Had been talking to someone, they ended it, feeling slightly sad and don't know if I should be honest w/ them

[vwisme]

18 hours ago, argoscard1999 said:

The next day, they messaged me with something really flippant, a reply to something I’d posted

Besides what everyone else wrote, this is actually what stuck out to me most. The fact that they didn't respect your wishes not to speak for awhile and on top of that was very flippant in response to a post that had nothing to do with them. Still liking your social media posts/stories/etc. 

This is manipulative and is a red flag imo. Walk away and don't look back. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and is open and honest. 

[argoscard1999]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. She's neither a good romantic interest or friend.

There's a lot of great lessons here though.

Watch out for too much texting and not meeting in the timely fashion.  It's best not to get this overinvested and overinvolved before you even meet.

Try to heal from whatever past issues you have. Consider seeing a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Use cleaner clearer screening when dating. For example dating locally and meeting in a timely fashion.

The issue isn't that she's moving or when she decided to discuss that. The issue is overinvesting in someone you barely know on your part.

Reflect on what is really bothering you and what you're looking for in friends and in relationships.

She seems very spontaneous in a way I've never really seen in anyone, before. Always out, always talking about meeting heaps of new people (which isn't a bad thing, but the rate at which she does it to me seems a lot), always travelling at the last moment. Even when we went out, she started asking me if I wanted to jump on a train to a city which was like 4 hours away, just for the hell of it. 

I agree about the overinvestment... I guess, at the beginning, there was a lot she hadn't told me.. it seemed every so often she would tell me something that was a major plan or something. I thought we had started off at the same page, because she was also appearing very into it, and I presumed it would progress naturally. I managed my feelings quite well in the early stages, I feel - it was only once we had met that my feelings developed deeper. Up until then, it was very fun and casual, and I was proud of the fact I was able to manage my feelings in that way. 

As for therapy yeah, I had extensive therapy about some other issues but sadly that therapist moved away. Currently in the process of seeking more long term, as I found it very helpful in many areas of my life and realised, during this whole thing with this woman that I would probably benefit from more. 

As for deleting her, I think that is probably the best option for me. It's difficult seeing her posting things and ignoring my messages or just responding hours later... So yeah.

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Eh, given the above, I wouldn't bother keeping in touch. 

She is going to be absent more than she is around, and it would likely have fizzled out at that point anyway. It sounds like she was looking for a chat-buddy more than anything else, unforuantely. 

I agree, re: moving around and probably at this point, the chat buddy concept. It doesn't seem worthwhile to be in touch with someone who is constantly moving around like that. 

[argoscard1999]

1 hour ago, vwisme said:

Besides what everyone else wrote, this is actually what stuck out to me most. The fact that they didn't respect your wishes not to speak for awhile and on top of that was very flippant in response to a post that had nothing to do with them. Still liking your social media posts/stories/etc. 

This is manipulative and is a red flag imo. Walk away and don't look back. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and is open and honest. 

I found this annoying/disrespectful, to be honest. We'd literally had a big conversation about me saying I'd be taking some time for myself, and then she did that. If it was the other way around, I would never have done that... really, to anyone. As someone that seems big on boundaries herself, I was surprised she did that, too. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, argoscard1999 said:

 It doesn't seem worthwhile to be in touch with someone who is constantly moving around like that. 

It isn't. 

She is just having fun in the moment, but isn't trying to nurture a connection with you that will last into the future. It's best to leave this person behind you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, argoscard1999 said:

As someone that seems big on boundaries herself, I was surprised she did that, too. 

This is an important point too - she can seem a lot of things, but since you have spent very little time together in person, you don't actually know her that well. 

People can say just about anything, but its their behaviour over time that tells us who they really are. That sort of thing can generally only be learned by spending time together in each other's physical presence. Given that this was primarily a digital thing, you don't truly know her on that level. 

So it is not too odd that she did something you didn't expect, purely because you don't know her well enough to assess how she will conduct herself in a given situation. 

[argoscard1999]

In response to me messaging her yesterday, she ended up responding. She messaged me briefly, then disappeared again. 

Now, I get it, she only wants to be friends. I clearly have other feelings, as this really bothered me - I don't really wish to be platonic friends or become her BFF. When we were rounding things up to an end, I kind of acted like I was fine with it, but I'm not, really. I also get that I slightly overinvested, and while I'm a bit embarrassed about that, it happens, so... but, I don't think I should really talk to her for a good period of time, if ever again. 

It's probably really dumb, but I wonder if I should be honest with her about how I'm feeling, and the fact that I can't be friends in this way, at the moment. I did tell her some of this already, and she messaged me the next day...but I don't think I can do waiting for a reply/chatting platonically every so often. She also at one point said (paraphrasing) "we decided not to date" and it wasn't a mutual thing at all, so I feel like she thinks I'm fine with this whole set up, to be honest. I just want to be honest and say that I'm not fine, and I need more space. I don't know.

[argoscard1999]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is an important point too - she can seem a lot of things, but since you have spent very little time together in person, you don't actually know her that well. 

People can say just about anything, but its their behaviour over time that tells us who they really are. That sort of thing can generally only be learned by spending time together in each other's physical presence. Given that this was primarily a digital thing, you don't truly know her on that level. 

So it is not too odd that she did something you didn't expect, purely because you don't know her well enough to assess how she will conduct herself in a given situation. 

This is such a good point, actually. I found that when she did that I realised yeah, I don't know her that well/much. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, argoscard1999 said:

It's probably really dumb, but I wonder if I should be honest with her about how I'm feeling, and the fact that I can't be friends in this way, at the moment. I did tell her some of this already, and she messaged me the next day...but I don't think I can do waiting for a reply/chatting platonically every so often. She also at one point said (paraphrasing) "we decided not to date" and it wasn't a mutual thing at all, so I feel like she thinks I'm fine with this whole set up, to be honest. I just want to be honest and say that I'm not fine, and I need more space. I don't know.

Telling her that you can't be friends again is merely saying what you've already said. She didn't respect your wishes enough to refrain from contacting you after you stated that you needed time to "clear your head," or whatever language you used.

So, when she reaches out to you, don't answer.

It's really difficult to maintain contact with someone when you have romantic feelings for them. Not to say that some people haven't succeeded by being able to manage and curb their expectations, but if it's preventing you from moving forward, it's best to cease contact altogether.

[vwisme]

I’m going to say that this is not healthy and please leave this person in the rearview. 
People who can’t respect your boundaries as simple as taking time to yourself aren’t wanting the best for you. They’re being selfish through their actions. 
 

Fwiw, I intentionally don’t rush relationships no matter how I or the other person feels. I don’t want to see how they “seem”. I want to see their true pattern of living. That reveals much more. 
 

Example. My ex came back recently and wanted to get back together. I didn’t jump back in but let her know we can take things slow and figure it out. A couple of weeks in I could tell she was being pushy to get back together by wondering why I wasn’t coming over every day or why I wasn’t texting her when I was out with friends. When I expressed I wanted a night or two to work and Journal to figure if this relationship is what I wanted - she got upset and pushed. Her true colors showed and so I walked away. 
People who care for you will respect your boundaries. 

[vwisme]

Also, please don’t bother giving her any energy or attention by speaking to her. She knew it wasn’t mutual. She knew what she was doing. She’s dodging accountability. 
 

Don’t make excuses for her bad behavior. Remove your attention and energy. She doesn’t want you as friends. She wants you as an ego stroke/orbiter. Intentional or not - that’s what she’s doing. 

[argoscard1999]

19 minutes ago, vwisme said:

I’m going to say that this is not healthy and please leave this person in the rearview. 
People who can’t respect your boundaries as simple as taking time to yourself aren’t wanting the best for you. They’re being selfish through their actions. 
 

Fwiw, I intentionally don’t rush relationships no matter how I or the other person feels. I don’t want to see how they “seem”. I want to see their true pattern of living. That reveals much more. 
 

Example. My ex came back recently and wanted to get back together. I didn’t jump back in but let her know we can take things slow and figure it out. A couple of weeks in I could tell she was being pushy to get back together by wondering why I wasn’t coming over every day or why I wasn’t texting her when I was out with friends. When I expressed I wanted a night or two to work and Journal to figure if this relationship is what I wanted - she got upset and pushed. Her true colors showed and so I walked away. 
People who care for you will respect your boundaries. 

You know, I was very hyper vigilant with her in general.. after a few bad experiences and also a few of my own mistakes in letting things slide with others, I was really trying to pay attention to everything. She seemed very attentive, open, communicated well, etc (that word 'seemed' again!) - but it was the messaging me a day after I said I was taking space that really stood out for me, too. I wondered if I hadn't been clear enough about it, or whether there was some other reason she did that. I went over the conversation, and I was very clear in saying "I hope you have a good week, hope the move goes well, I'll be taking some time for myself for a while" - to which she said "I'm going to do the same". There was no misunderstanding. So, I think perhaps you're right. I don't think she's a mean person, but I do think that was disrespectful, and I know I couldn't have done the same to her. 

Also, the orbiter thing... yeah, probably. Even now, the messages I sent her last night (after she responded 9 hours later) are being ignored again, and it seems this is the dynamic going forward; which I'm not interested in. I think the best thing is to yeah, just cut it loose and remove any more focus and attention. People do start acting differently when they're no longer interested, which is always funny to me. I am just pi$$ed I made it clear I didn't want to talk, now I'm the submissive one because she's leaving me on read. Annoying. But yeah. I think you're onto something with your POV.

[argoscard1999]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Telling her that you can't be friends again is merely saying what you've already said. She didn't respect your wishes enough to refrain from contacting you after you stated that you needed time to "clear your head," or whatever language you used.

So, when she reaches out to you, don't answer.

It's really difficult to maintain contact with someone when you have romantic feelings for them. Not to say that some people haven't succeeded by being able to manage and curb their expectations, but if it's preventing you from moving forward, it's best to cease contact altogether.

You're right, I'd be repeating myself. After coming here to talk about it, I realise I'm going to just try and draw a line under this, no more contact, no more looking at her feed, etc, and just move on. I don't think I am a person who can immediately remain in contact with people I've been interested in, so no contact it will have to be. It doesn't seem worth it to try and tell her how I feel, she seems already very distant and uninterested. No point opening up to further issues. Thank you so much for your input also, I found it really helpful 

[Katkats7777]

well, no one owes you anything, so it doesn't matter if you think they weren't honest or not.  that is the number one dating advice to people -someone breaks it off, don't waste your time on them and find someone else. 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Katkats7777

[ShyViolet]

23 hours ago, argoscard1999 said:

I don’t know if I should be honest and tell them how I am feeling, but then that just seems terrifying and I don’t really know to what extent that would help me.

Should I message them and tell them how I’m feeling?

No, absolutely not.  What would be the point of that?  She has already made it clear that she is not in a place to continue this relationship/friendship with you.  Messaging her further and dumping your feelings on her would only make you come off as desperate and like you aren't listening to what she has said.  Don't pursue someone who is showing you they aren't interested.  Let it go.

 

[argoscard1999]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

No, absolutely not.  What would be the point of that?  She has already made it clear that she is not in a place to continue this relationship/friendship with you.  Messaging her further and dumping your feelings on her would only make you come off as desperate and like you aren't listening to what she has said.  Don't pursue someone who is showing you they aren't interested.  Let it go.

 

Of course, I agree with this - which is why I haven't done it thus far. I have no plans to pursue or try to change anyone's mind. I have never done this before, as someone who used to act differently during break ups/splits - I've never just left it and let it go, which is why the urges are still slightly there. What I would appreciate is if she didn't contact me after I've said I needed space, but yeah. I don't plan to pursue someone who isn't interested, it was more just saying look, I can't be friends, I'm a little disappointed that things didn't work out, can't stay in contact, etc. That was it. But I agree on the whole.

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, argoscard1999 said:

What I would appreciate is if she didn't contact me after I've said I needed space, but yeah. I don't plan to pursue someone who isn't interested, it was more just saying look, I can't be friends, I'm a little disappointed that things didn't work out, can't stay in contact, etc. That was it. But I agree on the whole.

That's what the block button is for.

You can't control what other people do, you can only control your actions.

[Alpacalia]

56 minutes ago, argoscard1999 said:

You're right, I'd be repeating myself. After coming here to talk about it, I realise I'm going to just try and draw a line under this, no more contact, no more looking at her feed, etc, and just move on. I don't think I am a person who can immediately remain in contact with people I've been interested in, so no contact it will have to be. It doesn't seem worth it to try and tell her how I feel, she seems already very distant and uninterested. No point opening up to further issues. Thank you so much for your input also, I found it really helpful 

That is very understandable.

I was crazy about this person many years ago, and not contacting him was quite difficult.

The only thing that worked for me was to delete him on social media and go completely dark.

You've got this!

 

[stillafool]

OP, was this woman's ex a man or a woman?

[argoscard1999]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OP, was this woman's ex a man or a woman?

A guy, I think. 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, argoscard1999 said:

A guy, I think. 

Yeah, it's best you block her and move on.  She isn't serious.

Edited October 24, 2021 by stillafool

[argoscard1999]

Had some great answers and input here last time I posted, thanks everyone. 

Just felt like coming to vent a little bit... 

Since I messaged her the other day, she eventually responded. We then had a brief conversation, then she stopped responding - that was like, two days ago, and she hasn't responded since (to the messages I sent during the conversation). 

I'm under no illusion that it's 'over' or that she's interested in me, but I do feel a sense of - well, it's bugging me now, that I'm being ignored and almost feels like she's treating me with a little bit of disdain? Now - she doesn't owe me a response, just because she's active on social media, and we're not even involved with one another, no. I think it's just confusing that I asked her for space, she didn't respect that, now is leaving me on seen/ignored - which is the exact dynamic I was trying not to get into, hence the initial request for space. 

I wanna say also I know it wasn't a serious relationship, but it was my first romantic interaction in two years, so I did (although I didn't plan to) get slightly attached to this person. So, I'm not heartbroken or anything, but it is a bit... annoying. I feel like I have a few options, but don't know which is best... 

1. Block her. This feels like it would be helpful, but at the same time feels overly dramatic and almost like a protest behaviour to her ignoring me, and also might bring up feelings of having lost the opportunity for further interactions? Idk. 

2. Message her and ask her whether she actually wants to stay in touch? Not sure on this one. 

3. Message her and say that due to the non-response and whatever, I don't think we should be friends right now. This I feel is probably the most helpful for me, as it draws a clear line and boundary and I'm not expecting or waiting for any further contact, and I've addressed the fact that she's not responding. Also avoids the dramatics of blocking, and reiterates the boundary I set before, about taking time out. 

4. Do nothing. Leave her on my friends list. I know though, from the way I think and operate, that this will leave lots of room for hopeful thinking, hoping she'll message me, etc. 

I think I felt almost fine when I'd told her I wanted space and when things ended. It's only now that it's turned into a kind of game of cat and mouse where I'm being avoided that it's making me feel a bit funny. I do still like her, but I also know there's nothing I can do about that. I guess it's just not nice or helpful to see someone so active on the same platform that I'm being avoided on - I've hidden her activity, but it's still visible. So yeah.

[ExpatInItaly]

Block her. 

She isn't disdainful - she just isn't emotionally invested in you and only wants to be friends. Friends don't necessarily talk every day. Because you want more, you're seeing her behaviour as personal, when in reality, it's just her general indifference to staying in close contact with you. She isn't interested the way you are, so it's fine for her to keep all communication pretty casual and not respond to everything you write. However, it's proving too painful for you. 

You will have a hard time moving on if you leave any sort of avenue for contact open. She isn't going to become your girlfriend so staying in touch is pointless - unless you also want to see the next person she dates eventually show up on her socials. That will hurt you too much. 

Edited October 26, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Alpacalia]

Is this all through social media? If so, can you not just remove her from your social media platform? 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, argoscard1999 said:

Since I messaged her the other   . I feel like I have a few options, but don't know which is best... 

1. Block her. This feels like it would be helpful, but at the same time feels overly dramatic and almost like a protest behaviour to her ignoring me, and also might bring up feelings of having lost the opportunity for further interactions? Idk. 

2. Message her and ask her whether she actually wants to stay in touch? Not sure on this one. 

3. Message her and say that due to the non-response and whatever, I don't think we should be friends right now. This I feel is probably the most helpful for me, as it draws a clear line and boundary and I'm not expecting or waiting for any further contact, and I've addressed the fact that she's not responding. Also avoids the dramatics of blocking, and reiterates the boundary I set before, about taking time out. 

4. Do nothing. Leave her on my friends list. I know though, from the way I think and operate, that this will leave lots of room for hopeful thinking, hoping she'll message me, etc. 

I think I felt almost fine when I'd told her I wanted space and when things ended. It's only now that it's turned into a kind of game of cat and mouse where I'm being avoided that it's making me feel a bit funny. I do still like her, but I also know there's nothing I can do about that. I guess it's just not nice or helpful to see someone so active on the same platform that I'm being avoided on - I've hidden her activity, but it's still visible. So yeah.

It kind of feels like you're overthinking this. She's flaky. And you're emotionally invested. In addition, you seem to get more invested with each message you send.

What I've been able to gather from your posts is that interacting with her has managed to make you feel uncomfortable and insecure and awkward, all within a short period of time. From what I can tell those feelings on your part are a response to her actions. They didn't just pop out of the thin air. Someone spoke about your feelings as being an alarm bell of sorts. I agree. I think they're your way of telling yourself that there's something about this dynamic that does not feel right for you. It's not necessary to conceive of her as a bad person with bad intentions. It's enough to say you're uncomfortable.

Now, your number one priority in this situation should be you. So I suggest you remove yourself from the situation. Do that by blocking her. Don't initiate more conversations or simply unfriend because you are highly likely to respond when she inevitably pops out of the woodwork again and to allow yourself to get drawn into more unsatisfying interactions that cause your insecurity to spike. 

[glows]

You could just as well delete the contact and not see any more news feeds. As for the phone, don't respond to any messages. You don't owe her anything. I'm not sure what your impulse control is like. Not responding to any messages is an option and letting the friendship fade as I think you do need some space and distance.

Having a conversation about it would be too much as it's not her problem you feel this way. It's your problem. Only distance yourself and spend more time with your real friends and those who add to your life. Shift your attention to other areas and people in your life.