No contact after being dumped

[Billybob]

My gf that I was with for over a year ended our relationship a week ago just saying she didn’t want the relationship any more..  but said she still loved me and thinks I’m wonderful….  Do people split up with people they love and think are wonderful? It seems very puzzling..

Iv tried speaking to her about why and tell her I think we should stay together and work things out but she just said she has nothing to say..   I tried txting and got no reply, I asked why she would ignore me and not speak,  she said she wasn’t ignoring me and that we are talking but she just doesn’t have anything to say…

I did ask if she had met another man and she was quick to say no and she didn’t want anyone..  she went on to say if I ever wanted her help or to chat She’d be there..

Iv watched a thew videos on YouTube about going no contact. About how you should stop contacting your ex and let them experience the break up and give them the chance to miss you etc,  and if they realise they miss you or they made a mistake they could come back on there own terms….   By txting and asking her why we split up and asking to sort things doesn’t allow her to miss the relationship and it makes it easier for her to walk away as she knows I’m still available at any time she wants me back…

I’d like another chance at making our relationship work but at the moment she won’t even talk about it but has offerd she’s there if I need help or someone to talk to..

 

what are people’s thoughts on going no contact?  Does it give false hope?   If I don’t attempt to prove me love for her am I ruining my chances by not trying to communicate with her?   She hasn’t told me to stop contacting her, she just won’t reply to any questions that directly include anything to do with the relationship..

 

sll advice greatly appreciated..

[Wiseman2]

What was the breakup about?

"No contact" is not a 30 day tool to 'get an ex back' contrary to those scammer sites advising this.

 It all boils down to what issues were you having and why weren't they addressed?

[Billybob]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

What was the breakup about?

"No contact" is not a 30 day tool to 'get an ex back' contrary to those scammer sites advising this.

 It all boils down to what issues were you having and why weren't they addressed?

Like I said she hadn’t given me concrete reasons.     At the beginning of our relationship, she said I was holding back and that I could trust her so I needed to give it my all, after 6 months or so she did ask for some space and complain that I loved her to much despite the fact she initiated everything in our relationship..    a couple months back she said she didn’t see a future together because that’s what her gut was telling her but didn’t give loads of clues.  Recently because I had been working hard and longer hours I didn’t see her as much and she questioned what either of us were getting out of the relationship..

she mentioned that the excitement had gone out of the relationship but she loved me and I loved her and that love would prevail…. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas..

we’d both been ill with bad colds and she didn’t want me staying round hers with a cold as it would prevent her sleeping so I hadn’t seen her for over a week.  Last Wednesday she said I could go round to see her but I picked up that her txts wasn’t as warm as usual..  I started to question her about this,  then I asked if I was allowed to stay over and she then said, that her friend is coming over now so not to come round..  I felt a little annoyed and told her I was unhappy about this saying I thought you were ill, you’ve already said I can come over…

 

the next morning I contacted her and she said she didn’t want the relationship anymore, she wanted to be on her own. 2 days later she replied to a txt I had sent saying please find someone more able..

I know she had an illness which her tired at times so I assume that’s what she meant by find someone more able..

I asked don’t you love me anymore, she replied yes of course I do I think you’re wonderful but my gut is telling me it’s not right..  she gave me no percific reason..

I guess she could of told me to stop contacting her but she hadn’t but she doesn’t want to talk about why it ended. She said sorry if I was hurt or upset..

I don’t know what my best play is.. do I have options?

[Foxhall]

Your wording suggests this decision was not triggered by a random event that sparked her annoyance, in which case you would have a better chance of retrieving the relationship.

Unfortunately from your point of view, it appears she has fallen out of love with you (romantically anyway), the relationship has run its course and she wants to take her life in a new direction,

no easy way on this buddy- shes thought it through a while and you have to accept that.

it will take you a few weeks probably, youll be hurting now, but good to have had the experience and move on, new loves, new lusts.

 

 

[Billybob]

4 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Your wording suggests this decision was not triggered by a random event that sparked her annoyance, in which case you would have a better chance of retrieving the relationship.

Unfortunately from your point of view, it appears she has fallen out of love with you (romantically anyway), the relationship has run its course and she wants to take her life in a new direction,

no easy way on this buddy- shes thought it through a while and you have to accept that.

it will take you a few weeks probably, youll be hurting now, but good to have had the experience and move on, new loves, new lusts.

 

 

I guess that’s the harsh reality then..  she did say she was there if I ever needed her help or someone to talk to..   I’m not likely to need her help for anything and don’t see the point to phone my ex to talk about life or any other problem etc..

I guess if I leave her be she will either stay gone or realise she made a mistake she may get in touch.

I wish she had of talked to me more about it tho rather than just say she has nothing to say.. 😕

[Billybob]

8 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Your wording suggests this decision was not triggered by a random event that sparked her annoyance, in which case you would have a better chance of retrieving the relationship.

Unfortunately from your point of view, it appears she has fallen out of love with you (romantically anyway), the relationship has run its course and she wants to take her life in a new direction,

no easy way on this buddy- shes thought it through a while and you have to accept that.

it will take you a few weeks probably, youll be hurting now, but good to have had the experience and move on, new loves, new lusts.

 

 

Why doesn’t or didn’t she block me or to tell not to keep contacting her? Isn’t that what most people do?

[Foxhall]

21 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Why doesn’t or didn’t she block me or to tell not to keep contacting her? Isn’t that what most people do?

Ah she still cares for you, doesnt want to end it that bluntly,

just is no longer excited at the thought of spending a day or night or her life with you,

She prefers to be, Im not going to say with someone else, but pursuing some different activities even,

I agree she could have talked it through with you,

any signs that the relationship was faltering recently, were the dates always enjoyable,

 did this decision come out of the blue for you?

I notice you are posting in long distance section, was that a factor in it?

[Billybob]

4 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Ah she still cares for you, doesnt want to end it that bluntly,

just is no longer excited at the thought of spending a day or night or her life with you,

She prefers to be, Im not going to say with someone else, but pursuing some different activities even,

I agree she could have talked it through with you,

any signs that the relationship was faltering recently, were the dates always enjoyable,

 did this decision come out of the blue for you?

I notice you are posting in long distance section, was that a factor in it?

 

We had gotten on well recently, like I said she did mention the relationship lacked excitement but that’s her life in general. It won’t change if she’s single with me or another man unlesss he’s filthy rich..  she’s tied to her daily life because of children etc..     because she gets tired from illness she can’t always offer her best side to the relationship, if anyone was to be unhappy it should of been me but I was happy…

I know she’s had a history of failed relationships, she finds reasons to end relationships with everyone, it’s almost like she gets bored or something..  I can’t believe with the amount of failed relationships she’s had that the men were all dull and boring etc….  It wasn’t that long ago she told me she loved me more than any other man so I don’t really know what has changed..

she did mention that she was concerned because we don’t have much to talk about.  Her life is same old every day, I go off to work etc.  But let’s be honest most people’s lives are like that?..

her tiredness prevents her from taking to long, she doesn’t have late nights, she doesn’t always have a sex drive so it’s not like I was causing problems etc..

Edited October 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Johnson1]

Some women will say there's no one else in their life, but it's up to you whether or not you want to believe it. It doesn't make sense for her to just split up for no reason, then say you can contact her, but never reply when you do. There's more here than meets the eye. It could be she's not replying back because at the time you text her she could be with another guy and never bothers getting back to you. Sounds she's playing a game telling you you can text her. I think she just told you that, but never meant it. At this point the worst thing you can do is chase her. I'd be stop all contact. She obviously could care less about you. People who care and don't have something else going on on the side don't do that.

Edited October 28, 2021 by Vocals5

[Billybob]

1 minute ago, Vocals5 said:

Women will say there's no one else in their life, but it's up to you whether or not you want to believe it. It doesn't make sense for her to just split up for no reason, then say you can contact her, but never reply when you do. There's more here than meets the eye. It could be she's not replying back because at the time you text her she could be with someone and never bothers getting back to you. Sounds she's playing a game for whatever reason. At this point the worst thing you can do is chase her. I'd be stop all contact. She obviously could care less about you. People who care and don't have something else going on the side don't do that.

I don’t think for 1 minute this all happened because she have another man, she may want one in time etc..  I could be wrong but with the fact she has kids she wouldn’t be rushing another man into her house so quickly after me…

she’s been apologetic about splitting and hurting me, she won’t talk or discuss reasons as to why..  she did say something about us to not being right for each other a while back but that was after telling me she’s never loved anyone like me before..

I accept potentially for sure she wants out right now but I understand why she said I could ask for her help and she’d be there to talk if needed,  because I did say to that yea I want help and to talk about why we’ve split up and she never replied..

if it’s over it’s over, I didn’t ask or beg her to be friends or anything so if she wants us to be finished then I don’t need her help with anything as nice as her words were..

[glows]

3 hours ago, Billybob said:

she won’t even talk about it but has offerd she’s there if I need help or someone to talk to..

 

what are people’s thoughts on going no contact?  Does it give false hope?   If I don’t attempt to prove me love for her am I ruining my chances by not trying to communicate with her?   She hasn’t told me to stop contacting her, she just won’t reply to any questions that directly include anything to do with the relationship..

 

 

2 hours ago, Billybob said:

the next morning I contacted her and she said she didn’t want the relationship anymore, she wanted to be on her own. 2 days later she replied to a txt I had sent saying please find someone more able..

From her above comments it sounds like she thinks you need help, professional help. Is there any history of mental health issues? You are broken up and hurt which I understand but I think she is extracting herself because she finds you needy or possibly emotionally unstable. I cannot imagine why someone would suggest that you need to "find someone more able" or why she is so mum about her reasons for breaking it off unless she thinks that you will harm yourself or potentially continue to argue with her or not accept her reasons. Let this be. Do not seek to reconcile or manipulate her into missing you with no contact schemes. 

Limit or go no contact because you need time to heal and recoup, or possibly seek counselling if you feel this is applicable.

[flitzanu]

everything she is saying is giving a clear picture that she is done and moving on and wants you to do the same.

no more begging or chasing her, stop contacting her, delete and block all her contact information and start healing.

[Johnson1]

27 minutes ago, Billybob said:

I don’t think for 1 minute this all happened because she have another man, she may want one in time etc..  I could be wrong but with the fact she has kids she wouldn’t be rushing another man into her house so quickly after me…

she’s been apologetic about splitting and hurting me, she won’t talk or discuss reasons as to why..  she did say something about us to not being right for each other a while back but that was after telling me she’s never loved anyone like me before..

I accept potentially for sure she wants out right now but I understand why she said I could ask for her help and she’d be there to talk if needed,  because I did say to that yea I want help and to talk about why we’ve split up and she never replied..

if it’s over it’s over, I didn’t ask or beg her to be friends or anything so if she wants us to be finished then I don’t need her help with anything as nice as her words were..

Yea, bro. I just ended a year and a half relationship where we were engaged. I was living with her for 8 months and all she did was look for any reason to start fights when she got drunk, then threaten that I needed to leave and find another girl. Finally I did and never looked back. Only you would know if there was someone else. Her telling you she loves you is the same as her saying it's alright to text her. Always believe the opposite. The reason why she's not replying back is because you're pressing her on questions she doesn't want to answer. I think she means only text her as a friend if you're in situation that requires her help, but even then she's probably just saying that to be nice. Sorry that happened. You're just better off moving on. Some things just aren't meant to be. Good luck!

[Billybob]

1 hour ago, glows said:

 

From her above comments it sounds like she thinks you need help, professional help. Is there any history of mental health issues? You are broken up and hurt which I understand but I think she is extracting herself because she finds you needy or possibly emotionally unstable. I cannot imagine why someone would suggest that you need to "find someone more able" or why she is so mum about her reasons for breaking it off unless she thinks that you will harm yourself or potentially continue to argue with her or not accept her reasons. Let this be. Do not seek to reconcile or manipulate her into missing you with no contact schemes. 

Limit or go no contact because you need time to heal and recoup, or possibly seek counselling if you feel this is applicable.

No it definitely isn’t about mental health or anything like that,  we haven’t had massive arguments since we split, she’s not a vindictive person..    I my self have tried to be polite and amicable with her…

Couple weeks before we split she got really angry about something she wanted my help with,  I suggested doing something slightly different to what she wanted and to be fair she went a bit mental, she even punched the door frame hurting her hand, it was a complete over reaction in her part, any way couple days after that she felt so low and depressed she actually spoke about her life being pointless and suggested how she’d be better off dead.. so when we split up I said to her that she’s never to feel alone and that she could always reach out to me if needed..

the next morning she seemed happy and just said she was there if I needed help with anything or wanted someone to chat to…. As much as she split up, it was as amicable as possible…

I my self was a little bit confused that in 1 hand she wanted to split up and didn’t want to go into detail as to why but was offering her self to be available to me if needed..  she could of just thanked me for offering to be there or ignored me…

like I said I’m upset it’s over but I don’t need to turn to her for help or to talk about anything as friends or what ever etc…. I won’t constantly chase her neither..  I’m just trying to be a good sport despite losing I don’t want to be overly bitter towards her..  i’m just grieving the lose of someone with out knowing the real reason as to why and may never know unless one day she contacts me and we talk about why..

I accept it’s over but I am disappointed about it..

[Billybob]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

everything she is saying is giving a clear picture that she is done and moving on and wants you to do the same.

no more begging or chasing her, stop contacting her, delete and block all her contact information and start healing.

You’re suggesting I block her number and delete it?  If she really wanted to contact me she’d use her daughters phone….    I don’t feel the need to block her number to accept it’s over etc, it’s seems petty on my part to block her like that. She ended the relationship but she didn’t go out of her way to be vindictive etc..

[ShyViolet]

Going no contact is not a strategy to get the person back.  It's about you accepting that the relationship is over.  She couldn't  possibly be making it more clear that she is done with you.  Don't be that person who refuses to accept it.  It's not going to work and it makes you look pathetic and desperate.  Listen to what she has told you, and don't keep chasing her.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Billybob said:

she did say something about us to not being right for each other a while back

What did she want to see changed? What did she mean by this? It seems you do know what her issues were but didn't take them seriously. 

What do you men by "rushing another man into her house? Were you living there? Did she want more commitment?

Did she have issues with your drinking, porn, flirting, exes, employment, etc. What were talks(like this) or arguments generally about?

When someone starts saying "we're incompatible" it means there are known differences that are not fixable or not addressed.

[glows]

36 minutes ago, Billybob said:

No it definitely isn’t about mental health or anything like that,  we haven’t had massive arguments since we split, she’s not a vindictive person..    I my self have tried to be polite and amicable with her…

Couple weeks before we split she got really angry about something she wanted my help with,  I suggested doing something slightly different to what she wanted and to be fair she went a bit mental, she even punched the door frame hurting her hand, it was a complete over reaction in her part, any way couple days after that she felt so low and depressed she actually spoke about her life being pointless and suggested how she’d be better off dead.. so when we split up I said to her that she’s never to feel alone and that she could always reach out to me if needed..

the next morning she seemed happy and just said she was there if I needed help with anything or wanted someone to chat to…. As much as she split up, it was as amicable as possible…

I my self was a little bit confused that in 1 hand she wanted to split up and didn’t want to go into detail as to why but was offering her self to be available to me if needed..  she could of just thanked me for offering to be there or ignored me…

like I said I’m upset it’s over but I don’t need to turn to her for help or to talk about anything as friends or what ever etc…. I won’t constantly chase her neither..  I’m just trying to be a good sport despite losing I don’t want to be overly bitter towards her..  i’m just grieving the lose of someone with out knowing the real reason as to why and may never know unless one day she contacts me and we talk about why..

I accept it’s over but I am disappointed about it..

This is so disturbing. I don't know why for one second you would stick around with anyone who punches doors/door frames. Regardless of your separate issues with each other, I think it's best to let this rest, for good. It's over and it sounds like it's a very, very good thing.

[Billybob]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What did she want to see changed? What did she mean by this? It seems you do know what her issues were but didn't take them seriously. 

What do you men by "rushing another man into her house? Were you living there? Did she want more commitment?

Did she have issues with your drinking, porn, flirting, exes, employment, etc. What were talks(like this) or arguments generally about?

When someone starts saying "we're incompatible" it means there are known differences that are not fixable or not addressed.

Honestly mate, it’s very vague.. like I explained, when we first got together she wanted me to fully trust her, she wanted all my love 200%..  Iv never lived with her and don’t even think I’v ever seen her 7 nights in a week but at one point after asking me to give 100% she claimed I didn’t have enough interests in life other than work and her but truth is I sacrificed some interests to be with her,  she would often be on her phone when I was with her but I remember her telling me off for being on my phone, I would check football scores or check in on a game I play…. It wasn’t obsessing or anything..

because she was often tired or a little cranky all she mostly wanted to do was watch tv and not talk to much but she said we didn’t have much to talk about stateing that I didn’t have enough hobbies, like I explained I had to give some up to be with her, she doesn’t have any hobbies, her life is mundane and same old day in day out..

I’m not sure what she expected from me, any problems we had as a couple were problems that came with her life and her actions, I never took baggage or problems to her door…. Also she’s dated lots of different men from all walks of life and she always find a reason to end the relationship..  maybe she gets bored..

I was constantly giving her what she requested but some times it was either not enough or to much..   there isn’t any one issue that stands out..  she has recently told me she loved me more than any man ever and she knows her youngest child thought the world of me..

in my opinion there were no major issues that couldn’t of been resolved by talking..

[Billybob]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

This is so disturbing. I don't know why for one second you would stick around with anyone who punches doors/door frames. Regardless of your separate issues with each other, I think it's best to let this rest, for good. It's over and it sounds like it's a very, very good thing.

I was shocked by this, it seemed very over the top just because I suggested something different from what she wanted.. yes I will agree she had a bad temper and I was advised by friends to walk away several months ago but that wasn’t the reason we split up..

[Billybob]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

This is so disturbing. I don't know why for one second you would stick around with anyone who punches doors/door frames. Regardless of your separate issues with each other, I think it's best to let this rest, for good. It's over and it sounds like it's a very, very good thing.

I don’t want to be horrible but I do think she has issues, insecurities or low self esteem of some degree..  not being big headed but she’s not finished this because I’v mistreated her or because I’m a horrible person hence why she said she thinks I’m wonderful after she ended it..  🤔 it’s very bizzare for sure..

[spiderowl]

6 hours ago, Billybob said:

My gf that I was with for over a year ended our relationship a week ago just saying she didn’t want the relationship any more..  but said she still loved me and thinks I’m wonderful….  Do people split up with people they love and think are wonderful? It seems very puzzling..

Iv tried speaking to her about why and tell her I think we should stay together and work things out but she just said she has nothing to say..   I tried txting and got no reply, I asked why she would ignore me and not speak,  she said she wasn’t ignoring me and that we are talking but she just doesn’t have anything to say…

I did ask if she had met another man and she was quick to say no and she didn’t want anyone..  she went on to say if I ever wanted her help or to chat She’d be there..

Iv watched a thew videos on YouTube about going no contact. About how you should stop contacting your ex and let them experience the break up and give them the chance to miss you etc,  and if they realise they miss you or they made a mistake they could come back on there own terms….   By txting and asking her why we split up and asking to sort things doesn’t allow her to miss the relationship and it makes it easier for her to walk away as she knows I’m still available at any time she wants me back…

I’d like another chance at making our relationship work but at the moment she won’t even talk about it but has offerd she’s there if I need help or someone to talk to..

 

what are people’s thoughts on going no contact?  Does it give false hope?   If I don’t attempt to prove me love for her am I ruining my chances by not trying to communicate with her?   She hasn’t told me to stop contacting her, she just won’t reply to any questions that directly include anything to do with the relationship..

 

sll advice greatly appreciated..

Going no contact might help you to get over the ex because you are not constantly receiving messages from her or hearing how she is doing (or how she is possibly moving on).  It sounds like she just lost attraction and feels you are not the one for her.  It just happens and usually no-one is to blame,  You can't help it if your feelings change.  She was honest in saying you are a great guy and that she still loves you.  She does, but it is more like as a friend now.  She thinks you're a great guy who could meet another great woman, but she is just not interested herself any more.

I know it is incredibly hard to hear and it seems not to make sense, but it does in its own way.

Going no contact might help you, if you really don't want her contacting you to be a friend.  There is always the aspect that she is not getting chance to miss you while she still has you at the end of a phone/text or email.  However, it would be better to assume you are broken up for good rather than to hope that she will miss you and come back to you if you go no contact.  No contact gives you a chance to get used to being without her and not to be 'on a string' for her.  

One thing worth remembering is that now you are free, you can find and date other women, see if you can find someone better.  I know when we feel bonded to someone, we don't usually want to date others.  That is the hard thing about break-ups; often one person still feels bonded and attached whereas the other has started to become detached and disengaged.  Opening yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone new (and better) will help you to feel less attached.

Good luck!

Edited October 28, 2021 by spiderowl

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, time for you to learn here. You break up with someone because you don't think the relationship can soar like you want it to sore, because something about the relationship just doesn't feel great in your heart and soul.

You might "love" the person--or perhaps more accurate you will say you love them. But this love feeling does not mean you like spending lots of time with them, that you learn from them, that you are impressed and blown away by them, or that you think they just bring light to your day. And it certainly doesn't mean you're truly physically turned on by them. 

Let me make analogy to another realm of relationships. Let's take parents and children. I assume almost all parents "love" their children. But that doesn't mean these parents LIKE their all their children--and parents certainly don't enjoy the company of their children in the same way, or to the same level. Parents don't have to like their kid in order to love them. In relationship you want to love, like and lust after the other person.

Also in the context of a breakup, "love" often just means the dumper is trying to soften the pain to you. That's all it means. 

She is not giving you specific complaints for the same reason that you didn't get specific when you didn't respond to women who were interested in you. Trust me: there ARE highly specific reasons she broke up with you. And these reasons are quite predictable. Basically she's not excited to be with you. She's probably not that attracted to you. In her heart and soul, she thinks you're a fine human being but someone she cannot reach true happiness with. 

It is disorienting when we're really happy with someone and they break up with us and when didn't see any hints of it coming. We cannot fathom that they don't feel what we feel. Some people are good at disguising feelings and hiding ambivalence--at least for a while. And it takes experience and real skill to be able to read and notice when someone is ambivalent even if on the surface of things they seem content. 

You'll recover. 

 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Billybob]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She is not giving you specific complaints for the same reason that you didn't get specific when you didn't respond to women who were interested in you. Trust me: there ARE highly specific reasons she broke up with you. And these reasons are quite predictable. Basically she's not excited to be with you. She's probably not that attracted to you. In her heart and soul, she thinks you're a fine human being but someone she cannot reach true happiness with. 

The weird thing is she was saying she’s never loved anyone as much as me not long before all this happened, yet she appears to of found reason not to want to be with someone that gave her what she wanted and treated her how she wanted..   very bizarre:/

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, Billybob said:

 a couple months back she said she didn’t see a future together because that’s what her gut was telling her

^^^ this.
This is why she loves you and thinks you are wonderful but she still split up with you.
Seeing no future is  a common and a big reason for breaking up.