Ex wife love letters

[Katiebug23]

My husband of 8 years has a box with all his high school sweetheart’s  (whom he later married and obviously divorced 26 years before ) love letters and pictures. I found them when  I moved in with him a year or so before we actually married. Yes, I did read a good many of them and some were even a bit spicy. I kind of thought he may have forgotten he even had them since they were packed away in a closet he gave me permission to clean out for storing a few of my things. I’ve never mentioned it to him until now. During that time,  while I was cleaning, my teenage step Sonoma his own, “secretly” took them to my husband and suggested he do away with them to protect my feelings. That never happened and 8 years later, this container still really bothers me. I finally got up the nerve to ask my husband if these were still so important to him that he couldn’t throw them away and I got a response I wasn’t expecting. He was quite upset that I had invaded his privacy, guess I had to own that, but also told me I was being petty and childish for allowing it to bug me. He finally, in exasperation told me that if I wanted to throw them away I could. He said this in such anger that of course I didn’t. It was like he couldn’t himself bear to part with them enough to dispose of them himself. I know he loves me very much. Should I drop it? Am I really being overly dramatic by wanting them gone? I would think he would gladly toss them himself if they weren’t a big deal to him like he says. I rarely ask him for anything. We have a wonderful marriage, in fact. I do not have any past cards, or love letters from my old boyfriends, or even my late husband, except for a few photos of him for my son to keep someday. Can I get an opinion from someone male and/or female? Thanks so much! 

[central]

I have a few things from past relationships (mostly photos and a piece of art or two), as does my wife.  These are part of our history so they have some meaning in that sense, just as many people will retain some memento from their parents or other relatives.  Some people hang onto such things for nostalgia, and some don't care about the past.  IMO, it's not a concern and wouldn't be unless they look at this stuff often.

[Katiebug23]

Thank you, I agree and I do keep a few items for nostalgic reasons, although nothing to do with former loves. Some of the content a few of the letters have are sexual in nature and also there’s a partially nude photo of her and many scantly clad ones. Lol! I suppose this is what eats at me the most about the “keepsakes”

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Katiebug23 said:

That never happened and 8 years later, this container still really bothers me. He was quite upset that I had invaded his privacy, guess I had to own that, but also told me I was being petty and childish for allowing it to bug me. 

You need to let this go. It was way before you. So what if he wants mementos from his youth and chapters in his life?

He's right. Invading his privacy and worse demanding he throw out something that has nothing to you is controlling and strange.

 It seems you have marital issues with trust, fitting into his life etc. Focus on that rather than making this the issue.

[Katiebug23]

Thanks for your input Wiseman2. Actually I haven’t ever demanded he throw this away. I may have miscommunicated to you all, I simply asked him if it was important enough to hang onto and conveyed to him that it bothered me that he coveted it so. It’s actually located in the corner of our bedroom.  I ASKED if he would be willing to dispose of since it was a bit inappropriate, in my mind.  He has plenty of photos in our albums of her and of the two of them that doesn’t bother me in the least. It’s just the content of these letters that make me cringe as his wife. I admit I shouldn’t have snooped but we agreed long ago that we had nothing or no THING to hide from one another in our marriage or in our house. Momentos seem to me to be photos, jewelry, wedding pictures.... these things I agree are very much acceptable to keep. We have never had marital issues....not even major arguments and I don’t consider this something that should make or break even an unmarried relationship. It’s just a thorn in my side at the moment. Wish I could think of it the way you do. You’re right, I suppose it’s my own obstacle, not his. I am going to try to just turn a blind eye towards that container and admit defeat. Lol! Thanks again!😊

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Katiebug23 said:

Thanks for your input Wiseman2. Actually I haven’t ever demanded he throw this away. I may have miscommunicated to you all, I simply asked him if it was important enough to hang onto and conveyed to him that it bothered me that he coveted it so.

If your communication was so undemanding, he wouldn't have got to the point of being exasperated and angry with you.  

Also, letting it go is not about accepting defeat.  It's about respecting his privacy.  

[Katiebug23]

Thank you basil. He got defensive right off the bat. I didn’t badger or beg, I simply asked and his reply was to immediately make me feel like a fool for even asking. I meant it to be a totally heart to heart but had to muster up several years of courage just to bring it up. I  was actually hoping he’d laugh it off and tell me he’d toss them out himself then and there. I’ve never told him that I know he has read my journals, of which contain nothing I’d hide from him and nothing about my late husband or former intimate relationships.  Most would consider that a privacy invasion. I am so committed to him that during our engagement, I removed and trashed ANYTHING that I thought might remotely offend him as far as my past. I respect his heart and his feelings very much. Maybe that’s just it, it’s that I feel personally disrespected by having to see this everyday? I don’t think I have insecurities where my trust lies with him. Not sure why  I make it a big deal. Wonder if there are other wives that would relate to me. I may be the odd ball here. 😂 I think his ex wife would be flattered to know he still has these and would also think he must still have feelings for her. 

[Acacia98]

I wouldn't ask him to throw them away. Maybe I'd ask him to keep them away so they're not in our room.

Setting that aside, though, it doesn't sound like you have an equal relationship. It sounds like you're walking on eggshells, going out of your way to accommodate him, while he just does what feels comfortable to him. You say it took you years to even bring up this topic that was bugging you. So you basically don't feel safe enough to be vulnerable with him about your insecurities or emotions? Also, how is it possible that he has called you out for reading his letters while you haven't called him out for reading your journals? Is violating privacy a one-way thing?

[basil67]

Have you ever considered that he wouldn't have been offended or hurt if you'd kept your old stuff?  

If you don't want to see it every day,  put the box into the same storage place as you put all the other things which are barely used.   For what it's worth, there are some who would agree with you and some who wouldn't.  It all depends on the outlook of the individual.  

[basil67]

Just now, basil67 said:

Have you ever considered that he wouldn't have been offended or hurt if you'd kept your old stuff?   What can offend one won't always offend another.

If he's read your journals and you've read his letters, that makes you square.  Has he asked you to throw out your journals?  

If you don't want to see it every day,  put the box into the same storage place as you put all the other things which are barely used.   For what it's worth, there are some who would agree with you and some who wouldn't.  It all depends on the outlook of the individual.  

 

[Katiebug23]

Yes basil, I do know that early on, I had a tablet that once belonged to a bf. I actually wound up purchasing it from this guy right before we called it quits. It was a work tool I used everyday. My husband once asked me if I could part with it since it belonged to that guy. I told him I certainly could! I just couldn’t afford another one at the time but I assured him I’d do without one if it bothered him. But he wouldn’t allow me to trash it after that conversation. But I made a goal to buy myself another one and get rid of it.  I never brought up the journal issue because it didn’t bother me that he peeked in. I know he was concerned for me, as I’d just lost my 23 year old son in an accident and maybe he was checking my feelings and frame of mind. I was a grieving mom, and I did journal a lot during that time. Again, nothing I’d keep from him but he didn’t know what was there until he read it. I’d hope he was assured there was no suspicious subject in my thoughts and writings. 

[Katiebug23]

Yes basil, I do know that early on, I had a tablet that once belonged to a bf. I actually wound up purchasing it from this guy right before we called it quits. It was a work tool I used everyday. My husband once asked me if I could part with it since it belonged to that guy. I told him I certainly could! I just couldn’t afford another one at the time but I assured him I’d do without one if it bothered him. But he wouldn’t allow me to trash it after that conversation. But I made a goal to buy myself another one and get rid of it.  I never brought up the journal issue because it didn’t bother me that he peeked in. I know he was concerned for me, as I’d just lost my 23 year old son in an accident and maybe he was checking my feelings and frame of mind. I was a grieving mom, and I did journal a lot during that time. Again, nothing I’d keep from him but he didn’t know what was there until he read it. I’d hope he was assured there was no suspicious subject in my thoughts and writings. 

[petee]

He’s a narcissist. You don’t deserve this being flipped into you.

we all have a history, anew all delete and trash things. He’s been rude and inconsiderate. Accept this and so the spiral begins.

[Katiebug23]

Thanks acacia. I might be walking on egg shells, but not because of any actions on his part towards me, I think I want so bad to make this marriage work for both of us that maybe I try TOO hard sometimes, when in reality I shouldn’t expect perfection. He is a very laid back person. I was just so shocked at his reaction to the fact that this honestly bugged me. Anything else would have been talked over, worked out and resolved with no obstacles what so ever , right then and there. I had hoped someone might see something I’m missing here and you did not let me down!  All  of you have given me super advice and opinions. I see a little clearer now. I suppose the issues I have must be all mine. I owe him another apology for sure for my nosiness.  Silly I know, you guys are only basing your ideas on what I said, so you’re doing all you can. Lol! Thank you for your help and concern! 🥰 

[mark clemson]

You want what you want (that he get rid of this). But, he wants what he wants too  - something he saves to reminisce about one day. This old GF is not a threat to you, just a memory. He may have a similar box saved with momentos from your early days or, IF you were ever to separate, he would probably create one to have things to remember you by.

Some people save things to help them reminisce. Photos, letters, etc. MHO you should let this slide - it's simply not worth creating friction over.

[Katiebug23]

Thanks Mark. In retrospect, you’re probably right. There sure could definitely be worse things to be anxious about! 😜 I should count my blessings. Many thanks again!

[Alpacalia]

Well, we all have a past and people who were a part of it. Why do you have to get rid of all these things people have ever given you simply because they were important to you? You don't stop caring about someone just because things didn't go as planned. However, if it made the other person uncomfortable, some people would be willing to give it up.

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Also, how is it possible that he has called you out for reading his letters while you haven't called him out for reading your journals? Is violating privacy a one-way thing?

Agree. 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[spiritedaway2003]

I am of the camp that I would not toss things that hold nostalgic meanings to me (photos, letters, handmade gifts).  The past is the past and we all have a history.

I could care less about material things and would sooner toss those things out first over nostalgic items. If it is something that would bother someone I care for, I would stash it away. I certainly wouldn’t be amenable to tossing out things of sentimental value just because it was asked (or just because someone might be slightly insecure about the existence of those items).  That’s actually the underlying piece to address.

Edited October 28, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

 That’s actually the underlying piece to address.

Agree.

What brought about your husband's desire that you toss out the tablet and reading through your journal?

Sounds like there's insecurity coming from both directions.

[glows]

10 hours ago, Katiebug23 said:

I finally got up the nerve to ask my husband if these were still so important to him that he couldn’t throw them away and I got a response I wasn’t expecting. He was quite upset that I had invaded his privacy, guess I had to own that, but also told me I was being petty and childish for allowing it to bug me. He finally, in exasperation told me that if I wanted to throw them away I could. He said this in such anger that of course I didn’t. It was like he couldn’t himself bear to part with them enough to dispose of them himself. I know he loves me very much. Should I drop it? Am I really being overly dramatic by wanting them gone? I would think he would gladly toss them himself if they weren’t a big deal to him like he says.

Some keep things and others don't, not to this extent. I am not a keeper of old things or mementos. The memories are in my heart, not in things.

"Finally got up the nerve" may suggest that you were at boiling point and there may have been a strong hint of impatience when you asked him about it a second time. You may not have been aware of your tone or the way you phrased it. He got defensive because he may have felt shamed or as if it is a shameful thing to have or to keep, even though he hasn't paid it much attention. He shouldn't have called you petty or childish because that is him attacking you for something that clearly makes you uncomfortable in your shared home. He is clear that you were free to throw them away so throw it out then if it's causing you this much grief. You're expecting him to take it to the trash but that may not be the type of man he is. I would hope you both married for reasons deeper than how you store your things of old.

Focus on other areas of your marriage and appreciate one another as much as possible. 

 

[Acacia98]

11 hours ago, Katiebug23 said:

I suppose the issues I have must be all mine. I owe him another apology for sure for my nosiness.  Silly I know, you guys are only basing your ideas on what I said, so you’re doing all you can. Lol! Thank you for your help and concern! 🥰 

You're welcome, Katiebug23.

If you have already apologized to him, you don't owe him another apology. That would be doing too much, I think.

And the issues are definitely not all on your side. There's that little matter of the tablet you hadn't mentioned before. It's not a small deal. It tells me that he has similar insecurities and boundary issues to you. As for the issue of his letters, he really shouldn't have them sitting right in your bedroom. That he had them there was not particularly considerate on his part. That he had them right there and didn't expect you to be curious is interesting. That his son (I believe) mentioned them to him in the desire to protect your feelings and he still decided to have them in your bedroom where you would see them everyday... I don't know. And then there's you, on the other hand, going out of your way to get rid of anything that might rub him the wrong way and being understanding of why he would want to read your journals.

[Blind-Sided]

I had a bunch of stuff from my long relationship from when I was young.  I was very much in love with her... but she cheated on me, and it crushed me.   My exW had a few things from her HS BF too.  (who she went back to)   I don't see any issues with keeping mementos, as long as your H isn't dwelling on them.   FYI... I throw out everything from my exW because she tried to destroy me, and was just cruel, and crazy.  I don't need to be reminded of that.  LOL. 

[notbroken]

Drop it.  Let it go (seems you are unable to do that - and that is on you - not him).   You are creating something from nothing.  Respect his right to privacy.   

[Katiebug23]

Thanks everyone for your input. For those that think I should let the issue go, I want to try to do just that. For the one or two of you that understood my issue with it, thank you too! When I signed on to this forum, I guess subconsciously I had hoped to gain a team member for my side. That was wrong and very stupid of me. I asked for opinions from you because you’re all on the outside looking in. I’m taking all that into consideration and working on being a more understanding wife and friend!  My husband is really a found treasure. I suppose I simply want to be the only love he thinks about. 🤣 I obviously have very unrealistic fairytale-ish thoughts on how a good marriage should be. 🤦🏽‍♀️ He chose me, plain and simple. We are both imperfect humans.  In reality, I’m not this overly sensitive about many things at all! That’s the main reason I questioned myself on why this bothered me so much...... so much that I asked for outside advice from strangers! Lol! I’ve been through, and overcome, many things in my adult life and this tiny issue is NOTHING in comparison. I love my husband and he loves me......  I will move on from this eventually. It really IS such a petty little thing. 

[glows]

19 minutes ago, Katiebug23 said:

I suppose I simply want to be the only love he thinks about. 

Why do you doubt this? You very likely are the only person he thinks about if your marriage is as great as you describe. Trust in that.