My Journey in Polyamory, Compersion and dealing with insecurity & jealousy

[Fox Sake]

6 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

The first emboldened sentence literally mentioned his partner three times?

I answered people’s questions about her. That is why she was mentioned. We are just dating! Edit-  for clarification that the rest was indeed mentioned hypothetically
 

@Girl Fade Away thank you for reading what I have said in this thread. Actually thought I was losing the plot for a moment there. I was wondering how I could have been anymore clear that I’m poly for ME. The girl is just the person who opened my eyes 

Edited November 1, 2021 by Fox Sake
Add a bit

[Girl Fade Away]

2 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

The first emboldened sentence literally mentioned his partner three times?

I did not read it that way.  I read it as a hypothetical situation(s) ("should my partner assuming I have met one").  We all read and interpret things different and that is how I interpreted it.  

[Els]

1 minute ago, Fox Sake said:

I answered people’s questions about her. That is why she was mentioned. We are just dating! 
 

@Girl Fade Away thank you for reading what I have said in this thread. Actually thought I was losing the plot for a moment there. I was wondering how I could have been anymore clear that I’m poly for ME. The girl is just the person who opened my eyes 

Hey man, like I said, it's entirely your decision.

To me, the crux of it is this: Do YOU feel the desire to be with more than one person, yourself? Like, would YOU want to date another man or woman at the same time as you are dating her, or sleep with multiple people at the same time, etc? If yes, you are poly. If not, you are not. That's all I am trying to say.

[Fox Sake]

8 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Hey man, like I said, it's entirely your decision.

To me, the crux of it is this: Do YOU feel the desire to be with more than one person, yourself? Like, would YOU want to date another man or woman at the same time as you are dating her, or sleep with multiple people at the same time, etc? If yes, you are poly. If not, you are not. That's all I am trying to say.

Heya!
I have mentioned in my very open and honest posts to this thread that I am capable of loving more than one person. Always have been. Didn’t realise I ever had a choice. 

I implore you to go back to the start and actually read everything I have written… I don’t think you have in full detail from the start , and rather skimmed the topic and the title, because you wouldn’t be asking me these questions otherwise! 💛

 

[Alpacalia]

In any case, I'm sure it's not easy writing this for a bunch of strangers on a forum, OP.

You're satisfied with your lifestyle, and that's all that matters.

[Els]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

Heya!
I have mentioned in my very open and honest posts to this thread that I am capable of loving more than one person. Always have been. Didn’t realise I ever had a choice. 

I implore you to go back to the start and actually read everything I have written… I don’t think you have in full detail from the start , and rather skimmed the topic and the title, because you wouldn’t be asking me these questions otherwise! 💛

 

With all due respect, I have read it all, and that was the impression that I got, especially in the most recent post. However, I am certainly open to the possibility that I misunderstood your writing.

In any case, sounds like you're all good, so enjoy! I do want to reiterate that there's a whole community online for poly and various other kinks, which could be immensely helpful to a person starting out. Fetlife is the largest one I reckon, but if you don't want to hand over your phone number to them, Reddit has a few too. Or there are prominent sex bloggers or writers who are poly and write about that aspect of their lives - I liked reading Betty Dodson's, Epiphora and Aerie's writing, even though I'm not poly myself.

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

With all due respect, I have read it all, and that was the impression that I got, especially in the most recent post. However, I am certainly open to the possibility that I misunderstood your writing.

In any case, sounds like you're all good, so enjoy! I do want to reiterate that there's a whole community online for poly and various other kinks, which could be immensely helpful to a person starting out. Fetlife is the largest one I reckon, but if you don't want to hand over your phone number to them, Reddit has a few too. Or there are prominent sex bloggers or writers who are poly and write about that aspect of their lives - I liked reading Betty Dodson's, Epiphora and Aerie's writing, even though I'm not poly myself.

In that case I’m truly sorry for snapping to a judgment about how much you read. 
It’s incredibly difficult to try and make sure what I say isn’t lost in translation and can be clearly understood by everyone. I did try but maybe there is room for improvement still  

This thread became more of a story of discovery than the thread title gives away. It’s confused and blindsided a lot of people. 
It truly has changed my life in many more positive ways than just how I view relationships. I’ve learned how to overcome some really unhealthy and destructive feelings and it’s liberating to say the least. I feel enlightened in some sort of way. 
Can I just add that everything I have shared has been my own thoughts. It’s not something that has been conditioned into me. It’s happened very naturally and I’ve shared those thoughts here.   
 

I’m in love with life. I honestly have never felt so content and confident within myself. like it’s finally okay to be ME. I feel aligned. 
And to prove that in some other areas of my life  - I am able to sing and play in front of those I know and the public without thought.  25 years I have struggled with that insecurity alone and held back on performing music cos I was scared. I was looking forward to it…And as we all now know - I’m not much of a sadist so it must be legit hahaha 😂😅🤣
I also did some public speaking this evening which wasn't a problem. I finally feel like I don’t have any fear left of showing who I really am- whether that makes me vulnerable or not. It’s okay to just be me. As you see - this has been far far more than about a girl. It’s been a discovery and a massive benefit to my mental health. 
 

Thank you for your advice too by the way ☺️
I was determined to make my own thoughts on it before I took on board other people’s views because I was actually enjoying doing it.. so I familiarised myself with the terminology and started thinking.  I’ll definitely start looking into some of these other things now. 

 

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

In any case, I'm sure it's not easy writing this for a bunch of strangers on a forum, OP.

You're satisfied with your lifestyle, and that's all that matters.

You’re right! It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But also the most rewarding for myself and I hope it’s helped or helps someone in the future see that it doesn’t define who you are as a person. 
Thank you for acknowledging that effort I really appreciate it ☺️😇
 

[Classicfiction]

@Fox Sake,

So this was an interesting one to ponder. I really thought about it a lot since you posted this.. I kinda vacillated between two paths... one where I could be with a guy around my age and swing and one where I could be with an older guy and chill.

I'm sure people will baulk at me bringing age into this discussion, but I do think its relevant.

Whenever Ive dated a guy who Im passionately attracted to in an intense kind of way (guy around my age or older but still bad boy), I feel like I need to balance that energy with dating others at the same time.  Reason why would be the danger aspect that makes everything so exciting and volital.

That is the sexiest energy. It can be really fun for sure!! But it feels pure lust.  

So I could walk a tightrope and gamble on that lifestyle... always trying to balance energies as new people present themselves to me and my partner...

Or I could go down a simpler path with an older gentleman who's been beat up enough to want a calm existence.  

Sure he may cheat, but generally has less options to do so.. and far more likely to value me than a guy who's got a million options hotter and younger than me.

Because lets face it dudes, the internet is giving ya'll a freaking smorgasbord.

And you can argue that there are women who are taking advantage of it too, which is true.  I think its a certain type of person who needs that kind of variety or a person at a particular place in life.

But then there are people who want simplicity or who start to crave it at a particular point in life.  Maaaan, I just want some slow jazz and an old man.

Anyway.. just some thoughts on the topic

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

I'm sure people will baulk at me bringing age into this discussion, but I do think its relevant.

Why would age be relevant with regard to the OP?

[Classicfiction]

14 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Why would age be relevant with regard to the OP?

Because men think younger women are hot.  Whoever the older woman in the swinging situation is would have to be really freaking special or an amazing emotional support to that man.  Just seems complicated.

Im talking about that lifestyle in general.  Is compersion the absense of jealousy or just really intense denial?

[Alpacalia]

54 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Because men think younger women are hot.  Whoever the older woman in the swinging situation is would have to be really freaking special or an amazing emotional support to that man.  Just seems complicated.

Im talking about that lifestyle in general.  Is compersion the absense of jealousy or just really intense denial?

I'm sure there are people of all ages.

That's an interesting thought.

I'm not sure if it's denial or not. I've read that there are strategies for developing compersion, but I believe it comes more easily in certain people than others. At least from a societal standpoint, the same may be said about persons with more monogamous inclinations.

It's undoubtedly a complex topic!

Edited November 18, 2021 by Alpaca

[Classicfiction]

16 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm sure there are people of all ages.

That's an interesting thought.

I'm not sure if it's denial or not. I've read that there are strategies for developing compersion, but I believe it comes more easily in certain people than others. At least from a societal standpoint, the same may be said about persons with more monogamous inclinations.

It's undoubtedly a complex topic!

I'm curious what those strategies are, if you don't mind sharing.

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

I'm curious what those strategies are, if you don't mind sharing.

Sure, I'll see if I can find and post as a link but maybe under a new thread since OP's thread.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Alpaca

[JakeT]

I could not do it
I had problems with 

When you were playing around. In bed. And the other man calls.

she going a way for the week / weekend.  And I am sitting home knowing what is going on.  
You know her sexual moves in love making. And knowing she is doing that to the other man ect.  Holidays. 
Are you the prime man, she spends the most time with you.? 
 

life is too short to play games like this   In a few years that must have sex with her will be over then what do you have ?  

Edited November 19, 2021 by JakeT

[Fox Sake]

Well here is a good laugh for everyone and totally at my expense. Brace yourselves. 
So it was a rollercoaster of a month for me. I learned a lot about myself. I called it a day with the non monogamous woman as it didn’t sit right with me.  We are good friends tho still. 
 

I’m now questioning myself entirely. I met someone NEW who made me question if I really was as Polyamorous as I thought. She isn’t, and honestly I think she’s absolutely amazing and we seem to get each other. I’m now plagued with thoughts of insecurity that I’m not good enough or that I have come on too strong because I actually saw so much potential for just her. I’m actually a little scared because I know this could hurt. I see potential for a future as far as compatibility goes . That doesn’t and hasn’t happened but less than handful of times in my life. 
 

So this could be all of you witnessing my mid-life crisis. I really don’t know. All I know is that some people’s view of me here was correct. So maybe me thinking I was poly was just because I hadn’t met anyone I saw any serious potential in. And now I’m getting the vibes that I’ve come on too strong and freaked out the new girl a bit. Damn my child like excitement, false sense of security and euphoric feelings when I meet someone who makes me question myself. 
 

for all the folk who thought “I told you so” - you were probably right. No idea where my head is at right now  
 

[Alpacalia]

Ah, that green eyed monster eventually popped up.

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Alpaca

[Fox Sake]

29 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Ah, that green eyed monster eventually popped up.

 

Yeah, I guess it did. Very unexpectedly. Honestly I think I had just given up on finding the right person because I kept either getting treated badly or I myself ended up getting bored and treating someone else unfairly. I think being poly was probably just an excuse to facilitate both those things, and giving up on thinking there could be someone who ticks most of the boxes. However , if this doesn’t work out and I find that I end up getting hurt again then I’m gonna be pretty confused as to where I actually stand.  Send Help! 😅🤣

Edited November 19, 2021 by Fox Sake
Add a bit more honesty

[Alpacalia]

🆘 ----> 🙏 

When you first started writing this thread, I was surprised since there was the long-distance lady before the poly woman, and I recall your dismay when the long-distance woman revealed she was seeing other men. Then you began dating a polyamorous woman, and I questioned (to myself) if this was simply a reaction to your disappointment with the long-distance woman.

Take your time getting to know the new lady.

It appears like you're a little jumbled up.

Totally fine.

Finally, you want to find someone who shares your goals and values that are complementary to yours.

That's all I've got for now. 😄

Edited November 19, 2021 by Alpaca

[Fox Sake]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

🆘 ----> 🙏 

When you first started writing this thread, I was surprised since there was the long-distance lady before the poly woman, and I recall your dismay when the long-distance woman revealed she was seeing other men. Then you began dating a polyamorous woman, and I questioned (to myself) if this was simply a reaction to your disappointment with the long-distance woman.

Take your time getting to know the new lady.

It appears like you're a little jumbled up.

Totally fine.

Finally, you want to find someone who shares your goals and values that are complementary to yours.

That's all I've got for now. 😄

Thank you Alpaca! I’ve been surprised since I started it too. As have probably quite a few people. I’ve reflected a little before I followed up because I was rushing earlier. I’be also been a little jumbled up the last week as I made some decisions. 

I still feel like I’ve “levelled up” in life and made some huge personal growth recently.  Was it a reaction to getting hurt? Yes most probably. But it taught me a lot. It taught me about value too. 
 

As far as poly goes , I’ve met someone who makes me not want to seek anything from anyone else right now.
That’s an unusual feeling for me. Whether that makes me no longer poly I do not know. What I do know is that someone has ticked most of my boxes and neither my mind nor my eyes are even so much as wandering. I feel kind of lucky and also tested…. 

I'm definitely going to take my time getting to know the new girl. There’s a few hours between us distance wise, but we had an amazing date the other night and face time tonight.  We are incredibly similar in personality.
 

Funny you say that. …I always said that I wanted to find someone that compliments everything in me that I do in them…. She only said the exact same thing about me, to me a few nights ago haha! Fingers crossed this all works out! Gonna get round to answering the other questions now ☺️
 

[Fox Sake]

On 11/17/2021 at 5:03 PM, Classicfiction said:

@Fox Sake,

So this was an interesting one to ponder. I really thought about it a lot since you posted this.. I kinda vacillated between two paths... one where I could be with a guy around my age and swing and one where I could be with an older guy and chill.

I'm sure people will baulk at me bringing age into this discussion, but I do think its relevant.

Whenever Ive dated a guy who Im passionately attracted to in an intense kind of way (guy around my age or older but still bad boy), I feel like I need to balance that energy with dating others at the same time.  Reason why would be the danger aspect that makes everything so exciting and volital.

That is the sexiest energy. It can be really fun for sure!! But it feels pure lust.  

So I could walk a tightrope and gamble on that lifestyle... always trying to balance energies as new people present themselves to me and my partner...

Or I could go down a simpler path with an older gentleman who's been beat up enough to want a calm existence.  

Sure he may cheat, but generally has less options to do so.. and far more likely to value me than a guy who's got a million options hotter and younger than me.

Because lets face it dudes, the internet is giving ya'll a freaking smorgasbord.

And you can argue that there are women who are taking advantage of it too, which is true.  I think its a certain type of person who needs that kind of variety or a person at a particular place in life.

But then there are people who want simplicity or who start to crave it at a particular point in life.  Maaaan, I just want some slow jazz and an old man.

Anyway.. just some thoughts on the topic

Hey @Classicfiction !! 
It’s been a super interesting one! Humbling yet exciting.  I’ve gone through all sorts of highs recently and very little lows until I met a show stopper. I’ve definitely gained something from all this but I’m still putting together what exactly it is. I think polyamory is a large spectrum and people’s values, rules and morals will dictate where that outlook lays on the spectrum.
It’s definitely a sexy-lusty sort of energy I agree.  Until someone’s actually experienced it I don’t believe it can really be explained- I wouldn’t have understood it before. 

Anywhoo,  down to business …. 
 

I think age is only relative if you want it to be… Are you just looking for a lifestyle by any chance?!?!  

Emotional maturity is what counts the most I think. 
I can totally understand you’re ideals on swinging,  but one thing that stood out to me more than anything is that all your options come across as to “settle a lifestyle”. … do you not hope that one day you can just meet someone who makes you happy with everything they can offer you and melts your heart into a puddle of warm chocolate? Or would you rather a lifestyle that facilitates the old man with jazz and young stallion on the side?  Cos you need to remember that even if that is what you want , both of those other people have to be okay with it too and it has to be what they want. And it’s totally okay to want those things by the way! The secret is to find your own boundaries and what will make you happiest. 
 

But why settle for someone who will “probably cheat”? Given that the entire idea that attracted to me personally to polyamory in the first place was mostly (but not entirely) the open and honest communication. Transparency that means no gets blindsided and everything is discussed.  
If someone is cheating, then there is something not being communicated. There is a problem. 
Unless of course you’re okay with that. unethical and ethical makes the difference between poly and cheating.  
 

Any relationship is about trust and communication and that goes for polyamorous ones too.  If it came down to the point that cheating was going on in a senior long term marriage or relationship , polyamory or swinging at that point in the relationship would probably be beneficial if you actually wanted to stay together for whatever reasons and both were okay with it . Could probably bang on about this for ages but it’s 2:34, I’m shattered, probably missed a load of points and haven’t made any sense but at least I got you a response ☺️ 

[Fox Sake]

12 hours ago, JakeT said:

I could not do it
I had problems with 

When you were playing around. In bed. And the other man calls.

she going a way for the week / weekend.  And I am sitting home knowing what is going on.  
You know her sexual moves in love making. And knowing she is doing that to the other man ect.  Holidays. 
Are you the prime man, she spends the most time with you.? 
 

life is too short to play games like this   In a few years that must have sex with her will be over then what do you have ?  

When there aren’t any serious deep romantic  feelings involved and it all feels like fun and games, it’s easy!
It’s easy to feel excited pushing your boundaries of your comfort zone. 
 

When you meet someone that makes you question how much you want anyone else, I think that’s a point to stop and consider what you do want out of life and relationships in a serious fashion and not just for dating. I still think poly is better than cheating on someone and if it ever came down the point that for a wild example let’s say after 40 years of marriage , someone was going to leave me just so they could get one lust thing I couldn’t give them, I would rather an open conversation about it than be blindsided by cheating and lying. Its the lying a deception that causes the damage. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Fox Sake

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Funny you say that. …I always said that I wanted to find someone that compliments everything in me that I do in them…. She only said the exact same thing about me, to me a few nights ago haha! Fingers crossed this all works out! Gonna get round to answering the other questions now ☺️
 

Oh hey, that's great Fox Sake.

So her monogamy is complimenting your monogamy, haha.

I will definitely keep my fingers crossed for you. ☺️

[Alpacalia]

On 11/19/2021 at 6:53 PM, Fox Sake said:

When there aren’t any serious deep romantic  feelings involved and it all feels like fun and games, it’s easy!
It’s easy to feel excited pushing your boundaries of your comfort zone. 
 

When you meet someone that makes you question how much you want anyone else, I think that’s a point to stop and consider what you do want out of life and relationships in a serious fashion and not just for dating. I still think poly is better than cheating on someone and if it ever came down the point that for a wild example let’s say after 40 years of marriage , someone was going to leave me just so they could get one lust thing I couldn’t give them, I would rather an open conversation about it than be blindsided by cheating and lying. Its the lying a deception that causes the damage. 

This is exactly it.

Like if someone wants a hall pass, talk to your partner, or break up first.

Sadly, a lot of people don't.

Edited November 21, 2021 by Alpaca

[JakeT]

Look at the bright side.  When ever you want a fun night with her. She will be there.  You know you will be sharing a bed with her.  

[JRabbit]

Your posts have changed dramatically in a short time, and even looking back this seems to be a pattern with you. You give yourself away entirely to be something for a person you fancy who isn't right and then move onto the next rather quickly.   Have you every considered counselling regarding relationships?