My in-laws are racist

[No Haters]

I’ve been married for 11 years and have two kids with my husband. My husband’s parents are divorced and remarried and both sides are the kind who spew hate against anything they don’t know or understand. 

The holidays are coming up and I am dreading seeing his family and having to put up with  their racist comments and offensive memorabilias placed strategically within eye site everywhere around their house.

A few years ago, my MIL said a hateful comment against Indians [ ]. She has a daughter in law that is Indian and grandchildren that are half Indian. I took her aside and told her how disappointed I was hearing her racist comment and I didn’t appreciate her saying that in front of my 7 year old daughter. She apologized for swearing in front of my daughter but she didn’t take accountability for her racist comment. She used the excuse of…that was the way she was raised and said I just need to ignore her comments. 🙄

On top of that, I spend the whole time cooking as his mom believes that’s where the females belong…in the kitchen. 

I’m starting to resent my husband as we got married on Thanksgiving weekend and every year we drive 8 hours to celebrate our anniversary at his parents house. I’ve talked to him about getting a divorce, but we agreed to see a counselor. It really didn’t improve our marriage and I feel trapped. 

I can’t stay at my in-laws house for 5 agonizing days for Thanksgiving week. My husband is planning on taking my kids to his parents house for Thanksgiving without me and thinks he’s doing me a favor. 
 

I don’t know how to deal with my husband and in-laws.  Any suggestions?

Edited October 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
politics, group berating, language

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, No Haters said:

My husband is planning on taking my kids to his parents house for Thanksgiving without me and thinks he’s doing me a favor. 

Where are your family? Spend more time with them. Take the kids.

It seems your husband is the problem. He passively condones their views.

Spend more time with your friends and family. Do your friends and family know what he and his family are like?

Unfortunately you can't change them or their views. You'll have to focus on damage control with regard to subjecting your kids to this.

[glows]

Decide whether you want to stay married to this man. You'll then have a clearer picture of how to go about co-parenting because your personal life isn't as entwined with his or his family's values. If you don't want to cook for hours to support the view that women belong in the kitchen, don't. If you don't share their racist views, don't, and choose not to associate with them. However your kids' relationships with their grandparents and their father still remains.

It may be too drastic a change to shift plans already in place for this Thanksgiving depending on how the kids feel also and whether they want to see their grandparents. Think long term and decide what's best for you in the months and years to come.

 

[ajequals]

[ ]  It sounds like you have a major problem with your husbands parents and the culture they reside in which is completely different than your own.  Maybe because you feel they are racist you are acting so yourself . Being children are involved, their grandparents will always be their grandparents regardless of being married or not . maybe you should seek common ground with them while they are still around

Edited October 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic, language

[mark clemson]

Completely understandable if you don't want to spend time with them. Maybe spend the absolute minimum amount of time near them. Not sure how old your kids are but consider explaining to them how messed up these views are, e.g. through discussion of stereotypes and presentation of counter-examples. Discuss how even relatively intelligent people who are not too bad in other ways are vulnerable to this kind of thinking as it's partly a function of how our brains work (overgeneralization, fear of unknowns, etc). Make it a learning experience for them so they are able to process what they are exposed to in a healthy way rather than getting sucked in to nonsense.

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, No Haters said:

I can’t stay at my in-laws house for 5 agonizing days for Thanksgiving week. My husband is planning on taking my kids to his parents house for Thanksgiving without me and thinks he’s doing me a favor. 
 

I don’t know how to deal with my husband and in-laws.  Any suggestions?

Why didn't you tell your husband that you would prefer to spend Thanksgiviing at home this year with just him and the kids?  Wouldn't you still have to spend time in the kitchen?  If you don't want to cook then let him and the kids go to Grandma's house and you stay home and relax.

What would you prefer to do for Thanksgiving?

Edited October 28, 2021 by stillafool

[No Haters]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Thank you all for your advice and feedback. It brings me great comfort in reading all your comments. 

 I have supportive family and friends who have all heard my story, but I think it’s tough for them to give me their honest opinion as I have young kids involved (ages 9 and 12). I mostly hear…look on the bright side, you only have to see your in-laws a few times a year since they live far away.  Since my in-laws live far away, I’ve agreed to spend the holidays with them.  In the past couple of years, I’ve been thinking about skipping the holidays with the in-laws, but never do because I will miss out in spending time with my kids. Although, my in-laws will say racist comments to me, they don’t say it in front of my kids (with the exception of that one time) and I did talk to my kids about it. 
 

 I really have been trying to look the other way and not take my in-laws ignorant comments to heart. I’ve been able to do this for a long time, but it’s wearing on me and making me question my future with my husband. However, I can’t bring myself to act on a divorce because it will devastate my kids. 
 

I’m most likely going to spend Thanksgiving with my immediate family early and skip going to my in-laws. I’ve been condoning their bad behavior for so long and don’t want to keep reinforcing it. 
 

Thank you Wiseman2, glows, AJ equals, Mark Clemson, and stillafool for taking the time to read my post and provide your thoughtful feedback. 

[spiderowl]

I know it must seem all mixed up by now, but it seems to me that there are two problems here:

1) Your relationship with your husband

2) Your in-laws' attitudes.

With regard to (1), are you happy with your husband or not?  If not, what are your grievances against him?  It seems unlikely to me that they would only be about his parents.  You and he are obviously not on the same wavelength with regard to attitudes to some things.  It could be because he was brought up with these attitudes or it could be that you and he are no longer getting on and so you are noticing his lack of resistance to his parents more.  Bear in mind that he has lived with the in-laws for many years and is used to their ways.  It does not mean he condones them, just that he knows they won't change and he wants to maintain a relationship with them.  People manage their parents in their own ways.  If you are not happy with your husband, end the marriage.  Consult a lawyer and find out what the practicalities of the finances would be.  At least you would then be informed.

Re. (2), I can understand your problems with your in-laws.  They do sound remarkably insensitive.  One of my parents was racist and had some horrible attitudes to all kinds of things.  He was stuck in this and did not want to be challenged.  I did not see it as my job to challenge him, much beyond mentioning that I did not agree with him.  He was brought up in a different age and suffered a great deal of trauma and loss in the past.  While that does not excuse it, I am mindful that he was coming from an entirely different place to me.  Would I feel so warmly towards people of a different skin colour if I had been forced to engage in jungle warfare with a terrifying enemy?  That is what my relative was subjected to as a young man.  I think it would have changed my perception of the world.  I think I would have become paranoid and fixed in my views.

The point I am making is that your in-laws have all this baggage in their backgrounds that probably explain some of their attitudes.  If instead of direct confrontation, you had asked 'why do you feel that way?', you might have learned a bit more about what was going on.  On the other hand, they may just be rigid, insensitive characters - it is hard to tell.  Either way, you challenging them will get you nowhere.  If you have to mix with them, I would suggest being warm and positive about the good things about them.  If necessary, tell them you disagree with certain attitudes.  That in itself will inform your children that you are not going along with any prejudice they may exhibit.

I can see why you are unhappy.  Maybe you are faced with a lot of insensitive people.  No-one would feel comfortable with that.  It is not going to change though unless you change it.  It seems you need to get out of this marriage.  It is good that you are expressing your unhappiness here - and people will support you - but ultimately we cannot make an unhappy marriage better.  You sound like a strong woman who has her own values.  I am sure you could make a life for yourself separate from your husband.

Edited October 28, 2021 by spiderowl

[glows]

1 hour ago, No Haters said:

Thank you all for your advice and feedback. It brings me great comfort in reading all your comments. 

 I have supportive family and friends who have all heard my story, but I think it’s tough for them to give me their honest opinion as I have young kids involved (ages 9 and 12). I mostly hear…look on the bright side, you only have to see your in-laws a few times a year since they live far away.  Since my in-laws live far away, I’ve agreed to spend the holidays with them.  In the past couple of years, I’ve been thinking about skipping the holidays with the in-laws, but never do because I will miss out in spending time with my kids. Although, my in-laws will say racist comments to me, they don’t say it in front of my kids (with the exception of that one time) and I did talk to my kids about it. 
 

 I really have been trying to look the other way and not take my in-laws ignorant comments to heart. I’ve been able to do this for a long time, but it’s wearing on me and making me question my future with my husband. However, I can’t bring myself to act on a divorce because it will devastate my kids. 
 

I’m most likely going to spend Thanksgiving with my immediate family early and skip going to my in-laws. I’ve been condoning their bad behavior for so long and don’t want to keep reinforcing it. 
 

Thank you Wiseman2, glows, AJ equals, Mark Clemson, and stillafool for taking the time to read my post and provide your thoughtful feedback. 

Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you some reprieve and peace during the holidays. Post more if it helps. I'm curious how this goes if you choose not to go to your in-laws. Kids tend to be very alert and aware of what's going on. Good for you for stepping out and doing something different that benefits your health or peace of mind.

[No Haters]

Thank you spiderowl for sharing your personal experience with racism and your advice. 
 

glows, I appreciate your comments and will let you know how this goes.