Would You Be Mad?

[Jackierossbabe]

So my husband of 25 years has a habit of placing himself in inappropriate situations regarding other women then claiming innocence. (Ex; he’s had close friendships with coworkers - drinks, dinner, lunches, etc). I’ve never proved he’s ever cheated. He prides himself as a good honorable husband. 

So should this latest thing upset me????

His entire office works from home since pandemic began. A new girl (Tina) age 32 (husband is 51) started working there 4 months ago. He mentioned it briefly but no big deal. Their team has 8 people on it (2 women 6 men). My husband has been there 4 yrs and not a managerial role. 

So last nite we are looking for a tv show to watch and my husband suggests Sex Life. He said someone at work recommended it. I asked who and he said Tina. I said why would Tina recommend this kind of show to YOU and how did it come up? He said that he and Tina chat on their work messaging app about tv shows. He recommended a show for her and she told him he should try Sex Life but warned him it was x-rated.

My first question was: why does Tina think you and her have such a close friendship she would recommend a show like this to you? I think it’s not appropriate.

My next question is: if u ended up watching it, how would u go about discussing an x-rated sex show with a coworker?

This whole thing just burns me up. I personally wouldn’t be chatting up a male coworker with an x-rated show recommendation. What kind of person does this?

[basil67]

I wouldn't discuss an X rated show with a coworker, but this show isn't X.   In the US, it's rated as unsuitable for audiences under the age of 17.   Hardly an X rating.   Meanwhile, you piqued my interest and the reviews were so bad, it's entirely likely she pitched it as "so bad, it's good".  Perhaps she thought you both would have a laugh.

For what it's worth Deadwood had the same rating and I raved about it to anyone.  I've been known to use the catchphrase (which I can't type here) with people who I knew were fans. 

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by basil67

[Nothanks]

It is a bit risqué for a 4 month employee. Not exactly professional but not wildly inappropriate either.  I don’t think the issue is her behaviour though. The issue is his.  Your comments suggest you are not comfortable with his boundaries at work. Talk to him about it and discuss appropriate boundaries at work. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jackierossbabe said:

.So last nite we are looking for a tv show to watch and my husband suggests Sex Life. He said someone at work recommended it.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you work? Sounds like there's a lot of contempt and underlying marriage problems.

Of course coworkers socialize, gossip and have water-cooler talk about nonsense like what's on tv.

Often when the elephant in the room can't be directly addressed, people nitpick and bicker over stuff like this.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Discuss your unhappy marriage with your therapist. Ask if marriage therapy could help address the real issues and improve communication.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Jackierossbabe said:

So my husband of 25 years has a habit of placing himself in inappropriate situations regarding other women then claiming innocence

This is the main problem, you do not trust him.
Tina is 32, her husband is your husband's age. so she is a threat as she is obviously attracted to older men,
Workplace  affairs are common and your husband, by getting close to Tina and discussing sex, is potentially on a slippery slope.
At 32 she is significantly younger than you, so you are understandably worried.

I am not exactly sure what you can do about it though.
You can huff and puff and stipulate appropriate boundaries and  "ban" him from  speaking to her, but at work he can then do as he pleases if he is of a mind to do so.
He will just hide it from you.
That is the problem.
You have got yourself hitched to a man you do not trust due to previous poor  behaviour.
You need to assess where you stand. Changing him is not really an option and forever "policing" him will make you miserable.
Do you honestly think he has cheated or will cheat? Would it be a deal breaker for you if he has? 
Is leaving an option?
If not and you are staying anyway, then you need to learn to live with it and make the best of it.
If you are miserable and want to leave, then do not waste any more time and just make plans to leave.

[Blind-Sided]

This is a tough one. 

You can be worried, upset and/or jealous about anything you want.  AND... since we don't know the details of this 25 year relationship... it's hard to put judgment on any of this.  BUT... to me... it sounds like the small issue of your husband flirting has slowly built in your mind to a point where you are going to burst.  In some ways, this sounds like my exW.  She didn't have issues with me flirting... but when she finally snapped, and I had time to put it all together... it was a lot of tiny things that she never talked about until she used it for the ammo to file for divorce.   So... I guess my first question to you... have you talked about this with your H before?  Or is it just now, and you are angry?     The reason I ask this is... one of the things I got blamed for was not helping change diapers when my oldest kid was a baby. (mind you, she is 15 now)   Never once, was I told my exW was unhappy all those years ago, and I didn't have a reason to change what I was doing. 

The second thing is... as said above... that show is far from x rated.  And, I remember watching it for a few minutes... and it was just bad. (don't know how it's still on)   

Anyway... since you are focused on him flirting, and it's been going on for so long.... and since you focused on saying the show is "X rated"... I'm kind of guessing this is a "You" issue, and you really haven't talked to your husband about it. I also get the feeling that (like my exW) it went straight to anger, and resentment. 

So... I can be totally wrong here... but if I'm correct... and your husband has never given any indication that he would cheat on you... then you need to start with talking to him, and how you are uncomfortable with him flirting. But regardless... he still has to stay social with his co-workers. 

Just my 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 

[vla1120]

10 hours ago, Jackierossbabe said:

He prides himself as a good honorable husband. 

You know him best. Do you think he is oblivious to the attention of other women and does not know how to set proper boundaries? The best you can do is communicate with him about what boundaries you would feel comfortable with him setting for other women. The fact that she recommended a show with the word "sex" in the title does not necessarily mean she had ulterior motives. Besides, it is up to your husband to be setting appropriate boundaries and this is something HE should be working on to make sure you feel comfortable. If he isn't getting it, or he thinks you are overreacting, then maybe it is time for the two of you to talk to a professional to get some input about how to handle your husband's perceived lack of boundaries with other women so he doesn't dismiss your concerns. 

[JRabbit]

Umm...this is not an X rated show. It's a very popular show actually, all my co workers talk about it constantly. So I think it was a harmless chat? I chat with my male co workers over messenger occasionally too about random things. I think you over reacted. Big time.

Just yesterday my entire section was talking about this show. Not a big deal at all.

[Els]

Lol, that show is like 50 Shades. By FAR used for entertainment value (and by that I mean as a joke) moreso than as anything sexy.

I dunno about you, but it's super normal in most circles I move in for colleagues to make somewhat adult jokes. Completely harmless. I would only be worried if there was actual flirting, sexting, emotional investment etc going on.

[Weezy1973]

This particular incident is a nothingburger. The fact that you don't trust him is a much bigger deal. Why are you with him if you don't trust him?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 10/26/2021 at 3:45 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you work? Sounds like there's a lot of contempt and underlying marriage problems.

Of course coworkers socialize, gossip and have water-cooler talk about nonsense like what's on tv.

Often when the elephant in the room can't be directly addressed, people nitpick and bicker over stuff like this.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Discuss your unhappy marriage with your therapist. Ask if marriage therapy could help address the real issues and improve communication.

Woah woah woah. Are you suggesting her husband's poor behavior is partially her fault? That if she goes to therapy and makes her husband more happy, he won't have inappropriate conversations (or worse) with female coworkers? This sounds like 1950s marital advice.

By the way, how long have you been married, Wiseman?

Edited November 2, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1

[Els]

47 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Woah woah woah. Are you suggesting her husband's poor behavior is partially her fault? That if she goes to therapy and makes her husband more happy, he won't have inappropriate conversations (or worse) with female coworkers? This sounds like 1950s marital advice.

By the way, how long have you been married, Wiseman?

It sounded to me like the therapy was recommended to figure out why she feels insecure about her husband talking about a joke show with colleagues...

[GeorgiaPeach1]

20 hours ago, Elswyth said:

It sounded to me like the therapy was recommended to figure out why she feels insecure about her husband talking about a joke show with colleagues...

Yes, I read that. I don't think she's being insecure at all. Her husband was being inappropriate. 

[AnnK]

Drinks, dinner and lunches  with  females  while married, without his wife, is "dating". Sorry but  that's the sad  truth.