Is it OK to vent to my friends?

[JamesLavs96]

My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot recently, and when I get really stressed or emotional, I usually vent to my friends about it because it feels bad bottling it all up.

But my boyfriend has started to get mad at me for doing this, as he thinks my friends will have a bad perception of him after I’ve told them about what we’ve argued about. I want him to get along with my friends, but he doesn’t want to make an effort with them much because he feels uncomfortable around them now l. And my friends feel the same about him.

What should I do? I don’t want to have to bottle up my feelings and be miserable every time my boyfriend upsets me - i think it’s healthy to communicate your feelings when you’re angry/sad. But I also don’t want my friends/family to hate him. 
 

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, JamesLavs96 said:

he thinks my friends will have a bad perception of him after I’ve told them about what we’ve argued about. I want him to get along with my friends, but he doesn’t want to make an effort with them much because he feels uncomfortable around them now. bottle up my feelings and be miserable every time my boyfriend upsets me - 

Sorry tis is happening. What are the arguments about?

It's ok to confide in friends but bringing what they think, feel or say back to your BF is a mistake.

Focus more on what he upsets you this much. Unfortunately you're now arguing about arguing.

[Happy Lemming]

Why are you telling your friends/family about the close details in your relationship?? Do you need some type of reassurance that you are right/correct?? Do you need someone to agree with you?? 

You have "poisoned the well" by discussing these personal details with your friends/family.  It is no wonder he doesn't want to be around your friends.

If you feel the need to discuss the negative aspects within your relationship, seek out a therapist.  Anything discussed will be held in confidence.

[JamesLavs96]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry tis is happening. What are the arguments about?

It's ok to confide in friends but bringing what they think, feel or say back to your BF is a mistake.

Focus more on what he upsets you this much. Unfortunately you're now arguing about arguing.

Originally it was because one of his friends wanted to come on a trip with me and my friends, and then he fell out with the friend. He was mad that I was still going on the trip with the friend, but we booked it before they had fallen out and we couldn’t get our money back as flights were non-refundable. Also, I was going to see some of my family and friends on the trip who I only see about once or twice a year.  I thought it was selfish for him to demand that I don’t go, and try to force his friend not go and put us out of money.
 

Then he started to dislike my friends for hanging out with his ex-friend. 
 

After that things changed, and we started to argue about more trivial things. He would have very little patience with me and yell at me /be rude to me when I made harmless mistakes (overcooking dinner, messing up my order at Burger King, telling him he looks nice in a shirt that he doesn’t like). 
 

I know it’s important to get rid of the arguments first, but I don’t know how to deal with the stress they cause if I can’t speak about it to the people around me.

[JamesLavs96]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why are you telling your friends/family about the close details in your relationship?? Do you need some type of reassurance that you are right/correct?? Do you need someone to agree with you?? 

You have "poisoned the well" by discussing these personal details with your friends/family.  It is no wonder he doesn't want to be around your friends.

If you feel the need to discuss the negative aspects within your relationship, seek out a therapist.  Anything discussed will be held in confidence.

I think I do need some reassurance. Some of the things he says to me, I need advice because I don’t know if what I’m doing is right/wrong, or if it’s his behaviour that isn’t right. 
 

Ideally a therapist would be great, but I can’t really afford that

Edited October 26, 2021 by JamesLavs96

[Sun Seeker]

Putting the specific issues aside (the whole friends had a falling out but still wanted to go is confusing), no you should not be telling all your friends about what is happening in your relationship.

If you have one best friend that you can confide in, and know they won't be telling anyone else, then sure talk to them and get some advice.

But telling the whole group, who are off course going to gossip to others about it, then it gets back to your boyfriend that they know? That's just rude, and I fully understand why he would be upset about that.

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, JamesLavs96 said:

Ideally a therapist would be great, but I can’t really afford that

Then utilize Loveshack as your "free therapist"... 

If he said something that upset you, vent about it on Loveshack.  We have an ongoing "Rant" thread.

5 minutes ago, JamesLavs96 said:

Some of the things he says to me, I need advice because I don’t know if what I’m doing is right/wrong, or if it’s his behaviour that isn’t right.

If you need advice on a certain subject, open a thread and posters will give you "free" advice/opinions on the matter.

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, JamesLavs96 said:

we started to argue about more trivial things. He would have very little patience with me and yell at me /be rude to me when I made harmless mistakes (overcooking dinner, messing up my order at Burger King, telling him he looks nice in a shirt that he doesn’t like). 

This is how abuse starts, you will soon be walking on eggshells.
He is also wishing to isolate you from your friends/family, bad sign. 

[JamesLavs96]

16 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

Putting the specific issues aside (the whole friends had a falling out but still wanted to go is confusing), no you should not be telling all your friends about what is happening in your relationship.

If you have one best friend that you can confide in, and know they won't be telling anyone else, then sure talk to them and get some advice.

But telling the whole group, who are off course going to gossip to others about it, then it gets back to your boyfriend that they know? That's just rude, and I fully understand why he would be upset about that.

I understand this. It’s hard sometimes though to keep it bottled. If I’m visibly upset my friends usually ask me what’s wrong. In that instance, is it better to say “nothing” to keep them uninvolved, or vent so I can at least feel better. 
 

That’s my dilemma.

[Happy Lemming]

19 minutes ago, JamesLavs96 said:

 when I made harmless mistakes (overcooking dinner, messing up my order at Burger King, telling him he looks nice in a shirt that he doesn’t like).

If you overcooked dinner, so what... tell him to make his own dinner.  My girlfriend complained about the dinner I cooked only once, as the next night I took peas and corn put them in a food processor and made this vegetable "gruel".  I told her if she complained again, I would serve "gruel" for two nights in a row, then four, etc. etc.  She has never complained again.

The Burger King employees take delight in messing up people's orders.  This is one of the reasons I don't eat at "fast food" places.  Pack a lunch, if you are traveling and need a meal on the road.

As far as the shirt, you are not his mommy, you don't need to dress him of give your opinion on his shirt or other clothing.  He is an adult, let him wear what he wants.  If he asks your opinion on a piece of clothing, decline to give that opinion.  You could always say "If you like that shirt, buy it... I don't have an opinion either way" 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, JamesLavs96 said:

I understand this. It’s hard sometimes though to keep it bottled. If I’m visibly upset my friends usually ask me what’s wrong. In that instance, is it better to say “nothing” to keep them uninvolved, or vent so I can at least feel better. 
 

That’s my dilemma.

You need to ask yourself, why do you stay with a guy who upsets you so much you are getting visibly upset in front of your friends?

[glows]

1 hour ago, JamesLavs96 said:

Originally it was because one of his friends wanted to come on a trip with me and my friends, and then he fell out with the friend. He was mad that I was still going on the trip with the friend, but we booked it before they had fallen out and we couldn’t get our money back as flights were non-refundable. Also, I was going to see some of my family and friends on the trip who I only see about once or twice a year.  I thought it was selfish for him to demand that I don’t go, and try to force his friend not go and put us out of money.
 

Then he started to dislike my friends for hanging out with his ex-friend. 
 

After that things changed, and we started to argue about more trivial things. He would have very little patience with me and yell at me /be rude to me when I made harmless mistakes (overcooking dinner, messing up my order at Burger King, telling him he looks nice in a shirt that he doesn’t like). 
 

I know it’s important to get rid of the arguments first, but I don’t know how to deal with the stress they cause if I can’t speak about it to the people around me.

He seems to have a lot of issues with everyone. His friends, your friends and you. Perhaps it's not such a bad idea if you both went your separate ways.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JamesLavs96 said:

we started to argue about more trivial things. He would have very little patience with me and yell at me /be rude to me when I made harmless mistakes (overcooking dinner, messing up my order at Burger King, telling him he looks nice in a shirt that he doesn’t like). 

How long have you been dating? Do you live together?  How old is he? He's abusive. End it. 

[JamesLavs96]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Do you live together?  How old is he? He's abusive. End it. 

We’ve been together just over a year. He’s 29, (I’m 25) and he wants me to move in with him but we’re definitely not there yet. He doesn’t really come to my place anymore because he doesn’t like my flatmate who is now close friends with my bf’s ex-friend, so I always go to his place instead. 
 

He is sometimes emotionally abusive. But he’s also a lot of other great things, too. I wish he could cut out the s*** behaviour, but I’m struggling to make him see that he has accountability. 
 

He went through a lot of trauma in his early 20s. I don’t think he ever really resolved it, and I wish I could help him but I just seem to end up on the firing line whenever I make small mistakes. I’m held to very high standards and when I fail to reach them I’m treated badly. Seems to only be people he loves that he treats like that - he speaks to his parents the same way.

Edited October 26, 2021 by JamesLavs96

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, JamesLavs96 said:

he wants me to move in with him but we’re definitely not there yet.

 Don't do it. It will be a nightmare.

Soon he'll start isolating you more and insulting you more until you are completely worn down.

Read up on abusive relationships. Be honest with your friends about how nasty he gets.  Stop being his slave/whipping post.

 Abuse starts with isolation, then continues to get increasingly controlling like having you move in and lose all choice and autonomy. Read up on abusive relationships. End it. Why be trapped in this horror show?

Edited October 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

10 minutes ago, JamesLavs96 said:

I wish he could cut out the s*** behaviour, but I’m struggling to make him see that he has accountability. 
...I wish I could help him but I just seem to end up on the firing line whenever I make small mistakes.

Yet this is as much about you as it is him. You don't need to force anyone to that or lecture or teach someone accountability. He's not your ward or your child. He should be your partner and your equal. That he isn't should be enough for you to walk away permanently. 

Edited October 26, 2021 by glows

[stillafool]

 Okay, the good news is he's just a boyfriend, who fortunately you do not live with; and not your husband.  Therefore do not put up with his abuse and let him go.

Edited October 26, 2021 by stillafool

[Els]

42 minutes ago, JamesLavs96 said:

He is sometimes emotionally abusive. But he’s also a lot of other great things, too. I wish he could cut out the s*** behaviour, but I’m struggling to make him see that he has accountability.

This is literally what every single abuse victim says. Obviously nobody would stay with an abusive partner who didn't have "other great things" going on, unfortunately none of those things can make up for the emotional abuse.

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, JamesLavs96 said:

He is sometimes emotionally abusive. But he’s also a lot of other great things, too. I wish he could cut out the s*** behaviour, but I’m struggling to make him see that he has accountability. 

You can't "make him" see anything, do you get that?  You cannot change him.  This is who he is.

6 hours ago, JamesLavs96 said:

He went through a lot of trauma in his early 20s. I don’t think he ever really resolved it, and I wish I could help him but I just seem to end up on the firing line whenever I make small mistakes. I’m held to very high standards and when I fail to reach them I’m treated badly. 

The trauma he may have went through is not your issue and not your problem to fix.  You need to end this bad relationship.  Do you really have such low self-esteem that you see no other option than to stay with someone who is mean to you and treats you badly on a regular basis?  Break up with him.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, you absolutely have the right to talk your friends about a guy you've been dating for one year. Absolutely, totally--without question. That's like asking if you have the right to go to the bathroom without his permission. Or to read a particular website without his permission. 

You don't live a totalitarian society where your bf is son of the dictator who would order you kidnapped and tortured for talking bad about the prince. And most children have heard their a parent at some point admitting they were furious at their spouse. We didn't lose total respect for the parent being criticized (who often later got furious at the first spouse). 

Talking to friends is a huge part of figuring out what's reasonable and what's crazy in relationships. It's also a way many folks get their backbone firm and set their limits and stand up for themselves. 

You've got an abusive bf. Therefore it's extremely important--urgent really--for you get fresh air and outside thinking by sharing his behavior with friends. Emotional abusers thrive on isolating (and thereby weakening) the people they abuse. That's part of the way they trap you. You're unhappy or feeling abused but then, you have no one to back you up--because he's cut you off from everyone. Their real goal is for you (without any prompt from him) to feel guilty for even thinking about sharing about the relationship with friends. Has he succeeded?

Now for practical reason you want to talk to friends you really trust and those with good judgment. But the worse the behavior, the more open you should be with friends. A good relationship can survive complaining about a marriage partner.  

If he's so worried about what you say about him, he can behave his @## better. 

 

[Blind-Sided]

You can vent to your friends.  BUT... if you ask them for advice... and do something totally opposite... and then ask them for advice again... they may start to get annoyed.  I have one friend who has been doing this for year to me.  I'm her friend, so I listen... but i stopped giving advice because she knows what she needs to do... she just won't do it.  

Now... as far as your BF demanding you don't go out a trip because he or his friend had a falling out is dumb.  Tell him to grow up, and pull his head out of his butt. 

AND... as @elaine567 said... if he is trying to keep you from your family... that's VERY bad.

TO be honest... it sounds like it's time to be done with this guy, and to move on. 

[Alpacalia]

Yes that happened to me too @Blind-Sided with a family member.

Thankfully, she no longer vents to me about the same problem, and we can have a regular conversation.

It seems that your boyfriend is unloading his emotional baggage on you, and you are unloading it on your friends.

Friends can only do so much for us, and we can't expect them to act as therapists when our emotional needs grow severe, which sounds like something your guy could use.

[Lotsgoingon]

Totally agree with Blind-sided & Alpaca. 

In fact, I think I misread your post. Sounds like you literally mean "vent"--and not process and act. Friends are not there to be your private dumpster. They're there to encourage you on a good path and pick you up when you are down, but you have to try to stand. If you keep hitting your head against a wall, friends are going to get tired of hearing you say your head hurts.

You vent on occasion. Briefly. If you have to keep venting you're in a bad relationship. But this has NOTHING to do with getting your bf's approval or protecting him. That your friends are getting mad at him is telling. Friends can know a bf or gf is less than perfect and still treat them with respect. The reaction of your friends to what you tell them means your bf's behavior is outrageous.  He must be a real jerk. 

 

[smackie9]

It sounds like you BF is the common denominator. Dating him has disrupted you life, and is jeopardizing your friendships/relationships. Eventually they are gonna get sick of hearing about him. I'm pretty sure your friends have asked you why you haven't broken up with him yet.

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Eventually they are gonna get sick of hearing about him.

I hate to say it but they probably are sick of hearing about him already from you.  As a friend who has had to listen to girlfriends who can't leave an abusive bf it gets tiring quickly.  It get's boring for the friend to constantly have to listen and absorb that stuff.