Had been talking to someone, they ended it, feeling slightly sad and don't know if I should be honest w/ them

[argoscard1999]

 

On 10/26/2021 at 9:00 AM, Acacia98 said:

It kind of feels like you're overthinking this. She's flaky. And you're emotionally invested. In addition, you seem to get more invested with each message you send.

What I've been able to gather from your posts is that interacting with her has managed to make you feel uncomfortable and insecure and awkward, all within a short period of time. From what I can tell those feelings on your part are a response to her actions. They didn't just pop out of the thin air. Someone spoke about your feelings as being an alarm bell of sorts. I agree. I think they're your way of telling yourself that there's something about this dynamic that does not feel right for you. It's not necessary to conceive of her as a bad person with bad intentions. It's enough to say you're uncomfortable.

Now, your number one priority in this situation should be you. So I suggest you remove yourself from the situation. Do that by blocking her. Don't initiate more conversations or simply unfriend because you are highly likely to respond when she inevitably pops out of the woodwork again and to allow yourself to get drawn into more unsatisfying interactions that cause your insecurity to spike. 

There is something about her as a person that is - I hate to say 'triggering', but there is. She was very inconsistent - inconsistency I realise is something that reopens something within me, and leads to a lot of anxiety and other issues. Not to say she is to blame for my problems, but there's definitely something about her or her behaviours that don't align with me. I don't think that was a good match.

There was also a point where she became slightly snappy with me - not majorly, but she kind of bluntly repeated something after I said I hadn't heard her, and this immediately caused me to dissociate for the rest of the time I was with her. It reminded me of an ex who would verbally abuse me in public - not to suggest this girl was abusive, but those small snappy comments was how it began. Yeah, now I think back, that really did cause me to zone out and feel anxious for the rest of the time I was with her, that day. 

Anyway, I just wanted to come back and thank you and everyone else for the input, it really helped me to view things from a different perspective and handle things well. So thank you!

 

[argoscard1999]

Probably won't be anyone here to see this, but... 

A few days ago, I guess I felt just a bit weak and messaged her. I said "hey, kinda miss chatting to you - I don't know, feels like something changed after we met up that day, almost wish we hadn't!" - this message wasn't really thought out and to be honest, I feel so silly for sending it. Either way, I am not beating myself up too much about that as we all make mistakes and I'm kind of at the point in my life where I just let mistakes like that slide, now (after a lot of work on self-blame and criticism, something I used to do a lot). 

She responded - "well yeah it did change, I decided I don't want to date people, and I only have the energy to invest in close friends right now". I just said "ok, cool", and that was the end of that conversation. I expected that kind of response and have no real issue with it, tbh. I'm not trying to understand what that means or why she phrased anything in a certain way, etc. The "close friends" thing threw me off a bit, as this wasn't what she said initially - it seemed as if she was saying she doesn't even wanna chat to me as a friend, now. Which I mean is fine, but it just seems different from her initial viewpoint when she ended things. 

Up until that point I've not really spoken to her.. I haven't mentioned feelings, haven't said anything to her. 

The next day, I had one message notification that disappeared before I could read or see it - usually this means the person has deleted - or unsent - the message. I asked my other friends whether they'd messaged me and they said no. Within two or three minutes, I had a message from this girl - just a meme with no comment. I do feel like she said something in the deleted message (I feel like it was her) and then quickly sent me a meme to look as if she'd actually sent me something. Well, I don't know, that's just my view. 

I guess it confused me - she just told me she didn't want to talk to anyone but close friends, and I'm certainly not a close friend of hers. I feel like her messaging me (similarly to when I said I needed space and then she messaged me but disappeared) is really confusing. So why say she didn't wanna talk to anyone and then message me, also after I'd just basically told her I missed her? 

Another issue is that I would really like to unfollow/block, but I realise I am having problems doing that. I really don't know why, or what it is. I know this would erase a lot of the issues I'm facing, but for some reason I seem unable to do it. But it's quite clear she's just not interested, for whatever reason. I did mute and restrict her, but this isn't stopping her messages from coming in. 

I think I'm just really tired of losing connections. I have a friend who is friends with all her exes on social media, and I admit that sometimes I feel jealous and frustrated that I don't have these connections - I am not in contact with any of my exes, we're all mutually blocked, don't talk, etc. I suppose I just don't want to experience that whole cutting people off thing again, and had been trying to do something different by leaving a connection open? I don't know. I do know that blocking her is the right thing to do here, but yeah. I don't know.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, argoscard1999 said:

, I decided I don't want to date people, and I only have the energy to invest in close friends right now"

Ok. This is good inspiration to delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Don't stay stuck. Help yourself move forward.

[Alpacalia]

No one is going to hammer you upside the head with a stick for reaching out to her, but you know you've taken a step back.

She's reaching out with meaningless chit-chat because you effectively said it's "ok" for the two of you to be friends after she expressly stated she doesn't want to date you.

Maintaining platonic friendships with ex-partners isn't always a bad thing, but it tends to be achievable once a significant amount of time has passed and there are no lingering thoughts or hopes of reconciliation on either side.

But I wouldn't use that as a blueprint for your relation with this particular woman.

You understand that the best way to move on from this is to avoid any further contact with this woman. Instead, you're leaving a door wide open.

 

[argoscard1999]

27 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

No one is going to hammer you upside the head with a stick for reaching out to her, but you know you've taken a step back.

She's reaching out with meaningless chit-chat because you effectively said it's "ok" for the two of you to be friends after she expressly stated she doesn't want to date you.

Maintaining platonic friendships with ex-partners isn't always a bad thing, but it tends to be achievable once a significant amount of time has passed and there are no lingering thoughts or hopes of reconciliation on either side.

But I wouldn't use that as a blueprint for your relation with this particular woman.

You understand that the best way to move on from this is to avoid any further contact with this woman. Instead, you're leaving a door wide open.

 

I think I just said "OK, cool" not because I agreed with it, but because what other response could I really give... I've learnt that saying anything else about how you may feel, etc, is pointless. 

It just seemed off to me that she made such a statement about only wanting to chat to close friends, but then reaching out to me. But maybe it's not that weird, I don't know. 

And you're right, I am leaving the door open - probably in hope of a reconciliation also, I'll admit that. I think though, as Wiseman also said above, I'm keeping myself stuck and will probably have to just unfollow. She doesn't seem interested in me at all beyond small talk, but it's not helping me.

[argoscard1999]

On 11/6/2021 at 11:53 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. This is good inspiration to delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Don't stay stuck. Help yourself move forward.

Thanks again for the input, everyone. I did deliberate again, but ended up unfollowing and blocking after she posted a photo of herself at a completely random location and it just making me feel really sad, and also made me start overthinking about who she was with/etc. 

I feel like I've lost a connection and also that there must be something wrong with me for not being able to just be 'cool' and stay following each other, I really would have liked to do that but I just feel unable to. I guess I also thought that she'd reach out and be interested again in the future, but I have no idea why - once something's finished it's finished. Feels a bit sad but I guess I did the right thing.

[Alpacalia]

That's really great OP.

Severing that last bit of connection is hard but you did it.

Good for you!

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, argoscard1999 said:

I feel like I've lost a connection and also that there must be something wrong with me for not being able to just be 'cool' and stay following each other,

There is nothing wrong with you, OP. You are being way too hard on yourself. 

Most people aren't comfortable staying in touch with someone who's told them they don't want to date them. Why should you be "cool" with this? It doesn't make you look like the bigger person or woke or whatever. It makes you look like you lack boundaries for yourself. It's perfectly fine to not want to have her on your socials anymore. 

As for losing a connection - some connections are not what we thought they were, and are best left in the past. This is one of those times. It was a one-time meet-up that didn't pan out. Staying in touch for meaningless chatter is hurting you. It's not a deep conneciton, and not one worth holding onto.