Is there something I can do to get her back?

[mrheart11]

I haven't dated this girl for that long. It has been roughly 3 months, but what happened this week shocked me to some extent. We didn't have any issues besides me noticing that she texts back only 1-2 times a day, but I just chalked that up as her being bad at texting. Maybe in reality it was because I wasn't a priority. Everything was great in person so I thought nothing of it.

She told me last week that she knows this break up is coming out of nowhere. She said that her previous 3 year relationship ended but she never got the chance to heal afterwards and just jumped into a different relationship because she didn't want to feel emptiness. She said she probably wasn't ready and was figuring out her feelings. I'm really sad because I thought we had something special especially given how caring she is in person. I overheard her telling people I'm not a rebound but she's just not in right mindset to take on another party in her life. She has a lot of personal things going on right now. 

I just told her that take her time to heal and to contact me if she wants to work on things. Will she come back?

I genuinely care about her even if it's not in a relationship, should I try and just be there for her during this time as a friend?

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, mrheart11 said:

I genuinely care about her even if it's not in a relationship, should I try and just be there for her during this time as a friend?

Umm, no.  The best thing you can do is LISTEN to what she has told you, preserve your dignity and give her the space she has asked for.  Don't be that guy who can't accept a breakup and keeps pursuing the person who dumped you.  It's not a good look.  If she changes her mind and may be interested in you in the future, she knows where you find you.  But that's unlikely to happen.  Those things she told you very well may have been excuses to let you down easy; the truth is probably that she's just not that into you.  If she was interested in you, she wouldn't have let you go.  

[Nothanks]

No. You can’t do anything to get her back  She is capable of making a decision. Respect her decision and move on.  Anything else would just be an exercise in humiliation. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, mrheart11 said:

should I try and just be there for her during this time as a friend?

No, this is a bad idea. 

It will hurt you to try to be "friends" and watch her move on. How are you going to feel if she starts dating someone else, despite telling you she wasn't ready for it? It is disappointing, but don't stick around for her. 

[glows]

7 hours ago, mrheart11 said:

I haven't dated this girl for that long. It has been roughly 3 months, but what happened this week shocked me to some extent. We didn't have any issues besides me noticing that she texts back only 1-2 times a day, but I just chalked that up as her being bad at texting. Maybe in reality it was because I wasn't a priority. Everything was great in person so I thought nothing of it.

She told me last week that she knows this break up is coming out of nowhere. She said that her previous 3 year relationship ended but she never got the chance to heal afterwards and just jumped into a different relationship because she didn't want to feel emptiness. She said she probably wasn't ready and was figuring out her feelings. I'm really sad because I thought we had something special especially given how caring she is in person. I overheard her telling people I'm not a rebound but she's just not in right mindset to take on another party in her life. She has a lot of personal things going on right now. 

I just told her that take her time to heal and to contact me if she wants to work on things. Will she come back?

I genuinely care about her even if it's not in a relationship, should I try and just be there for her during this time as a friend?

Don't look backwards. Look forwards. You're in the mindset of how disappointing this situation is. Let it go.

Free up your time and life to find someone more compatible and available.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, mrheart11 said:

. She said that her previous 3 year relationship ended but she never got the chance to heal .should I try and just be there for her during this time as a friend?

Sorry this happened. She could be on/off and still talking to her ex. Step way back.

Don't wait in wings for someone like this. She runs around to distract herself, meaning she uses people then discards them.

[Blind-Sided]

Unless you already were friends with her, or knew her long before you dated... then no... it's over.  Just save yourself the heart ache, and move on. 

[mark clemson]

The dreaded rebound... See advice above.

As a male, it's possible for an actual friend (note emphasis) to move from the friend zone into more. Happens sometimes. However, from what I understand if you started as a romantic partner it's very rare/almost impossible to move back if you've been "friendzoned". So you're not doing yourself much of a favor by hanging around if you want more. IMO you're really just being an orbiter and letting your feelings for her interfere with finding someone else who you could actually have.

[mrheart11]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

The dreaded rebound... See advice above.

As a male, it's possible for an actual friend (note emphasis) to move from the friend zone into more. Happens sometimes. However, from what I understand if you started as a romantic partner it's very rare/almost impossible to move back if you've been "friendzoned". So you're not doing yourself much of a favor by hanging around if you want more. IMO you're really just being an orbiter and letting your feelings for her interfere with finding someone else who you could actually have.

May I ask why it's harder to move back after being in "friend zone" after being romantic partner? My thinking is that I'll be there to support her during her darkest time but still give her space. I don't think I would be a super close friend.

[Nothanks]

47 minutes ago, mrheart11 said:

My thinking is that I'll be there to support her during her darkest time but still give her space. I don't think I would be a super close friend.

But what are you getting out of this?  Aren’t you staying connected as “friends” so when or if she is ready to date, you can try again?  In some ways you are both being somewhat deceptive with each other. She is using you for emotional support knowing you want more (which makes her unmotivated to reciprocate because she is controlling the agenda) and you are maintaining a friendship all the while using these friendly outings as dates in disguise to push things further (leading to resentment when she does not bite).  It does not sound like a healthy dynamic.  I’d take a step back. Your first priority right now should be your job. You can maintain contact with her if you don’t get invested (this is likely to be hard given your past history so really think if you can do this). If in the future you are both in the right headspace, you can try again if both of you want the same thing. Honestly though that is a lot of “ifs”.  I think you are much better off letting this relationship go and move forward with your life.  

Edited October 27, 2021 by Nothanks

[mrheart11]

22 minutes ago, Nothanks said:

But what are you getting out of this?  Aren’t you staying connected as “friends” so when or if she is ready to date, you can try again?  In some ways you are both being somewhat deceptive with each other. She is using you for emotional support knowing you want more (which makes her unmotivated to reciprocate because she is controlling the agenda) and you are maintaining a friendship all the while using these friendly outings as dates in disguise to push things further (leading to resentment when she does not bite).  It does not sound like a healthy dynamic.  I’d take a step back. Your first priority right now should be your job. You can maintain contact with her if you don’t get invested (this is likely to be hard given your past history so really think if you can do this). If in the future you are both in the right headspace, you can try again if both of you want the same thing. Honestly though that is a lot of “ifs”.  I think you are much better off letting this relationship go and move forward with your life.  

Very valid points. The honest truth is I still really care about her even though I'm not sure how much I actually meant in her life. I care about what she's going through even if it means I have to help in a different capacity. I'm generally just the type of person to care about those that come into my life. I really would like another chance to date each other in the future when she's ready. My career is definitely my top priority right now and I'm doing pretty good with it. I'm 28M and  right now I'm starting to look for a long term relationship and saw that with her. So what you're saying is not staying in contact is probably better to maybe have a 2nd chance?

[Nothanks]

12 minutes ago, mrheart11 said:

So what you're saying is not staying in contact is probably better to maybe have a 2nd chance?

Not quite. I’m saying the only chance I see is if you can emotionally step back into a true friend role (where you won’t get hurt if you hear she is dating someone else).  Then when she has gotten past her darkest time and you have dealt with your work issues, IF both of you want to try again (not one does and one doesn’t), it is possible to get back together.  I think the odds are against it though. If you go NC, don’t do it to get her back. I think NC is the right path for you but I would never recommend going NC to get someone back.  It doesn’t work that way. NC gives you space to detach and move forward on the understanding the relationship is over. It doesn’t sound like you are there yet though. You still have feelings for her. May be too soon but at least for now, stop with the pseudo dates and refocus that energy on your career. I’d also step back a bit and watch her actions. If she is not reaching out to you to see how you are doing and offering YOU support, that is your answer right there. If that happens, you are not even in the “friendzone”. You are in the “I need an emotional crutch” zone…..which in some ways is easier to get out of.

[mrheart11]

28 minutes ago, Nothanks said:

Not quite. I’m saying the only chance I see is if you can emotionally step back into a true friend role (where you won’t get hurt if you hear she is dating someone else).  Then when she has gotten past her darkest time and you have dealt with your work issues, IF both of you want to try again (not one does and one doesn’t), it is possible to get back together.  I think the odds are against it though. If you go NC, don’t do it to get her back. I think NC is the right path for you but I would never recommend going NC to get someone back.  It doesn’t work that way. NC gives you space to detach and move forward on the understanding the relationship is over. It doesn’t sound like you are there yet though. You still have feelings for her. May be too soon but at least for now, stop with the pseudo dates and refocus that energy on your career. I’d also step back a bit and watch her actions. If she is not reaching out to you to see how you are doing and offering YOU support, that is your answer right there. If that happens, you are not even in the “friendzone”. You are in the “I need an emotional crutch” zone…..which in some ways is easier to get out of.

Makes sense. I think I definitely can take a true friend role. I don't know how close we'll become though. Is it better to not get too close? I want to be a good friend if anything. In my social circle, I have actually quite a bit of friends who are all amazing. For her, she only has like 1-2 friends as she has been betrayed a lot. I want to show her that I truly actually care about her struggles she's going through. She has career struggles, financial struggles, and past relationship healing to deal with now. I guess I should have saw this coming, I feel dumb. I feel like I'm in a good place in terms of career and I'm emotionally available. I went through a bad breakup in February but since have healed and grown from it. Why is it harder to get out of friend zone though, especially if we had romantic relationship before? Won't that just make it seem more familiar? 

[Nothanks]

I do think you need to step back a bit if you want to be true friends. You are interested in her romantically so can you stop thinking about her as a girlfriend and think of her as a platonic friend?  If she wants to talk about a new guy she is seeing, you ok with that?   If you want to be in a true friend role, you should set boundaries for yourself. Things like no gifts, dinners, taking her out on excursions, avoid intimate topics of discussion, etc.  I’m sure you or someone here will say “but I do those things with my friends!”….sure but you are still emotionally attached to her.  You don’t go to dinner with a friend hoping it will lead to physical intimacy for example.  If you do all those things now while you are emotionally invested in her and rationalize it as being a really good friend, you are in the same spot you are now…dating her Under the pretence of being friends.

I do not think it is harder to get out of the friendzone if you have been romantically involved before (that was someone else’s post). I just think it is unhealthy to cycle through relationship stages like that. Girlfriend, friend-ish, true friend (?), girlfriend again (?). I mean I think people hold on to relationships that they know (but don’t want to accept) are not really working because they don’t want to experience loss.  I get it.  Feelings are hard to cut off.  You care for her and you will miss her.  So instead of a clean break, some people opt for the more messy and complicated “let’s be friends” option.  In your situation, you agreed to it but expected more. Kept you emotionally invested and set you up for disappointment.  Messy.  Complicated. I have doubts you can transition to true friends because it seems you still hope to be in a romantic relationship with her.  I can tell you that a clean break is ultimately the less painful option for you but that is not advice you are ready to hear. So get some distance, watch her actions and see if she meets you half way in this new friendship.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, mrheart11 said:

Is it better to not get too close?

Yes, if you would be hurt watching her eventually date someone who isn't you. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, mrheart11 said:

 I'm 28M and  right now I'm starting to look for a long term relationship and saw that with her. 

Ok. Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low-key coffee ☕.

She's not interested. She has friends, family, doctors, therapists, etc for her "darkest times". 

It's ok to have a crush but when there's no mutual interest, it's best to let go and move forward.

Hanging in the friendzone is stalling you out. It's fear and fantasy. 

You could be meeting interested and viable women rather than be stuck in this.

 

 

[glows]

7 hours ago, mrheart11 said:

Makes sense. I think I definitely can take a true friend role. I don't know how close we'll become though. Is it better to not get too close? I want to be a good friend if anything. In my social circle, I have actually quite a bit of friends who are all amazing. For her, she only has like 1-2 friends as she has been betrayed a lot. I want to show her that I truly actually care about her struggles she's going through. She has career struggles, financial struggles, and past relationship healing to deal with now. I guess I should have saw this coming, I feel dumb. I feel like I'm in a good place in terms of career and I'm emotionally available. I went through a bad breakup in February but since have healed and grown from it. Why is it harder to get out of friend zone though, especially if we had romantic relationship before? Won't that just make it seem more familiar? 

Your posts suggest you still want a relationship with her so no, I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself about being a friend. The desire for more will be there. 

She broke it off only this week so take some time and think this over. Your thoughts may change another three months from now. 

[mrheart11]

9 hours ago, Nothanks said:

I do think you need to step back a bit if you want to be true friends. You are interested in her romantically so can you stop thinking about her as a girlfriend and think of her as a platonic friend?  If she wants to talk about a new guy she is seeing, you ok with that?   If you want to be in a true friend role, you should set boundaries for yourself. Things like no gifts, dinners, taking her out on excursions, avoid intimate topics of discussion, etc.  I’m sure you or someone here will say “but I do those things with my friends!”….sure but you are still emotionally attached to her.  You don’t go to dinner with a friend hoping it will lead to physical intimacy for example.  If you do all those things now while you are emotionally invested in her and rationalize it as being a really good friend, you are in the same spot you are now…dating her Under the pretence of being friends.

I do not think it is harder to get out of the friendzone if you have been romantically involved before (that was someone else’s post). I just think it is unhealthy to cycle through relationship stages like that. Girlfriend, friend-ish, true friend (?), girlfriend again (?). I mean I think people hold on to relationships that they know (but don’t want to accept) are not really working because they don’t want to experience loss.  I get it.  Feelings are hard to cut off.  You care for her and you will miss her.  So instead of a clean break, some people opt for the more messy and complicated “let’s be friends” option.  In your situation, you agreed to it but expected more. Kept you emotionally invested and set you up for disappointment.  Messy.  Complicated. I have doubts you can transition to true friends because it seems you still hope to be in a romantic relationship with her.  I can tell you that a clean break is ultimately the less painful option for you but that is not advice you are ready to hear. So get some distance, watch her actions and see if she meets you half way in this new friendship.

I agree. I think I need to get to the point where I can think of her as a platonic friend. I don't want her to feel like I have intentions when all I truly want to do is be there for her. I think boundaries are super important though. That's something I will absolutely set. She always told people that I'm super respectful and I plan to maintain that reputation. I really care about how comfortable she is, which is one of the reasons I also just let her dictate the pace when we were in a relationship.

I agree it's an unhealthy mindset to have and will most likely hinder my healing or growth in general. I think the hardest part to cut off is that we actually had a decent relationship until she told me that she needs to stop lying to herself that she's ready for a relationship. Should I just not contact her unless she contacts me? Or is limited contact okay? I don't plan on contacting her for at least 2 weeks to at least give some space.

[mark clemson]

^^ yeah, mostly agree with this.

 

13 hours ago, mrheart11 said:

May I ask why it's harder to move back after being in "friend zone" after being romantic partner?

That is my understanding from what I have heard and read. I'm not sure exactly why. Every woman is a little bit different, so there may be different factors at play.

I would imagine that the woman is often hurt by the break up (as the man often is) and so mildly traumatized. Also I suspect a smart woman has at some level recognized the issues that made the other partner poorly compatible and so is more interested in finding a potential partner who is more compatible and does not carry the "baggage" of the prior breakup. Some may also lose respect for the orbiter, which definitely decreases the chances of a R. Some  or much of this "assessment" may take place at a more unconscious "emotional" level.

Some women (and men too) may find the friendship fulfills their (emotional) needs partially, so they keep the person around as an orbiter and/or sort of "backup plan" BUT since they are not actually together that doesn't stop them from seeking a new partner. It just makes them a bit less lonely while they do it.

My understanding is the friend zone is an ok place to be prior to a relationship, due to the potential for the friendship to turn into something more. However, a genuine friend is not an orbiter - the potential for a relationship is there, but the male friend is not pinning their hopes on it and/or primarily interested in the female friend for that reason/purpose. Sometimes the friends mutually "catch feelings" and it turns into a R. So unlike an orbiter situation it's positive.

It's not impossible to get back together, but it's unlikely. However, the friendzoned orbiter is primarily interested in that. So it's negative and the chances are reduced, I would suspect, for the reasons mentioned above and possibly some reasons I'm not thinking of.

Edited October 27, 2021 by mark clemson

[Fox Sake]

As others have told you already - the best thing you can do if you want to heal or have any chance of getting back together is to leave her alone. 
you leave her alone so you can work on yourself. 
you leave her alone so she can work on herself. 
if you’re around all the time taking the breadcrumbs of friendship to be “supportive” in the hopes to get her back- it usually has the opposite effect. You get friend zoned and used as an emotional stepping stone. You need to give her a chance to miss you, but most importantly you need to get the time to yourself and become secure in you and be happy with the breakup, at the very least except it. Realise that the problems you both had were obviously so big and couldn’t be sorted out that you broke up. You can line for her all year long, or you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realise that maybe, just maybe, there is a lesson here for you to learn that will benefit you when you meet someone else who is even better than the last. 
 

disappear and let her curiosity peak. There are LOTS of amazing posts on here from many people with exact step by step guides on how to get through what you’re going through. But yoi need to do it to heal. If you go into this as “I’m gonna get her back” you will more than likely fall flat. 
That relationship is over now. If you 2 are to work again then it will be down the line and it will be a fresh relationship and building things up again. 

[flitzanu]

what "dark times" are you trying to support her through?  her trying to reevaluate her previous 3 year relationship and needing time to "process" it?  

she's not hinting that she wants your support, she's hinting that she wants to break up with you so she is open to pursue other things.

the more you try to keep your nose in her business, the more exhausting and resentful she's going to feel about having to deal with you.

[mrheart11]

4 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

what "dark times" are you trying to support her through?  her trying to reevaluate her previous 3 year relationship and needing time to "process" it?  

she's not hinting that she wants your support, she's hinting that she wants to break up with you so she is open to pursue other things.

the more you try to keep your nose in her business, the more exhausting and resentful she's going to feel about having to deal with you.

She recently quit her job, financial struggles, along with 3 year relationship (I probably can't help with this) but I can help her with job search and what not. That's what I want to be there for. To let her know she's not alone.

[glows]

35 minutes ago, mrheart11 said:

She recently quit her job, financial struggles, along with 3 year relationship (I probably can't help with this) but I can help her with job search and what not. That's what I want to be there for. To let her know she's not alone.

I think this is very thoughtful but also very strange. If someone breaks things off due to stress, it's unlikely they want a potential suitor hovering in the background trying to ensure that things are ok. It seems malignant and controlling in a very passive way. It's as if you are trying to still control a situation that is out of your control and also not necessarily any of your business. Try it if it seems appropriate to you but step back if you sense she's uncomfortable or that your efforts aren't appreciated. 

[Fox Sake]

Please man, do yourself a favour and disappear from her life and enjoy yours. The only outcome to anything positive or possible is through that route. But that won’t happen until you accept the fact you are broken up. 

I don’t know if you can relate, but if you ever remember a time when YOU weren’t interested in someone and they pandered after you? If you don’t remember -  It’s a massive turn off. There is a specific way to navigate these situations and you are going the wrong way. 
 

Realise your worth. I promise you can and will get through this. You should be excited for the unknown, what’s around the corner. Life has good things in store for you ☺️