My Journey in Polyamory, Compersion and dealing with insecurity & jealousy

[PotatoHead]

Okay, gotcha @poppyfields  I can see where you're coming from.

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, PotatoHead said:

Okay, gotcha @poppyfields  I can see where you're coming from.

Thanks!  Not many folks do around here, so I appreciate it!

Welcome to the forum BTW.  Hope you enjoy your stay.  😂

[Fox Sake]

Oh my, I was not expecting all these responses. Thank you all so much, I appreciate everything from everyone, whether it was supportive or critical or on the way something came across. All is appreciated and food for thought.
 

let me make something clear. I am polyamorous.  To narrow it down very vaguely , currently I fit the Egalitarian Network Approach. 
There are different connections between different people. Not all are sex but each is an individual connection with someone in its own right. If it is sex then so be it.
In fact since first entertaining this thought and putting time into learning about it,  I feel incredibly awake and free all of a sudden! It’s actually changed my whole life. This feels like it’s the right thing for me.

I look back at my past, both recent and distant relationships and think that had I met with the understanding of this approach , some connections would  still be going to this day. I was never cut out to be monogamous I don’t think. 

I see how some relationships have been plagued with jealousy or being cheated on. Or equally as often after an amount of time I leave because I can’t commit to just one person for potentially forever. I freak and leave.   I didn’t realise I had an option - because society and religion has told us it’s wrong, yet in my life I have experienced several beautiful connections and I’m sure more to come. 
 

Jealousy - the reason I asked about jealousy is because I know it has been an issue in the past for me. Im actually doing just fine with it at this moment. For the first time in my life im just appreciating what I do have. I feel more secure in myself now than I have since I was late teens.

 I’m expecting jealousy at some point - I am preparing myself for it and starting to condition myself into just being happy and dealing with those feelings as unfair.  Compersion is fair. Compersion is not selfish. There will be a reason I’m feeling jealous, and knowing myself as I do that will probably be a “fear of loss” type as opposed to a “easily replaceable”. It’s how I’ve been. 
I have emotionally cheated on an ex before.  I’ve also cheated physically. Yet if they had done that to me I would have been heartbroken. That is selfish and double standards on my part.  If I am allowed , and want to, then my partner at that time or whatever they are should be allowed that too. 


Safe Sex- of course!  

‘soul mate’ I used the term loosely and jested because this is love shack. It was meant to stop people looking into it too deeply to call me crazy,  but also meant to be taken with some regard for it’s merit.
It was merely as a direction to help understand the kind of connection I was talking about. It’s  that connection that has made me feel “awake” all of a sudden. 
 

sorry by the way - I didn’t leave the building , I was just suuuuuper busy since I had time to post ☺️

Edited October 26, 2021 by Fox Sake
Speeding

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

let me make something clear. I am polyamorous.

Okay.

That appears to be the case with the woman who is the subject of this thread.

So, sounds like everything is OK.

On 10/25/2021 at 6:50 AM, Fox Sake said:

She is not monogamous. I think I’m okay with this. It’s very new to me , I have no experience in this at all but I’m wondering how people deal with certain feelings and emotions that can revolve around jealousy and insecurity in these situations? I think this is going to be a healthy test to go through in life. Insecurity has plagued me before now and maybe I can finally confront it somehow. I’m very open minded approaching this scenario in life. 

Edited October 27, 2021 by Alpaca

[Guildford]

OK, I can't find "compersion" in the dictionary and the spell checker has not heard of it.  What does it mean?

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Guildford said:

What does it mean?

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Compersion

A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

 

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, Guildford said:

OK, I can't find "compersion" in the dictionary and the spell checker has not heard of it.  What does it mean?

Although Elaine is correct, Compersion is a new word , and it’s basically the opposite of jealousy. I believe it’s a practice in just being happy with the connection you have, without the constant jealousy of knowing your partner shares a different kind of connection with someone else. 
I have to be careful with how I word this ,  because it could be taken as “taking pleasure in your partner getting pleasure” which is not where I’m at with this. 

Edited October 27, 2021 by Fox Sake

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Okay.

That appears to be the case with the woman who is the subject of this thread.

So, sounds like everything is OK.

Thank you, I’m very grateful! 
Yes everything is okay. I was just being open with the forum about my insecurities and what tests I expect to be put through by my own consciousness at some point. Being that “poly” covers a large spectrum, I’m finding this interesting to learn about. 
 

[elaine567]

20 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

 If adopting a poly lifestyle just because you can't hold yourself to those standards with one person, best of luck to you.

^^^I think this is pertinent.
There is a big difference between being non-monogamous, having a wandering eye, seeking variety, being commitment-phobic and actually being poly. 

[Fox Sake]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

^^^I think this is pertinent.
There is a big difference between being non-monogamous, having a wandering eye, seeking variety, being commitment-phobic and actually being poly. 

I missed that post!  But wow do I feel arrows of anger and judgment being passed from some folk! 
Well, to each their own. This is my life. People can assume all they like and pass judgment on my reasons. When it’s compared to a monogamous relationship it’s obviously going to ruffle feathers for those that don’t understand or agree with my thought process. I know I have a big heart and I’m a good person. That’s all that matters, not how I choose to conduct my romantic connections. At the end of the day , if it’s not for you then that’s fine. Judge not lest ye be judged. I’m not religious but jesus was spot on! 

For me this is still a journey of self exploration. I don’t know if it’s something I will stick with forever or not. 
All I know is that right now I’m embracing it. It excites me and it feels right. It took a huge amount of courage for me to even make this post in the first place- that’s why I asked for some positive reinforcement. I wasn’t interested in hearing how morally incorrect it is , or judgment on my thinking because someone else has decided that they will stick with what society and religion expects of them. 
I can’t help but feel if I had approached this talking only about an open relationship instead of getting technical, this would have gone down differently. 
 

Edited October 27, 2021 by Fox Sake
More dyslexic than the word itself

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

Thank you, I’m very grateful! 
Yes everything is okay. I was just being open with the forum about my insecurities and what tests I expect to be put through by my own consciousness at some point. Being that “poly” covers a large spectrum, I’m finding this interesting to learn about. 
 

So, if I understand you well, you don't mind being non-monogamous, but it's problematic for you because she's also non-monogamous.

Jealousy is sometimes motivated by a fear of losing power or influence in a relationship, or of being misled, mistreated, or rejected.

It's wonderful that you realized this since it means you can now take action.

 

[Fox Sake]

24 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So, if I understand you well, you don't mind being non-monogamous, but it's problematic for you because she's also non-monogamous.

Jealousy is sometimes motivated by a fear of losing power or influence in a relationship, or of being misled, mistreated, or rejected.

It's wonderful that you realized this since it means you can now take action.

 

I wouldn’t say it was problematic that she is not monogamous. I actually accept that part. It’s woken me up. In the past it would have been because I didn’t know any better (as far as I’m concerned) 

I know tho given my past record that it’s something I will face at some point. then I need to find out just why those feelings come up and to tackle them as best I can. It’s daunting and exciting hahaha. You did get 99% of what I’m saying!  so thank you again! 
 

[NuevoYorko]

Do some honest soul searching.  I don't think this would be a successful way to confront your jealousy issues.   It's likely that this woman pursuing her way of having relationships and experiencing her own sexuality would be incompatible with yours unless you are intrigued and interested enough to explore poly relationships as well. Or participate in some other way, such as voyeurism or some other creative ways of role playing.  Are you?  

Have you two spoken about how each of you see this  playing out in your relationship? 

As far as I've seen (a considerable amount) poly ONLY works if both / all parties involved are into it.    You'd have to be getting something out of it besides the time she spends with you, which will be split up among one or more different people.  If you aren't, that's probably a recipe for trouble.     

It's good that she's being honest with you.  There is really no such thing as "the need to step out into non-monogamy."  That's just garden variety dishonesty, same as if a person felt a "need to have a new car" so stole one.  If your relationship style is monogamous, that's fine.  Be true to yourself.

 

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by NuevoYorko

[Fox Sake]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Do some honest soul searching.  I don't think this would be a successful way to confront your jealousy issues.   It's likely that this woman pursuing her way of having relationships and experiencing her own sexuality would be incompatible with yours unless you are intrigued and interested enough to explore poly relationships as well. Or participate in some other way, such as voyeurism or some other creative ways of role playing.  Are you?  

Have you two spoken about how each of you see this  playing out in your relationship? 

As far as I've seen (a considerable amount) poly ONLY works if both / all parties involved are into it.    You'd have to be getting something out of it besides the time she spends with you, which will be split up among one or more different people.  If you aren't, that's probably a recipe for trouble.     

It's good that she's being honest with you.  There is really no such thing as "the need to step out into non-monogamy."  That's just garden variety dishonesty, same as if a person felt a "need to have a new car" so stole one.  If your relationship style is monogamous, that's fine.  Be true to yourself.

 

 

No idea why this has turned onto feeling like I’m not being listened to and need to explain myself again. I’ve been more than clear about where I stand so this is getting under my skin now.  There are some heavily opinionated posts in this thread that show people’s insecurity , show how hurt some of you have been before , and the need to claim one person as theirs. 

I have never felt more true to myself. 
I don’t understand the people trying to sway me when I have said that I have never felt so free and alive! Like seriously - I’m not you. Just accept the fact that everyone works differently. I am polyamorous. That’s all there is too it.  
If someone came out of the closet and said they are homosexual - guarantee there wouldn’t be people saying to “think about it do some soul searching”. Same goes here. Respect others choices. 
 

I’m well aware how polyamory works. I’m also well aware that going by this thread and some of the responses - it isn’t for many people. But it is for me. Period. And I truly mean that with every last cell of my being. I really don’t care what anyone thinks. What I care about is not being understood. 
 

As far as relationships go , I really don’t mind what the outcome is. I’m just happy with the connection ,and the discovery about myself. I have several beautiful connections in my life and I appreciate each of them equally. Being open with friends about me has been incredibly rewarding. . I no longer have a fear of thinking I have to settle with just one person for the rest of my life. I can’t do that because I have always been capable of loving more than one person.  Just because I can tho - doesn’t mean everyone can.
 

It’s been life changing.  I don’t expect everyone to understand how it’s helped me deal with  my previous insecurity’s, but it HAS. I can’t help but laugh out loud when people say “that won’t work” - I’ve already been tested and guess what- I’m nailing it. It’s working for me.  I feel free of all the fears I had about finding just one person for forever. That’s not me.  I replace jealousy with feeling happy for them. I replace fear of loss with just enjoying the connection. I know that other partners bring totally different things. Every connection is different and beautiful in its own way and can’t be replaced cos each is unique. 

I’ve had long video calls with her and her other partners the last few days. We went out for dinner together tonight just the two of us. I also have a second partner myself and we will be meeting next week all together for a night out (me plus 2 girls) If you don’t understand then there is no way of you knowing how liberated I feel. It’s so nice to be able to speak openly and honestly. 
 

I have spoken to all my friends and family. I’m supported by all of them in my decision and people have not seen me so happy and confident in myself. Everyone I have seen (including monogamous friends) and spoken to has all said the same thing, bar one person who wanted a monogamous relationship with me.We now don’t speak and I’m okay with that because we want different things. Like a few people here - she didn’t get it.   
I have never felt so happy in myself, and looking back at my younger years - It’s evident to many of my friends even in school,  that this was always me I just never realised. 
 

Roll on a dedicated section on LS for polyamory and non monogamous relationships. 
and seriously for everyone - if you’ve read all my posts in this thread and still don’t get it or understand me- that’s okay! I’m not you, but I am very happy and secure in myself and there isn’t a damn thing anyone can say that will change mY mind. This is who i am. 

Edited October 30, 2021 by Fox Sake
Spelling

[NuevoYorko]

Quote

I have never felt more true to myself. 
I don’t understand the people trying to sway me when I have said that I have never felt so free and alive! Like seriously - I’m not you. Just accept the fact that everyone works differently. I am polyamorous. That’s all there is too it.  
If someone came out of the closet and said they are homosexual - guarantee there wouldn’t be people saying to “think about it do some soul searching”. Same goes here. Respect others choices.

Hey -

It appears that we've had a misunderstanding.  I mistakenly inferred from your first post that the woman you're involved with was non-monogamous, but that you are monogamous.  My reply to you was based on my assumption that you are a monogamous person exploring the possibilities of having an intimate  relationship with a polygamous person.

Now that I've read it back, I see that you didn't say that at all, though you didn't mention that you are polyamorous yourself as well.  

In any case, I had no intention of swaying you.  100% down with everybody doing their own thing as long as they're not hurting others (or themselves).   

 

 

 

[Classicfiction]

Its an interesting concept for sure.  I wonder if it could help people to feel not as vulnerable to potential heartache in relationships.  If it was just accepted that your partner may have feelings for someone else from time to time...

@Fox Sake,  why would it exclude taking pleasure in your partner feeling pleasure?  Just curious

[Fox Sake]

3 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Its an interesting concept for sure.  I wonder if it could help people to feel not as vulnerable to potential heartache in relationships.  If it was just accepted that your partner may have feelings for someone else from time to time...

@Fox Sake,  why would it exclude taking pleasure in your partner feeling pleasure?  Just curious

Thanks! I do wonder that too…it’s certainly changed things for me. 

As far as your question goes - I was referring to  sex in that respect. Like I wouldn’t want be involved when they are with another male. I wouldn’t get pleasure from that. I’m kind of vanilla! I’m sure that was never implied anyways that it was thing for me , but just in case someone got the wrong end of the stick I was trying to make it clear. 

@NuevoYorko thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to read back the thread. I did say I was poly in a previous post somewhere towards the start of the thread , but there’s a lot of information here so no wonder it was missed! Thank you for your understanding, it’s appreciated! 

 

Edited October 31, 2021 by Fox Sake

[JakeT]

This is something only you can deal with.  It’s your relationship.  No on can tell you what to do.  You understand what’s happening.

Are you the main person? If you want to go away for a week is she ok with that?  Do she spend lots of this with other men ?  Are there rules. Like 24-48 hours between sex with other people ?   

[Classicfiction]

5 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Thanks! I do wonder that too…it’s certainly changed things for me. 

As far as your question goes - I was referring to  sex in that respect. Like I wouldn’t want be involved when they are with another male. I wouldn’t get pleasure from that. I’m kind of vanilla! I’m sure that was never implied anyways that it was thing for me , but just in case someone got the wrong end of the stick I was trying to make it clear. 

@NuevoYorko thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to read back the thread. I did say I was poly in a previous post somewhere towards the start of the thread , but there’s a lot of information here so no wonder it was missed! Thank you for your understanding, it’s appreciated! 

 

Gotcha.  That makes sense.  So in the poly community, how do you decide who's your home base and how do you reassure one another there's stability in that?  You know what I mean, because it does help to have two incomes and someone to come home to regularly.  
 

How do you establish that kind of consistency and trust with that specific person... or is it understood that you could jump ship with the main partner at any time?

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Gotcha.  That makes sense.  So in the poly community, how do you decide who's your home base and how do you reassure one another there's stability in that?  You know what I mean, because it does help to have two incomes and someone to come home to regularly.  
 

How do you establish that kind of consistency and trust with that specific person... or is it understood that you could jump ship with the main partner at any time?

I've known several people who are involved in poly situations.  They are all different.  My good friends are 3 men who are married (not legally of course). They are in a permanent poly relationship.  They can go outside of the domestic relationship for sexual adventures and at times have brought other people into the triad.  

I don't know the details of their sex lives and have no idea whether they do group sex within their marriage and / or including other partners, or how they've defined their boundaries.  One thing is certain:  They have clearly defined boundaries, just like monogamous people do, only more complicated.  When you think about it, monogamous people have it easy when it comes to boundaries:  Just one person, and straying from that is cheating.   

Other friends I have are poly in the sense that they are not especially bonded with any of their sexual partners.  They're young, part of my daughter's circle, and they seem pretty noncommittal and fun / adventure seeking.  It's more like "free love" and they happen to be pretty enchanted with 60's hippie culture.  From my perspective it seems like a lot of casual sex with no strings attached. But I'm a square.  😃  3 of them are roommates who have sex amongst themselves in various combinations if they feel like it.  They used to have a 4th member of their household, a woman, who ended up forming a primary (maybe monogamous, I don't know) relationship with a man she met in a class. They look like a traditional couple from the outside.

I'm not sure about the boundaries established in this group.

 

[Alpacalia]

On 10/27/2021 at 10:11 AM, Fox Sake said:

I wouldn’t say it was problematic that she is not monogamous. I actually accept that part. It’s woken me up. In the past it would have been because I didn’t know any better (as far as I’m concerned) 

I know tho given my past record that it’s something I will face at some point. then I need to find out just why those feelings come up and to tackle them as best I can. It’s daunting and exciting hahaha. You did get 99% of what I’m saying!  so thank you again! 

Do you think if you were to fall in love with her you'd be okay with her having romantic/sexual relationships with others?

As an outsider looking in that's the concept I struggle most with understanding.

[Fox Sake]

9 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

 

 

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

 

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

 

9 hours ago, JakeT said:

 

Foreword - Okay. I’ve put a huge amount of time into this this evening. I’m going to be totally transparent and I hope this helps someone.  If not I know the psych’s here will love the information. 

In fact this is probably the most open I am ever going to be about my deeper self on here or anywhere, so here goes. 😅😌 feeling only slightly vulnerable so that’s good! But hey, maybe someone will get something positive out of it. 

For the psych’s- Myers-Briggs test taken at this very moment , half the reason it’s added extra time on to writing this, in aid of my transparency is taking 2 pertinent tests. 
ENFP-A 
taken at http://www.16personalities.com

Used to be ENFJ-A some years ago last test. 

I will share with you below my thought process when I faced myself with your questions and what I have learned about myself in this process.
At the end I will also share with you my results from what I believe to be a reasonably accurate test that even reading and asking yourself , will help you understand a little more about who you really are, if you really are as monogamous as you think you are.  You will surprise yourself whoever are.
More than anything , my results and writing all of this will likely tell you a huge amount about how I work. This is daunting. 

I think just like any monogamous relationship , you decide who is your primary when you meet the right person to do so with. It’s entirely up to you. It all depends on what you like. It’s okay to not be okay with certain things. Only you know what you really like; I’m straight and only want a relationship with women both romantically and sexually . I’ve had amazing monogamous relationships in the past but the sex has usually become routine after a while, or one of us is nit getting all of our needs met  and it’s makes you unhappy as you question leaving so you can get what you need , even tho you still love this person deeply.
     That’s it in a very basic sense but it gives you an idea of what I’m talking about. Maybe that thought will even resonate with some of you reading this.  

A polycule/triad relationship would be interesting and probably quite rewarding for all involved if it’s what YOU are into. I’m essentially dating one and it’s actually fun cos everyone is friends! We just hang out together sometimes. What goes on in isn’t exhibitions in front of each other but it’s obvious that each of you all enhance each other’s lives somehow. I encourage it.
 I won’t go into more details of her other metamours  ( word for a partners partner) because that’s really not important to the questions that are being asked. That’s just gossip. 
 

There are plenty of guys with multiple wives, and if one of those wives has a boyfriend then that’s okay too! If you’re okay with it. There’s also plenty of couples who involve a third. There are so many different options and rules you can go by. You do what’s good for you. In my current situation I will only practice safe sex and so does she entirely. I am free to pursue as I wish, which is nice to know I can but I’m just happy where I’m at currently. I love people and making new friends. 
The more you can be cool with everything and be on friendly terms with everyone, the more you will surprise yourself and the more rewarding everything becomes. I have surprised myself. And although it’s not what I ever thought would be my ideal situation I actually get along really well with the other 2 guys in her life, we are friends and from all different walks. 

I realise that the hard time people are having dealing with most of this conversation is how to deal with insecurity. Let me just tell you that your brain is a truly amazing tool. It’s incredible what you can do with it/choose to do with it. 
I choose to let go of those feelings. I still feel them momentarily occasionally but , it’s okay. It’s natural. You can still be okay with it! It’s totally up to you! 
No one ever taught us how to confront jealousy or insecurity as children. At least not for me. It’s been a lifelong weight off my shoulders to just let that go….I choose to.  
Believing is seeing as far as I’ve always been concerned, it’s always worked for me. I’m sure it has for you too at some point , remember wanting something so bad it takes over your thoughts for what seems like an eternity, day and night and suddenly you achieve or get it. That is because you believed you could. 

If my partner(s) (assuming I’ve met one)  wants to or needs something that I can’t give her then who I am I to take pleasures away from her?  Being hypothetical- She might have another partner that she goes to for some crazy sex thing that I’m not into, for a wild example. And maybe that’s all there is too it. She might get everything she needs from me bar one thing. If she doesn’t get that and it eventually gnaws it’s way into the relationship, there is a cheat or a breakup coming from someone.  

If we were so monogamous as humans then people wouldn’t cheat. But they cheat because they are looking for something that is missing from that relationship. We are just taught that isn’t the way and I’m afraid most of that stigma is old news to me now. I actually feel sorry for people who are feeling ‘trapped’ in a relationship and trapped in their own mind spewing negative thoughts of jealousy and insecurity chewing at them like acid. There is a way out. This is how I’m doing it and this is what is working for me.  

Imagine if you could have both …. Oh wait, you can! And everyone involved is privy with it. You make your own rules and boundaries about things together. Ideally you all are on friendly terms with each other. Its okay to not be, but it sure does help if you are. It all depends on you and your mind. The brain is an amazing tool. I have been fortunate to not be caught up in societal standards of how one should live their life. I have had the time to face myself with many thoughts that most do not get the time, I take myself apart and put myself together again. 

The stability comes from transparent and honest communication. It’s not about jumping ship at anytime , it’s about understanding what you can and can not give your partner (assuming you have found a primary partner but for the sake of your questions , let’s assume that’s happened as this is still a talk about relationships) 

If they want something that you can’t give them , then they are free to find something with someone else, if that’s what they want. It might be just sex, it might just be friendship , it might just be a deep love for someone. You just be okay with it. And if you’re not okay with it then that’s okay too! If that happens you need to communicate more honestly with complete transparency to your partner.

If you truly do love someone then you want them to be happy and want the best for them. this is case and point as far as falling love goes. It’s not about caging them up. 

If that other person enhances their life, then it in turn enhances yours too with each other. I’m trying hard to explain here but until you actually put yourself into that situation  Even better is if you can meet these other people, not to participate (unless that’s what you’re into) but just to hopefully be friends. This person obviously enhances your partners life , which keeps your partner happy which in turn keeps your relationship happy. You set the rules. Worry about yourself and your rules you make, not mine. I’m happy with them. 

Like for example instead of breaking up with your monogamous girlfriend because the sex life has hit the rocks, it’s still there a little but it’s become routine, you are both free to share something with someone else , if you so wish. You don’t have to.  

And it’s okay to not be okay with certain things. You need boundaries 

Of course a double income is always nice, I do alright tho  

The long test will give you a better idea about yourself. don’t be out off by the “bdsm” part if you’re feeling like prude. It doesn’t all pertain to that at all. 
     I took it last night and was very surprised about how accurate it actually was. Like I learned something about myself that made complete sense http://www.bdsmtest.org 
And because I’m being transparent with the forum I will also share with you my results in their entirety from the longer version test (advised) 

== Results from bdsmtest.org == 
100% Switch 
77% Non-monogamist 
73% Experimentalist 
70% Master/Mistress 
69% Submissive 
68% Vanilla 
65% Dominant 
48% Owner 
46% Rope bunny 
41% Rigger 
39% Pet 
32% Primal (Hunter) 
31% Primal (Prey) 
30% Brat tamer 
29% Brat 
7% Sadist 
3% Slave 
2% Degrader 
2% Exhibitionist 
2% Voyeur 
0% Masochist 
0% Boy/Girl 
0% Degradee 
0% Daddy/Mommy 
0% Ageplayer 

 

I challenge anyone else to post their results here from taking the longer test. As with any test, complete honesty with yourself is required. I think some may find out some things about themselves they may rather have kept locked away because they are too scared to admit out fear of being shamed.  
Shame has no place in this world today.
 

Fox 💛

Edited November 1, 2021 by Fox Sake
Yep

[Els]

Hey Fox, with all due respect, I know you said you might be poly yourself, but your recent post sounds to me like all your reasons for supporting poly are related to your partner - you don't want to take this away from her, you want her to be happy, etc.

And that's awfully sweet of you, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing! I'm just saying that people who are actually poly, are poly for themselves. They are poly because they feel an urge to BE with more than one person, because it makes THEM happy, because it turns THEM on. If your reasons are related to your partner, they do not indicate your own sexuality.

I'm also not saying you shouldn't be with her. At the end of the day, it's not impossible that this is a compromise that you could make work. I'm just saying this because, as a person who's been involved with kink communities for quite a long time, it's a distinction that I think is important to make in order to move forward. Usually, the cases that I see most often are women who say they want to be subs, but when you delve into their reasons, it's because their partner wants it or they want to make him happy or they don't want to deprive him of his kink. And I have to tell them, it's all well and good to decide you want to do this, but be real - you don't actually want to be a submissive, you are doing it for his sake, and you need to be aware of this. I think that being poly is much the same thing - it puts you in a very vulnerable position, so you need to be aware of your reasons because they will inform your boundaries and your decisions.

Perhaps getting involved with alt-sex communities could help you with this decision, and if you do decide to go with it, they could help you with making the necessary changes as well?

Edited November 1, 2021 by Elswyth

[Girl Fade Away]

18 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

If my partner(s) (assuming I’ve met one)  wants to or needs something that I can’t give her then who I am I to take pleasures away from her?  Being hypothetical- She might have another partner that she goes to for some crazy sex thing that I’m not into, for a wild example. And maybe that’s all there is too it. She might get everything she needs from me bar one thing. If she doesn’t get that and it eventually gnaws it’s way into the relationship, there is a cheat or a breakup coming from someone.  

If we were so monogamous as humans then people wouldn’t cheat. But they cheat because they are looking for something that is missing from that relationship. We are just taught that isn’t the way and I’m afraid most of that stigma is old news to me now. I actually feel sorry for people who are feeling ‘trapped’ in a relationship and trapped in their own mind spewing negative thoughts of jealousy and insecurity chewing at them like acid. There is a way out. This is how I’m doing it and this is what is working for me.  

Imagine if you could have both …. Oh wait, you can! And everyone involved is privy with it. You make your own rules and boundaries about things together. Ideally you all are on friendly terms with each other. Its okay to not be, but it sure does help if you are. It all depends on you and your mind. The brain is an amazing tool. I have been fortunate to not be caught up in societal standards of how one should live their life. I have had the time to face myself with many thoughts that most do not get the time, I take myself apart and put myself together again. 

The stability comes from transparent and honest communication. It’s not about jumping ship at anytime , it’s about understanding what you can and can not give your partner (assuming you have found a primary partner but for the sake of your questions , let’s assume that’s happened as this is still a talk about relationships) 

If they want something that you can’t give them , then they are free to find something with someone else, if that’s what they want. It might be just sex, it might just be friendship , it might just be a deep love for someone. You just be okay with it. And if you’re not okay with it then that’s okay too! If that happens you need to communicate more honestly with complete transparency to your partner.

If you truly do love someone then you want them to be happy and want the best for them. this is case and point as far as falling love goes. It’s not about caging them up. 

If that other person enhances their life, then it in turn enhances yours too with each other. I’m trying hard to explain here but until you actually put yourself into that situation  Even better is if you can meet these other people, not to participate (unless that’s what you’re into) but just to hopefully be friends. This person obviously enhances your partners life , which keeps your partner happy which in turn keeps your relationship happy. You set the rules. Worry about yourself and your rules you make, not mine. I’m happy with them. 

Like for example instead of breaking up with your monogamous girlfriend because the sex life has hit the rocks, it’s still there a little but it’s become routine, you are both free to share something with someone else , if you so wish. You don’t have to.  

And it’s okay to not be okay with certain things. You need boundaries 

Just had a chance to read this thread, and I will post more thoughts later as my long term boyfriend and I are considering this mindset and lifestyle ourselves.   W/r/t what @Elswythposted, I think the above quoted proves that the OP IS poly *for himself* I don't know how one could read it any other way.  Where does he mention a partner?  He posted the opposite, the first emboldened sentence.  Everything he posted points to a mindset independent of any partner.

For further insight into what @Fox Sakeposted, there was a reality show back in 2012 entitled "Polyamory: Marriage and Dating" about poly couples navigating this lifestyle.  Both my boyfriend at the time and I found it enlightening and insightful.

Edited November 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Els]

1 minute ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Just had a chance to read this thread, no judgment whatsoever, and I will post more thoughts later as my long term boyfriend and I are considering this mindset and lifestyle ourselves.   W/r/t what @Elswythposted, I think the above quoted proves that the OP IS poly *for himself* I don't know how one could read it any other way.  Where does he mention a partner?  He posted the opposite, the first emboldened sentence.

The first emboldened sentence literally mentioned his partner three times?