Had been talking to someone, they ended it, feeling slightly sad and don't know if I should be honest w/ them

[argoscard1999]

I had been ‘talking’ to someone since approx. 3rd August, so around two and half months... we would talk every day, flirting, talking about general stuff, etc. The typical way you are when you’re talking to someone, I guess. 

 

This was the first time I’d spoken to ANYONE in 2/3 years, after being heartbroken by someone else. I took it very slowly and didn’t fall into any of my old lack of boundary-type behaviour, was sure not to really talk about feelings, etc. 

 

We actually didn’t meet until after a month of talking, because this person was living in a totally different city. We went on a sort of day-long date, which went well and ended in us holding hands, kissing, etc. I then asked if they wanted to do something else that week, they said yes. 

 

The original plan was to go out and do something, but I ended up being invited to their – well, their flatmate’s apartment. This wasn’t what I wanted to do, at all – I felt it was too much of an intimate setting and also, I knew that the flatmate was going to come in at any point. The flatmate did end up coming in, and ended up sitting with us in the living room. I don’t know, it just felt awkward, to me. 

 

When I’d gone home, we were messaging and we both agreed that it was a little awkward, and that they should have made better plans. I then said that I’d had fun on our other date, and that I feel like the setting just made things awkward, which they agreed with. 

 

I then asked if they wanted to do something else, but they couldn’t because they are leaving the country for a while, which is fair enough and not a lie.. 

 

The subject turned then to us continuing to talk, and whether it was feasible as they were going away. First they said that they’re gonna have a lot to adjust to, so maybe it’s best they only think about platonic friendships, for now. Then they said that they were at some club, and heard a song that reminded them of an ex, and they realised they shouldn’t really be dating ANYONE, at the moment. 

 

At this point, I didn’t negotiate or plead, and just went with it. I’ve learnt from past experiences that you just gotta let people do what they’re doing. So, I agreed to be “friends” and also told them I’d be taking some time out for myself, wished them a good week, whatever. They also said they’d be doing that, so I thought OK cool. 

 

The next day, they messaged me with something really flippant, a reply to something I’d posted – which threw me off, as we’d just agreed not to speak for a while. I simply ‘liked’ the message. Today, I felt like I missed them a bit, and sent them a message asking them how they were, etc. At this point there’s been no response. 

 

I realise to those reading this that the situation may appear a lot different that I had perceived it. I do realise they might have lost interest, or that the reasons they gave might be genuine – I know people use all sorts of flowery language to tell people they’re not interested anymore, I’m not that naïve. I did say at one point to them that I totally understood if they had lost interest (we had a couple of running in-jokes about this while we were talking, so felt it was OK to drop that in) and it's fine, it happens - to which they said no, they're being honest, these are the reasons.

 

I suppose I just miss talking to them – it feels like 2.5/3 months is a long time, to be talking every day, then meeting up and being physically close, to nothing at all… I do feel sad about it. I don’t know if I should be honest and tell them how I am feeling, but then that just seems terrifying and I don’t really know to what extent that would help me. I feel extremely paranoid that they’ve gone off me so badly that they can’t even reply to me, despite them messaging me and liking something I posted a couple of days ago… I guess I just feel a bit sad. 

 

Should I message them and tell them how I’m feeling? Or alternatively, how to work through these feelings... not in love with this person or anything, but am feeling a sense of loss, to be honest

[Pumpernickel]

I think “they” have lost interest, yes, and you should just accept the fact. You weren’t even in a real relationship with “them”. (Generally speaking, I always find it hard to respond to a thread where we don’t know the genders involved. I mean who’s female and who’s the male in the scenario, or are 2 males or 2 females involved? It sometimes makes a difference and I find it hard to relate to any thread where this is not specified, but I might be the only one. 🤷🏼‍♀️)

[stillafool]

Are you a man or woman and are you speaking of a same sex relationship?  It really doesn't matter on this forum I just like to get a picture in my mind of the situation before I advise.

[argoscard1999]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

I think “they” have lost interest, yes, and you should just accept the fact. You weren’t even in a real relationship with “them”. (Generally speaking, I always find it hard to respond to a thread where we don’t know the genders involved. I mean who’s female and who’s the male in the scenario, or are 2 males or 2 females involved? It sometimes makes a difference and I find it hard to relate to any thread where this is not specified, but I might be the only one. 🤷🏼‍♀️)

Two females. I sometimes am hesitant to put genders because I don't always want to disclose that it's a same-sex dynamic, but I do think gender comes into play slightly. 

Yeah, I felt they'd lost interest, too. The reasons they gave seem tangible, but there was still that nagging doubt that they'd lost interest. 

[argoscard1999]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Are you a man or woman and are you speaking of a same sex relationship?  It really doesn't matter on this forum I just like to get a picture in my mind of the situation before I advise.

Woman, same sex.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, argoscard1999 said:

Then they said that they were at some club, and heard a song that reminded them of an ex, and they realised they shouldn’t really be dating ANYONE, at the moment. 

I don't think she is over her ex and ready to move on with anyone yet.  She told you that above.  I think you will get hurt if you were to call her and reveal your feelings at this point. You should wait and see if she contacts you again.  In the meantime look for and date others.

[argoscard1999]

Just now, stillafool said:

I don't think she is over her ex and ready to move on with anyone yet.  She told you that above.  I think you will get hurt if you were to call her and reveal your feelings at this point. You should wait and see if she contacts you again.  In the meantime look for and date others.

I think I'd probably get hurt too. I guess I don't understand why she messaged me the next day - after I said I didn't want to talk for a while, and is now appearing to be ignoring me, but I also realise that there's nothing much to it, probably. But thank you for this bit of advice.

[stillafool]

I don't understand why she is treating you this way either.  Did you say something to piss her off?  It's just odd how she seemed to do an about face.

[argoscard1999]

Just now, stillafool said:

I don't understand why she is treating you this way either.  Did you say something to piss her off?  It's just odd how she seemed to do an about face.

No, I didn't - we had a reasonably pleasant conversation at the 'end' of things.  She also liked something I posted yesterday, so I really don't get it. I also feel like if she had lost interest, why message me the day after we agreed not to talk... from past experience when someone's lost interest, they don't contact the other person again, I don't know. 

[stillafool]

I  agree.  I change my mind and think you should contact her and bring all of this behavior out in the open.  Have her clarify what she wants or doesnt want so you don't waste your time.

[argoscard1999]

Just now, stillafool said:

I  agree.  I change my mind and think you should contact her and bring all of this behavior out in the open.  Have her clarify what she wants or doesnt want so you don't waste your time.

Gosh - you mean as in discussing whether we're going to be in contact or not? I think I know at this point I know she doesn't wanna date me, but.. yeah. I only really interacted with her because she had messaged me, and because she liked something of mine, so I presumed it was 'safe' to talk, but I'm being ignored... I get quite nervous bringing things like this up, as I don't want to look annoying, or needy, or whatever else. I don't know.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, argoscard1999 said:

I get quite nervous bringing things like this up, as I don't want to look annoying, or needy, or whatever else. I don't know.

Well if you don't squash those feelings you will never know what the problem was.  Sometimes it pays to be vulnerable.  I don't see where you've chased after her in any of your posts so I hardly think asking her what happened would be annoying or needy behavior at this point.

[glows]

1 hour ago, argoscard1999 said:

The subject turned then to us continuing to talk, and whether it was feasible as they were going away. First they said that they’re gonna have a lot to adjust to, so maybe it’s best they only think about platonic friendships, for now. Then they said that they were at some club, and heard a song that reminded them of an ex, and they realised they shouldn’t really be dating ANYONE, at the moment. 

This seems a very clear answer. You can ask her again so that she may repeat herself but be prepared for a confused individual. Someone who is fresh or newly out of a relationship and still thinking of their ex or saying that they "shouldn't really be dating anyone at the moment" is likely feeling a lot of conflicting emotions. 

Use your common sense here and talk or confide in your friends and trusted people whom you have in your life. Make plans with friends or call someone you rely on. Spend an afternoon out and take your mind off of this. You seem lonely more than anything.

[argoscard1999]

57 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well if you don't squash those feelings you will never know what the problem was.  Sometimes it pays to be vulnerable.  I don't see where you've chased after her in any of your posts so I hardly think asking her what happened would be annoying or needy behavior at this point.

I guess I probably shouldn't message her asking her anything else. I would like to but perhaps she just felt conflicted for a second and messaged me, then changed her mind. I don't know if asking "are we friends or not" would make me feel better, I don't even really want to BE friends, lol. She's not even responding to the message I sent four hours ago, so it seems she doesn't really want to talk. 

[argoscard1999]

53 minutes ago, glows said:

This seems a very clear answer. You can ask her again so that she may repeat herself but be prepared for a confused individual. Someone who is fresh or newly out of a relationship and still thinking of their ex or saying that they "shouldn't really be dating anyone at the moment" is likely feeling a lot of conflicting emotions. 

Use your common sense here and talk or confide in your friends and trusted people whom you have in your life. Make plans with friends or call someone you rely on. Spend an afternoon out and take your mind off of this. You seem lonely more than anything.

I guess it does seem a clear answer, and she gave some back story too which makes me kinda think, maybe it isn't that she lost interest (or did as well), but that this thing about not being over someone else is actually true. She doesn't seem the type of person to come up with a long winded story just to end something, she's always been very direct. I suppose yeah I am quite lonely, and in some ways had gotten used to that loneliness. Her messaging me and us ending up talking for a while has kind of put me backwards a bit, I was in a space where I had just started to focus on myself after a bad break up, and yeah... put back a little bit. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, glows said:

This seems a very clear answer. You can ask her again so that she may repeat herself but be prepared for a confused individual. Someone who is fresh or newly out of a relationship and still thinking of their ex or saying that they "shouldn't really be dating anyone at the moment" is likely feeling a lot of conflicting emotions. 

Agree.

Do you know how long she was with her ex and how long ago they broke up?

Someone that is still mourning the end of a relationship is a bit all over the place.

It took me a good year before I was ready to date after a long term relationship.

You wouldn't want her to use you to move on or to be emotionally dependent on you instead of liking you for who you are. Sometimes the healing process is heavily influenced by how long she dated her ex. Some people move ahead quickly, while others lag behind.

[argoscard1999]

17 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Agree.

Do you know how long she was with her ex and how long ago they broke up?

Someone that is still mourning the end of a relationship is a bit all over the place.

It took me a good year before I was ready to date after a long term relationship.

You wouldn't want her to use you to move on or to be emotionally dependent on you instead of liking you for who you are. Sometimes the healing process is heavily influenced by how long she dated her ex. Some people move ahead quickly, while others lag behind.

I don't know how long they were involved or together, but she told me that they'd kind of dated for a while and it ended in August/September, which is when her and I started talking. She only mentioned this to me like a week ago, so I had no knowledge of it before. I think they just dated, but she told me it was very intense, so... I get that. So yeah, not long at all - if I'd have known this when we began talking, I'm not sure I would have gotten involved with her, really. I guess it really isn't a long time at all. 

I suppose I'm also feeling a bit dumb now, because I messaged her earlier today and yeah, no response... which is fair enough, just wish I hadn't, now. 

Edited October 23, 2021 by argoscard1999
Added detail

[glows]

Don’t feel dumb. Let it go and let it roll off your back. You like her so let it be. Best to accept that she doesn’t feel the same way. Make some room in your life to meet new people.

[Lotsgoingon]

6 hours ago, argoscard1999 said:

The original plan was to go out and do something, but I ended up being invited to their – well, their flatmate’s apartment. This wasn’t what I wanted to do, at all – I felt it was too much of an intimate setting and also, I knew that the flatmate was going to come in at any point. The flatmate did end up coming in, and ended up sitting with us in the living room. I don’t know, it just felt awkward, to me. 

Next you feel awkward, pay attention. That's your body's alarm system going off. Stop right there. As soon as I read the above.

Use this as an example of why you do not want to suppress awkward feelings.  If you are meeting someone for the first time, it should be EXTREMELY comfortable (any nervousness is the happy nervousness). 

If the meeting is not comfortable, something is wrong. Period. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, argoscard1999 said:

I don't know how long they were involved or together, but she told me that they'd kind of dated for a while and it ended in August/September, which is when her and I started talking. She only mentioned this to me like a week ago, so I had no knowledge of it before. I think they just dated, but she told me it was very intense, so... I get that. So yeah, not long at all - if I'd have known this when we began talking, I'm not sure I would have gotten involved with her, really. I guess it really isn't a long time at all. 

I suppose I'm also feeling a bit dumb now, because I messaged her earlier today and yeah, no response... which is fair enough, just wish I hadn't, now. 

Yes, sometimes those shorter relationships can be a bit intense.

Well, she needs time to heal from their past hurts, and until she does, she most likely won't be able to engage emotionally on the level needed to lay the groundwork for a lasting relationship.

All you'll do is to gain feelings for someone who is attempting to lose feelings for someone else. How does that sound? Backwards.

So keep moving forward and try to redirect your attention elsewhere.

 

[argoscard1999]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Next you feel awkward, pay attention. That's your body's alarm system going off. Stop right there. As soon as I read the above.

Use this as an example of why you do not want to suppress awkward feelings.  If you are meeting someone for the first time, it should be EXTREMELY comfortable (any nervousness is the happy nervousness). 

If the meeting is not comfortable, something is wrong. Period. 

Oh, I agree with you! The awkwardness was because, the night before we met, she'd told me that she would not only be travelling away for the next few months, but that after a few months after returning to our city she would be leaving again, for a year abroad. This is something she didn't tell me when we started talking, literally I only found this out last week, or whenever. So, finding that out and then going to meet up with her made me feel... well, I found that I was just still dealing with the new knowledge that someone I felt slightly attached to had told me they were moving away for a long time, so really, I didn't feel like I was able to really enjoy the 'date'.

Honestly, I did feel a bit upset. Both at the fact that she is moving, and also the fact that it wasn't really disclosed to me sooner. So I think this all affected the date, as well as being with the flatmate. The first time we met was fun and we had a great time.. the second, was overshadowed by hearing about her moving away. 

[argoscard1999]

51 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, sometimes those shorter relationships can be a bit intense.

Well, she needs time to heal from their past hurts, and until she does, she most likely won't be able to engage emotionally on the level needed to lay the groundwork for a lasting relationship.

All you'll do is to gain feelings for someone who is attempting to lose feelings for someone else. How does that sound? Backwards.

So keep moving forward and try to redirect your attention elsewhere.

 

Yeah, I'm not trying to end up in a loop of unrequited feelings, to be honest. Too painful and no point, really. I will just start directing my focus towards other things, you're right.

[Lotsgoingon]

The key point is this: it doesn't matter why you feel uncomfortable. It really doesn't. You want to pay attention to it.  You have the right to be upset that this person is moving and didn't tell you. Don't apologize for that. That was a great time to say, "you know, I'm not comfortable with meeting since you're leaving." 

And move on.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, argoscard1999 said:

the night before we met, she'd told me that she would not only be travelling away for the next few months, but that after a few months after returning to our city she would be leaving again, for a year abroad

Eh, given the above, I wouldn't bother keeping in touch. 

She is going to be absent more than she is around, and it would likely have fizzled out at that point anyway. It sounds like she was looking for a chat-buddy more than anything else, unforuantely. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. She's neither a good romantic interest or friend.

There's a lot of great lessons here though.

Watch out for too much texting and not meeting in the timely fashion.  It's best not to get this overinvested and overinvolved before you even meet.

Try to heal from whatever past issues you have. Consider seeing a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Use cleaner clearer screening when dating. For example dating locally and meeting in a timely fashion.

The issue isn't that she's moving or when she decided to discuss that. The issue is overinvesting in someone you barely know on your part.

Reflect on what is really bothering you and what you're looking for in friends and in relationships.