No contact after being dumped

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, Billybob said:

The weird thing is she was saying she’s never loved anyone as much as me not long before all this happened, yet she appears to of found reason not to want to be with someone that gave her what she wanted and treated her how she wanted..   very bizarre:/

She might have felt like you were a better man than others she's dated. She may have trusted you more than others, she might have felt safer with you than with others. She may have been using "love" in those senses of the word. She might even have felt that she "should" love you more than others.

Doesn't mean she was getting from the relationship what she wanted to get. Doesn't mean she liked your life or thought you had the qualities she wanted in a partner long term. She might have thought you weren't ambitious enough, didn't have the long term goals she wanted, didn't have the level of career drive she wanted and on and on. 

When she said she didn't see a future with you, that was the time for you to wake up, jump up, disrupt your complency and probe her for what she was thinking and feeling. That was your warning, and you apparently missed it. You needed to stop things right there and then--because you were suddenly standing on quicksand. Now this isn't entirely your fault. If you don't have a lot of experience and if you've heard someone say they love you, then you can easily miss (and want to miss) the reality that "I don't see a future" cancels out any previous statement. Cancels out everything. That's the new and urgent truth of things. 

In fact, those words were pretty much a breakup announcement right there. The fuse was lit. It was just a matter of time before the bomb exploded. 

 

 

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Billybob]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She might have felt like you were a better man than others she's dated. She may have trusted you more than others, she might have felt safer with you than with others. She may have been using "love" in those senses of the word. She might even have felt that she "should" love you more than others.

Doesn't mean she was getting from the relationship what she wanted to get. Doesn't mean she liked your life or thought you had the qualities she wanted in a partner long term. She might have thought you weren't ambitious enough, didn't have the long term goals she wanted, didn't have the level of career drive she wanted and on and on. 

When she said she didn't see a future with you, that was the time for you to wake up, jump up, disrupt your complency and probe her for what she was thinking and feeling. That was your warning, and you apparently missed it. You needed to stop things right there and then--because you were suddenly standing on quicksand. Now this isn't entirely your fault. If you don't have a lot of experience and if you've heard someone say they love you, then you can easily miss (and want to miss) the reality that "I don't see a future" cancels out any previous statement. Cancels out everything. That's the new and urgent truth of things. 

In fact, those words were pretty much a breakup announcement right there. The fuse was lit. It was just a matter of time before the bomb exploded. 

 

 

 

Oh well, I gave my best, I gave everything she asked for.  She causes 95% of all problems we ever had, she was constyrslking about ex’s and there were many..I often weighted on her hand and foot after a hard days work,   Me being driven at work caused problems because  the fact I’d need to be at work..

she may have her reasons for wanting out but I know I gave and gave and never got the same in return, I just kept getting told that the fact she had 2 kids to look after and I only had my self and a full time job that my life was easy and that hers was difficult hence she didn’t have the time or energy to give me much love or affection but constantly demanded it from me…

she sold me a dream? Promised the earth and she never came close to delivering where as I over came every obstacle put in front of me..  

as upsetting as it is now my life will be easier as a result and it gives me the opportunity to find someone that can appreciate my values and has the energy to actually want to give something in return rather than just take.. 

my ex did tell me all though she feels tired a lot now her illness was getting worse, she’ll potentially need care 24/7 at some point, she told me she was no longer a catch and that perhaps she’d never find anyone..   

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you were unhappy and that you didn't find the relationship equal and satisfying. So now we're getting more of the story.

You NEVER want to wait on someone hand and foot. Never! Outside of an emergency such as a major illness. catastrophic illness, say. The goal is mutual joy from being with each other, not one waiting on the other. 

You cannot win someone's affection by lopsidedly catering to them.  That strategy doesn't work. People become bored with us because we are hiding and we lose our charm and appeal, even our edge and individuality. You also end up blocking the person from coming towards you. Dude, you've likely met people who probably would cater to you, wait on your every whim. There is a reason you're not dating these people. Because that's not an attractive quality for most people these days. 

And, the real killer is that people are not grateful or happy about partners who wait on them hand and foot--again outside of severe illness. That's middle-school thinking. Researchers have studied this and it turns out that the giver in an unequal relationship is the one who becomes more attached and invested in the relationship. The receiver basically gets bored. The receiver wants to find someone who makes their heart race, someone who they feel the need to hustle for and to please as much as the person pleases them.

You've got to let your partner give more, a lot more. You want to be hurt by a breakup but not because you waited on them and therefore you are feeling betrayed or used. 

But I feel your pain. There is something particularly devastating about being dumped by someone you waited on. OMG. Awful. Now, don't get me wrong: you don't want to become a jerk. But you do want to chill, stay in your space and let your partner step to you as much as you step to them-- based on your natural qualities and strengths.  

Great lesson here, bro, and lesson. 

 

 

[Billybob]

3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds like you were unhappy and that you didn't find the relationship equal and satisfying. So now we're getting more of the story.

You NEVER want to wait on someone hand and foot. Never! Outside of an emergency such as a major illness. catastrophic illness, say. The goal is mutual joy from being with each other, not one waiting on the other. 

You cannot win someone's affection by lopsidedly catering to them.  That strategy doesn't work. People become bored with us because we are hiding and we lose our charm and appeal, even our edge and individuality. You also end up blocking the person from coming towards you. Dude, you've likely met people who probably would cater to you, wait on your every whim. There is a reason you're not dating these people. Because that's not an attractive quality for most people these days. 

And, the real killer is that people are not grateful or happy about partners who wait on them hand and foot--again outside of severe illness. That's middle-school thinking. Researchers have studied this and it turns out that the giver in an unequal relationship is the one who becomes more attached and invested in the relationship. The receiver basically gets bored. The receiver wants to find someone who makes their heart race, someone who they feel the need to hustle for and to please as much as the person pleases them.

You've got to let your partner give more, a lot more. You want to be hurt by a breakup but not because you waited on them and therefore you are feeling betrayed or used. 

But I feel your pain. There is something particularly devastating about being dumped by someone you waited on. OMG. Awful. Now, don't get me wrong: you don't want to become a jerk. But you do want to chill, stay in your space and let your partner step to you as much as you step to them-- based on your natural qualities and strengths.  

Great lesson here, bro, and lesson. 

 

 

My pet cat of 19 years has fallen ill and I think her time is up, my ex always knew I’d struggle with this and when we were together she offers to help with this..

im grieving the loss of my gf and now my fury companion of 19 years. To say I don’t feel any less than destroyed this morning is an understatement…

I told my ex about my cat.  She’s actually been caring. She said I’m not alone and that she’s there to help me. Unfortunately she can’t help me because she’s taken away the thing I wanted from her which was her love In return..

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Billybob said:

Oh well, I gave my best, I gave everything she asked for.  She  she had 2 kids to look after and I only had my self and a full time job that my life was easy and that hers was difficult hence she didn’t have the time or energy   

Sounds like basic incompatibilities. She didn't see you as committed or  partner or potential step parent material.

You were on different wavelengths. She's exasperated, overwhelmed and exhausted.

Try dating women without children, responsibility or health problems. That seems to be what you need.

Edited October 29, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Billybob]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like basic incompatibilities. She didn't see you as committed or  partner or potential step parent material.

You were on different wavelengths. She's exasperated, overwhelmed and exhausted.

Try dating women without children, responsibility or health problems. That seems to be what you need.

It isn’t quite like that not unless she hides things.  I guess the reason why doesn’t matter. She’s gone so need to move on…

She said she’d be there if I needed help so I asked for advice regarding my poorly cat..     she told me this morning it wasn’t my fault that she wasn’t content, she said she just realised she better on her own..

like I say, the reasons don’t matter unless I was at fault for something bad..

 

I’m just grieving now, I feel alone and sad, no friends or family and help….  I believe we still care for each other even if we can’t be together, she’s happy to have me in her life as friendship, she told me today Iv not lost her, she’s still here, were just not together romantically any more…

I don’t feel having her as a friend is fulfilling or rewarding certainly so soon after splitting up.. but I do miss her.

[Billybob]

14 hours ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ this.
This is why she loves you and thinks you are wonderful but she still split up with you.
Seeing no future is  a common and a big reason for breaking up.

Because of what’s happened today with my little fury friend,  I’v spoken to my ex and got more from her than the past 2 weeks..after saying I was alone since we split she said I’m not alone because she’s there.    I explained to her if it wasn’t for my cat she’d still be ignoring me..  she replied with “I’ve never been ignoring you. I’ve not blocked you, I’ve read everything you’ve sent me.

You’ll be just fine, and I’m here for you afterwards xxx”

even I’m not stupid but here’s the thing..  why does she even think that once I’m over her I want her in any capacity?  Is it arrogance on her part? I accept she doesn’t want the relationship and I’m only sad as a result but I’m not so needy that I’ll need her in my life once I’m over her… 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Because of what’s happened today with my little fury friend,  I’v spoken to my ex and got more from her than the past 2 weeks..after saying I was alone since we split she said I’m not alone because she’s there.    I explained to her if it wasn’t for my cat she’d still be ignoring me..  she replied with “I’ve never been ignoring you. I’ve not blocked you, I’ve read everything you’ve sent me.

You’ll be just fine, and I’m here for you afterwards xxx”

even I’m not stupid but here’s the thing..  why does she even think that once I’m over her I want her in any capacity?  Is it arrogance on her part? I accept she doesn’t want the relationship and I’m only sad as a result but I’m not so needy that I’ll need her in my life once I’m over her… 

How is your cat? Take it to the vet if you haven't already, it may be something as simple as an infection and an antibiotic will cure it.
It is only natural that your ex wants to support you now your cat is ill, you have history.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hang in there man. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Billybob said:

She said she’d be there if I needed help so I asked for advice regarding my poorly cat..

Ok. Talk to trusted friends, family and your veterinarian about your cat.  You broke up so don't rely on each other.

[Billybob]

The cat is 19 and starting to have kidney failure, given her age and the fact I work long hours she’s being put to sleep. 😭

[elaine567]

35 minutes ago, Billybob said:

The cat is 19 and starting to have kidney failure, given her age and the fact I work long hours she’s being put to sleep. 😭

Kidney failure early doors is treated with a special diet, it is not a death sentence.

[Billybob]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Kidney failure early doors is treated with a special diet, it is not a death sentence.

Is it really?   My ex told me months ago she had kidney problems,  she told me this morning that I should put her to sleep to save her any suffering..

 

because I’m at work all day I’m not here to care for her. I can’t risk her having a turn and being in pain all day…

she’s 19, she can’t hardly walk, clean herself, or even jump onto the sofa..

based on the vets advice and her age and how I see her struggling Iv decided to put her to sleep as upsetting as it is..

Iv never had such a hard decision to make.. 😭

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Billybob said:

My ex told me months ago she had kidney problems,  she told me this morning that I should put her to sleep to save her any suffering..

You need to stay no contact and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Contact a veterinarian. Do Not Blame your cats issues on your ex's input. Contact a vet.. See how you could make the cat more comfortable.

[Billybob]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to stay no contact and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Contact a veterinarian. Do Not Blame your cats issues on your ex's input. Contact a vet.. See how you could make the cat more comfortable.

I’m not blaming my cats issues on my ex..

Iv spoken to the vets and it was considered best for her to be put to sleep..

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Iv spoken to the vets and it was considered best for her to be put to sleep..

If she can't walk, can't clean herself, can't  jump up anywhere, and is in renal failure then sounds like you and your vet, are making the right decision, hard as it is.
Hugs.

[Billybob]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If she can't walk, can't clean herself, can't  jump up anywhere, and is in renal failure then sounds like you and your vet, are making the right decision, hard as it is.
Hugs.

Bless her, up until today she has always purred, she seemed in good spirits when I left her with the vet but even medicated she wasn’t going to last long or have an enjoyable life..  I feel so bad for choosing to take her life, I miss her like crazy and it’s only been 4 hours.. 

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear about your kitty. Don’t speak with your ex anymore. The relationship is in the past.

[dramafreezone]

On 10/28/2021 at 7:28 AM, Billybob said:

My gf that I was with for over a year ended our relationship a week ago just saying she didn’t want the relationship any more..  but said she still loved me and thinks I’m wonderful….  Do people split up with people they love and think are wonderful? It seems very puzzling..

Iv tried speaking to her about why and tell her I think we should stay together and work things out but she just said she has nothing to say..   I tried txting and got no reply, I asked why she would ignore me and not speak,  she said she wasn’t ignoring me and that we are talking but she just doesn’t have anything to say…

I did ask if she had met another man and she was quick to say no and she didn’t want anyone..  she went on to say if I ever wanted her help or to chat She’d be there..

Once she's broken up with you it's already past the point of no return.  The time to act was when she was pulling away, calling less often, seeming less enthusiastic to see you.  That happens in every single relationship.  It's the alarms going off.

You're trying to apply logic to an emotional decision that she's made.  Whatever she says, she "doesn't see a future" is rationalization for the fact that she's no longer attracted to you.  There are thousands of women in relationships right now that logically know there's no future with this guy, but they're crazy about him.  Of course plenty of women would love to see a future with a guy, but if they like him enough it's not necessary for them to date him. 

When attraction is high enough it overrides logic.  So her rationalization means nothing, it's just a front for the fact that she's no longer attracted to you.  In that sense, you can't talk her back into it, it's not a light switch that she can turn on and off.  Trying to reason her into making an emotional decision is a waste of time.

22 hours ago, Billybob said:

The weird thing is she was saying she’s never loved anyone as much as me not long before all this happened, yet she appears to of found reason not to want to be with someone that gave her what she wanted and treated her how she wanted..   very bizarre:/

Judge a person by her actions.  She's just trying to make you feel better about yourself, while also saying that she can't date you.  It doesn't make any sense, so don't try to make it make sense, go by the actions.

I no longer go out of my way to avoid talking to someone.  I don't delete numbers, or block on social media, but I know it helps other people to resist the urge to contact them, so do what you feel is best.  I think its easier to just be cordial, move on with your life and allow feelings to dissapate slowly and naturally over time.  In my mind deleting their numbers or blocking them on social media gives them too much control over me, as if I won't be able to resist contacting them if I don't.  Also I don't understand why I would shun this person from my life when at one point they meant so much to me.  

Sorry about your cat.  19 years old, geez.  Talk to a vet but that cat has lived a very long, full life.  Be thankful for that.

Edited October 29, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Billybob]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Once she's broken up with you it's already past the point of no return.  The time to act was when she was pulling away, calling less often, seeming less enthusiastic to see you.  That happens in every single relationship.  It's the alarms going off.

You're trying to apply logic to an emotional decision that she's made.  Whatever she says, she "doesn't see a future" is rationalization for the fact that she's no longer attracted to you.  There are thousands of women in relationships right now that logically know there's no future with this guy, but they're crazy about him.  Of course plenty of women would love to see a future with a guy, but if they like him enough it's not necessary for them to date him. 

When attraction is high enough it overrides logic.  So her rationalization means nothing, it's just a front for the fact that she's no longer attracted to you.  In that sense, you can't talk her back into it, it's not a light switch that she can turn on and off.  Trying to reason her into making an emotional decision is a waste of time.

Judge a person by her actions.  She's just trying to make you feel better about yourself, while also saying that she can't date you.  It doesn't make any sense, so don't try to make it make sense, go by the actions.

I no longer go out of my way to avoid talking to someone.  I don't delete numbers, or block on social media, but I know it helps other people to resist the urge to contact them, so do what you feel is best.  I think its easier to just be cordial, move on with your life and allow feelings to dissapate slowly and naturally over time.  In my mind deleting their numbers or blocking them on social media gives them too much control over me, as if I won't be able to resist contacting them if I don't.  Also I don't understand why I would shun this person from my life when at one point they meant so much to me.  

Sorry about your cat.  19 years old, geez.  Talk to a vet but that cat has lived a very long, full life.  Be thankful for that.

My ex has been supporting today with regards to my cat, I miss my ex but don’t hate or wish any ill fate on her..

I’m not sure why she’s chosen today of all days but she’s opening up about things and giving me more information about her feelings…

she did reiterate that once things are ok between us she will always be there for me..

I asked her why she felt I would be of benefit as a friend considering she didn’t believe me to be worthy of staying in a relationship,    She said “We know each other well, so staying friends has huge benefits”.  Benefits for who? What do I benefit from?

[Billybob]

On 10/29/2021 at 8:48 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds like you were unhappy and that you didn't find the relationship equal and satisfying. So now we're getting more of the story.

You NEVER want to wait on someone hand and foot. Never! Outside of an emergency such as a major illness. catastrophic illness, say. The goal is mutual joy from being with each other, not one waiting on the other. 

You cannot win someone's affection by lopsidedly catering to them.  That strategy doesn't work. People become bored with us because we are hiding and we lose our charm and appeal, even our edge and individuality. You also end up blocking the person from coming towards you. Dude, you've likely met people who probably would cater to you, wait on your every whim. There is a reason you're not dating these people. Because that's not an attractive quality for most people these days. 

And, the real killer is that people are not grateful or happy about partners who wait on them hand and foot--again outside of severe illness. That's middle-school thinking. Researchers have studied this and it turns out that the giver in an unequal relationship is the one who becomes more attached and invested in the relationship. The receiver basically gets bored. The receiver wants to find someone who makes their heart race, someone who they feel the need to hustle for and to please as much as the person pleases them.

You've got to let your partner give more, a lot more. You want to be hurt by a breakup but not because you waited on them and therefore you are feeling betrayed or used. 

But I feel your pain. There is something particularly devastating about being dumped by someone you waited on. OMG. Awful. Now, don't get me wrong: you don't want to become a jerk. But you do want to chill, stay in your space and let your partner step to you as much as you step to them-- based on your natural qualities and strengths.  

Great lesson here, bro, and lesson. 

 

 

I’m trying to educate my self and have a better understanding of things..

take my relationship with me ex,  she said she loved me more than anyone ever, she wanted to marry be, she was telling her 6 year old I was his step dad only days before we ended..

so we split up and yet she’s still telling me she loves me and think I’m wonderful and that I have so much going for me..

I don’t understand why someone that praises me and think I’m so wonderful wants to walk away..  now from my point of view a lot or most of what was wrong with the relationship was her and her issues and problems.  Life isn’t perfect so I accept certain aspects of her nature wasn’t perfect but good in which she gave me out weighs her negatives..

I don’t have a choice in this, she’s gone, she choose to walk but I’m still in love, I still see the positives of the relationship and think we could be happy but what I think is irrelevant to her..

I don’t know how to fall out of love.

[Billybob]

On 10/29/2021 at 7:13 PM, elaine567 said:

If she can't walk, can't clean herself, can't  jump up anywhere, and is in renal failure then sounds like you and your vet, are making the right decision, hard as it is.
Hugs.

I came here looking for advice so I can better understand my situation..

I understand so many people have said to stop contacting and find peace etc..

After a horrendous week end of being upset over my cat Iv finally got some answers from my ex that I’d like to share..

 

Some of Hayleys messages 

“I understand where you’re coming from, And I’m too ill to drag you through any more turmoil or attempts at trying to work through it. 

I think you have a lot to offer someone who is more able bodied than me. 

In time, when you meet someone else, you’ll realise that I was holding you back in many way xxx”

“I do love you more than anyone I’ve ever had xxx”

“You’re a friend to me, you know me well and can be there, like I can for you, if ever I’m needed xxx”

“Because I know how I feel about you. I think you’re great.
But “us”, that’s the issue. I wasn’t getting much out of “us” and in reality, neither were you, due to my ill health.”
 

She’s using her health a lot as reasons to split up, I asked if I wasn’t giving her something she needed then she could tell me..

Right so I accept she’s made her choices,  but what’s with the whole declaring all this love for me?  In terms of “us” not getting anything out of the relationship don’t you only get out what you put in?

Iv always had more to give but I never knew what else she actually needed, are these just excuses?

now that I accept she’s finished I’m not so upset about it any more.. what I’m curious to understand is, this whole friends thing she’s offering me considering she’s said she loves my more than any other man..   is she being genuine in wanting my friendship or am I being used as possible back up?

I'm strong enough to be friends but not just to be used.. and considering she says she loves me more than anyone what happens if I find someone else that she keeps telling me to find..

[glows]

It's affection and care after a relationship. It happens but it doesn't mean she wants to be with you. It's not uncommon to still feel a great deal of affection for someone after a relationship ends. You were once a team together and supported/upheld each other during tough times. It takes time for that to unravel and slowly fade while new people enter your lives. 

I don't think friendship is a good idea. Accept that the offer of friendship is there but do not accept the offer itself. It only holds both of you back. You feel used because she doesn't want a relationship with you. Don't keep burdening yourself and her with your emotions. 

[Billybob]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

It's affection and care after a relationship. It happens but it doesn't mean she wants to be with you. It's not uncommon to still feel a great deal of affection for someone after a relationship ends. You were once a team together and supported/upheld each other during tough times. It takes time for that to unravel and slowly fade while new people enter your lives. 

I don't think friendship is a good idea. Accept that the offer of friendship is there but do not accept the offer itself. It only holds both of you back. You feel used because she doesn't want a relationship with you. Don't keep burdening yourself and her with your emotions. 

That makes sense, I did tell her, that’s friendship!? To check in on each other now and then. I said it wasn’t my idea of friendship and I Wouldn’t get much out of it, but if you needed my help I can’t stop you asking for it…

in my opinion the relationship crashed because she didn’t put the effort in to get what she wanted. I did a lot for her without much in return..  if she doesn’t want me then why would I want someone like that…

I think she’s being selfish telling me we’re finished but she still loves me more than any other man but can we stay friends!?

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Billybob said:

That makes sense, I did tell her, that’s friendship!? To check in on each other now and then. I said it wasn’t my idea of friendship and I Wouldn’t get much out of it, but if you needed my help I can’t stop you asking for it…

in my opinion the relationship crashed because she didn’t put the effort in to get what she wanted. I did a lot for her without much in return..  if she doesn’t want me then why would I want someone like that…

I think she’s being selfish telling me we’re finished but she still loves me more than any other man but can we stay friends!?

It feels selfish on her part because you still care for her and want the relationship back, despite it not being fulfilling enough. From an outsider's perspective looking in, this is getting very unhealthy and a lot of disagreement or bickering when it's over and finished. Again, accept that offer of friendship is there but do not accept the offer itself. Don't take friendship too literally. It's an act of courtesy. Maintain good boundaries with an ex and let go.