Mid 40s married man here. Struggling with desire for other women (purely physically)

[sittingbyafire]

I'm a man in my mid 40s and married to a woman 14 years younger. We've been together in total 10 years and married now 6 years. Mostly it's been quite a solid, wonderful loving relationship. Our sex life is quite healthy as we are both quite attracted to one another (we both keep quite fit). I do struggle though as I am really beginning to desire sleeping with other women (on a pure physical basis). I've been faithful our entire relationship and I plan to into our future. We've even openly discussed this issue of mine, to a degree. She knows I do at times struggle with this issue. She's even told me if I really need to have another woman, physically, it's ok for her and that she understands. She claims she does not have this desire, at all. I don't desire other women at some deeper emotional level, just pure sex is all I desire. I really don't know where to go with all of this as I feel a bit strange going off and sleeping with another woman or women with her knowing. Is she truly ok with this, I'm not sure. Maybe it would really hurt her and us, I worry about the deep consequences. Any thoughts? 

Edited January 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, sittingbyafire said:

Is she truly ok with this, I'm not sure. Maybe it would really hurt her and us, I worry about the deep consequences.

Sounds good on paper. However in practice things will go sideways very fast. Your marriage will not be the same and certainly won't improve.

[sittingbyafire]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds good on paper. However in practice things will go sideways very fast. Your marriage will not be the same and certainly won't improve.

Yah, that's pretty much what I'm thinking will happen

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, sittingbyafire said:

 I do struggle though as I am really beginning to desire sleeping with other women...

Maybe your wife could dye her hair a different color or even "roll play" with some foreign accent??

Do you think that might satisfy your desire??

Years ago, I dated this woman and she would re-invent herself every so often... different hair color and style, etc.  It was (almost) like sleeping with a different woman.

[central]

You know yourself and your wife best, so if you think opening the relationship will cause problems, then you're probably right.  If your wife really does mean what she says, then you could discuss arranging an escort.  Then you know it's purely for sex and neither of you need be concerned about an emotional connection developing.

We've had an open relationship for over 20 years, and that has worked for us to experience considerable sexual variety.  It might work for you if your wife is sincere about letting you pursue someone for sex only, but as I said, only you know if you might be able to make this work in your relationship.

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, sittingbyafire said:

Maybe it would really hurt her and us, I worry about the deep consequences

Maybe it has already hurt her and  your marriage.
It must not have been easy for her to hear you want other women especially since she is so much younger and you are having regular sex...

[poppyfields]

Look within to determine why you need so much external validation from random women sexually when you have a beautiful loving wife at home with whom you have a satisfying sex life. 

Begin there.  Seek therapy if necessary

Sounds like it may be a sex addiction of some sort which isn't about sex at all but rather filling a void inside you, a hole in your internal core and seeking validation through sex with randoms.. 

 

[sittingbyafire]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Look within to determine why you need so much external validation from random women sexually when you have a beautiful loving wife at home with whom you have a satisfying sex life. 

Begin there.  Seek therapy if necessary

Sounds like it may be a sex addiction of some sort which isn't about sex at all but rather filling a void inside you, a hole in your internal core and seeking validation through sex with randoms.. 

 

I'd have to agree with all of this to be honest...thx

 

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe it has already hurt her and  your marriage.
It must not have been easy for her to hear you want other women especially since she is so much younger and you are having regular sex...

I was coming to say the same thing.

That had to hurt her, OP, even if she doesn't express it directly. I don't think finding another woman to sleep with is the answer, either. That is likely to go badly, as it usually does when a couple is not already polyamorous. 

I would sit with yourself and dig deep to find out where this is coming from. It's normal to have passing desires for other people sometimes, but when it's reached this point of openly toying the idea of stepping outside the marriage, something else is going on. 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. Throughout history top-tier (and even mid-tier) males have desired and had multiple female partners. This has even been institutionalized in social structures like harems, concubines, geishas, and acknowledged/accepted mistresses, not to mention swinging and open polyamory. So I wouldn't say that in and of itself having the urge (even the relatively strong urge) to screw around is somehow pathological.

Our society tends to frown on it and if your assessment is that it's not worth it for you (e.g. due to the risk of harm to your marriage), you are probably wise to follow your own counsel WRT actually acting on it.

If YOU feel that your urges are so troublesome that they bother you significantly, then perhaps it would indeed be wise to see a therapist. I personally  doubt you have a sex addiction and strongly suspect that, while sex addiction no doubt exists, it is a lot rarer than is believed by the general populace. For example, you have not actually acted on your impulses - so I doubt you have an actual addiction, with the loss of self control that implies. However, you might have some sort of relatively minor psychological issue that is distressing you. Exactly what that might be would be for you and a therapist to figure out.

[elaine567]

Does this need for other women come from a "player" type lifestyle at one point in your life, that you feel you would like to revisit, or does it come from a dearth of experience and variety, that now you regret and want to make up for?

Does your wife have a lot of experience? Sometimes men feel emasculated by a woman whose numbers are higher, and who has  had a more exciting prior sexual life. 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sitting, the question that you have to ask yourself is are you prepared to see your wife sleep with other men? Once you've crossed that line you will have no right to expect her to stand by dutifully and not seek the same privileges as you. As a woman she will have a choice of many men with which to have sex with and considering that she is much younger than you, one or the other of these men may take her fancy and she will dump you like a hot potato to settle down with him. As a younger woman she will be a hot favourite for many men. So I guess you have your choices cut out for you! Choose wisely. Warm wishes.

Edited October 25, 2021 by Just a Guy
Correction of errors.

[DKT3]

Alot of people are good with allowing their partners to live with an illusion of who they are. 

Marriage doesn't mean you will never or no longer desire other people.  Being honest with yourself and your partner can often keep it at just desire.

I applaud your honesty,  I never believed anyone who said they don't or never desires anyone else.  Its actually biologically impossible.  Whats important is not trying to convince yourself or your partner that you are not, have not or will not be attracted to other people,  but to reaffirm your commitment and desire to respect their feelings by not acting on the attraction.  

Humans are attracted too and desire other humans, its an undeniable FACT. Marriage doesn't end that. How you react to it is the important part. 

Edited October 25, 2021 by DKT3

[BaileyB]

Acting here,  hold bring some variety to your sex life. 

But, at what cost? Potentially, at the cost of hurting the woman you love, losing your marriage, losing the home you have built together, and breaking up your family.

Pro vs. Con - is the benefit worth the risk? 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/24/2021 at 9:24 AM, sittingbyafire said:

I do struggle though as I am really beginning to desire sleeping with other women.

"Struggle"? This isn't a hardship, it's a kink.

Keep things in perspective. 

[sittingbyafire]

20 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Does this need for other women come from a "player" type lifestyle at one point in your life, that you feel you would like to revisit, or does it come from a dearth of experience and variety, that now you regret and want to make up for?

Does your wife have a lot of experience? Sometimes men feel emasculated by a woman whose numbers are higher, and who has  had a more exciting prior sexual life. 

I wasn't much a player when I was younger. Sure, I had several women in my 20s and 30s but I was not a player by any means. I just simply miss the variety of different body types to explore. It really just comes down to that. My wife doesn't have a lot of experience, no. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, sittingbyafire said:

I just simply miss the variety of different body types to explore. It really just comes down to that. 

Life is all about choices. Like everyone, the decisions you make will determine your path and affect the quality of your life. 

As I said above, you can have sexual variety but it may well come at the cost of your marriage and family. Which do you value more? 

Personally,I agree with those who say that you need to understand this interest lest you act and suffer the consequences of that decision. And there are many ways that you can enjoy a healthy and adventurous sex life with your wife - 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaileyB