Did I make a mistake?

[Maybemistake]

I had a friend of 20 years. We have been friends living overseas and continue the friendship when we returned to the states.  I returned to the states 6 years before she did and she always made the effort to  come see me when she was in the states.  2 years ago I lost my mom at the same time her little dog died.  Her dog was her life, it traveled with her everywhere and I mean everywhere.  She also had a maid that traveled with her to babysit the dog when she would have to leave it alone.  She always considered the dog before she made any commitments.  Anyway we went on a weekend getaway right after our losses and she was strange. She seemed like someone I didn’t know.  She is also very intelligent and knows all about the internet, phones, computers, that sort of stuff.  When we got back from our trip I got a video clip of a laughing man.  I felt like she was making fun of my mother’s death.  I called her and accused her of making fun of my mother’s death and she said she didn’t realize she sent it.  My daughters’s graduation was a month away at this time and she did fly up to attend.  Over the next few months I had weird feelings about her.  Then 6 months after I accused her of sending the video clip to me my iPhone started acting up.  My Apple ID was messed up and I just knew it was her hacking my iphone.  I called her up and accused her of hacking my iphone and I could tell it made her mad.  She mailed back to me every gift I had ever given her.  I told her I didn’t want the situation to end our friendship but I think it has.  She kept asking me why I would think such terrible thoughts about her and I didn’t tell her it was just a feeling I had.  I didn’t have any proof or anything.  I just felt it.  Did I make a mistake expressing my opinions and accusing her?  I haven’t heard from her in a year. Also I might add that around when her dog died she also found out she was adopted, something that was hidden from her for 60 years and also she developed a err I left skin rash.  

[ShyViolet]

I'm genuinely confused as to why you jumped to the conclusion that she was making fun of your mother's death.  Where are you getting that from?  That assumption just seems a little out of nowhere and extreme.  It would take a very sick and twisted person to make fun of someone's mother's death... I'm not sure how you could think a person you had been friends with for 20 years would just randomly do something like that.  Sounds like not enough evidence to jump to that conclusion.

Likewise with the "hacking" of your phone.  Where are you getting the idea from that she hacked your phone?  It just sounds like you randomly fabricated that idea out of thin air, with no evidence.  

I don't blame her for ending the friendship after you accused her of those things.  This all sounds a little crazy.

Maybe this friendship has run its course and it's time to just move on from her.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Maybemistake said:

 she developed a err I left skin rash.  

Sorry this happened. Bring your phone in to check for malware. She may stupidly forward stuff that's infected, then you open it. 

She seems quite weird. With the dog maid and all that. Was she ever married? 

Unfortunately she doesn't seem like a good or trustworthy friend. Just sort of an eccentric self absorbed acquaintance.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media, devices and messaging apps.

What do you mean by skin rash? STDs?

[glows]

11 hours ago, Maybemistake said:

Did I make a mistake expressing my opinions and accusing her?  I haven’t heard from her in a year. 

Yes, I think so. She can't be much of a friend to you if you are coming to conclusions like this. Let it be and ignore anything else that has to do with her. Make new friends in your neighbourhood and join meet ups and groups where you are meeting people face to face. 

Grief counselling might be of help to you also processing your mother's death. I'm sorry to hear this. 

[Maybemistake]

Maybe I should update and answer a few questions to clarify things.  I don’t know why the accusations popped in my head.  She said I was projecting my thoughts to her, maybe I was I don’t know.  Yes she is married to an executive at a major us company.  She does not have kids but raised his two kids which I know she is very close to.  She had many privileges overseas because of her husband’s position and she was very generous in sharing them with me, things like having her own car and driver, she let me have whenever I needed-  when we met up it just seemed she was not very interested in me.  I know she has friends all over the world, I felt very unimportant to her.  
 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Maybemistake said:

-  when we met up it just seemed she was not very interested in me.

Her dog just died.
Sounds like he/she was the kid she never had.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Maybemistake said:

Maybe I should update and answer a few questions to clarify things.  I don’t know why the accusations popped in my head.  She said I was projecting my thoughts to her, maybe I was I don’t know.  

This actually doesn't clarify anything.  This just further suggests that you made these accusations with no evidence whatsoever.  The fact that you came up with these baseless accusations suggests an issue with you, not her.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Maybemistake said:

Maybe I should update and answer a few questions to clarify things.  I don’t know why the accusations popped in my head.  She said I was projecting my thoughts to her, maybe I was I don’t know.  Yes she is married to an executive at a major us company.  She does not have kids but raised his two kids which I know she is very close to.  She had many privileges overseas because of her husband’s position and she was very generous in sharing them with me, things like having her own car and driver, she let me have whenever I needed-  when we met up it just seemed she was not very interested in me.  I know she has friends all over the world, I felt very unimportant to her.  
 

Sounds like you have built up resentment over the years 

[Maybemistake]

I think I did build up a little resentment because she was  still living this fabulous life and mine was boring.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Maybemistake said:

 she is married to an executive at a major us company.  . generous in sharing them with me, things like having her own car and driver, she let me have whenever I needed-. I felt very unimportant to her.  
 

Maybe she's used to treating everyone like a lapdog?🐩

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Maybemistake said:

I think I did build up a little resentment because she was  still living this fabulous life and mine was boring.  

It's good that you're able to see this because this means room for improvement. You're now in a new place, new life. What will you do?

 

[spiderowl]

20 hours ago, Maybemistake said:

I had a friend of 20 years. We have been friends living overseas and continue the friendship when we returned to the states.  I returned to the states 6 years before she did and she always made the effort to  come see me when she was in the states.  2 years ago I lost my mom at the same time her little dog died.  Her dog was her life, it traveled with her everywhere and I mean everywhere.  She also had a maid that traveled with her to babysit the dog when she would have to leave it alone.  She always considered the dog before she made any commitments.  Anyway we went on a weekend getaway right after our losses and she was strange. She seemed like someone I didn’t know.  She is also very intelligent and knows all about the internet, phones, computers, that sort of stuff.  When we got back from our trip I got a video clip of a laughing man.  I felt like she was making fun of my mother’s death.  I called her and accused her of making fun of my mother’s death and she said she didn’t realize she sent it.  My daughters’s graduation was a month away at this time and she did fly up to attend.  Over the next few months I had weird feelings about her.  Then 6 months after I accused her of sending the video clip to me my iPhone started acting up.  My Apple ID was messed up and I just knew it was her hacking my iphone.  I called her up and accused her of hacking my iphone and I could tell it made her mad.  She mailed back to me every gift I had ever given her.  I told her I didn’t want the situation to end our friendship but I think it has.  She kept asking me why I would think such terrible thoughts about her and I didn’t tell her it was just a feeling I had.  I didn’t have any proof or anything.  I just felt it.  Did I make a mistake expressing my opinions and accusing her?  I haven’t heard from her in a year. Also I might add that around when her dog died she also found out she was adopted, something that was hidden from her for 60 years and also she developed a err I left skin rash.  

Oh dear, it sounds like you were going through a paranoid patch and were ascribing more significance to events than they deserved.

It could well be that she accidentally sent you something, having pressed a wrong key on her phone.  I can see why you might have thought she was making fun of you if you thought it was deliberate, but she said she was unaware of having sent it.  She doesn't sound to me the kind of person who would do something so thoughtless so I would assume it was an accident.

If it was a video sent by email, then it is entirely possible that HER email was hacked and that the hacker sent the video to all her email contacts.  She would not have known anything about this until her contacts told her.  If you opened the email and clicked on any links in it, you may have inadvertently downloaded hacker software.  These kinds of emails are a real nuisance; the 'sender' is usually unaware they are being sent out in their name.

What were these weird feelings you were having about her, apart from the ones you mention?  

It is highly unlikely that she had the technical capability (or desire) to hack your iPhone.  Why on earth would she want to do that?  It does sound like paranoia.  As you have said yourself, you didn't have any proof.  You made accusations towards her and she must have been very confused and then angry that you would behave like this.

Yes, I would say you made a mistake.  I am sure you didn't intend to hurt her or cause her any problems but you did so because you became paranoid.  It really might help you to see a mental health professional about those feelings because, unless they have gone now, you are likely to continue to struggle with them.  Have you had these kinds of problems before?

You were both facing the aftermath of serious emotional losses.  It is not surprising that neither of you were yourselves.  I think it would help you to talk to someone like a counsellor about the difficulties you are facing and about what happened with your friend.  If I were you, I would apologise to your friend and explain that you were not yourself.  There is no guarantee she would want to resume the friendship though.

Edited October 25, 2021 by spiderowl

[Whispertomyheart]

Do you know anything about grief?  If the dog was her life she was and probably still is grieving and devastated.  Grief changes people.  You probably didnt know who she was because she doesn't know  who she was.  Some very life changing events happen to the woman.  Finding out you are adopted after 60 years is shattering.  She didnt act the way you wanted or expected so you decide to attack her.  What did you think would happen after all of your nasty accusations, did you think that far a head?  She didnt act the way you wanted because she couldn't.  Her world fell apart when her dog died.  To you it was just a dog but it probably meant everything to her.  Love is love no matter where it comes from.  Other have suggest you need to block her but it seems thats not necessary, she hasn"t been in touch for a year.   I think you made a terrible mistake and i think it is too late to fix.  You had a generous, thoughtful friend that always kept in touch and made time for you.  Your unfounded crazy accusations had nothing to do with her and everything to do with yourself.  ' i am not what you think I am, you are what you think I am" Buddha quote

[Nothanks]

If she was a good friend for so many years, why would she do any of the things you accused her of?  It doesn’t make sense. It does sound like you jumped to conclusions a bit too quickly. It doesn’t matter now though. Don’t bother trying to reconnect with her. Your friendship is OVER. 

[Foxhall]

I think you know that you did make a mistake,

There is no easy solution to this,

It might be vaguely similar to how I landed first on this forum, lamenting a lost friendship,

The best you can hope for is a scaled back version of the previous friendship, 

once there is a serious fallout even a few words is all that caused it,  if they hurt the person to a large extent, that can be enough for things never to be the same again,

the injured party loses respect for their previous good friend and it can take a lot of time perhaps years to repair,

all you can do is move on live your life and work towards a reconciliation at some point- but accepting it will not be as close between you as previously.

 

dont feel too down over it, you made a mistake fair enough but you tried to apologise- if the friend does not accept that- it is out of your control- in time she will forgive you but as I say it wont be quite as good as in the past.

hmmn thats life.

 

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Foxhall

[Alvi]

On 10/24/2021 at 8:43 PM, Maybemistake said:

When we got back from our trip I got a video clip of a laughing man.  I felt like she was making fun of my mother’s death.

What that has to do anything with your mother?

On 10/24/2021 at 8:43 PM, Maybemistake said:

Then 6 months after I accused her of sending the video clip to me my iPhone started acting up.  My Apple ID was messed up and I just knew it was her hacking my iphone.  I called her up and accused her of hacking my iphone and I could tell it made her mad.

That sounds so paranoid. You should get a good proof before throwing accusations like this. 

Have you seen a doctor to get a check up? 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Alvi said:

Have you seen a doctor to get a check up? 

Gently.   I think this is a good idea.  My aunt would come up with these types of accusations of people just before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.  I wish you the best.