TMJP68 Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 Hi! I am new here and very new to be the other woman. I met MM at work. We don’t work for same company. There was instant connection in between him and me. Very special. I’ve been seeing him for 5 months now. He lives 4hrs away home for his work and going home for the weekend. We get along very well but he doesn’t talk much about his wife and life.. He said he is falling for me but he invested 25 years in his marriage. I asked him if they consider marriage counseling, he said they just talked about it. He is not a type of guy that lies or pretend. But I am so heartbroken and confused. Should I just leave him? It’s so hard for me or him to walk away from each other.. any suggestions? Thank you in advance.. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 1 hour ago, TMJP68 said: He said he is falling for me but he invested 25 years in his marriage. He is doing you a favor by indicating he’s not getting divorced. If you don’t want to be a side piece, move along and look for a single guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 1 hour ago, TMJP68 said: He lives 4hrs away home for his work and going home for the weekend. He is not a type of guy that lies or pretend. Are you in a relationship? Does he camp out at your home? Do you really want to be a free BnB with benefits for a cheating liar? He is lying to his wife...and you. Walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMJP68 Posted October 26, 2021 Author Share Posted October 26, 2021 He has own apartment… I don’t know what we are.. and I know what I need to do but it’s so hard.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 1 hour ago, TMJP68 said: He is not a type of guy that lies or pretend. Really??? Where is the confusion? He is a married guy cheating on his wife with you... unfortunately... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 2 hours ago, TMJP68 said: We get along very well but he doesn’t talk much about his wife and life.. Why would he? That is none of your business. Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 35 minutes ago, TMJP68 said: He has own apartment… I don’t know what we are.. and I know what I need to do but it’s so hard.. You know what to do, but your topic title is asking if you should leave him? And it's not that hard, unless you have really low self confidence and low self esteem. Don't you want to be someone's priority in life, not the secret bit on the side? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 What future did you envisage for this relationship? Are you single? Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 He's not available. Stop now, before you fall for him any more than you already have. Otherwise, you could be in for years of disappointment. Just read some of the other threads out here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 3 hours ago, TMJP68 said: He is not a type of guy that lies or pretend. How does this compute? Is he not a man who is cheating on his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 3 hours ago, TMJP68 said: any suggestions? You probably know this, but you have several options here: One of them would be: if you’re single (or married) and happy with the situation = keep it going (if married, figure out what that means for your marriage in the long run, and how it indirectly affects/benefits (who knows…) your husband, and act accordingly (divorce, suggest open relationship to H, just to name a few)) The fact, though, that you’re posting here tells me that you’re not happy with the situation - so why is that? Do you want to be with your affair partner for good? Do you want him to get divorced for you? This CAN happen, but it doesn’t mean that you’re going to live a happily ever after fairytale life, either. It’ll get as boring as every long-term committed relationship. Don’t compare the affair drama with a real, 24/7 marriage. But I’m getting ahead of myself. You’re not there (yet), and you might never get there. You might not even really want that deep down. Also important: Please understand that no matter what he says, you have no influence on his M. If they get divorced, or go to counseling, if they sleep in separate bedrooms, or if they have passionate love-making sessions when he gets home on the weekends, if they go on luuuuurvely trips, or if they argue nonstop - you have no influence. And right now, he wont even talk about his life/wife/marriage. You will never know. Maybe after you’ve been together much much longer he will “share” more with you, but that’s not guaranteed either. What you should also ask yourself is the question whether or not his job assignment is long-term or just a brief project that he’ll bring to a close in the near future, which means that he will move away from your town. This is all something you should consider when you plan your future as the other woman. Curious: if you are the other woman and you’re single, why don’t you enjoy your week with him and use your weekend all to yourself to spoil yourself, and gather some energy and hang out with some friends and stuff?? Just enjoy the solitude. Can you not do that? (This is obviously not my advice if you’re already married because it sounds very stressful to have two parallel relationships in the same location basically. I do not recommend that. Ever) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 4 hours ago, TMJP68 said: Hi! I am new here and very new to be the other woman. I met MM at work. We don’t work for same company. There was instant connection in between him and me. Very special. I’ve been seeing him for 5 months now. He lives 4hrs away home for his work and going home for the weekend. We get along very well but he doesn’t talk much about his wife and life.. He said he is falling for me but he invested 25 years in his marriage. I asked him if they consider marriage counseling, he said they just talked about it. He is not a type of guy that lies or pretend. But I am so heartbroken and confused. Should I just leave him? It’s so hard for me or him to walk away from each other.. any suggestions? Thank you in advance.. You can't change how he feels about you but you can acknowledge how your actions are affecting you, you alone. He is lying to himself, you and her. I don't think you need to leave him unless you are living with him in his apartment. Both of you don't necessarily have anything to "leave". Don't respond to any of his messages or calls and keep it civil at work if you are unhappy or can't trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 4 hours ago, TMJP68 said: He is not a type of guy that lies or pretend Except that he is exactly that type of guy. The definition of it, actually. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMJP68 Posted October 26, 2021 Author Share Posted October 26, 2021 Thanks everyone for replying me back. I know what I need to know. It’s just hard to put in the action. We are so connected and have a special bond. It will take time for me to move on but I have to take my own time to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 "Connected" and "special" are very relative. You may tell yourself that you need time but more time spent with someone like this only makes it harder in the long run. It's up to you how much more difficult you want to make this for yourself. I hope you find peace away from this and happiness outside of relationships like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, TMJP68 said: Thanks everyone for replying me back. I know what I need to know. It’s just hard to put in the action. We are so connected and have a special bond. It will take time for me to move on but I have to take my own time to do it. Of course it’s hard to put it into action you’re living in a bubble , a fantasy . Stop for a second and think what happens when his wife finds out and the devastation for her and any children -believe me you don’t want to have the guilt the hurt and everything else that goes with being an other woman. Alternatively think about what will happen when the day comes he ends the relationship because he can’t cope with the guilt etc ? Seriously you are worth more than this and believe me the monger you stay the harder it will be . Agree you have to be ready and committed to ending it and going no contact but please think long and hard about the consequences of staying as you are . every other wOnan or other mam on here felt at some point our connection was strong . Special etc. -whether it is or isn’t -he isn’t yours to be emotionally or physically connected with Edited October 26, 2021 by Snakesalive Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, TMJP68 said: He is not a type of guy that lies or pretend. Except, he is the kind of guy to lie to his wife about the fact that he’s engaged in an extramarital relationship with another woman and pretend that he is a loyal, trustworthy, and monogamous husband. Ignore that BIG red flag at your own peril. Edited October 26, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMJP68 Posted October 26, 2021 Author Share Posted October 26, 2021 We are going to talk about things tonight. He has been acting different way. I think he wants out from this. Tonight might be the last time we gonna talk. I am ready to have this conversation with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 18 minutes ago, TMJP68 said: We are going to talk about things tonight. He has been acting different way. I think he wants out from this. Tonight might be the last time we gonna talk. I am ready to have this conversation with him. This will only work if you are prepared to block him everywhere and close every avenue he has to contact you. Affairs are addictive and incredibly hard to quit, the secrecy of them keeps people coming back. If you don't block him it's almost guaranteed he'll be reaching out again in the future to start things back up. You say you have a special bond but EVERY AP feels that way because you don't have to deal with reality together, you exist in a bubble. Do some reading around here, affairs are all mostly the same dynamic. It will destroy you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 39 minutes ago, TMJP68 said: We are going to talk about things tonight. He has been acting different way. I think he wants out from this. Tonight might be the last time we gonna talk. I am ready to have this conversation with him. Pardon. It sounds like you're wanting to talk about things because he's been acting different? How so? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, TMJP68 said: Should I just leave him? I hate to point out the obvious, but - you don’t “have” him. As such, you can’t “leave” him. You have formed a “special connection” with another woman’s husband. How exactly did you envision this playing out? Edited October 26, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 20 hours ago, TMJP68 said: Hi! I am new here and very new to be the other woman. I met MM at work. We don’t work for same company. There was instant connection in between him and me. Very special. I’ve been seeing him for 5 months now. He lives 4hrs away home for his work and going home for the weekend. We get along very well but he doesn’t talk much about his wife and life.. He said he is falling for me but he invested 25 years in his marriage. I asked him if they consider marriage counseling, he said they just talked about it. He is not a type of guy that lies or pretend. But I am so heartbroken and confused. Should I just leave him? It’s so hard for me or him to walk away from each other.. any suggestions? Thank you in advance.. You say he is not the kind of guy who lies or pretends. I wonder if his wife would say the same thing if she knew what was going on? if you were the wife, what would you think? Of course you have instant connection and it's special. They ALL say that. It isn't. Either he wants to be with you and he ends his marriage or he stays in his marriage and he ends it with you. Those two end results are the two most honourable end results given how much you are clearly not enjoying this situation. Instead, if he wants his cake and to eat it, then you are in the situation as far as it's ever going to go so you have to decide to stay and remain heartbroken and confused or leave and remind yourself that this is not how to get into a good relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 12 hours ago, TMJP68 said: . Tonight might be the last time we gonna talk. I am ready to have this conversation with him. Excellent. Free yourself from this. Remember that this "special bond" is just having a void in your life. Affairs are easy and lazy. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Reflect on what is missing from your life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMJP68 Posted October 27, 2021 Author Share Posted October 27, 2021 We ended. He wanted to ended as well. I wasn’t that sad at all. I knew it was the time and this is not what I wanted. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions 😊 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 2 minutes ago, TMJP68 said: We ended. He wanted to ended as well. I wasn’t that sad at all. I knew it was the time and this is not what I wanted. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions 😊 Super.👍. Now you're free to meet decent men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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