No Secrets

[AngryGromit]

Secrets are often the demise of many a relationship, what do you think of setting ground rules in a relationship that either partner can asks to see the others phone anytime on demand. Or the same idea looking at each other computers. While everyone should have a certain degree of privacy, it should be pretty evident if your partner to texting someone you don't know without having to read all there messages, numbers they called.    

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, AngryGromit said:

Secrets are often the demise of many a relationship, what do you think of setting ground rules in a relationship that either partner can asks to see the others phone anytime on demand.

Everyone has differing philosophies, of course , but policing, controlling, demanding, no boundaries, etc. would spell instant demise for me more than individual dignity and trust. Sounds more like a stint at Leavenworth than a relationship.

Edited October 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[AngryGromit]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Everyone has differing philosophies, of course , but policing, controlling, demanding, no boundaries, etc. would spell instant demise for me more than individual dignity and trust.

I don't know I just thought if you knew you could be checked up at any time, you be less likely to engage in behavior determination to a relationship.  Probably wouldn't work anyway, there all kinds of applications that can auto delete messages. Maybe it was part of Steve Jobs original sales pitch for the Iphone, "You can cheat on your significant other with sextexting while in  the same room, without raising suspicions. Gone! Are the old days when you had to hide you CRT computer monitor while online cheating."  

[glows]

When I was married, we shared passwords out of convenience. If you have to rely on this as a form of building or rebuilding trust, you're not really living, in my opinion. You will need someone you trust implicitly in the day to day and bigger things. 

Most people who have a healthy self-esteem and able to trust their partner will avoid you if you mention something like this. 

[clia]

Seems like it would be easier to just be in a relationship with someone you trust rather than to have to worry about going through their phone and computer looking for signs of cheating. 

Edited October 25, 2021 by clia

[basil67]

We also have each other's passwords for convenience.  But looking at the other's history is not remotely OK.   We don't even take interest in looking at how the other uses Facebook or who they have as friends. 

 

[Foxhall]

Im perhaps guilty of a few secrets myself (well nothing too bad hopefully) so being honest Im not entirely comfortable with sharing all phones information and so on,

Yet looking at it objectively , I suppose the right answer is that steady happy couples should not mind showing each others texts and browsing habits,

Personally this is one of the challenges for me of having been single most of life and then moving into a living together relationship,

I think I have to be prepared to be more open, but as I do say to gf, honey look all you want I have nothing to hide. ( dont think Id want her seeing all of my posts here though all the same🤨

 

 

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I suppose the right answer is that steady happy couples should not mind showing each others texts and browsing habits,

This sounds good in theory, but think it through:  If a partner asks my permission to read my messages, the only thing it could mean is that they don't trust me.  And if they don't trust me, then we aren't steady and happy.

FWIW, if hubby wants to know something...like did so and so send details of the upcoming party....if I'm busy, I'll hand over my phone and tell him to look for the text.   But I only do this because I trust him not to go hunting through my old messages.  

[Foxhall]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

f a partner asks my permission to read my messages, the only thing it could mean is that they don't trust me.  And if they don't trust me, then we aren't steady and happy.

Yes that sounds correct in fairness,

if the couple are in good harmony, not feeling the need to be checking on other.

[Starswillshine]

As someone who was married to a cheater who is now in a relationship with someone who was once involved with a cheater...

We have each other's passwords for phones and computers. We have an open door policy regarding all our devices. He can look through any of my stuff at any point in time. And vice versa. I doubt he would want to read through my messages with my girlfriends about female issues, but he is choses, too... he is more than welcomed (he just may regret it later... lol). 

[AngryGromit]

On 10/26/2021 at 3:48 PM, Foxhall said:

if the couple are in good harmony, not feeling the need to be checking on other.

I think it's better than getting blind sided, finding out your partner was having an affair for years, or they have a new kid you didn't know about, etc. In a perfect world yes, you should be able to completely trust your partner, but reality is somewhat different. In my line of work, there's a saying, "Trust, but verify".

 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

On 10/25/2021 at 12:01 PM, AngryGromit said:

Secrets are often the demise of many a relationship, what do you think of setting ground rules in a relationship that either partner can asks to see the others phone anytime on demand. Or the same idea looking at each other computers. While everyone should have a certain degree of privacy, it should be pretty evident if your partner to texting someone you don't know without having to read all there messages, numbers they called.    

Why not just opt for more open and honest communication and mutual trust?  The above sounds toxic to any relationship.

Edited November 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Els]

On 10/31/2021 at 4:36 AM, AngryGromit said:

 In my line of work, there's a saying, "Trust, but verify".

This is just politics-speak, IMO. In my line of work, in order to "trust" something, we need to have done the verification PRIOR to trusting. If you are needing to verify, trust does not exist yet.

That being said, we have each others' passwords for... literally everything. Not to "police", but because there are just practical reasons for doing so at some point in 13 years together. If he's out and needs something checked on his computer, I can do it for him because I have his password. If he needs to get photos or a number from my phone and I'm sleeping, he can do it because he has my password.

So basically, I have nothing against knowing each others' passwords. My issue is with your REASON for wanting to know.