narrative like she always has right from the start, he just went along for the ride, but the ride then went a bit mental and he is choosing to bail, rather than go off a cliff like she is apparently on course to do.


 

[CompleteBC]

Yes. I have no time or patience for a leash.  My original conclusion of not being up for the lifestyle was based on it reconfiguring our social circles and the limited amount of time we already have. As time went on it ran its course with me to where it was a perk when I could make it work. For her it was different. It became plans for the following weekend before we were even halfway through the one we were in. She became more and more driven towards it while again I looked at it as fun to fill a hole in time if I had it. The therapist identified that as a function of me being more isolated and reserved and her being stimulated by group settings whether it be sex related or not. 
 

The stopping of cheating does not mitigate the prior act itself. She bypassed any consideration and took it upon herself. After sitting in that office for two hours I realized. My reluctance for the lifestyle could have been discussed better and more often. To the level that I would have gone and talked to someone with her. My rationale for opposing it or staying in it was unique to the therapist as it’s typically other issues that are at hand. 
 

As for going off the cliff. I’d say having impromptu unprotected sex is going off the cliff. I’ve known or heard of lots of infidelity in my life. Unfortunately it’s not uncommon as we all know. The reason for it is something I won’t be able to change. She admitted in the session and more subtly in the past that she gets off to and gets higher self worth from others knowing she’s a whore. Those are her words not mine. Part of it is the pleasure from sex but for her it’s not all or even most of it. It’s truly a way of thinking and living I will probably never understand. 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, CompleteBC said:

As for going off the cliff. I’d say having impromptu unprotected sex is going off the cliff.

Yes it is but I am glad you are not thinking of going off the cliff with her.
She has very poor impulse control, which can be associated with  mental health conditions like BPD, Bipolar, ADHD etc. 
Does she have a mental health history? Has she ever had a head injury?
She acted with no thought of the consequences whatsoever... her mind was totally focussed on what she wanted to do in the moment.
She is a loose cannon, capable of anything

[Wiseman2]

On 10/23/2021 at 12:46 PM, CompleteBC said:

I enjoyed watching my wife get pleasure from sex with other guys and ultimately fed off of that openness, willingness, energy, and visual appeal from her and enjoyed sex with other women.

Sounds like buyer's remorse. The resort thing was more than you hoped and even though you enjoy sex with other women, group sex and watching your wife have sex with others in general, seems like you feel cheated because she had more fun than you did.

[DKT3]

I dont think its buyers remorse,  that implies he knew how this would go.

His wife slowly pushed his boundaries and he woke up one day wondering how he got to this point. 

Enjoying it while knowing it is not what you want is human...

[mark clemson]

As with many things in life, a hypersexual partner and/or swinging often sound a lot better "on paper" that they turn out to be in RL. Not everyone is cut out for this sort of thing, some are - many aren't, and that's to be expected. Sometimes you have to experience things for yourself to see if they're really "for you".

3 hours ago, CompleteBC said:

 I’m not worried about the business and assets but instead trying to make the inevitable split as smooth as possible for those around us. Feels really robotic being around each other knowing what’s coming down the pike. The past couple days she’s been overly accommodating, to the point it’s a bit annoying and repeatedly has asked about how things will go with our sex lives. Lots of questions and unknowns.

If you've firmly decided to separate then it sounds like there's a discussion you need to have but still haven't had with her.

[CompleteBC]

@Wiseman2Feel cheated because I was cheated on, not because of envy. Prior to marriage when fully engaged in the lifestyle she would frequently hang out and be at a get together without me if I was out of town or tied up long term.  I had no issue. Absolutely zero part of me backed off due to any pleasure envy. Fact is she made more and got more of it out of the situation than I ever did. I was raised very traditionally and ultimately made the point I wanted to get away from it. Partially because of the relationships which were too much and also because of my makeup. I was a hard no going forward due to variables I may have not been such a hard no on.

[CompleteBC]

@elaine567Yes Elaine there are some issues you referenced, specifically with mild depression and anxiety. She’s freely admitted to using sex to make herself feel more worthwhile for others and for general approval. There’s also a past abuse issue or two I wasn’t made aware of until after we were married. I’ve often thought about it. If I had known about it I would have never followed through with the life we lived. Instead I would have encouraged her to be proactive in treatment as opposed to what we did. Her willingness and desire for some of what she did when we were with the others should have been a signal something wasn’t right. I mistook it for kinky behavior when it reality it was out of bounds or stretching the limits for what was the norm.

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, CompleteBC said:

@elaine567Yes Elaine there are some issues you referenced, specifically with mild depression and anxiety. She’s freely admitted to using sex to make herself feel more worthwhile for others and for general approval. There’s also a past abuse issue or two I wasn’t made aware of until after we were married. I’ve often thought about it. If I had known about it I would have never followed through with the life we lived. Instead I would have encouraged her to be proactive in treatment as opposed to what we did. Her willingness and desire for some of what she did when we were with the others should have been a signal something wasn’t right. I mistook it for kinky behavior when it reality it was out of bounds or stretching the limits for what was the norm.

You can't help someone who doesn't want that help. All you can do is decide for yourself if you want to go along for the ride.
I do want to acknowledge the way you have been able to try and see past her behavior to what's causing it. Do you feel it's almost a form of self medication/addiction? For a short time, it helps with her poor self esteem but she'll soon need another fix?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Complete, apparently you have done a lot of introspection and analysis of your situation both with regard to your own actions and role in this roller coaster ride with your wife but also with regard to her motivations and drivers for the kind of behaviour she exhibited and which seemed to provide a balm to her troubled spirit. Elaine is right that she suffers from some form of personality disorder, most likely of the Bipolar type, as this particular disorder has been known to drive some women in the manic stage, to uncontrollable promiscuous behaviour. You were, for lack of a better metaphor, sucked along in her powerful slipstream and carried along in a dream state till abruptly and possibly rudely, woken up to the fact that you were in the wrong place all along.

Your wife is possibly in need of serious long term therapy overseen by a qualified psychiatrist if she is to be able to return to any semblance of a normal sedate life. Whether you are up for it to shoulder such a heavy responsibility by being by her side and be her rock or not is something only you can decide. Such responsibility is not for the faint hearted. At the same time this poses a true challenge to your marital vows, the depth, strength and stamina of your love for your wife and whether you want to see a better, more normal and stable version of the woman you married. Divorce would be the easy way out and I would agree that it is a very daunting challenge and that you may not have the appetite for it. Whatever you decide to do, the folks on here would want the best for you and wish you success in the future. Warm wishes.

[CompleteBC]

Thanks to everyone for chiming in. Yes it’s been a tremendous amount of internal and internal inspection. If not for the family side of things I’d probably just move on. But that’s not the case and I’m committed to assisting as I can for the sake of everyone else involved. I’ll pop in and update occasionally. Peace and happiness to all of you.

[usa1ah]

You’re not to blame for your wife’s actions. She chose to do what she did.