Should I tell her so long and thanks for all the fish?

[Foxboy13]

TLDR at end:

I met her at my friend's house I can remember what she was wearing. A long black dress thats showed not too much and not too little, and flip-flops, she looked amazing. She had green and blue hair and was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her eyes were the color of brown sugar and she was as sweet as it as well.

She was my best friend at the times girlfriend.

I was always shy to talk to her but she made me laugh every time she opened her mouth.

She was and is the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

I was with my ex at the time who eventually ran off with my best friend and I use that term lightly. I decided one day after the fallout of my past relationship went away to reach out to her. I started with a simple hey. She responded and I lit up like a kid at Christmas, I was ecstatic that she responded. We started talking and eventually we hung out at her house. We sat there all night and didn't even realize the time it was 6 am and I had time rush to work. She kept stopping my advances every time until one day we went to go on a date together. She had fun and we started to hang out more. We became best of friends and couldn't be apart I made her feel safe and loved, she made me feel like the luckiest man I the world. It was her birthday and I got her an autograph from her favorite movie director Gregg Arakki. She cried she was so happy that someone cared enough to get her a gift like that. Fast forward 1 month later before I left her house I decided to try to kiss her. She seemed hesitant but then, couldn't keep her hands off of me. We moved in together mostly due to covid. She showed me a side of life that I never knew existed. We had the best sex. She was my sub and I was her master. I've never been with someone so uninhibited from norms. We lived together happily for 2 years through ups and downs. She was truly the most amazing thing that had happened to me at the time. Eventually I gave her a collar little did I know that was the worst thing I could have done. I didn't fully understand the implications of such thing and it eventually destroyed her when she had to take it off. She begged for me to put it back on her but there is a trust and earn factor associated with it. I never quite lived up to what I was before. I lost my ambition and drive, I made mistakes and lost her trust. I lied to her and made her feel terrible about herself. My stress got so bad that I lost my job and I couldn't even give her the basic affection or attention she deserved. I was angry all the time and I took it out on her and I regret it terribly. I lied about finances and didn't help her when she needed it. She finally got fed up and left to sort out her own life. I was a cruel uncaring unloving person during that time. I only looked out for myself because that's how it's always been for myself. I've been a loner my entire life. She left 6 months ago and I was devastated. I contacted her almost to the length of being called crazy. She did call me essentially crazy at one point, but I forgive her as she wasn't wrong at the time. She left to go live with her ex and take care of his grandfather as a live-in caretaker. I found that she was talking to him when we were together. I was angry and hurt by what I saw. She apologized and said she was wrong for what she did. I decided to remove myself from her life to make changes in my own and heal. I needed to do some self improvement. She insisted that we remained friends and I told her I can't be just friends with someone I have these feelings for. I feel too deeply to hide how I feel, even now 6 months later. She has told me time and time again just keep holding hope and that its good. She has also said that she hasn't moved on,, I'm not sure if I believe that but she has been open and honest with me. She never denied anything even after I saw what I saw between her and her ex. She reached out after a period of months and has said that she didn't feel safe where she was at. That she felt I was her safe space and that I made her feel at home. She said she considers it home with me and that she just wants to come home. Those words hit me like a truck, giving me hope for something so uncertain. She also left almost all her belongings here as well, has said she's going to come get her things but never followed through with it. I've been helping her financially so she can get a surgery that she needs to live. This has all happened after she left, and It's been hard without her around. She contacted me recently and said that she more than likely will be coming home by the end of the year. I'm ecstatic but I don't want to get my hopes up anymore. I'm afraid of what may happen if she comes back. Will I disappoint her? Will I not be the person she hoped for? Will I slip into bad habits again, and sabotage the best thing that's happened to me? So many racing thoughts that may never even matter. She may not ever be back and I may never get another chance for the woman I dreamed of being with. 

Tldr: ex left because I was a jerk. Not sure if she's coming back with what she has said. 

 

 

[Nothanks]

You are ecstatic she is coming back but are also wondering if you should tell her “so long”? That seems contradictory but…ok. I guess if you are worried you will fall back into the same patterns, I have to ask what have you done to change your behaviour patterns?  Did you get to the root of why you treated her badly and then develop better coping strategies?  

I also don’t get how wearing a collar sent the relationship into a downward spiral. I get what the collar was for but why do you think it lead to your lying, mistrust, anger etc?  I am not convinced the collar is to blame here. 

[Foxboy13]

2 minutes ago, Nothanks said:

You are ecstatic she is coming back but are also wondering if you should tell her “so long”? That seems contradictory but…ok. I guess if you are worried you will fall back into the same patterns, I have to ask what have you done to change your behaviour patterns?  Did you get to the root of why you treated her badly and then develop better coping strategies?  

I also don’t get how wearing a collar sent the relationship into a downward spiral. I get what the collar was for but why do you think it lead to your lying, mistrust, anger etc?  I am not convinced the collar is to blame here. 

I'm ecstatic she is coming back but idk if it's for the right reasons. I can't figure out if she is wanting to be with me or if she likes the safety I provide her.

I have made changes in my life to make sure I can get better coping skills. I've been going to therapy and have been working a great job I love now. I used to have a lot of jobs fire me due to mental health reasons. But that's neither here nor there. But I'm worried I may make the same impulsive mistakes.

Also it wasn't so much that collaring sent it into a downward spiral. I was referring to the fact that at the time I didn't fully understand the significance behind it. It caused issues when she had a different idea of its meaning. But we are both on the same page about that now.

 

[Foxboy13]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

Well have her pay half your expenses.

she shouldn’t be allowed to come back and live there rent/utilities free.

tell her what the monthly number will be and you’ll see if she wants her “safe place” badly enough to pay her own way.

if she doesn’t - then she just wants a free ride.

 

 

i don’t understand the collar reference - but that doesn’t sound right to me. 

I agree with the fact of her paying her own way that would make sense to figure out what the intentions are. 

The collar in a d/s dynamic relationship is almost like an engagement ring... kind of. It's more of a token that said person is submitting to you and only you. It's a commitment essentially. I didn't know that at the time when I did collar her. It would be like putting and engagement ring on a girl and then saying oh I just thought it was a promise ring.

Edited October 27, 2021 by Foxboy13

[Nothanks]

Ok.  So first let’s deal with the communication issue.  You don’t know if she is coming back for sure or coming back for the right reasons. Talk to her to find out for sure if she is coming back. Don’t accept maybe.  A maybe is no.  As for the right reasos, again talk to her about your expectations for living with you. Half the living expenses or what you think she can afford. The ex should be cut off.  That seems fishy to me.  If she comes back, you want a committed relationship.  As for what she should expect from you, tell her the coping strategies you have learned through therapy. You are committed to continuing in therapy to have stability in your life now.  
 

Now as for your concern about your impulsive behaviour, yes it should be something for her to consider as well.  I’m sure you are working through this with your therapist. All I can say is do not sacrifice your mental health for a relationship.  And I would tell her not to stay with someone if they are abusive.  So if you want a relationship with her, you need to demonstrate changed behaviour through your actions..

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Foxboy13 said:

 Should I tell her so long and thanks for all the fish?

Excellent you are employed and getting the mental health care you need.

Why did she give you fish 🐟? 

[Foxboy13]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent you are employed and getting the mental health care you need.

Why did she give you fish 🐟? 

Lol the fish question kinda made me chuckle. It's a reference from the movie hitchhikers guide to the galaxy.

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Foxboy13 said:

She contacted me recently and said that she more than likely will be coming home by the end of the year.

"More than likely" is not definitely, you need to ask her to clarify.

[Foxboy13]

On 10/27/2021 at 8:34 AM, elaine567 said:

"More than likely" is not definitely, you need to ask her to clarify.

So I reached out to her today. I said if she isn't actually moving back in then she needs to tell me, so I don't get my hopes up. She hasn't responded for over a few hours. Hopefully things turn out well but I know that it may not turn out in the way I think. I've decided I'm taking a step back as what she has said has caused me anxiety. I'm focusing on myself for the time being. I'm still helping her financially because she needs this surgery to live. I of course would never want anything bad to happen to her. I don't expect the money back so I'm already ok with losing that money. As it is to help her live.

[Foxboy13]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Did you make it clear if she moves back in = she pays? 
 

how much money does she owe you now?

I have a feeling she mainly wants a free place to stay. Don’t do that. You don’t want her with you because it’s a free place to stay.

pickup the phone and find out what she intends to do.

So she finally responded and said that she wants to come back home but she is waiting to leave where she is once her ex gets back from working. I spoke to her about what you suggested, she is willing to pay half the rent. And in my own opinion she doesn't owe me but she is willing to help pay for things. She has the money I've given her saved in an account so she can get the surgery she needs. I'm going to help her find a way to get insurance so we can get her health issues resolved. That part has always been a struggle financially. But I care about her so I will continue to help her as much as I can with that. What she has is terminal, and isn't able to get ssi. I've already come to terms that it will get worse but either way I'll still be there for her. I love this woman and I think she still feels the same but doesn't want to say anything about it due to how we broke up. Kind of a grass is greener situation, but I know the grass is greener where you water it. She said she is hopefully definitely coming back before the end of the year and misses her home. But she has also said she is definitely coming back soon (just not sure of exact date) I honestly don't think it's a free ride situation, as she has told me she can make other plans for places to stay. So she is choosing to come back here, not sure if it's familiarity or if I'm the only person who has actually helped her and cared. Also thank you for all the advice it has been extremely helpful 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Foxboy13 said:

I'm going to help her find a way to get insurance so we can get her health issues resolved. 

Social services can provide her with housing, job training and placement, food stamps, as well as medical and mental health care.

[Foxboy13]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Social services can provide her with housing, job training and placement, food stamps, as well as medical and mental health care.

Already have been fighting with them for over a year regarding helping. They don't consider what she has as terminal but what she has is like 1 in 1million chance of happening. I cant explain it without going into detail, but she cant get the help from them.

[glows]

Let us know what she says then. It’s difficult to say whether the reconciliation or her moving back or your previous issues as a couple are resolved. It’s odd that she chose to move back in with an ex to sort her life out to get away from the cruel you. Now she’s checking to see if she can move back to another ex/you? 

You still have feelings for her and seem to have taken it upon yourself to save her or help her. There’s not much anyone can do if you’ve made up your mind.