My Journey in Polyamory, Compersion and dealing with insecurity & jealousy

[Fox Sake]

Is there anyone here with any experience in non monogamous relationships? 
I have met someone who I have a very deep connection with. So much that it moves us both deeply, it’s actually mind blowing. I’ll use the term “soul mate” very loosely , but that should give you some sort of idea as to the the kind of connection I’m talking about and it’s a very mutual feeling of comfort and familiarity between 2 old souls. The kind where you can communicate a lifetime in a locked gaze and smiles. As cheese as that sounds , I hope that’s given a small amount of context. 
 

She is not monogamous. I think I’m okay with this. It’s very new to me , I have no experience in this at all but I’m wondering how people deal with certain feelings and emotions that can revolve around jealousy and insecurity in these situations? I think this is going to be a healthy test to go through in life. Insecurity has plagued me before now and maybe I can finally confront it somehow. I’m very open minded approaching this scenario in life. 
 

I’m well aware that the dance between compersion and jealousy is a life long lesson to grow and learn from, but I would be interested to hear of anyone has any experience with this? 
It’s never been something I considered ever before , but entertaining the thought for some reason seems kind of beautiful and free right now. I have a habit in the distant past of meeting someone and then freaking out when committed. So I feel like this a logical step in life. Maybe it even appeared to me for a reason. Who knows …
 

Anyways. Anyone with any experience , please speak up. I would prefer positive reinforcement if possible! Not that I’m only looking to read what I want to hear , but I would like to feel like I can attain the tools to manage it. 
 

 

Edited November 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Updated title at OP's request

[glows]

See how it goes and be open with one another. The boundaries and how much info is shared or disclosed as time goes on in your other relationships needs to be decided between the two of you. Other people outside of your relationship don't make those decisions. If you have questions talk with her about them. 

[Alpacalia]

I don't really have much advise to offer but isn't it kind of the same to casual dating?

[Pumpernickel]

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

kind of the same to casual dating?

.... or some FWB situation with a VERY close friend? 

[Fox Sake]

Thank you for these responses. 
I think there is some difference to casual dating. Then again tho , maybe there isn’t apart from the deep connection that is shared? 
This is all new to me , I’m trying to embrace it and understand, grow and learn. 

I agree that communication is important.  I have actually discussed all this with her. Thankfully communication is one of my love languages and is hers too. 
I was just interested to know if anyone one else had a journey of compersion or was ever in a similar situation and how you managed your thought process and emotions. She has 10 years experience in practice so I’m a long way behind. Basically a baby 🤣
 

I think this will be a real challenge but I’m looking forward to seeing how much I can grow and learn about myself. It’s been a long time since I last tread on totally unknown grounds
 

[central]

My wife and I have been in an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationship for 21 years.  There've been considerable periods of time when neither of us was actively seeing someone else, but the option always existed.  The morethantwo website has info on ENM, and there are articles on jealousy.

Jealousy is sometimes a problem, but it can usually be overcome with good communication and understanding.  Compersion can follow from that.  This is something that may need constant attention, because relationships and feelings aren't static.  Wanting to overcome jealousy is a very good first step.  Feeling secure in your relationship makes it easier to overcome jealousy.  Being sensitive to each other's hopes and fears helps to manage such relationships.  Realize that every partner brings something different to enjoy; it does not make them better (or worse).  

ENM relationships can range from casual to long term polyamorous commitment.  We've experienced the entire range.  It has been wonderful and exciting journey for us.  We have a very solid relationship, so one of the core triggers for jealousy does not exist, which is the fear that our partner might leave us for someone else.  Yes, it could happen, but that can happen in any relationship, even supposedly committed monogamous ones.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

Thank you for these responses. 
I think there is some difference to casual dating. Then again tho , maybe there isn’t apart from the deep connection that is shared? 
This is all new to me , I’m trying to embrace it and understand, grow and learn. 

I'd imagine one of the keys to your relationship's success is that you're both okay with having other romantic partners and that you're both honest with each other about yourselves and your limitations.

Because she's having sexual relations with other men, she's not giving you something that no one else is. And, same for you. However, I'm sure you're taking all essential precautions, and you appear to be aware of your vulnerability to some of the potential pitfalls.

[flitzanu]

contrary to your request, i also have no "experience" with the area you're seeking.  i did though, have an observation on your phrasing.

you jest about "soulmate" in so many words.

wouldn't the very notion of a soulmate be...just that...a soulMATE?  and not the SOULS-mate of every new guy she fancies?

what concerns me is the deepness you're seeing in this as a potential, and ignoring the open contradiction of her not wanting to commit to anything.  that seems very separated from a "soul mate" feeling on her part.

[poppyfields]

Foxy, when you say she is not monogamous, do you mean she is actively engaging in sex with other men?

OR rather does she desire the option and freedom to do so if and when she feels so inclined?

Personally speaking, I think rules and restrictions with regard to monogamy or anything else are stifling and often cause the very thing couples are trying to avoid ---> cheating, lying, deception.

When you have a close intense and loving bond with your partner and you give each other the freedom to do as they wish (including the freedom to have sex with others should they so desire), you might find their desire to do so diminishes greatly.

Anyway, such is the nature of traditional relationships.  Monogamy, possessiveness, jealousy, dependence.  No thank you.

I do not believe these things foster LOVE in the true sense of the word.

This does not mean NOT having boundaries.  One can have boundaries but still encourage freedom, openness and honesty in their relationships.  I believe a couple might even become closing and more loving without such rules and restrictions.

JMO.

Hope that helps!!

Edited October 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I'd imagine one of the keys to your relationship's success is that you're both okay with having other romantic partners and that you're both honest with each other about yourselves and your limitations.

Foxy didn't say other "romantic" partners, he said other "sexual" partners.  

Two different things that mean different things and impact the relationship differently.

Edited October 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Two different things that mean different things and impact the relationship differently.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Maybe he'll clarify for us at some point.

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, I see what you mean.

Maybe he'll clarify for us at some point.

I think he already did though, at least that is the sense I got from his post. 

Non-monogamy = having a sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.

I don't think anyone would be okay with their partner developing "romantic" feelings for someone else, that is an entirely different thing and would actually threaten their bond and relationship.

But the freedom to engage in sex with others is becoming more popular as people are realizing more and more that monogamy and other such restrictions just don't work and foster the very jealousy and dependence Foxy is attempting to avoid.

I realize this is a very non-traditional way of conducting relationships, but I am beginning to embrace the concept.

I can't say I am all the way there yet, but I think it makes sense.  

Edited October 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[central]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I think he already did though, at least that is the sense I got from his post. 

Non-monogamy = having a sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.

I don't think anyone would be okay with their partner developing "romantic" feelings for someone else, that is an entirely different thing and would actually threaten their bond and relationship.

But the freedom to engage in sex with others is becoming more popular as people are realizing more and more that monogamy and other such restrictions just don't work and foster the very jealousy and dependence Foxy is attempting to avoid.

I realize this is a very non-traditional way of conducting relationships, but I am beginning to embrace the concept.

I can't say I am all the way there yet, but I think it makes sense.  

The part I bolded is the the basis of polyamory.  It doesn't usually threaten the bond or relationship for people who ARE poly by nature.  My wife and I have both had poly relationships, some of which lasted over 10 years.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I think he already did though, at least that is the sense I got from his post. 

Non-monogamy = having a sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.

I don't think anyone would be okay with their partner developing "romantic" feelings for someone else, that is an entirely different thing and would actually threaten their bond and relationship.

But the freedom to engage in sex with others is becoming more popular as people are realizing more and more that monogamy and other such restrictions just don't work and foster the very jealousy and dependence Foxy is attempting to avoid.

I realize this is a very non-traditional way of conducting relationships, but I am beginning to embrace the concept.

I can't say I am all the way there yet, but I think it makes sense.  

I don't recall him saying anything about it other than that it's a "non-monogamous" relationship.

However, I suppose that when two people are in a non-monogamous relationship, they may develop both types of sentiments (romantic and/or sexual) towards someone else outside of their non-monogamous relationship.

But I suppose that's a possibility even in a monogamous relationship.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

I have met someone who I have a very deep connection with. She is not monogamous. I think I’m okay with this. 

How long have you been dating? Sounds like a nice connection so far.

What exactly do you hope to do when she's out with others? Hopefully you are also seeing others.

Non-exclusive, casual dating happens all the time.

What other relationships is she in, exactly? Is she married? Living with someone?

Make sure you keep your investment low. Stay true to yourself.

[elaine567]

Sounds to me like you have fallen hard and are now trying to get your head round the fact she is not only having sex with others but the deep connection you feel with her, she may  also be having with other guys. You are trying hard to find joy in that. 
I am just  not sure if the answer to "insecurity" is to dive into a relationship where insecurity is a given.
A feeling of insecurity is really your gut telling you all is not well in the world, you are not safe, cosy and warm. 
It often gets a bad rap but it is fundamentally there to protect you.

However you also have a commitment-phobic string to your bow, so this arrangement gives you an out. 
Commitment to an extent, but no commitment at the same time.

[notbroken]

Jealousy is a natural human emotion.  Unless you are the kind of person that can turn that off then expect problems in your relationship with her.   I personally couldn't do it, but there are apparently quite a lot of people that say/think they can.   Only you can decide, but my advice is to 'guard your heart' - this lady is going to break it. 

[PotatoHead]

I have some limited experience on the subject, but if you're only looking for positive reinforcement on the idea, you may as well skip my post.

Was married for 8 years to my ex wife before she told me she felt she was non-monogamous.  She had met someone she felt a connection with and wanted to see where it went.  We tried having an open marriage/ENM relationship for a couple of years, but ultimately it was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

Maybe some are capable of it, but having more than one partner I feel severely limits the connection you can have with each of them.  I don't think it is human nature to love multiple people and be okay with them loving others.  Just my opinion, but it's a way for those who can't remain faithful to one person to try and make it "okay" to have multiple partners.  

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

it's a way for those who can't remain faithful to one person to try and make it "okay" to have multiple partners.  

Yes, agreed.
People who are naturally monogamous can get railroaded into accepting open marriages  and other like arrangements, but as it is not who they are, it will never work out well for them. 

Open arrangements work best when both are happily non-monogamous.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, central said:

The part I bolded is the the basis of polyamory.  It doesn't usually threaten the bond or relationship for people who ARE poly by nature.  My wife and I have both had poly relationships, some of which lasted over 10 years.

OK thank you, I stand corrected! 

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But the freedom to engage in sex with others is becoming more popular as people are realizing more and more that monogamy and other such restrictions just don't work and foster the very jealousy and dependence Foxy is attempting to avoid.

Surely that is "casual" and nothing to do with polyamory where the core bonds survive and last despite exploring sex with others.
What you are describing is a free for all...

Edited October 26, 2021 by elaine567

[Els]

I'm not in one, but I've been around kink circles for a long time and know folks who are poly.

Essentially, poly is like 24/7 D/s, it's not going to work unless both of you are into it. You can't talk yourself into "compersion" if you yourself are not inherently poly, because it would always be a compromise. A compromise where you are on the giving end 24/7, eventually leading to resentment and anger and sadness. I know a monogamous woman who tried to do this with her "poly" spouse for 7 years and it eventually fell apart. She spent those 7 years getting progressively more and more unhappy, it was an absolute trainwreck and took its toll on her physical and mental health. Don't be that person.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Surely that is "casual" and nothing to do with polyamory where the core bonds survive and last despite exploring sex with others.
What you are describing is a free for all...

Not exactly a "free for all," there are boundaries.  It's simply a less traditional way of conducting relationships within which the core bond also survives.   No need to misrepresent and refer to it as a free for all, that's not fair.  It's also untrue.

And come on let's face it, the cheating, lying, deception and other inane bs that takes place in many traditional relationships today are destroying the sanctity of commitment, romance and pure love from the heart.

So why not encourage more openness and honesty?  Doesn't mean they're out there screwing every tom, d*ck and harry, if the bond is strong that shouldn't happen.

It only means their RL is more HONEST versus checking your partner's phone for signs of cheating/deception or hiring a private investigator or enforcing other restrictions on your partner due to their own anxieties and insecurities.  I just read a post on another forum suggesting placing a keyboard logger on their partner's phone!   Surely no one can believe this is right or fair.

If one partner finds he/she cannot handle that type of honesty and openness and prefers a more traditional type of RL, then leave the RL and find someone else.

That is the beauty of having freedom of choice.

EDIT:  What happened to the OP?  He seems to have created this thread, then left the building.

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[PotatoHead]

It is possible to be open, honest, and happy in a monogamous relationship.   If adopting a poly lifestyle just because you can't hold yourself to those standards with one person, best of luck to you.

 

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

You can't talk yourself into "compersion" if you yourself are not inherently poly, because it would always be a compromise. A compromise where you are on the giving end 24/7, eventually leading to resentment and anger and sadness. I know a monogamous woman who tried to do this with her "poly" spouse for 7 years and it eventually fell apart. She spent those 7 years getting progressively more and more unhappy, it was an absolute trainwreck and took its toll on her physical and mental health. Don't be that person.

 

This is accurate.

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

It is possible to be open, honest, and happy in a monogamous relationship.   If adopting a poly lifestyle just because you can't hold yourself to those standards with one person, best of luck to you.

 

I wasn't talking about a poly lifestyle, I don't know enough about that lifestyle to advise either way.

I was referring to an open, honest, non-monogamous relationship within which the bond is strong as is the topic of this thread and something posed by the FoxSake in his original post.  Not poly which as far as I know, it something entirely different.

I am sure there are many couples who are in open, honest monogamous relationships.  I agree with you about that.

If you read my earlier post, you would have read that my belief is when a couple has such openness and honesty, the need to step out into non-monogamy decreases exponentially. 

Meaning, feeling stifled and restricted and bound by the rules dictating most traditional relationships are the very tenets that might cause one or both to want to cheat and deceive in the first place

I have seen it happen more times than I care to think about or count.