Ex wife love letters

[Tonk]

What I would do (if I was the husband) would be to scan or photograph all the stuff, put it on a memory stick or CD that can be put away somewhere and forgotten about. Then throw away the physical letters.

[Katiebug23]

Thanks Tonk. I really think, what it all boils down to, is that whether this container of love momentos are within my sight or not doesn’t matter anymore, it was simply his desire to hang onto them is what bothered me the most. The form in which they are saved in, whether physically in a box or stored on a drive wouldn’t matter. It’s that he wants to, and will, keep them forever.  But you’re right in that they’d be out of my sight and stored away. It might take him a week to transfer them in this way. 😂 but your idea is a great one! He could pretend they’re gone forever but secretly filed away technologically. 😉

[Katiebug23]

If he completely destroyed them though, those memories are still in his heart forever too, so........ again, his wish to keep them must be what eats at me most. I’ll get over it one way or another, by reminding myself that I DO know he loves me very much. These letters are just things. I’m going to keep being thankful we have each other. 🥰😊

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Tonk said:

What I would do (if I was the husband) would be to scan or photograph all the stuff, put it on a memory stick or CD that can be put away somewhere and forgotten about. Then throw away the physical letters.

Part of the  thing about keeping stuff like letters is that there is a tangible link to the person who wrote them,  digital copies just do not have the same effect. Digital is a sterile medium.

I am in two minds here, a) I would not want old love letters with sexy photos of ex wives/gfs anywhere near me. BUT b) if they were my keepsakes of old loves I would not ever want to get rid and would resent it badly if I was somehow forced to do it...
It is a dilemma.

Trouble is women in general put a lot of store on love and being the one.
So with that way of thinking, how can she be the most important person in his life if he is still holding onto old love letters and pics from old lovers...?
It erodes her sense of security, safety and stability.
It introduces doubt.
Is he only with her because he couldn't be with the women whose memories he is still holding on to?

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Katiebug23 said:

In reality, I’m not this overly sensitive about many things at all! That’s the main reason I questioned myself on why this bothered me so much...... so much that I asked for outside advice from strangers! Lol! I’ve been through, and overcome, many things in my adult life and this tiny issue is NOTHING in comparison. I love my husband and he loves me......  I will move on from this eventually. It really IS such a petty little thing. 

Your concern was actually very understandable, it's just that sometimes it's wiser to step back and start putting it in perspective (as you seem to be doing). 

We all have idiosyncratic things that trigger us for whatever obscure psychological reasons. This just happens to be one of yours.

[Alpacalia]

At this point you have to let it go.

I have no idea what your relationship is like or why he was reading your diary. 

Nonetheless, you both deserve some privacy (i.e. your private journals) and his old love letters.

So you both need to place this in the larger context of your relationship and your commitment.

 

[Katiebug23]

Thank you Mark and Elaine! Mark, yes, I really have, since getting everyone’s input here, started to put it all in prospective. It’s getting easier in the few short hours since I approached all of you, thanks to your opinions and ideas.  

Elaine! Thank you! To you and Mark, I have to allow my concerns a little validity, like you say. My insecurities may lie in the fact that I am getting older and a bit apprehensive about issues I never worried about before and I need to stop and remember that my husband and his ex wife are also aging and the things these letters contain might not even seem as important to either of them now. Yes, I worry that if I’m more important in his life now, why do these letters and pictures seem like treasures to him? I think that’s really the what and why I needed to learn by asking him if it would bother him to get rid of them. By his reaction, I know that ridding myself of them wouldn’t solve anything if he indeed wants to keep them. I may never know unless I open up that can of worms again. It’s still my issue unless that happens and if I don’t,  maybe sometime he will happen  to look over at this box and decide to address the subject again if only to ease my anxiety once and for all. That would be ideal in my mind! But you can’t always get your way. It’s not all about me, I guess? Lol! Perhaps if he thought I relayed this to a group of strangers on a forum, he might laugh and realize I’m more serious about this than he knew, and would be willing to revisit the subject and close it out for good? Or he might be annoyed that I shared our personal business to anyone who happens to read it and get upset all over again? Lol! 

[Katiebug23]

You’re absolutely right, Alpaca! Thanks

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

18 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

It sounds like you're walking on eggshells, going out of your way to accommodate him, while he just does what feels comfortable to him. You say it took you years to even bring up this topic that was bugging you. So you basically don't feel safe enough to be vulnerable with him about your insecurities or emotions? Also, how is it possible that he has called you out for reading his letters while you haven't called him out for reading your journals? Is violating privacy a one-way thing?

I agree.  It sounds like you are walking on eggshells to make your husband happy and not show "disrespect".  For example, you said that you had a tablet from a former boyfriend, one that you PURCHASED from him.  It wasn't a gift. And yet your husband wanted you to get rid of it because he didn't like the idea that it belonged to your former boyfriend, but it was something you needed for work and couldn't afford to replace at the time.  This is a relationship red-flag.  

 

As for keeping things, a lot of people keep little mementos from their past.  Our pasts, good or bad, shape us into who we are today.  I have always kept little things to remember certain events by, because I thought it would be nice to reminisce about them some day.  It doesn't mean that keeping them has led me to still be infatuated with who I was with or who gave them to me.  Just nice memories.

[ShyViolet]

22 hours ago, Katiebug23 said:

He was quite upset that I had invaded his privacy, guess I had to own that, but also told me I was being petty and childish for allowing it to bug me. 

You know what?  I totally agree with him.  Just because he's your husband doesn't mean that he doesn't still have a right to privacy.  Everyone has a past and has a right to keep mementos from their life.  You are being completely overdramatic and a bit controlling.  You have no right to ask him to get rid of it.  You just don't.  

You know that this ex of his is completely in the past and out of his life.  You know that she's no threat to you.  So you feeling the need to ask that he get rid of it is coming from a place of irrational insecurity.  That's a problem with YOU, not him.  

Edited October 28, 2021 by ShyViolet

[vla1120]

When I was much younger, before I married my husband (now divorced), I found a box of photos and letters he had from the girlfriend before me. I made him dispose of them. To this day, I regret that action. It was part of his past and it was silly to get jealous over pictures and letters. Fast forward 32+ years, after he and I got divorced, his new girlfriend insisted that he remove any evidence of me from his life, including all his social media, photos, tax records, etc. It didn't bother me, but to this day, two of our daughters do not talk to him partly because of how he eliminated any evidence of me ever being in his life, thereby also removing many memories of them. 

Choose your battles wisely.

[flitzanu]

so the box of letters is buried in a closet, or it's sitting in your room?  at first you said you found it cleaning out a closet.

[Katiebug23]

Thank you ShyViolet.... as you can see from my prior posts before yours, I TOTALLY get it! 👍🏻👍🏻My own quote was that “I had to own that” I certainly did invade his privacy. I wonder how many of you, being faced with a box of mysterious letters, would resist unfolding a few and reading their contents!? I wasn’t looking for a Pandora’s Box, I was cleaning a closet. I found them and read quite a few.  Do you think it would’ve been more acceptable had I hid the fact that I did this and just let the fact that it bothers me fester in my egotistical brain? Lol! Not sure my husband would’ve resisted had the shoe been on his foot.  He might’ve handled his discovery a bit better than I, but I’m pretty sure he’d have left them out so I’d know he did. That would obviously been my cue to open a “conversation” regarding them. Maybe he would’ve accepted my choice if I wanted to keep them, who’s to say, since I don’t have any former relationship tokens. So, again, would any of you been able to resist the urge to take a peek? I’m curious to know. 😉

 

vla1120, Thanks very much, we learn from experience and sometimes from other people’s  experience. I appreciate your view since it looks as though you’ve been where I am too! 😊 Your advice I will gladly accept as well. Many thanks! I feel better now that I’ve gotten so many outlooks from everyone! Glad I submitted my issue here. You’ve all been a tremendous help! 

[Katiebug23]

Flitzanu, I found them in a closet he himself asked me to clean out in order to make room for my things upon moving in. It was my step son who took them down to my husband. He suggested that he toss them out. He told me this himself. They are now in our bedroom instead of the closet, although they could have definitely been returned to their original place, had my husband chose to. 

[ShyViolet]

9 minutes ago, Katiebug23 said:

 Do you think it would’ve been more acceptable had I hid the fact that I did this and just let the fact that it bothers me fester in my egotistical brain? Lol! Not sure my husband would’ve resisted had the shoe been on his foot.  He might’ve handled his discovery a bit better than I, but I’m pretty sure he’d have left them out so I’d know he did. That would obviously been my cue to open a “conversation” regarding them. Maybe he would’ve accepted my choice if I wanted to keep them, who’s to say, since I don’t have any former relationship tokens. So, again, would any of you been able to resist the urge to take a peek? I’m curious to know. 😉

I would have been nosy and looked at the contents of the box.  Then I would have put it back and not said a word to him about it, because it's none of my business and it's not my place to tell him that he should get rid of it.  Then I would have moved on with life and not let this ridiculous thing compromise the relationship.

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, Katiebug23 said:

I found them in a closet he himself asked me to clean out in order to make room for my things upon moving in. 

Maybe that in itself is more of an issue than the letters...

[Katiebug23]

ShyViolet,   So you WOULD have violated his privacy? Would you never tell him so? 

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, Katiebug23 said:

ShyViolet,   So you WOULD have violated his privacy? Would you never tell him so? 

If I came across it innocently and completely unexpectedly and it was right in front of me.... I can't say that I would not peek a little.  But I think that's a very different thing than going and telling him that he should throw them away.  In the first instance you stumbled upon it unexpectedly.  In the latter situation you are actually telling him that he should throw away a part of his past and something that belongs to him.  You can't compare the two.

[Katiebug23]

Elaine, you may have hit the nail! It’s hard to pin point just why I’m bothered by it, although after getting all this input, I’m beginning to feel a lot better about it and I feel like it’s more a mole-hill than not! 😊 I found it cleaning, and I had permission to toss out or give away anything I thought was useless. Of course I wouldn’t have thrown anything away that I had questions about as to whether it should be kept or eliminated, so this box was definitely questionable! 😂🤣  What if I’d have just thrown it out with the trash? 🧐 Would it ever be missed? I just can’t say for sure but at least I DID have the courtesy of not trashing it BECAUSE it’s not mine. I hoped he would. But I digress. It’s the purpose of my request for advice. You are all full of help and wisdom and I’m very appreciative that you gave me your time to share your opinions. Thanks! 

[Katiebug23]

I understand ShyViolet. I never made demands that he throw them out. I asked him if it was important enough to hang onto. Maybe I’m being nit picky here with what your point is. I just don’t want you to misread the fact that I approached this gently, no demands. I didn’t throw a temper tantrum, nothing even remote to that. I let him fume and I said I was sorry, for both invading his privacy AND asking if they were keepers. I didn’t ask him to much less beg him to. I’m not comparing the two, I guess the “how I found them”  is irrelevant at this point. I never ever demanded he trash the stuff and I never will! I was searching for an acceptable (to me), reason that he would WANT to keep them. It’s selfish of me, I know. Acceptable to me is really not fair to him. But I hoped to hear a very innocent reason for why. I know it’s not realistic...... 

[Katiebug23]

From the beginning, I owned up to, resent and apologized for reading them. But what I have left is: he wants to keep them. I’ll accept it. Even if I don’t relate to it, I’ll accept it. 

[Katiebug23]

One more thing ( in my defense) ha! In my original text please see that I never mentioned it to him until now. I’m not sure how I’d have handled it, had my step son not taken it to my husband during my decluttering. I’m  guessing it was no secret to son that I discovered he’d left the room with it. He’s a very thoughtful young man and was likely worried that this might be a problem for most couples. But by that action, my H knew I knew about it. Still I said nothing, even though it has sat in a corner of our bedroom all this time. It gets moved to vacuum and clean but it stays there. I only now chose to bring it up to him bc it bothers me so. 

[FMW]

You can't help what you feel.  FWIW, I don't think you looking at what you found or feeling jealous (or whatever you felt) about it is unusual at all.  

Sure, the cool thing would be to have zero insecurities about past relationships, but the reality is we're not always cool.  Until actually faced with a situation we don't really know how we would react.

It's great that you are examining your reaction and feelings about it.  That can help you recognize things about yourself or about your relationship that you would like to work on.  

[Wiseman2]

If all else is good, why manufacturer chaos and drama? 

Leave the past in the past. You're both older and had lives before you married.

[Alpacalia]

I think too that keepsakes, while not always reflecting the person (in this case, your husband's ex letters), are sometimes associated with a meaningful moment in someone's life that they treasure. So it's possible that he just likes remembering how he felt at the time. That doesn't imply he loves you any less.

Edited October 29, 2021 by Alpaca