Should I Reach Out to a Former Male Friend?

[Alpacalia]

My male friend of 15 years said he had feelings for me and wanted to know whether I shared his feelings. I didn't, and I had no idea he felt that way so I was a bit taken back. He wanted to meet for cocktails a few times, but I didn't think it was a good idea at time.

We haven't communicated in months, and I'm missing our friendship. Aside from him, the only other close male friendship I have is from childhood.

I know he's struggling with some personal issues that some of our mutual friends recently mentioned to me in passing, and I wanted to check in to see how he was doing.

My query is, would it be inappropriate for me to contact him, or should I leave sleeping dogs lie?

I don't know how open/receptive he will be to me reaching out so I am kind of nervous. 

Edited October 23, 2021 by Alpaca

[Uruktopi]

I don´t see it as innapropiate as long as no one of both is also in a relationship with others

Given his feelings and for that reason, it would be problematic otherwise.

Anyhow, a friendship with someone with unilateral feelings for you may (only may) become complicated.

Friendship and ambiguity don´t go well together IMO.

Best wishes!   

Edited October 24, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

My male friend of 15 years 

I know he's struggling with some personal issues that some of our mutual friends recently mentioned to me in passing, and I wanted to check in to see how he was doing.

Are you connected on social media? Or do you generally stay in contact via text?

He may need a kind word and a friend right now. It seems he understands that it's not ever going to be a dating thing.

Edited October 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

I don´t see it as innapropiate as long as no one of both is also in a relationship with others

Yes, I thought about that too.

Thanks!

He does, in fact, have a girlfriend.  I'm not sure how his girlfriend would feel or whether she would care if I contacted him, but I do want to keep it in mind. 

It's been a few months since he told me about his feelings so maybe it's blown over by now. Although, he did say some pretty heavy stuff so I'm not really sure.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you connected on social media? Or do you generally stay in contact via text?

Both.

We went to the same school and maintained communication through various channels and in person, so we were always connected in some manner.

[Happy Lemming]

14 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I know he's struggling with some personal issues that some of our mutual friends recently mentioned to me in passing...

What about a "Get Well" card??

With a message of "hope things are better for you"... something along those lines.

[glows]

You both left off on that note prior so inquiring about him may be giving an impression that you’re romantically interested. I might have done so in the past but experience has shown those feelings didn’t fade for the other party. This happened with two male friends so there was no way to actually be friends as it was misinterpreted.

If you decide to inquire or show you care be comfortable with the possibility that he still has latent feelings for you and go through that conversation again. Whatever you decide I’m sure it’ll work out for the best.

 

[Pumpernickel]

5 hours ago, glows said:

I might have done so in the past but experience has shown those feelings didn’t fade for the other party.

I agree, and he might misinterpret your friendliness. It sucks to lose a friend, just because they like/love you in a different way than you are willing to like them back. What might help you navigate that friendship is the fact that he’s “taken”, though, so no matter how much he tells you he’s attracted to you, there’s always that relationship of his that’s standing between you as a protective shield, so to speak. I think if I were you, I would reach out, especially because you know from a third party that he’s not doing that great right now, and that’s what friends are for.
 

Just keep in mind that he might get pouty if you aren’t receptive to his advances, if he hasn’t stopped those by now. But you can always - gently - remind him of his relationship with his GF, too, just in case. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

I agree, and he might misinterpret your friendliness. It sucks to lose a friend, just because they like/love you in a different way than you are willing to like them back. What might help you navigate that friendship is the fact that he’s “taken”, though, so no matter how much he tells you he’s attracted to you, there’s always that relationship of his that’s standing between you as a protective shield, so to speak. I think if I were you, I would reach out, especially because you know from a third party that he’s not doing that great right now, and that’s what friends are for.
 

Just keep in mind that he might get pouty if you aren’t receptive to his advances, if he hasn’t stopped those by now. But you can always - gently - remind him of his relationship with his GF, too, just in case. 

Yes. It's sucky.

I believe we parted on good terms when I mentioned that I didn't feel "that way," but I wasn't sure contacting him would open up a bag worms because he has a girlfriend. Plus, when he offered getting together for drinks later, I was like, ooohhh, I don't think that's a good idea.

Maybe I'll send him a card just to let him know that I'm thinking of him and then contact him.

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

...to let him know that I'm thinking of him and then...

Ops!

[ShyViolet]

I think it would be really awkward to continue being friends with him after he told you he had feelings for you.  And I agree, he might misinterpret your reaching out now as your expressing interest also.

You can't rely on the fact that he has a girlfriend to keep it platonic between the two of you.  What if he were to break up with her.... then the issue would come up all over again.

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You can't rely on the fact that he has a girlfriend to keep it platonic between the two of you.  What if he were to break up with her.... then the issue would come up all over again.

Thanks.

I realize what you're saying, but I'm not going to base my decision just on that fact.

I'm also counting on the fact that I explicitly indicated that I had no romantic interest in him, and he hasn't pressed me on the subject afterwards.

 

[Sun Seeker]

He doesn't need your friendship, he has a girlfriend.

His romantic feelings towards you means staying any sort of friends with him is a waste of time. You both see each other differently. The fact he has not pressed the subject means nothing. His feelings are not going to disappear.

In the future when you have a boyfriend, you won't be giving this 'friend' any if your time (I hope) so it's just delaying the inevitable. Time to accept your paths crossed, but that's where the story ends. That's life.

[flitzanu]

On 10/23/2021 at 5:54 PM, Alpaca said:

My male friend of 15 years said he had feelings for me and wanted to know whether I shared his feelings. I didn't, and I had no idea he felt that way so I was a bit taken back. He wanted to meet for cocktails a few times, but I didn't think it was a good idea at time.

We haven't communicated in months, and I'm missing our friendship. Aside from him, the only other close male friendship I have is from childhood.

I know he's struggling with some personal issues that some of our mutual friends recently mentioned to me in passing, and I wanted to check in to see how he was doing.

My query is, would it be inappropriate for me to contact him, or should I leave sleeping dogs lie?

I don't know how open/receptive he will be to me reaching out so I am kind of nervous. 

are you concerned for your friend and miss the friendship, or are you concerned with your own lack of male friendship interaction?  between the lines it seems unclear if you are using this as an excuse to try to reconnect because you are lacking male friends as you mentioned, or if you're generally concerned.

if you missed the friendship, you didn't need to wait for some tragic event to try and reconnect, a person might see through that as a ruse.

again, just observation.  i'm not insinuating what may be true, or that you have any selfish intent.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

are you concerned for your friend and miss the friendship, or are you concerned with your own lack of male friendship interaction?  between the lines it seems unclear if you are using this as an excuse to try to reconnect because you are lacking male friends as you mentioned, or if you're generally concerned.

if you missed the friendship, you didn't need to wait for some tragic event to try and reconnect, a person might see through that as a ruse.

again, just observation.  i'm not insinuating what may be true, or that you have any selfish intent.

We'll both. I miss our friendship and I'm concerned about his health. 

I've chosen not to pursue male friends for my own reasons, it's not that I'm without that option. Plus, I have other friendships with my female friends.

We've been good friends for 15 years. I don't think I really need a reason to want to maintain our friendship.

If I wasn't cognizant of his feelings, I wouldn't have even asked.

 

[Els]

20 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Maybe I'll send him a card just to let him know that I'm thinking of him and then contact him.

I'm on the fence about contacting, but a card is a terrible idea!

IMO if you WERE to contact him, one of the best ways to keep things platonic is to treat him as how a male would treat a male friend. And 99.99999% of men do not send cards to their male friends - especially not "I'm thinking of you" cards.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Elswyth said:

I'm on the fence about contacting, but a card is a terrible idea!

IMO if you WERE to contact him, one of the best ways to keep things platonic is to treat him as how a male would treat a male friend. And 99.99999% of men do not send cards to their male friends - especially not "I'm thinking of you" cards.

What about like a get well soon house plant?  No card.

Edited October 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Alpaca said:

What about like a get well soon house plant?  No card.

Over the top. A simple  "how are you" message is better. That way he can decide to just chat, disclose this to you....or not.

If you didn't hear he's ill directly from him, do not send cards or gifts. He may prefer privacy about it and not appreciate his problems being gossiped about.

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Over the top. A simple  "how are you" message is better. That way he can decide to just chat, disclose this to you....or not.

If you didn't hear he's ill directly from him, do not send cards or gifts. He may prefer privacy about it and not appreciate his problems being gossiped about.

I'll figure it out but thanks for your input.

[mark clemson]

There's certainly nothing wrong with reaching out to an "occasional keep in touch" type friend to see how they're doing and/or do a little catching up. Since you're not interested in him this will stay platonic and not a threat to his R. I would suggest keeping it casual.

If you're lonely and want a stronger "friendship connection" then maybe seek elsewhere after getting in touch with him briefly - you don't want to start making his GF feel threatened by you. (She shouldn't, but SHE may not understand that.)

[Wiseman2]

On 10/24/2021 at 4:48 AM, Alpaca said:

He does, in fact, have a girlfriend. 

Ok. Definitely no cards or gifts to the house. Just a quick "how you doing". Don't send sympathy material to someone who has not personally chosen to share that with you.

[Els]

17 hours ago, Alpaca said:

What about like a get well soon house plant?  No card.

No gifts or cards IMO.

[Johnjohnson2017]

On 10/23/2021 at 6:54 PM, Alpaca said:

My male friend of 15 years said he had feelings for me and wanted to know whether I shared his feelings. I didn't, and I had no idea he felt that way so I was a bit taken back. He wanted to meet for cocktails a few times, but I didn't think it was a good idea at time.

We haven't communicated in months, and I'm missing our friendship. Aside from him, the only other close male friendship I have is from childhood.

I know he's struggling with some personal issues that some of our mutual friends recently mentioned to me in passing, and I wanted to check in to see how he was doing.

My query is, would it be inappropriate for me to contact him, or should I leave sleeping dogs lie?

I don't know how open/receptive he will be to me reaching out so I am kind of nervous. 

I think it would be a bad idea to contact him. He has his girlfriend and his other family/friends that can help him with the current problems he is having.

He is probably trying to forget the pain from your rejection. Contacting him would probably open up those wounds again. His girlfriend wouldn't like it either and would be questioning him.

Leave him alone.

If you randomly run into him in the street/supermarket/party, then you can chit chat with him.

[Alpacalia]

Alright no cards or plants.

I don't think I am going to reach out at all at this point.

Thanks everyone.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Alpaca

[glows]

40 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Alright no cards or plants.

I don't think I am going to reach out at all at this point.

Thanks everyone.

Your paths may cross another time and not appear so difficult to keep in touch. I think it was very thoughtful of you to want to reach out.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Your paths may cross another time and not appear so difficult to keep in touch. I think it was very thoughtful of you to want to reach out.

Thank you glows.

I really appreciate your thoughtful advice.